Lost

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About Lost

  • Rank
    Doubter
  • Birthday 06/27/1993

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Interests
    Religion, Films, Music, Nursing, Social Issues, Mental Illnesses
  • More About Me
    I lost my mum when I was about 9 years old. That personal tragedy pushed me close to God in Catholic Church. In 2011 I was baptised in Evangelical Church on my own will, but with a little bit shadow of doubt. Because I have been creating story for film for 5 years in my head (not on a paper, because of lack of motivation) I was looking for information on different subjects connected with religion and belief or non-belief. That's how I came to salvation in CHrist and that's how my doubts started to grow. Now I don't know what to expect.

Previous Fields

  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    I don't know anymore

Recent Profile Visitors

325 profile views
  1. I was kind of brokenhearted when I found out about forum's shoutdown I feel like the only one person from Poland who goes through doubts about faith and whole process of reality-stuff realization, so this forum is my HOPE and I find here some comfort. To be honest, I also felt sorry for all my posts that I wrote and lack of possibility to save them. Thank You ALL, who brought back to life this forum
  2. I guess, no one can really know for sure how the end of their life will look like and what we will be thinking and saying when we will be lying in death bed. If we actually will have an opportunity to be conscious before death. We can be killed in a car accident, plane crash, murdered, poisoned...etc.
  3. So on Tuesday I went to an oral surgeon and he said that these horizontal white lines, which I have on the inner side of cheeks is a result of bruxism. It is known as excessive teeth grinding or jaw clenching. Probably when I sleep I'm bitting inner side of cheeks and I move my teeth a lot. He said that my upper teeth are really sharp and I should go to a dentist to file them off. I don't know if teeth are healthy after that. He also recommended buying special dental splint for the night time. To be honest his opinion didn't convinced me that changes inside my mouth are not pre-cancerous, but certainly it gave me some peace and I can focus on studying for 3 more weeks at my university. The end of my 1st year Public Health studies is near. Some symptoms can mean many things and this is kind of tricky. I'm planning to go to one of medical clinics in a bigger city of my country and pay money to see (thanks to special lamp) if there is nothing dangerous inside my mouth. Thank You ALL for your thoughts on my struggle.
  4. Yeah, it's very true I still prefer to wait till I will finish my studies and become much stronger and independent and more busy till I tell my church about my lack of belief. Now I'm so mentally weak, financially broke, because of shopaholism addiction (I hurt really badly my dear dad who was trying to save me from a bailiff...I'm an addict and still secretly take loans :/ ) and I'm emotionally unstable...I couldn't do it now - this whole thing with coming out to church memebers. Anyway, in my case it's exaggeration to stay in silence in church for 6 years and wait for the next more. Maybe people keeps secrets for even longer than me, who knows. Luckily, I don't have problem with family, cause we were born in Catholic country, so for them faith is not a part of daily life. Half of them is dead and another half is dead to me on emotionally level - to be true...they don't give a damn about my existence. For sure as Burnedout wrote...it's good to consider these 3 points. Yeah, church' reaction and family's reacton may be different...but also we never know how our brain is going to react after losing ALL faith that mattered. For strong, not worrying individuals it can be easier than for a really sensitive ones or...FOR people who are depended on religious folks or depended on religious social care system because of their chronic physical or mental disease. All kinds of people lose faith...sick, healthy, poor, wealthy, people who are alive and people close to death.
  5. Thank You, yunea If I will know something more about my mouth condition I will share information here.
  6. As I read different stories here on forum I realized that many of You were truly "REAL" Christians. Everyone here come out to families and church so quickly. I'm paralyzed when I think about it. My only problem is church, cause my family is not that religious. I was just a fearful girl who found peace and sense to live in Catholic Church after mum's death...in high school I became interested in Biblical Christianity, because of stuff that I found on the Internet. Unfortunately in the back of my mind I always had concern that I should go deeply into evolution, but I was scared to loose God and in the same time my sanity. I don't understand myself, why I went to Evangelical Church, started hung out with people there and decided to baptized although about 1 month before baptism I LOST my faith? I don't know if I will ever hear story like this. How can someone decide to be a Christian and in the same time lose faith? After baptism I was trying to convince myself that God is real, maybe scientists lie and so on... I went through period of depersonalization, because of that. In my church there are mostly elderly people (so church is not that active like those that have lots of youth), so I got to conclusion...well maybe to the end of my busy studies I will survive there, despite of doubts. I survived in church 6 years since April 2011 and 2 or 3 more years of hiding are coming. Maybe I will survive and I will be still alive, cause I don't know when my life might come to the end. I'm afraid to come out to them now, cause I'm afaraid that they won't believe that I was hiding my doubts and double-life for so long. I have other problems, I go to psychologist who try to understand me. Nothing works for me... I hide everything before them, cause I want my perfect plan to come true...silent and quick escape abroad to work there alone. I'm also afraid that one of my friends in church who had mental breakdowns since her childhood would kill herself or became suicidal, if she find out that my faith advices for her and my friendship are all fake. I like her much more than other people in my church, but lying to her especially makes me so quilty! Should I feel quilty of lying to others? Would You understand such a person like me? I don't know if I can justify myself. I went completely insane.
  7. Probably, there were most of You live in the USA or UK some people implanted microchips in their hands? Is this phenomenon rising in the places where You live? Do You discuss it with your co-workers, family members, friends or neighbours?
  8. Thank You for advices guys I saw my dentist in this week and she said that it's not a big deal, but it might be a virus and recommended using some herbal rinse. On Monday I'm going to see dentist surgeon, that specializes much more in pathological changes in a mouth and in the next week I'm going to see an oncologist. I don't know if it's dangerous or not, but lately I feel like perspective of death is on my shoulders snd it seems to be much more scary after loosing religion. Do You know personally any ex-Christian who died, because of different diseases? What they were thinking about afterlife before death? Did they say a final prayer (in the case that God is real) or not?
  9. One preacher in my church tends to add to his sermons things that people told him in private or point misteakes that some brothers and sisters made during Bible Studying meetings. Yeah, and there is lots of gossiping. And thare is even one room, where elders come with someone who did something bad to admonish that person. Sometimes these conversations are really loud. I think that in my church there is lots of emotonally unstable people and mostly old people, so that's why it's much more stranger than in any other church. If they will ever find out about my crisis of faith and desire to live church for good and lying all the time to them, pretending good Christian girl...probably I will be taken to this room for a nice conversation. That's why I prefer to just move somewhere abroad one day and leave them letter. I could not stand meeting them on the streets or on the bus in my hometown.
  10. Well, I'm sort of scared of what I discovered on my cheeks inside: some kind of white lines up to my teeth line. I guess it's called leukoplakia. I had this condition I guess for a long time, but I didn't give it that much attention-it appeared and dissapeared. I always thought that it's some sort of reaction to food or me biting cheeks inside. On Friday, after eating salt popcorn and some acid sweets...my tongue was hurt and inside my right cheek under white line appeared red small blood blister. I read that it may have lot's of causes from just eating salty, acid food, some virus to oral cancer. Of course I freaked out and I used herb rinse (herb called sage- Salvia officinalis) in hope for help. On Saturday this blood blister dissapeared, but these white lines seem to still remain there-sometimes it's smaller, sometimes annoying. Immediately I decided to give up on junk food, sweets and salty, acid meals. I guess I will visit my dentist or in the worst time oncologist or I will go to a bigger town in my country where there is a medical centre with special lamp that checks for 15 minutes if there is any danger inside mouth. As I read leukoplakia might develop into cancer, so I need to check if my white lines are pre-cancerous or actually in cancer stage. Today on Sunday I said about it to my sisters in church and they of course were telling me to check if it's not serious and also to pray and that they will pray for me. And here question comes... Do You fear or start to panic, when You suspect that you might have a cancer or other disease? Do You feel kind of need to pray and do You wonder to pray for the miracle when it's going to be really serious? I even thought to myself that if I will ever have a serious disease I will be tempted to pray and say "Lord, if You will heal me I will believe in You again and I will serve You". But to be honest, even if I would be healed it could be really hard to program myself into Christianity again. Probably I would still have a dream to be a screenwriter, going abroad, meeting fascinating people who will like me for who I am, accept my doubts, listen to me. Anyway, I am sure that because of fear if I would be close to death, still although being sceptical I would have a long talk with God, saying that: "If You are real, please forgive me, forgive my doubts and accept me into the Kingdom of Heavens". When I watch on You Tube Atheist channels they don't really talk about sad side of life or how they survived through serious diseases without God's help. Please share with me some of your stories or people's stories who lost their faith and had to go through serious disease without praying to God. Yeah, there is always this urge to pray and seek protection in God Jesus Christ, when something sad, serious, devastating is happening in life.
  11. I wonder if people one day will have choice to not take it, even if it will be common. Maybe people who will refuse implanting microchip will be treated as insane or as a second category. One day I want to escape from my country to England, USA or Canada to cut some ties with my church, but what if I will have to have microchip to work there? I suspect that my great plan of quiet escape will come to reality. My head is spining around badly. Summer times are the worst, cause I have to witness to people and go to some Christian camps and after holidays I keep myself busy at university and pretend to myself that church does ot exist in my life. 2-3 years more of lying to dear brothers and sisters who think that I am an angel and like me. Usually when I give them advices I use pure psychology based on Christianity. I don't know why I chose to risk and pretend to believe for 6-8 years to live in peace in my hometown without their breath on my shoulders, waiting for the opportunity to escape, instead to tell them the truth. I'm insane. No one stay in a closet for so long as me. Fuego, I remember that once You mentioned that You have something in common with jazz. I had a period in my life when I was obsessed with jazz (during my lonely early teenage years) and still I imagine myself one day to play on the piano or saxophone and sing in a jazz club using my low voice that is not that great though. And I can't really play on any instrument, but one day who knows... One sister in church said to me that jazz has voodoo roots. It's kind of scary. But anyway, I don't care and still I admire jazz. I like Diana Krall, Norah Jones and Sting's version of "Someone to watch over me" or "Angel Eyes". florduh and Vigilethank thank You for Your answers.
  12. I wonder if there in the future will be free choice in terms of implanting microchip? Probably lots of ex-believers still will be afraid to allow it to happen, because many of them remember what it means from the Bible perspective- I guess in many cases it will bring memories about end times prophecies. For others it won't be a problem. And I think that for many individuals theists or non-theists implanting microchip may be for personal reasons thing that they don't want to have inside their arm. One day I think, well I don't want it, but another day if I will not be allowed to work without it or buy without it in any country abroad I have to take it :/
  13. Hello Hope everyone is well If not, I wish You lots of strength to go through rough times. Recently I was wondering if You have ever thought deeply about people who left church during times when You were still a believer? What were you thinking about brothers or sisters who all of the sudden left church, because of some reasons? What other people were telling You about this person? How it influenced You? Was that your first step to critical thinking or deconversion or You were left confused, because of that and started praying for that particular person? From the beginning of my journey with Evangelical Christianity I was a doubting believer and I began to have lots of mental breakdows because of that. I think like I'm the only one believer of all time that simply decided to go to church and stay there, because of emotions, attachement to God, lack of ability to say "NO" or lack of courage to express doubts. I wanted to resign and refused to be baptised in the water, but I was paralized and couldn't say that to elderly people in my church. I became a "true christian" without a REAL conviction. I spend almost 6 years in a Christian world without true faith. I don't know how it is possible that it happened to me...I don't know. ANYWAY...I come back to my question. What do You think about people who left church before You? In my small church I heared some stories of people who simply stopped going to church, their spiritual life colapsed or they left church to live in a free relationship with someone, not neccessary a Christian. Here where I live, believers have usually emotional reasons to leave, rather than intellectual (including science and evolution). That's why if they are too sensitive they come back very quickly after "living in a world". Some of them seem to be ok after leaving church, just living a normal, regular life, but others experienced issues with their own morality. I know one thing, although time passed really fast people in my church still somehow talk about "people who left", pray for their coming back to Jesus, even talk with them on the phome or try to see them. What about Your observations and experiences with this subject?
  14. Ok, thank You Ellinas
  15. I thought that this topic is going to be buried alive, but I see some new responses...so I'm glad. Definitely I agree with You daisyfields. I envy them that God for them is still alive and real and they seem to have no doubt about it. Nice Ellinas that You wrote something to me. I'm still uncertain, because of different stories that I heared from believers, their testimonies of new-borns on You Tube AND this whole transformation from within that people experience after inviting Jesus to their lives. Sometimes I'm not convinced that in every Christian case it's a fake, but actually they truly were touched by God. I don't know if in every case it's just a brain's trick. That's what You are saying is completely true and in the same time there is this thought that maybe God's ways are not ours and he does some things even if we don't get it. All forms of suffereing seem to be unfair with or without God to be honest. I definitely go insane, cause when I'm in church I desire to be free and believe in science and evolution, but when I live my life and try to remove at least for some time church from my consciousness I remind myself different Christian testimonies or some people's cases (I wrote their names in the beginning of this topic). I noticed that, individuals who experience answered prayers and transformation in their life after inviting Jesus to their lives they start to ignore science and secular thought (they claim that they don't need it, cause God revelated himself to them) and scientists who analyze evolution, facts and proofs they seem to reject every single spiritual or mystical experience that anyone can have... claiming that in every case it's just a brain's work. It's hard to not go crazy thinking about all of that. Everyone has different minds, life's situation, struggles, family support or lack of support, alive family members or dead...everything what we experienced seems to influence the way we think about God and how our brain adopt imagination about him. For some people it would be better to not to lose faith at all, cause it was literally only one thing that kept their lives together...last possible hope. Recently, I admitted to myself that yeah, God was always there for me as a little motherless daughter in Catholic Church or now in Evangelical (I see no way out for now), but I always had actually worldly desires although I was always God-believing pale, shy blondie with sad eyes. I mean dancing, listening to 80's music and other genres, being famous at least for doing one good thing for the world of the film, screenwriting, psychology, psychiatry. For years and still I choose jumping till midnight or longer to my favourite music and replaying same songs over and over again while watching video clips (I even got small letter from my neighbour to stop jumping and be quiet after 9 pm) than praying to God even though I had some precious conversations with him for hours, as I remember. SO YEAH, THAT'S WHAT BOTHERS ME :/ Today on sermon one elderly man said that world DID NOT came to existence from the big bag and sun, planets, stars DID NOT ordered themselves alone...someone had to do is and it's God. Although I am in church, in the closet and I miss Christianity I wanted to attack this man, screaming or shooting myself. Nowadays, I've got reactions typical for rational, critically thinking person, but still can't be OUT and fully satisfied about life, that is completely paranoid for me, cause it's full of beloved ones' death, laziness, shopaholism, debts, obsessions, maladaptive daydreaming, neverending curiosity, depersonalization (or rather panic and anxiety as my psychologist said), loneliness and...crazy dreaming. I focus on many things, but can't be truly productive at least in ONE.