Oh! I Wish I'd Thought Of That! (Warning: Angry Blog)
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Goodbye Jesus
I've started to say this in the threads, but it's not enough, I want to dedicate a whole blog entry to it.
I've started to find it increasingly insulting that Christians seriously think we just never had any idea how to be Christian the right way. That we somehow expected God to be a miracle machine or expected everything always to be perfect and then left the church for utterly selfish reasons, such as giving in to the temptation to sin. Oh yeah, we totally abandoned eternity in heaven bec
The past couple weeks I've had a feeling of impending doom.
To handle it, I've done reading on subjects I haven't touched before, tried to think of things from a new point of view. My body has been telling me something with the pain it feels, but I had a hard time grasping it. More and more doctors' check-ups, I always get "ok", "normal", "very good", "nothing alarming" except for my bite. And my teeth aren't even in pain.
A few days ago the veil started to open when I found some texts t
I tried to do a 40 question survey about 2015, but I couldn't answer most of the questions. It seems I don't remember much about individual months. What happened in April? Heck if I know. June, that's when we went to a rock concert. I think we swam in the sea a lot at some point. July? August?
I do remember January for ending up on this website. I knew I was agnostic but I was a mess. The support I got was amazing.
At some point last year, I realised there's no reason for me to make a po
Ok this is going to be a vent, because I realised I get crying bouts and difficulties in concentrating from holding stuff in, and I really need to be able to study.
I'm doing well. I find it's kind of unfair. This is probably some echo from years back.
I'm getting amazing dental care and my depression is healing very well. I still take all the meds and other care as before because I sure don't want to stumble and fall back down now, but my direction is very good.
The problem is I wi
It seems that once a month is a good interval for updates.
Life's been good. Yesterday was such a day, if I still believed in God I'd have thanked him for all the nice coincidences. I didn't miss a bus because a garbage truck appeared in its way before it reached the bus stop I was running late to. I've had the flu, and the local pharmacy was offering zinc pills for free because they're great for people with the flu. That kind of thing after another. At some point I noticed the silence in m
I last wrote about how I've been thinking of my late brother, and how I was feeling a new anger about how my mother handled (well, didn't handle) the situation when we were all living at home.
It didn't come out of nowhere. You see, last week, I met a person with pretty severe Tourette's. He had extremely loud vocal tics, flailing of arms, and also continuous very, very hard coughing. It was obvious he wasn't doing any of it to be a nuisance, and he wasn't very healthy anyway with his obvio
It's been a month since I last blogged. Life has calmed down and changed into a lot of routine, with my studies having started again and my health being okay for now.
One emotion keeps emerging, though. A new kind of anger. It's one I haven't allowed myself to feel before, because I was so occupied with trying to make sense of bad things being my "fate" or "god's will" or whatever so they must just be accepted and "understood" and the worst thing, thanked about.
It's been about exactly
I have a month of time to decide whether I choose to have dental surgery.
First of all I'll mention that I'm going to discuss this at length at least once with my great, very experienced dentist before the date comes that my decision for this autumn must be finished. So that puts my mind at ease somewhat. But before that, I'm weighing the pros and cons.
My bite is thankfully not catastrophic. There are many things wrong with it, but it could be a lot worse. I can choose to just have a de
I said it out loud in the breakfast table this morning: "Thinking you're in guidance makes you do random things". It's a truth about how I used to be, a very sad truth that made me waste so much time and make some very stupid decisions. Well, as it's random, I did make some very good decisions too, but didn't take much of the responsibility for them either - I decided they were me fulfilling someone else's plan.
There was only my boyfriend listening, I'm still not "out" as ex-Christian to my
As many of you may know I met a Young Earth creationist last week, I wrote about it here: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/68545-i-met-a-young-earth-creationist-today/
There was something in the conversation I had with him that really struck me as one of the big reasons why Christianity was not right for me, and why it might feel a little more right for some people.
Before I'd told him a thing about where I grew up, he said, "Remember when you were small, and you did something wrong des
Unless you count my mother who went in and out of faith in Jesus/UFOs/conspiracies/whatever, the first Ex-Christian I knew of was the third oldest child in a Pentecostal family. She had six siblings and her parents were very active in more than one of the churches in the area.
I was a teenager, she was a few years older than me. I had recently converted to Pentecostalism. I was convinced that my life was going to be much more fulfilling, fruitful, happy, meaningful, miraculous and whatever
My chest pain is now completely in control now with good pain meds, and there's no inflammation at this point (anymore?), just irritation of the rib cartilages. I also have one more doctor appointment booked in August now to figure out the amenorrhea. Heh, I don't think I've ever seen doctors as many times in a month as I will then, unless you count my week-long hospital stay when I was ten.
I had my teeth professionally cleaned today. That was many different kinds of awesome that I didn'
Goddamnit, this is like a some kind of illness blog. I really didn't mean it to turn out that way. I wanted this to be an interesting and thoughtful blog. It just seems that this ripe age of 30 didn't come alone and I need to make notes of when these things happen.
Now on top of all else, I'm amenorrhic, with a couple other symptoms that seem related. After getting smaller and smaller all spring, my last period didn't happen at all. I really hope this would go away on its own, but I'm afrai
So, there are some news. First of all my dentist is arranging me a special check-up, to see what can be done to correct the bite problems she's diagnosed both at the back and front of my mouth. I'm looking forward to it very much! A little part of me has doubts about whether it'll be worth it, but then I remind myself of all the discomfort I've felt for years when eating, and I'm ready to let go of it.
Also, my psychiatrist still didn't diagnose me with anything, but he says that it can't be
I haven't seen my mother for about a half a year now. I texted her on Mothers' Day, and picked up when she called me back. I shouldn't have. Or maybe it was the right thing to do, the conversation reminded me of what a screwed up place I grew up in.
I told her about the dental emergency I had earlier in the spring and the work I've had done on my teeth since, and how I'm aware I've had certain bite problems since I was small, and that she told my doctors not to treat them. She replied to me
I had a second bad tooth removed today. Much unlike last time, this time I'd known for weeks I was to have it removed, I'd talked with the dentist about the procedure a couple weeks earlier, I'd had antibiotics to stop any possible infection, and was all kinds of prepared mentally and physically.
It went very well. The laughing gas worked. It didn't make me amused, but it was just like being in the deepest, heaviest trance ever, with actual silence in my mind. The numbing worked perfectly to
My body is acting up again. I don't know if it's my stress over my studies, or still related to one bad tooth I have (which will be operated on next week) or what, maybe multiple reasons, but when I think I'm okay and go back to gym, I come down with a strange infection.
So, now I have my second UTI ever.
The first time will be eternally etched upon my mind. It was 2006. When the illness hit me, I had a new boyfriend and my condition went so bad so quickly, I wound up throwing up on his
Some days, when I get to sit down quietly without anyone disturbing me, I get this hollow feeling that my life makes no sense. I still have gaping holes in my sense of self and my boundaries, I don't have a "bottom line" or a "foundation" of... me. Rather my history is a swamp that I can't build on, and I just try to make myself comfortable in my daily life.
At least I managed to pull studying back into my comfort zone last year, so I feel I'm contributing to the world rather than being a le
This stupid weather! Right now it's much too easy to dress yourself way too little or way too much. I feel a cold coming on and I have an exam on Monday, I'm trying to survive by resting a lot and studying at least a few hours every day. I just hope my body won't do the old trick of getting my fever up high the previous day so that I can't even think of going. I've had that happen many times, especially before my burn-out in 2011/2012.
My head's been doing weird things. I hallucinate colour
Today I've been more anxious than I've been for a while. I'm not sure exactly why. Could be the depressing grey weather, could be me being tired of my dysfunctional body. That'll be another entry though.
For some reason the following has been running through my mind today, so I'll put it into typing and hope it'll help let it go.
Before I started my deconverting process in January 2014, I'd really thrown myself to God's arms, really trusting that his plan was best. I had zero doubts abou
I promised ages ago to blog about honesty. I had a draft that was all over the place, then my tooth infection flared up and I couldn't do much anything for some weeks (see my previous entry), and now I can't find the draft. Oh well, I'll just start typing and see where I end up.
First I'll link to one of the most beautiful songs I know, I have it on repeat as I write.
Serge Gainsbourg - Variations Sur Marilou. (with English subtitles)
I've been seeing my psychiatrist and will see
So I'd felt this awful fatigue for a couple weeks. Fatigue that stopped me from concentrating on anything personally difficult for long, from staying up late on some evenings (I totally crashed into sleep earliest at 9 pm no matter what I was doing at the time), from so many normal things that it was annoying and also becoming worrisome. I was thinking I may be pregnant, so I went to see a nurse to have a blood test.
Then, on Wednesday before I got the blood test results, the pain started. S
For about a week now I've been drafting a blog entry. Hopefully I can finish it, because starting to write it really made me think and it's proving itself difficult to get coherent from start to finish.
Anyhow, someone mentioned Dumbo in the forum threads and this really embarrassing realization came over me.
You know, I could read when I was 4. I started to know letters when I was 3. So I could read books, comics and subtitled TV shows to myself. And I sure did, because I was both a ver
This forum is a crazy place in how much it makes me self-reflect. I'm looking at me, not an idealized dream of how I'll be when God has made me all better, not a part of a gigantic divine plan, not even... what, indeed, what am I, what am I not? Some days it's hard to say, because I viewed myself through such a weird lens when I was a believer.
I had a dream that's related to this. In it I found these new glasses of mine all bent and dirty. I was with the two people I live with, BF and Roomi
My new glasses arrived on Monday. If I was still religious the way I used to be, I'd meditate on the coincidence in how in my old glasses the left lens was so wrong, I wasn't really using the eye and thus not seeing properly without knowing I wasn't, and now that I've gone through all the deconversion and all the changes it's brought, I also got these new glasses and the world looks physically quite different because I use both my eyes again.
Staircases look the weirdest. The craziest thing
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Ramblings.