Lost

Regular Member
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About Lost

  • Rank
    Doubter
  • Birthday 06/27/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Religion, Films, Music, Nursing, Social Issues, Mental Illnesses
  • More About Me
    I lost my mum when I was about 9 years old. That personal tragedy pushed me close to God in Catholic Church. In 2011 I was baptised in Evangelical Church on my own will, but with a little bit shadow of doubt. Because I have been creating story for film for 5 years in my head (not on a paper, because of lack of motivation) I was looking for information on different subjects connected with religion and belief or non-belief. That's how I came to salvation in CHrist and that's how my doubts started to grow. Now I don't know what to expect.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I don't know anymore

Recent Profile Visitors

433 profile views
  1. Weird Addictions

    Do You guys or people that You know have weird or so called strange addictions? I think the most common and known addictions are: alcoholism, drug addiction, pornography addiction ( and maybe sexoholism too). There is plenty of clinics that help people to get clean and be saved from these traditional addictions. It seems that other addictions are overlooked or unknown or actually too weird to even imagine. My weird addictions are: - handbags addiction (in my shopaholism addiction the most favourite items that I love to buy are bags and sometimes wallets), - listening and watching favourite music video clips for few hours everyday and dancing (actually jumping like crazy to the rhythm), - searching different stuff and watching different interviews from the past era or current stuff, - talking to myself out loud about subjects that I am interested in or actually talking like I would be interviewed by someone (like I would be in a talk show).
  2. I wish

    Hey Zenh I'm glad that You came here with this kind of topic. I also very often think about "near death experiences" especially these that are very detailed and seem to not to be fake. Same with speaking in tongues, I think that many stories are just fake and other are real. I became my journey with Evangelical Church in a strange way, cause I experienced serious and very painful doubts before my water baptism. My mind wasn't convinced for 100% that Jesus is real and died on the cross. Part of me wanted to say elders of the church about lack of conviction and walk away and another part was lost and didn't want to lose God. So, it was impossible to be a true Christian and have doubts about Genesis Book of the Bible, near-death experiences, people's testimonies, nature of sexual orientation, different prayers, demonic possesions. I noticed that some believers have really weak and very often casual "spiritual experiences' especially with prayer that actually happen to non-believers who don't pray. But there are people who have really strong and deep testimonies and it's hard not to wonder how it happened that they experienced such things. I ralized that I can't FULLY serve in church and be a true Christian if I have doubts and I can't be a FULLY convinced Atheist at the same time. In the future, I'm planning to say in a letter to members of my church that I can't stay any longer, cause I have no convction about Christianity. I'm sure that, if I will have chance before death to be conscious...I will say a prayer in the case there is God. I fear to die as a 100% Atheist, but I can't leave as 100% Christian also, because of my skepticism. Zenh, wish You peace and love on your journey...hope you will find what You are looking for (as one person wrote once this to me).
  3. My dad is dying

    Dear LongWayAround My heart goes to You. I know the pain of losing parent. My mum died when I was 8 years old. Hope that You and Your family will find peace although the pain and suffering is unbearable now.
  4. Losing Your Faith and Mental Health

    After losing faith or actually in a moment when I was hit in a brain with sentence "what if there is no god and he is like a policeman who controls our thoughts and actions" I experienced depersonalization episode, kind of panic attack. I didn't know what is happening with my brain. I thought that I will loose my consciousness, stop talking or forget who I am? This felt so real and i felt like some sort of curtain was put on my brain. So, I was ignoring this strange states of mind, focusing on daily duties to kind of come back to previous good feelings in brain. In my case it was stupid, cause I started having doubts about Christianity before baptism in Evangelical Church and was afraid to tell the church that I don't have conviction. As a result I go to church for 6 years and pretend to be a believer or sometimes feel like a believer. As most people in Poland where I live I was baptized in Catholic Church and when I was 8 years old after my mum's death I started enjoying religion classes at school, praying to God, listen some stories that nun was telling us. I treated God as a protector, who will take care of me while my dad was working and I was home alone. Other kids with full families didn't understand what I go through. Because of lack of mum and grandmothers in my life I am kind of emotionally unstable and look weird and envy at other girls who do everything with their mums. I thought that God and church will be a part of my entire world till I die. I was saying myself "Well even if the rest members of my family will die I will have God and church wherever I will go". TrueScotsman Definitely and unfortunately I went crazy and insane and I became a shopaholic after losing faith. I also collect lots of things in my room like a sick hoarder. Goimg for shopping makes me not to think about my strange life that no one around me understands. I have a friend who was under psychiatric health care since age 7 and she said to me that she would kill herself if Jesus wouldn't rescue her. Imagine her, starting having doubts about Christianity (well one day I guess she will start having doubts if I ever admit to her that I don't have faith anymore). Question is...how really secular world can help someone who's whole life is based on psychiatric health care, medications? Secular world offers only therapists, psychiatrics, mental hospitals, medications. For many people it's a hell and I am not surprised that these people start to pray to God to get them out from this meaningless world. But what will happen if an ex-mentally ill person starts to having doubts about faith that gave her or him the last hope for a normal life? I watched lots of Atheists debates on You Tube, but I don't know any Atheist who battle with mental illness, cancer or was growing up in an orphange, lost parents or a child. You know in churches we all the time hear about suffering, but Atheists kind of don't focus on a tough aspects of life or rarely. Thank You TrueScotsman for this wonderful topic
  5. Will You implant microchip in your hand?

    THis is all scary. We can't be sure, what really will happen.
  6. Some days, I want to go back.

    Hey ag_NO_stic Sorry that You are feeling this way. I kind of got to conclusion that You are a really tough personality, when I read any of your posts. I think that Your determination will help You going thriugh many aspects of deconversion. I'm glad that You wrote this post "Some days, I want to go back", cause I really miss this sort of subjects on this forum. I am a sensitive person and I went through some things in life that should not meet a sensitive person rather a tough one...but yeah, life is unfair in many ways. I think that different urges, desires, longings towards CHristianity still exist in some Ex-Christians for variety of reasons. Some even experience re-conversion. I guess Teresa MacBain is one of the examples of a woman who was a CHristian for a decade, later joined Atheist Community and have done some lectures, but after sometime she found God again. These types of stories makes me angry, throwing me into the circle of "maybe I wil come back too?". Sometimes I've got an urge to pray to God again and open my skeptical mind to Him, but somehow I don't want to. I kind of like some aspects of the world, dancing, music (it's kind of stupid that I could not give up on my favourite worldly music when I became a believer and I couldn't stop jumping to music-yeah I usually jump rather than dance lol). I am afraid that if God would aswer my prayer I would have to come back. Part of me would experience a comfort, but another part would suffer from figuring things out again. I think also that sometimes people in church and dealing with people that You have to evangelize as a believer ARE worse than God and reading the Bible itself. Wish You a lot of joy and support of others on YOur journey ag NO stic
  7. Hey Figures I need to say that I also struggle with kind of confusion related to hurting people - especialy believers. I'm worried what would one of my friends from church do if she would find out about my lack of belief. I give her lots of advices related to faith, cause she is depressed very often and she found hope in Jesus after living a life filled with mental pain and psychiatric medications. She said that she would commit suicide if she wouldn't find Jesus. She is on a way to marry her Christain boyfriend. And I feel bad thinking that maybe she will break down or start question everything and go crazy again if she will find out how fake I was to her and in reality I was hinding my lack of conviction towards Christianity. I'm afraid that I could ruin her wedding by coming out before it. But I got to conclusion before or after her wedding...I don't care anymore, I need to rescue my sanity. Well, I'm still in church where no one knows that I have a secret Internet life as an unbeliever- I'm planning to go in the next year somewhere for 2 weeks or a month and send them a letter about my deconversion.
  8. It had to be really mentally exhausting to participate in something what you didn't believe in. Almost 2 weeks ago I came back from a Christian conference about " Chalenges of 21st century". Mostly there was lots of talk about refugees. There also was some pressure to meet a potential partner for life. I had to hide as much as I could from potential husbands...lol There was also a sermon about living a full life for Jesus, not only doing something for Him. When preacher mentioned about being true and not wearing masks I realized that it's definitely about me. Yeah...it's weird and harmful to live a double life...I would never thought in my childhood imaginations that it will happen to me-to be a liar. There is this desire to be a believer and coming back to a comfort zone, but in the same time there too much pressure and control in churches in a very "unseen" way that I just hardly stand. I said to myself after this conference that I have to go to my sister (to another town, far where I live) in one year for 2 weeks or a month for holidays and finally...send to some members of church letters. I have to do it simply and short. I don't know how I will handle loneliness that will come after actually leaving a church and how they will take, but...Lost...please You have to do this. I feel sorry the most for a girl in my church that put trust in God with all her heart that she and her boyfriend will be healed from depression. She likes me, she thinks that I am a believer and likes my advices. I don't want to hurt her as a friend . I'm afraid that my confession about loosing faith and lying aboiut being a believer may really affect her mental health :/ But finally one day, I will have to confess... Luckily my studies from October to June keep me super busy, so usually I am not that often on meetings during a week. Thank You Burnedout for this reference to war. It helped me to see my struggle in a new way
  9. It's All So Scary.

    skysoar15 Definitely I can relate to Your post, these fears and doubts. You write your posts in a really clear way, using simply constructed sentences. Thanks to that it's easier to read and understand Hope that You will feel much better, even though these feelings and thoughts may haunts You from time to time.
  10. Forum shutdown concerns

    I was kind of brokenhearted when I found out about forum's shoutdown I feel like the only one person from Poland who goes through doubts about faith and whole process of reality-stuff realization, so this forum is my HOPE and I find here some comfort. To be honest, I also felt sorry for all my posts that I wrote and lack of possibility to save them. Thank You ALL, who brought back to life this forum
  11. I guess, no one can really know for sure how the end of their life will look like and what we will be thinking and saying when we will be lying in death bed. If we actually will have an opportunity to be conscious before death. We can be killed in a car accident, plane crash, murdered, poisoned...etc.
  12. So on Tuesday I went to an oral surgeon and he said that these horizontal white lines, which I have on the inner side of cheeks is a result of bruxism. It is known as excessive teeth grinding or jaw clenching. Probably when I sleep I'm bitting inner side of cheeks and I move my teeth a lot. He said that my upper teeth are really sharp and I should go to a dentist to file them off. I don't know if teeth are healthy after that. He also recommended buying special dental splint for the night time. To be honest his opinion didn't convinced me that changes inside my mouth are not pre-cancerous, but certainly it gave me some peace and I can focus on studying for 3 more weeks at my university. The end of my 1st year Public Health studies is near. Some symptoms can mean many things and this is kind of tricky. I'm planning to go to one of medical clinics in a bigger city of my country and pay money to see (thanks to special lamp) if there is nothing dangerous inside my mouth. Thank You ALL for your thoughts on my struggle.
  13. Yeah, it's very true I still prefer to wait till I will finish my studies and become much stronger and independent and more busy till I tell my church about my lack of belief. Now I'm so mentally weak, financially broke, because of shopaholism addiction (I hurt really badly my dear dad who was trying to save me from a bailiff...I'm an addict and still secretly take loans :/ ) and I'm emotionally unstable...I couldn't do it now - this whole thing with coming out to church memebers. Anyway, in my case it's exaggeration to stay in silence in church for 6 years and wait for the next more. Maybe people keeps secrets for even longer than me, who knows. Luckily, I don't have problem with family, cause we were born in Catholic country, so for them faith is not a part of daily life. Half of them is dead and another half is dead to me on emotionally level - to be true...they don't give a damn about my existence. For sure as Burnedout wrote...it's good to consider these 3 points. Yeah, church' reaction and family's reacton may be different...but also we never know how our brain is going to react after losing ALL faith that mattered. For strong, not worrying individuals it can be easier than for a really sensitive ones or...FOR people who are depended on religious folks or depended on religious social care system because of their chronic physical or mental disease. All kinds of people lose faith...sick, healthy, poor, wealthy, people who are alive and people close to death.
  14. Thank You, yunea If I will know something more about my mouth condition I will share information here.
  15. As I read different stories here on forum I realized that many of You were truly "REAL" Christians. Everyone here come out to families and church so quickly. I'm paralyzed when I think about it. My only problem is church, cause my family is not that religious. I was just a fearful girl who found peace and sense to live in Catholic Church after mum's death...in high school I became interested in Biblical Christianity, because of stuff that I found on the Internet. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I always had concern that I should go deeply into evolution, but I was scared to loose God and in the same time my sanity. I don't understand myself, why I went to Evangelical Church, started hung out with people there and decided to baptized although about 1 month before baptism I LOST my faith? I don't know if I will ever hear story like this. How can someone decide to be a Christian and in the same time lose faith? After baptism I was trying to convince myself that God is real, maybe scientists lie and so on... I went through period of depersonalization, because of that. In my church there are mostly elderly people (so church is not that active like those that have lots of youth), so I got to conclusion...well maybe to the end of my busy studies I will survive there, despite of doubts. I survived in church 6 years since April 2011 and 2 or 3 more years of hiding are coming. Maybe I will survive and I will be still alive, cause I don't know when my life might come to the end. I'm afraid to come out to them now, cause I'm afaraid that they won't believe that I was hiding my doubts and double-life for so long. I have other problems, I go to psychologist who try to understand me. Nothing works for me... I hide everything before them, cause I want my perfect plan to come true...silent and quick escape abroad to work there alone. I'm also afraid that one of my friends in church who had mental breakdowns since her childhood would kill herself or became suicidal, if she find out that my faith advices for her and my friendship are all fake. I like her much more than other people in my church, but lying to her especially makes me so quilty! Should I feel quilty of lying to others? Would You understand such a person like me? I don't know if I can justify myself. I went completely insane.