skysoar15

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skysoar15 last won the day on April 7

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About skysoar15

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    College alumni for six months looking for people who feel the same way. Been a Christian for five and half years now, and I am honestly fed up with it. Need people who get it.

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
    Not right now.

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  1. I am actually going through the dark side of that. In an effort to distance myself from Christianity, I struggle now with regaining empathy. It's not that I would ever hurt people, but because I gave so much of my life for the church and people around me, I have to remind myself that there is worth in just being a good person. Sometimes I just get so apathetic to life that I unknowingly act selfishly. The cross became a point of anger for me. Everything was about the cross this and the cross that. It made me almost completely numb to it all. Once I stopped trying to 'please God' and just thought about everything logically, I grew to hate the cross symbolism. It represents everything that once ensnared me. The idea of the cross sounds almost completely asinine to me now. 'God placed a tree filled with temptation and allowed Satan to tempt his children. When his children (who didn't know any better) fall to said temptation, God kicks his children out and allows centuries of suffering. At one point, he even wipes out all of humanity with a flood. The only way to fix the mess HE allowed to happen is to send his son to face excruciating torture to clean it up. And we are supposed to be grateful for that. Yeah, no thank you. But I do see where you're coming from. The Christian idea of Jesus' death and rise is beautiful. When applying thought to it though, it just enrages me completely.
  2. A lot of older Christian music honestly isn't good. I'll give it credit now, though. There are a LOT more options to choose from. Fireflight, Fireleaf, Day of Fire, Hillsong, Jesus Culture, Jimmy Needham, Lecrae, Tedashi, Jonathan Thulin, Liz Vice, Lauren Daigle...etc. Spotify helped me discover a huge variety of different Christian Artists. The problem for me are the messages inherent in the songs, not the quality. The old school type of hymns was never my thing. Chris Tomlin is also the white bread of Christian music. But a good deal of it is actually quite good. I forced myself to stop listening to it. The music was a big part of the Christian mentality.
  3. The word 'Christian' has become synonymous with "nice person." I think when an average American thinks of a Christian, they see a kind, mellow, (possibly a little repressed), nice guy/girl who gives back to their community. I don't think many of them genuinely associate a Christian with their rock-solid belief in Jesus. A lot of African Americans are like this. Church is more of a statement than an expression of faith. In other words, many Americans are on auto-pilot when they claim to be Christians. It's the "decent" thing to say. It means you're a nice, good person. FEW people in this country are actually trying to live it out. At least compared to the ones on auto-pilot.
  4. Thanks for these words. They do help.
  5. LOL will do.
  6. I am sitting in front of my laptop and it's late at night. A startling realization occurs to me. I'm going to die one day. and it scares the shit out of me. I've seen so much cruelty in the way people treat each other. I'm not innocent either. The fads change and go...without warning. Technology just slips away and becomes obsolete. The VCR player, Ipod, landline phones... Our skin gets wrinklier and wrinklier. The technology becomes more and more confusing with each decade. And people settle in. They get married, have kids, and if lucky, they get to see those kids grow up. Or they lose their lives senselessly early on. So many people in power who are probably miserable. I swear, I'm going through an Ecclesiastes moment right now. This world doesn't make sense at all. Not even remotely. I also feel like nobody outside of here understands. I was always a cynical person stemming back from high school... but Christianity made me see the world as just so lost and hopeless. The way it looks...it's hard to disagree. We're all capable of such malice and destruction. Some people are raised to be killers. Some are raised to be kind, decent people. Everyone is born with prejudice to some capacity. Everyone is screwed up in SOME way, even if it's not harming anyone. The thought of the future scares me. What's going to happen when some asshole creates a virtual reality internet? What happens when it makes money? Hollywood keeps pumping out garbage because it makes money. Greed, jealousy, senseless drama... How the hell does one make sense of it? Please, tell me. No matter what someone does...it'll never be enough. If I made all the money in the world, I'd still feel angry at this world. If I had all of most beautiful women (in my eyes), I'd still be lonely. If I had every material object, I'd get bored. And the worst part...? There is NO FREAKING ANSWER! Christianity...scares me. Religion scares me. EVERYTHING scares me. Life scares me. Please...tell me it's going to be alright... Because some days...I just can't see it. I keep breathing...but the world just seems so dim. I don't understand how people can go day to day without going crazy. I envy a lot of people. I'm afraid to have kids one day. I'm afraid I might do something wrong and scar them emotionally somehow. I'm afraid of never being good enough. I'm afraid of romance. Can I ever meet a woman who gets how the hell I think? Time is just...passing by. I can't do a thing about it.
  7. Eh, I just say "Bless You" anyway. It's not like it matters. I'm just wired to say it. Hell, I'll say grace at the family table if it means keeping peace. Doesn't mean I actually believe in it.
  8. Church folks can be some of the friendliest people in the world. Not joking. The warmth I've been shown by churchgoers has been insane. Yet, I also hear about how people suffered from church as well. This and a million other factors caused me to stop trusting religion in general. I started being sickened by my church environment and wondering why God would allow this area to prosper but allow other churches to cause abuse/suffering. The bad things I saw overtook the good things. One of my pet peeves is praising God for good fortune. My mom does this regularly. I can't bring myself to praise God for being fortunate when millions of people are legitimately suffering for no real reason. It just sucks. I have spent the last several weeks angry at everyone from church. Most of them I still refuse to be around. I am gradually learning to accept that they're under a huge delusion. Nobody meant to hurt me when they introduced me to Christianity. They did it with a sincere belief in my salvation. For that, my position has softened considerably. That doesn't make it easier to be around them, but it makes me less antagonistic. I understand where you're coming from. If it makes you feel better, millions of people have fallen into the same trap. You are the one brave enough to risk leaving in spite of the social consequences. Many people just stay trapped without realizing it. You're not alone in feeling pissed. Trust me.
  9. I was in a college evangelical group. Some close people won me by being the first true friends I ever had. Back then, I was quietly desperate for friendship. I never whined about it or made a big deal about it, but I grew tired of having just acquaintances. When I saw the faith of the kind people who befriended me, I wanted in. I became convinced that the only way to live a "bullshit" free life was through Christianity. Eventually time not only killed a good deal of my friendships but my faith as well. Scary part? My campus has one of THE biggest college evangelical groups in the States. Countless college students go through it and a good chunk become Christian leaders. It's cult like and scary. I started making peace with the doubts that I had. The first step I made was to stop being influenced by the college group. I couldn't let my desire for friendship outweigh by desire to be freed from that cult-like environment. It has been extremely hard. Soon, I realized that I wasn't being kind out of my heart, but because "God" told me so. So many of these college students were the same way. These are students giving up their dreams to "live out the gospel," because supposedly they found something better. All I see now are brainwashed people more or less my age being convinced by powerful speakers, repetitive music, and an almost nihilistic mindset of "nothing matters here, live for God alone." I'm really glad I never found a spouse there. I'd never leave. A good chunk of students there find their wives/husbands and live their lives as missionaries. Fuck that.
  10. This. Most Americans don't have a clue why they believe, even the Southern Bible-Belt ones. Church itself brings many positive connotations. Community Service Work Friendships Sometimes decent music Respectability Eternal Security I think many American Christians are indifferent to the teachings of Christ. Church doesn't usually mean "Body of Christ," but a place to hang out, socialize, do good deeds, and maybe meet someone special. And ironically, the 'serious' Christians are often belittled by the typically indifferent American Christians. It's pretty sad.
  11. The sheer amount of disclaimers at the end of this video is hysterical.
  12. You're entitled to your own choices, but I encourage you not to isolate yourself. When I've felt hopeless, I have felt that permanent solutions were the only way to end the pain. There's not a lot of places like this website. I encourage you to take a break from it like I have. Take some weeks off away from it, months even. Too much time on here without purpose can be a bad thing. But don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
  13. I am talking about 'Toy Story' when he realized that he was just an action-figure. Right now, I often feel like a drunken Buzz out of his mind after finding out the truth about his own delusions. Cheesy comparison, but it's relevant to me. Life is still going on and he's just there...drinking tea with Molly's toys not giving a fuck. He gains a renewed purpose, but honestly...I'm still figuring out what mine is. I'm no longer a part of an 'army' of Christian brothers, spreading the message. I'm no longer part of 'God's chosen people.' There are days where it's impossible to get out of bed. Life just seems so meaningless at times. Sure it's melodramatic, but I really do feel lost at times. I stayed away from the forums for a couple of weeks because staying on here all the time just wasn't healthy for me. This is all part of the deconverting process, for sure. Taking it one day at a time.
  14. Welcome as well. One of the things that sucks the most is that your old Christian friends will never see anything wrong in their behavior. Asking a Christian not to be a Christian is like expecting water not to be wet. I don't even try. I hope it all works out for you. I'm in the process of evaluating who's worth keeping in my life and who is a threat to it. Some Christian friends I had are still legitimately sticking by me, which is cool to see...but I expect that to be rare.