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Riversong last won the day on May 3

Riversong had the most liked content!

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About Riversong

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    Reading, baking, hiking
  • More About Me
    Mother of 2. Recent exC

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  • Still have any Gods? If so, who or what?
  1. Living without absolution

    It might be worth checking out this article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling something that stuck out to me in your post is that you know it's "normal" for people to do something like what your partner does. I've realized that people who define what is normal for you are often trying to control/define your sense of normal and make you feel crazy. And since you may be the one with problems and you know your partner to be loving, it follows that you are the crazy one. Except- no!! I was in a controlling relationship and now I am not. If that article gets you thinking, the next book to follow up with is "Why Does He Do That?" By Lundy Bancroft. Excellent book that gives insight into controlling men. And sorry if that doesn't ring true on any level!! I understand the repressed feelings as well. My therapist gave me the book "Codependent No More" which has been a big help. I am getting better insight into what I am responsible for and what others are responsible for. On anger- other people can be angry and it doesn't mean I've done something wrong. I am not responsible for "fixing" other people's emotions. Just because others make me feel that I ought to be ashamed/feel guilty doesn't mean I have to be. My habit of picking on my self/self-torture is not my fault but I am responsible to learn to stop. And also that it's ok and normal to have a huge range of feelings. I think the key to not getting stuck is observing the feelings and letting them pass without beating yourself up about them. Also, it sounds like you may be depressed. I struggle with depression myself and an antidepressant has been a huge help!!! Along with self-care. It sounds like you are really trying to gain insight into what's going on. I wish you the best! Again, sorry if anything I wrote ends up being way off base. It's just what occurred to me based on my own experience. Take care-
  2. My Father was a Child Molester

    Shinobi- what a horrible story. I'm glad that you and your sister have been able to start the healing process. I think that I would never be able to attend church again simply because Christianity makes its followers either victims or unwitting accomplices to abusers. The respect for the higher levels coupled with all the forgiveness talk creates a safe haven for abusers. And Christians are simply unwilling to educate themselves on abuse prevention or healing. I think because it's seen as secular knowledge. And god and prayer and forgiveness solves everything. Church unity and keeping up appearances is paramount. Ridiculous because those outside the church see how things are swept under the rug. Inside the church, though, they think about how it would ruin reputations and people won't want to come to church. Nope- people don't want to come to your church because you are a bunch of dishonest, hypocritical fucks. How it all played out in your family's situation doesn't surprise me at all. I was molested as a child at a home group bible study. Luckily I don't retain much of the memory and I told my parents immediately. But, they didn't press charges because they didn't want to put me through that. And they had this teen write apology letters to us. Which was super lame- about how sorry he was and how he tries so hard but the devil keeps making him slip up. And the letter my mom wrote back was filled with, we are trying to forgive you and know you have repented... anyways, all that to say how it is so very believable that your church and family didn't handle it perfectly at the time. And that the Christian programming is just awful in that regard. (Honestly, I am glad to hear your mom did divorce immediately and move out. I've heard terrible stories of the mom not being able to do that because of the controlling dynamics in the family). best wishes for the future and for the healing process. I'm sure that your sister is thankful to have you. You understand some of what she has one through and you are obviously supportive of her.
  3. How did you let go of bitterness?

    My therapist loves Dr Dan Siegel- especially his book, "Mindsight." His website has some info and free resources. Combines mindfulness and neurobiology. And how understanding what's going on can help you rewire.
  4. Didn't realize how hard this would be...

    I have a similar type of personality. Some things that have helped me: therapist meditation journalling- observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement book recommended by therapist- "codependent no more". Similar to the comment above. I found it interesting and hit way closer to home than I expected. I expend a lot of energy regulating the people around me to the expense of myself. Thought process ends up chaotic and I can't even pin down what I actually want/need. Time self-care finding out more about my personality- hsp and Myers Briggs type. i just started the book "the power of myth" and find it fascinating. You can check out Joseph Campbell and see if that might be of interest. Good luck!
  5. The passion feelings

    Hello fellow HSP's! I also come in as an INFP on Myers Briggs, so there's a lot of empathy going on, lol. DB- glad you posted about this! I've been carefully avoiding christiantalk like snake oil lately, so I haven't had the emotional feelings come back yet. Actuallly, I take that back. I was organizing the attic and moved the Christmas stuff and realized what a big loss religion really can be. All those fuzzy Christmas feelings and nativity scenes and sweet baby jesus.... your above post resonated as well as well about the unanswered prayers and memories of a god who is supposed to be your best friend but is also an enemy. Mind-bending!
  6. Finally Free

    Welcome! I understand the feeling of drawing away from people who have a simpler outlook with all the answers. Sounds like you are doing well and good luck on the journey!
  7. Interesting thread! A favorite Dostoevsky quotation of mine is, "How can you have lived and not have a story to tell?" I tend to agree with Faithfulless that re examining the past can be overdone. I am seeing a therapist right now and it has been extremely helpful. She explained it as a decoding process to help show how your brain interprets things. The point being that if you figure out some of your blind spots, you can account for them(vs being unaware of them and then crashing w/o warning). That all being said, I think we've all encountered people who use their past or some kind of paychobabble as a convenient excuse. I also think there's a point where we can over examine our lives to the point that we get trapped and aren't able to enjoy the present. I think it all comes down to balance.
  8. I am Jess, Hear Me Roar :)

    Hi! I'm a newcomer myself. This has been a great place to see how we all have this common experience of deconversion and how it is still a unique journey for each person. Mine was a slow burn throughout several(ok, many) difficult years. This past year was the final firecracker that blew it all apart. For me, it was a huge relief to lose my faith. However, I think many experience it the opposite way where the huge landmine comes first and the difficult years come after. All that to say, there is no one "right" experience. Take it one day at a time. I like the bakery idea! Sometimes ideas need to sit on the back burner of our minds for a while before everything falls into place. Take your time and good luck!!!
  9. I think the above posts are great. I agree that it is not your responsibilty to save your family. In all likelihood, it will not change them and it will place a huge burden on you. I'd second the suggestion of seeing if any of you are able to get into therapy. It could help you in expectations/boundaries/etc and them with their own issues. Best of luck!
  10. I'm Doing the Deconversion Thing

    Welcome and good luck on your journey!
  11. I will have to check it out. I highly recommend his book, "Crazy for God." I also read and enjoyed "Portofino."
  12. Wow- thanks for sharing! The freedom you feel and the increase in self-respect will make up for the frustration of knowing that you are being prayed for. And take you through the fall-out. When those conversations need to happen, it feels good to get it over with. I appreciate what you had to say about marriage. Before my deconversion, we realized that my husband had been an entitled asshole. We actually had thought that we were just living our Christian roles out. ? Life is so much better now that we are equal partners.
  13. Please tell me I'm not alone

    I wanted to add the number for the national suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 I know things seem dark right now. Sometimes the most we can do is to look at ourself in the mirror and say, "not today." Hugs!
  14. Same Sob Story, New Protagonist....but babies?

    I love the above advice. I think the key is not teaching your kids the exclusivist claims of Christianity. I think it creeps in so early. Even this last year, I had a book out on the table by Desmond TuTu called "God is not a Christian." My 7-yo was really puzzled by the title. How could God not be a Christian?? I was in the process of doubting and could at least say that people in other cultures have different religions and that it is ok. Clearly, until then, we had quietly communicated the pervasive Christian worldview that Jesus is the only way. I agree that it's key that your husband doesn't even understand the issues that you are bringing up. I think that if Christianity lite brings you friends at church and a general moral compass, that seems workable for raising kids together. If he respects and understands where you are coming from. Good luck!
  15. Please tell me I'm not alone

    I am sorry you are going through this right now! This past year has been the end of an unraveling process for me. I ended up in a therapist's office feeling completely numb and lacking any drive. Come to find out, this is called depression(I thought it was just my shitty personality)!! Went to therapy for a bit, wasn't enough. I started on antidepressants and it has been amazing. It is like I have rejoined the human race. I am still seeing my therapist and it has continued to be helpful. It is actually more helpful now, with the meds, because I am not using up so much of my energy fighting the depression and just trying to get through the day. It was so exhausting! Do do you have a therapist and/or option of taking meds? Self- care is also so important. Basics like getting sleep, meals, drinking water, getting fresh air. That list sounds overwhelming when you are hit by depression. I know. Best of luck and take it one day(or one hour) at a time! It was important for me to be able to recognize that the creeping fog of numbness was not me: ingratitude/discontentment/or a crappy personality. It is an actual thing- a brain chemical imbalance. You are not alone! Take care! --oh, a friend had told me once about something called religious trauma syndrome- and how leaving religion can cause a cluster of symptoms like depression/anxiety/issues with forming relationships outside of religion. Not sure if that might be helpful. Here was an article I read: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/2013/03/religious-trauma-syndrome/