[ephymeris]

I know I'm late to the party but for me, this is so dead on, right down to the car metaphore. I hope, though, that by now I've stopped hauling my christ-mobile around. My process of deconversion started 10 years ago. I can now be around christians and even super-christians and keep it in check. I don't feel searing anger towards religion or the religious anymore. I don't agree with them but I temper my replies to be true to myself but not nasty or combative. A few good things about my deconversion: I'm much more self confident and self reliant now, I can watch the human experience with more objectivity and I think that helps me in my job as a medical professional, I will not pass on the disease that is christianity to my children.

[HRDWarrior]

Great post OP. Although as many have stated each person can bounce between steps, or even be in anothe stage with residual effects from a past stage, and the bouncing back and forth even over a matter of years - sooo true!

It's funny, reading through this, I'd be placing my mother in that fear stage - but she's always been terrified of change, so it fits that she's stuck there (and very well may be till she dies). She's not happy with Christianity, but is scared to move on - it really fits her position. Me, on the other hand, who loves and embraces change, went through that phase pretty quickly, which is probaly part of why I find it somewhat frustrating talking to her (I haven't out-right told her of my deconversion for a host of reasons). I don't want to convince her to deconvert - that's her choice, and although I feel she's headed that direction, I don't want to push her since I do feel it is a path that each of us has to choose for ourselves.

I have no problem with christians - it's their choice, I feel no need to rally against them - heck, their need to reconvert me is part of their beliefs (annoying, but part of it), therefore I don't think I harbor that much hatred against christians, mostly just that it is such a suffocating religion when you are born into it, breaking free can become a life-long process, and perhaps something we are never completely free from since family and friends will still be there.

[FiddlingAround]

Deconversion is rough at first. I can remember lying in bed long after I stopped believing in hell, riding out a wave of fear of ending up there. Fortunately, I'm well past that now.

Can't really seem to get past the anger phase, though. I suppose I can't really drop that beat-up old christ-mobile at the dump until I stop letting my family believe I'm still driving it. I don't say anything to indicate agreement with their beliefs, but I don't disagree either. Lot of polite silences. And they're all just becoming more fundie all the time...

Small steps for now: Telling them I'm not going to church for the summer b/c choir's out (I still enjoy that choir, even though I hate hearing the priest speak) - my mother actually got a little panicky about that one. Sitting in respectful silence but not in any way participating when they pray. Stuff like that. That way, when I do finally "come out" maybe it won't be such a shock. Can't take the hysterics.

[LagMasterSam]

My phases of deconsversion would go as follows...

1. I felt the need to increase my faith be reading the bible.
2. As I read the bible, I had this strange feeling that it couldn't possibly be true. The stories just seemed to unreal to me.
3. I prayed to god that he would help me overcome my lack of faith in doubting the bible.
4. No help came from this prayer because I decided the bible could not be the actual word of god because of obvious contridictions.
5. I prayed to god to show me the "real truth".
6. I started to study a multitude of debates between various "believers" and "non-believers".
7. I realized that the "non-believers" were able to easily refute every argument presented be the believers.

[greenhunter]

it was a slow process for me, the full deconversion didn't start until, believe it or not, after 9/11. it wasn't the event that took place, though tragic, it was response i got from my former pastor and my former church, and one stupid pastor blaming the "homo-sexuals" and the "abortionist" i started questioning, which is phase 1 then went back to phase 0, then after talking to a friend who is seriously stuck on phase 4 (so much he's still mad at this "god" thing) started me back on phase 1 again and the ball started rolling, my ex step father wasn't help either, well, he was, just moved me to step 4 at a rather quick pace. in 2003 i got a job at a "christian" bookstore, so that put me at officially at phase 4 then in 2005 i came to an acceptance and left the "christian bookstore" in 2009 and feel better about it.

[weesue]

Hi I'm new here. I would just like to say that it was 10 years ago that I walked away from Christianity, and I wasn't even "saved" at that, and I was always being told that I would end up in the deepest part of hell because I knew the truth and rejected it...
I developed many phobias because of this religion, I was scared to travel and go anywhere in case it increased the risk of dying or being killed, and I was not right with god... In the end I walked away from it all and have ended up with mental health problems, such as depression and agoraphobia, although I am well on the road to recovery. I just thought that when I decided to walk away from it, that my phobias would disappear, but they haven't and I still find it difficult to travel... Sometimes way deep down in my head I still say "What if"...
You can read my story on my web page link...
Thanks for being here...
I can relate so much with so many of the stories on here... Brilliant...

[greenhunter]

weesue, on 02 August 2009 - 06:47 PM, said:

Hi I'm new here. I would just like to say that it was 10 years ago that I walked away from Christianity, and I wasn't even "saved" at that, and I was always being told that I would end up in the deepest part of hell because I knew the truth and rejected it...
I developed many phobias because of this religion, I was scared to travel and go anywhere in case it increased the risk of dying or being killed, and I was not right with god... In the end I walked away from it all and have ended up with mental health problems, such as depression and agoraphobia, although I am well on the road to recovery. I just thought that when I decided to walk away from it, that my phobias would disappear, but they haven't and I still find it difficult to travel... Sometimes way deep down in my head I still say "What if"...
You can read my story on my web page link...
Thanks for being here...
I can relate so much with so many of the stories on here... Brilliant...

welcome, and i hope you find encouragement here on the boards.

[Autonomous]

Wow, a lot of the OP rings true. Sad but happy too that I'm not alone. Funny thing though is I never had phase 0. I always struggled with my faith and had lots of questions. I guess I was never a "good Christian". Didn't mean I wasn't committed though, heck I hung on for 22 years!

[Shyone]

All I can say is thank you, and well done. Great job of pulling together multiple posts and making sense out of the struggle.

Curiosity. That hit the nail on the head. For me, and I suspect for many others, it wasn't a curiosity directed towards suspicion, just plain old curiosity. If anything, I was trying to better understand, and even fortify, my beliefs. It was real, so it must be crucially important and require our dedicated efforts, right?

It was after I read the Bible that I thought there was something really wrong, and that lead to searching for verification of the history of the Bible, and that exposed me to Mesopotamian archeology and literature, and...

I still have questions, but not about faith. Questions about atheism. Is it the same for everyone? Evidently not, but why not? And what about regression? For me, impossible, but for others?

Well, thanks again.

[dB-Paradox]

While I can identify with all the phases, I didn't experience them in that order at all. In fact, anger was quite early on for me. But it was a comprehensive post!

[bell]

FiddlingAround, on 16 July 2009 - 06:31 PM, said:

Deconversion is rough at first. I can remember lying in bed long after I stopped believing in hell, riding out a wave of fear of ending up there. Fortunately, I'm well past that now.

Can't really seem to get past the anger phase, though. I suppose I can't really drop that beat-up old christ-mobile at the dump until I stop letting my family believe I'm still driving it. I don't say anything to indicate agreement with their beliefs, but I don't disagree either. Lot of polite silences. And they're all just becoming more fundie all the time...

Small steps for now: Telling them I'm not going to church for the summer b/c choir's out (I still enjoy that choir, even though I hate hearing the priest speak) - my mother actually got a little panicky about that one. Sitting in respectful silence but not in any way participating when they pray. Stuff like that. That way, when I do finally "come out" maybe it won't be such a shock. Can't take the hysterics.

I saw your post on ex-christian.net in response to the phases of de-conversion and I am with you I am having problems with getting past the anger phase. I was an adult when I foolishly became a fundie I had been an atheist, a Baptist and a Congregationalist left both religious sects no problem. It was harder for me to leave the fundies they have scarier threats if you leave the faith. Once I read the whole bible cover to cover in a month's time I was able to see that the God of the bible didn't create man, man created him in his image. I hope I put this post in the right place on the site I'm still learning about posting on different sites.

[adamo889]

This was a fanastic commentary on the deconverting process....and you're sooo right...it's exactly the opposite of conversion...instead of coming into a community it's like everyone is just dropping you off since you no longer center your life around what they believe in.

[holierthanthou]

It's so sad that for some people it takes years to cope with the consequences. Sometimes it's different. My father's deconversion was quick and easy. His father committed suicide and the catholic priest refused to bury him. His undertaker dug a ditch and threw the body into it without any marks. Through all that pain though, looking back, they actually saved my father's life. Bizarre.

[Shyone]

holierthanthou, on 01 December 2009 - 01:19 AM, said:

It's so sad that for some people it takes years to cope with the consequences. Sometimes it's different. My father's deconversion was quick and easy. His father committed suicide and the catholic priest refused to bury him. His undertaker dug a ditch and threw the body into it without any marks. Through all that pain though, looking back, they actually saved my father's life. Bizarre.

Holy shit! That is the most insensitive thing, both with respect for the dead and the living, that I have ever heard. I knew the RC Church discourages suicide, but once done, it's done. There isn't any point in punishing the dead.

And for goodness' sake, give the living some peace of mind.

My mother had no such religious problems when her father committed suicide, but she still suffered for her entire life wondering why he did that. I never met my grandfather, but in a way his life still affects mine. He was a physician, and I am a physician in part because of his example. I don't intend to follow his example any further than career choice however.

[buffettphan]

holierthanthou, on 01 December 2009 - 01:19 AM, said:

His father committed suicide and the catholic priest refused to bury him.

When I was about ten years old, one of my uncles was murdered in a random shooting. The priest refused to bury him because my aunt and uncle were divorced. His VERY irish-catholic father -- my grandfather -- never stepped into a church again.

[bolianbob]

I've been stuck in the anger phase for a few months; I just can't let it go. I try, believe me, I try. I tell myself, I had no choice in the matter of being born into a christian home; I had no choice in this thing called faith. I tell myself, I am now free from such a petty constraint, and I am utterly free to walk in my own shoes now. But everywhere I turn my head I am reminded by this religious bull shit; or a thought from my childhood experience that just sets me off on this inner rampage. I know I need time, I know this, but what can I tell myself, or what do I need to let the anger pass?

[Shyone]

bolianbob, on 01 December 2009 - 02:44 PM, said:

I've been stuck in the anger phase for a few months; I just can't let it go. I try, believe me, I try. I tell myself, I had no choice in the matter of being born into a christian home; I had no choice in this thing called faith. I tell myself, I am now free from such a petty constraint, and I am utterly free to walk in my own shoes now. But everywhere I turn my head I am reminded by this religious bull shit; or a thought from my childhood experience that just sets me off on this inner rampage. I know I need time, I know this, but what can I tell myself, or what do I need to let the anger pass?

Me giving advice on getting over the anger is like a Catholic priest giving advice on Marriage.

But I would say find an outlet for your anger. Anger can be a great motivator; books, music, art or just carefully applied logic to destroy the fallacious arguments of the apologists.

There is a sense of satisfaction when you have pinned their collective asses to a dart board with pinpoint reasoning.

[wilyfem]

The-Doctor, on 14 February 2008 - 04:34 PM, said:

Hammurabi that is dead-on.

I couldn't agree more!

[LiBeRaTeD MiNd]

Perfectly explains what I went through

[ghost_warlock]

I've been through the stages in a slightly different order.

For me, I went through Phase 0 & 1 pretty much as described but when I hit Phase 2 it wasn't about fear for me as it was simply an extension of the curiosity I felt in Phase 1. After college, I started seriously reading the Bible for the first time and then dove straight into Phase 4. I was very, very angry at God and at all the people in my life who I'd felt had lied to me about what God & religion were REALLY about. I'd kept hearing it was about love and salvation, but all I read about in the Bible was hate, fear, ignoble "righteousness," and bloodshed. I was an antitheist long before I became an atheist.

But my anger cooled as I read more and more from secular sources, finishing up my Phase 2 and finally entering Phase 3. I realized that my anger towards god was misplaced - not because of free will or any of the reasons Christians claim excuses god from responsibility for evil and the sorry state of the world, but because god was completely imaginary! I realized it was akin to being angry with invisible pink unicorns: absurd.

These days I mostly fluctuate between 4 & 5. I'll be just fine and content for weeks or months at a time, and then some asshat believer will try to force their beliefs on me one way or another and the anger will come surging back. Sometimes, I can just shrug their attempts off and move on with hardly skipping a beat, and it's gettin easier to do this, but sometimes...