Lost

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About Lost

  • Rank
    Doubter
  • Birthday 06/27/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Religion, Films, Music, Nursing, Social Issues, Mental Illnesses
  • More About Me
    I lost my mum when I was about 9 years old. That personal tragedy pushed me close to God in Catholic Church. In 2011 I was baptised in Evangelical Church on my own will, but with a little bit shadow of doubt. Because I have been creating story for film for 5 years in my head (not on a paper, because of lack of motivation) I was looking for information on different subjects connected with religion and belief or non-belief. That's how I came to salvation in CHrist and that's how my doubts started to grow. Now I don't know what to expect.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I don't know anymore

Recent Profile Visitors

557 profile views
  1. Hey Tyler J ! Good that You wrote this post. I experience the same. For me personally God was like a protector and a parent after my mum's death, so getting rid of the idea of Jesus Christ as a saviour from all troubles was difficult and still is. I'm still in church, but in the closet...hope I will come out in Summer 2018. Anyway, Darwin's evolution is still kind of hard for my brain, I'm fascinated by it, but there are days when my brain, heart and memories go into back to Christianity. I know that in my case, there will be more sadness and struggles in life than happiness or joy, so I guess I will be missing a concept of loving God, especially in terms of my childhood's trauma. I like to develop intelectually and learn new things and question everything, but sometimes when something really hard and illogical happens in our lives it's really difficult to just stay unshakeable in skepticism. During tough times in life it's difficult to just be satisfied with evolution and wonders of nature. Wish You ALL the best in Your journey Tyler J
  2. Hey LovelyChantel! Good that You brought to life this subject. Sorry for that what You had to go through, because of religious trauma :/ Me, personally when a strong doubt about God hit me I suffered from depersonalization episode. I was scared of the feelings that I had in my brain. To minimalize that I had to strongly focus on my daily realistic duties. But it wasn't easy to function in high school and Nursing studies. I became very rebelious, I started behave like a spoiled teenager after loosing faith and what is funny (maybe not) I was a fresh memeber of the church at that time. My doubts and crisis of faith started around 3 weeks before water baptism. I'm still in church as a closed free-thinker and sometimes I wonder why it was so difficult to tell elders before baptism about my lack of conviction to Christianity, but instead because of the fear going into it. I FEEL THAT MY STORY IS the weirdest one. I became also a shopaholic and a hoarder and I have lots of debts (because of online loans). My addiction gives me a feeling of doing whatever I want and takes me away from thinking about Christianity and the fact that I'm still in church. I'm planning to write them letter in the next year when I will go to holidays, but my plans never end. I think people in Atheist communities or especially ex-christians don't talk that often about people who literally became insane after loosing faith in God. For some people it's a real tragedy and trauma for the brain. I CAN'T LAUGH like other former believers at religion and to be honest I don't understand my life at all. It's all scary. But free-thinking is truly liberating, but very often confusing and scary especially for sensitive individuals. Hope that You, LovelyChantel find peace on your journey of life! Best wishes
  3. Covering head with a scarf or any other material while praying, cause as believers explain that..."when a woman while praying won't cover her head some angels from the sky might become attracted to her and transform into fallen angels". I'm still in church as a closed free-thinker and I cover my head while praying and when other people pray, but sometimes when someone starts to pray I don't always cover it that quickly. I noticed that my female friends from Pentacostal church find it weird, although some of them cover their head. In general in my Evangelical church this is a norm. Sometimes I literally sigh when some Christian girls from the Ukraine come to my church and they have covered head for a whole service- but their scarf or whatever that is it's like a piece of some narrow belt rather the material that covers whole their head.
  4. Backsliding Atheists

    Yeah, You are all right Me, personally I am a backslider, cause I am never sure of anything for 100%. I'm jealous that You are such a strong individuals on this forum I'm just shy, worried girl from infamous country.
  5. I'm in the closet by choice for about 6 years. Daily duties help me to not to think that much about situation I am in, but in the end I realize that I'm still in church. I am a senstive person with a good reputation, I like the feeling of being save, community, I got used to meetings in church and life without all of it seems empty, although I know it's fascinating. I'm convinced that in my case the need to depend on others and desire to be among people who are like a family comes from my childhood after my mum's death. Since the day when she passed away, 8 years old ME wanted to feel save, so I started treated God as my protector and I had this hope in my heart that when I will be an adult I will be serving Him and find morally good people in church who will become kind of FAMILY for me. I didn't expect that crisis of faith will haunt my life. Yeah, and MUSIC (as you mentioned on your profile) helps me a lot and unfortunately MUSIC was always one of the reasons I couldn't give my whole life to the Lord. I don't know, every day I have to listen my favourite secular MUSIC mostly from 80's and 90's. Singing only (or mostly) to worship God and listen to only Christian music seems to be boring for me. Maybe if I have faith in this whole Christian thing I could give up easily on secular music. Anyway, I wish You mich all the best in your journey to peace and freedom. Hope that Your wounds will look much better with time or disappear completely.
  6. Backsliding Atheists

    Thank You All for Your answers and for Your deep answer Fuego That gives me a positive feeling that my posts matter too, although I don't get that much responses. Maybe I just talk about obvious stuff, that for others are boring and old....
  7. I noticed that word backsliding is very often use in terms of Christians who don't really follow their beliefs with honesty and devotion. One day they are in church another day somewhere in the secular world. I started wonder if Atheists have also tendency to be backsliders and get away from things that they see as a true through ratonal mind. Do You catch Yourself on coming back and fourth to faith in Your Atheist life?
  8. Well...I'm still going to church as a closed doubter and observe different people. Mostly here on this forum there are bad comments about believers from churches that were part of our lives. Their prejudice, close mindness and judgemental attitude makes many of us cringe. But I noticed that some women and men after "born again" experience kind of become filled with Jesus persona. They are pure, kind, loving and their eyes shine when they are talking about God. Other believers seem to be just believers who don't have this special something inside although they do whatever they can to be a true biblical Christian. I don't know if You have ever experienced something like that? Maybe your Christian family members, friends or you (when you were believers) were truly Christ-like? I mean people thought that they sit with Jesus when they were sitting next to You or when they talk with your parents, siblings or friends. Sometimes when I hear people who are filled with endless love and purity I feel some kind of craving inside and sadness. I feel like as a unbeliever I won't achieve this heaven that is inside of them. It makes me want to cry. Do You think that it happens in churches to meet men and women who makes You think like You would be in heaven with Jesus? Maybe I'm exaggerating, but this is what I experienced. What do You think about it? Share Your experiences.
  9. Sh** christians have said to you

    Recently...elders call another elder brother a liar, cause he said that GOD created Satan. They want Him and everyone in church to understand that GOD could not create anything bad, so actually GOD created an Angel of light who became Satan through rebellion. Face palm !
  10. Weird Addictions

    Do You guys or people that You know have weird or so called strange addictions? I think the most common and known addictions are: alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction ( and maybe sexoholism too). There is plenty of clinics that help people to get clean and be saved from these traditional addictions. It seems that other addictions are overlooked or unknown or actually too weird to even imagine. My weird addictions are: - handbags addiction (in my shopaholism addiction the most favourite items that I love to buy are bags and sometimes wallets), - listening and watching favourite music video clips for few hours everyday and dancing (actually jumping like crazy to the rhythm), - searching different stuff and watching different interviews from the past era or current stuff, - talking to myself out loud about subjects that I am interested in or actually talking like I would be interviewed by someone (like I would be in a talk show).
  11. I wish

    Hey Zenh I'm glad that You came here with this kind of topic. I also very often think about "near death experiences" especially these that are very detailed and seem to not to be fake. Same with speaking in tongues, I think that many stories are just fake and other are real. I became my journey with Evangelical Church in a strange way, cause I experienced serious and very painful doubts before my water baptism. My mind wasn't convinced for 100% that Jesus is real and died on the cross. Part of me wanted to say elders of the church about lack of conviction and walk away and another part was lost and didn't want to lose God. So, it was impossible to be a true Christian and have doubts about Genesis Book of the Bible, near-death experiences, people's testimonies, nature of sexual orientation, different prayers, demonic possesions. I noticed that some believers have really weak and very often casual "spiritual experiences' especially with prayer that actually happen to non-believers who don't pray. But there are people who have really strong and deep testimonies and it's hard not to wonder how it happened that they experienced such things. I ralized that I can't FULLY serve in church and be a true Christian if I have doubts and I can't be a FULLY convinced Atheist at the same time. In the future, I'm planning to say in a letter to members of my church that I can't stay any longer, cause I have no convction about Christianity. I'm sure that, if I will have chance before death to be conscious...I will say a prayer in the case there is God. I fear to die as a 100% Atheist, but I can't leave as 100% Christian also, because of my skepticism. Zenh, wish You peace and love on your journey...hope you will find what You are looking for (as one person wrote once this to me).
  12. My dad is dying

    Dear LongWayAround My heart goes to You. I know the pain of losing parent. My mum died when I was 8 years old. Hope that You and Your family will find peace although the pain and suffering is unbearable now.
  13. Losing Your Faith and Mental Health

    After losing faith or actually in a moment when I was hit in a brain with sentence "what if there is no god and he is like a policeman who controls our thoughts and actions" I experienced depersonalization episode, kind of panic attack. I didn't know what is happening with my brain. I thought that I will loose my consciousness, stop talking or forget who I am? This felt so real and i felt like some sort of curtain was put on my brain. So, I was ignoring this strange states of mind, focusing on daily duties to kind of come back to previous good feelings in brain. In my case it was stupid, cause I started having doubts about Christianity before baptism in Evangelical Church and was afraid to tell the church that I don't have conviction. As a result I go to church for 6 years and pretend to be a believer or sometimes feel like a believer. As most people in Poland where I live I was baptized in Catholic Church and when I was 8 years old after my mum's death I started enjoying religion classes at school, praying to God, listen some stories that nun was telling us. I treated God as a protector, who will take care of me while my dad was working and I was home alone. Other kids with full families didn't understand what I go through. Because of lack of mum and grandmothers in my life I am kind of emotionally unstable and look weird and envy at other girls who do everything with their mums. I thought that God and church will be a part of my entire world till I die. I was saying myself "Well even if the rest members of my family will die I will have God and church wherever I will go". TrueScotsman Definitely and unfortunately I went crazy and insane and I became a shopaholic after losing faith. I also collect lots of things in my room like a sick hoarder. Goimg for shopping makes me not to think about my strange life that no one around me understands. I have a friend who was under psychiatric health care since age 7 and she said to me that she would kill herself if Jesus wouldn't rescue her. Imagine her, starting having doubts about Christianity (well one day I guess she will start having doubts if I ever admit to her that I don't have faith anymore). Question is...how really secular world can help someone who's whole life is based on psychiatric health care, medications? Secular world offers only therapists, psychiatrics, mental hospitals, medications. For many people it's a hell and I am not surprised that these people start to pray to God to get them out from this meaningless world. But what will happen if an ex-mentally ill person starts to having doubts about faith that gave her or him the last hope for a normal life? I watched lots of Atheists debates on You Tube, but I don't know any Atheist who battle with mental illness, cancer or was growing up in an orphange, lost parents or a child. You know in churches we all the time hear about suffering, but Atheists kind of don't focus on a tough aspects of life or rarely. Thank You TrueScotsman for this wonderful topic
  14. Will You implant microchip in your hand?

    THis is all scary. We can't be sure, what really will happen.
  15. Some days, I want to go back.

    Hey ag_NO_stic Sorry that You are feeling this way. I kind of got to conclusion that You are a really tough personality, when I read any of your posts. I think that Your determination will help You going thriugh many aspects of deconversion. I'm glad that You wrote this post "Some days, I want to go back", cause I really miss this sort of subjects on this forum. I am a sensitive person and I went through some things in life that should not meet a sensitive person rather a tough one...but yeah, life is unfair in many ways. I think that different urges, desires, longings towards CHristianity still exist in some Ex-Christians for variety of reasons. Some even experience re-conversion. I guess Teresa MacBain is one of the examples of a woman who was a CHristian for a decade, later joined Atheist Community and have done some lectures, but after sometime she found God again. These types of stories makes me angry, throwing me into the circle of "maybe I wil come back too?". Sometimes I've got an urge to pray to God again and open my skeptical mind to Him, but somehow I don't want to. I kind of like some aspects of the world, dancing, music (it's kind of stupid that I could not give up on my favourite worldly music when I became a believer and I couldn't stop jumping to music-yeah I usually jump rather than dance lol). I am afraid that if God would aswer my prayer I would have to come back. Part of me would experience a comfort, but another part would suffer from figuring things out again. I think also that sometimes people in church and dealing with people that You have to evangelize as a believer ARE worse than God and reading the Bible itself. Wish You a lot of joy and support of others on YOur journey ag NO stic