Fundamentalism Escapee

[Spike Spiegel]

I've been reading a lot of the posts here...there's a large part of me that is already pretty much de-converted...but having grown up in the United Pentecostal Church, it's been pretty hard. I'll be a freshman in college next year, finally living away from my overprotective, narcissistic mother and her "church" that wants to consume me.

 

It's hard to describe exactly how I feel in terms of "faith." This whole thing started when I was just trying to disprove Pentecostalism as heretical to "real" Christianity. Then, with more research, I began to see that so much of the bullshit from Fundamentalism is also present in "normal" Christianity as well. And certain questions also continue to bother me: I asked a religion teacher at my Christian high school (a guy at least on the level of Ph.D/"Reverend Doctor") what would happen to a person who dies having never heard the Gospel. In a roundabout way, he pretty much said, "I don't know."

 

I just feel that there has to be something I've missed. Can it be that the religious world we know (at least, here in America) is a result of human beings continually mind-fucking themselves, trying to use an ancient religious order to make sense of the world around them?

 

But enough of my personal metaphysical mumbo-jumbo-- I'll try to give as clear a picture of my circumstances as possible here:

 

After she had me out of wedlock in 1991, my mother promised to "Gawwd" that she would devote her life to Him (she was thirty at the time, and had attempted to flee from her own Oneness Pentecostal upbringing without success). So I was born into an extremely rigid Pentecostal/Judeo-Christian environment. One of my first memories as a young child is going to hear "Bishop" T.D. Jakes with my mother (I'm pretty sure it was in Indianapolis). I was always in Sunday School and "Kids' Church," fully indoctrinated by the time I was in kindergarten. I can remember one day on the playground when I was six years old, trying to "witness" to the kids I met, especially one girl in particular who I thought was "bad" (even though, looking back on it now, it was probably the first time I was ever guiltily aware of the fact that I'd eventually start liking girls--there was some indeterminate emotion present that almost felt like arousal mixed with shame) because she had short, cropped black hair and was wearing something that exposed her midriff (it was definitely the '90s, huh?). I thought that I "loved" Jesus, even though I didn't know why. Things were always difficult for me to take in because I always tried so hard to analyze it all--my mom had taught me to read simple sentences by the time I was two years old, and I've always been one of those "honor student" types. Being African-American, I was even more of a novelty, and people always saw me as different.

 

My childhood Christian bliss continued until I was about eight, when I found out that unless I had the "Holy Ghost," I was destined for hell and eternal damnation. I begged and pleaded with Mom until she allowed me to be baptized "in Jesus' name," and I tried to no avail to "recieve the gift of the Holy Ghost" until one night, at a hot, stuffy "revival" meeting, I started mindlessly repeating the syllables of that gibberish I heard from the woman in front of me until I couldn't stop.

 

Thus, on July 10th, 1999, I became "Spirit-Filled."

 

Fast forward to about 2001--summer, I suppose. I still believed in the stuff my mother's church did (although she has always had the habit of jumping from church to church because the preacher pissed her off, or because their doctrine wasn't right, etc. It was something different every time--I think we've had about five different "home churches" over the course of my life). My mother took me to a church service where this guy talked about "the Rapture." Now I had something else besides hell to fear.

 

Travel through time with me again to about 2004-5, when I was starting my adolescence. New feelings and desires started taking over my mind, and I began to want to have my own life. My mother was especially at odds with the fact that I was starting to like anime--I remember feeling like a badass for watching Yu Yu Hakusho, Cowboy Bebop, and other "heathen, witchcraft" shows on Cartoon Network's "Toonami" and [adult swim] blocks. I was in middle school, and I was also starting to like girls. Having grown up on cartoons like the aforementioned anime as well as stuff like "Batman: The Animated Series," I purchased a sketch book and took up serious drawing as well as some cartoon and anime stuff on the side. My mother as well as my classmates at the parochial school I attended began to take issue with my art and the freedom I attempted to exercise by creating it. This caused me to feel (more) guilty for liking girls and anime, and at one point, because of Pentecostal doctrine, I felt it was a "sin" to draw the DC Comics character Nightwing because of his long, unruly hair, which we saw as a sign of "rebellion" in men. My "faith" at that time was mostly out of fear--I knew what I wanted to really do with myself, but I used a powerful form of self-deception to not only keep myself docile enough for Mom and the church, but also to convince myself that I still had the "Holy Ghost."

 

I was constantly at war with myself (and it didn't help that I was constantly being reminded of it with those weekly services where I saw all of the "saints" speaking "in tongues," something that I'd inevitably discovered that I'd been faking (even managing to fool myself!) since '99. I still believed my natural feelings to be "sin," and I went into a real spiral for a few years. I'd go cold-turkey for a while and then I'd lapse into this strange hyperactive sort of state, I can't describe it really, but I compulsively played video games, watched anime,and gawked at the girls in my middle school to escape the life that I knew was suffocating me, artistically, socially, and spiritually, from the inside out.

 

When I was fired from a volunteer job for misuse of the Internet resources (you fill in the blank here, remember that I was a severely depressed and repressed teenage boy), it was a sobering experience. I decided then that I would try to live up to the reputation that I'd previously had at the volunteer job and at "church" by trying my damnedest to be a better Christian. I immersed myself into the Pentecostalism, which eventually led to me questioning it, which led me to where I am today, not quite Christian, but not quite atheist/agnostic, either.

 

I just want the truth, that's all. And I want to live out my life as a person who is genuine. I've seen both sides of the coin. Fundy lifestyles can screw you over just as much as "worldly ones." The real prize seems to be wisdom and a sense of personal responsiblity. If I do hold on to a faith, it has to make itself evident to me beyond any reasonable doubt. I used to blame God for the volunteer job thing, but now I take complete responsibility for it. I just don't want to live in such an ass-backwards way.

 

As a senior in high school, I'd say I'm better now. My compulsive behaviors, sexual and otherwise, have mostly disappeared after giving up fundamentalism and mainstream Christianity. I started listening to secular music and watching movies like "Ghost in the Shell" and "Alien/Aliens" (I'm sort of a sci-fi geek, because I love movies that ask "why?" and "what if?"). I'm also a much better artist now, and I've been working on a graphic novel since July of '09 that will be semi-autobiographical with a pinch of cyberpunk futurism. When I go to college, I want to study English so that I can be a published author.

 

I don't know where I'll go with faith, etc. from here. I know that immersing myself in it before made me lose years of possible artistic evolution and experience--it took me forever to be able to do nudes, etc. without guilt. Once the way I looked at the world changed, the more respect I began to have for everything around me...and things that were "dirty" became beautiful. I can't put myself on the shelf like that. Why would a God give me these talents and aspirations just so that I'd deny them all? It makes no sense.

 

What books can I read to help me cut the cord of Christianity, so that I'll see myself as the man I can be and not the dependent infant I forced myself to be?

[Shyone]

It's hard to describe exactly how I feel in terms of "faith." This whole thing started when I was just trying to disprove Pentecostalism as heretical to "real" Christianity. Then, with more research, I began to see that so much of the bullshit from Fundamentalism is also present in "normal" Christianity as well. And certain questions also continue to bother me: I asked a religion teacher at my Christian high school (a guy at least on the level of Ph.D/"Reverend Doctor") what would happen to a person who dies having never heard the Gospel. In a roundabout way, he pretty much said, "I don't know."

 

<snip>

 

What books can I read to help me cut the cord of Christianity, so that I'll see myself as the man I can be and not the dependent infant I forced myself to be?

I started questioning for different reasons, and I think that was the beginning of the end. When you start searching, willing to accept that you may not know the truth or have the answers, accepting whatever the results may be, you have started to deconvert.

 

I thought it was remarkably honest of the Doctor to say, "I don't know." But I could have strung some verses together to make some kind of apologetic. So could you. The point is that apologetics can be made to justify any position, and that is hardly a way to run ones' life.

 

Books? Well, we've all got books. Every one his/her favorites. Here's my list (I'm going to save this list this time):

 

Philosophy:

Atheism: The Case Against God by George Smith

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins

The End of Faith by Sam Harris

How Religion Spoils Everything by Christopher Hitchens

Atheism: A Philosophical Justification by Michael Martin

Some Mistakes of Moses by Robert Ingersall

The Age of Reason by Thomas Paine

 

Personal Stories (with details and justification):

Why I Believed: Reflections of a former Missionary by Kenneth Daniels

Losing My Religion by William Lobdell

Losing Faith in Faith by Dan Barker

 

Books I haven't Read but have heard were great:

Anything by Bart Erhman, especially Misquoting Jesus

Anything by Robert M. Price (e.g. When Faith Meets Reason: Religion Scholars Reflect on Their Faith Journeys.)

 

Um, some others I've forgotten.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome! Congrats on finding your way out. In addition to perusing this site, there are other websites that help cut the cord (help satisfy your fears about having made a dreadful mistake, and end the self-defeating behaviors the church taught you):

 

http://www.whywontgodhealamputees.com

 

http://exchristian.net/exchristian/2009/07/god-of-abuse.html (I wrote this one)

 

http://losingmyreligion.com

 

http://debunkingchristianity.blogspot.com

 

There are other links listed on the main blog page of this site.

[HRDWarrior]

Welcome to the forum from a fellow artist and anime fan. Be glad that you are seeking out the truth in a rational manner while you are still living in the midst of fundy-land, for many of us it took longer and we wasted a lot more time on it. You've got a lot of fun choices ahead of you, starting with college. There are plenty of good art colleges out there, if I were you I'd take the plunge and head off to the one you like the best!

[TedGresham]

Hi, Spike!

 

I was pentecostal though not UPC, but I am very much aware of your mom's church and it's beliefs. I live in Lufkin, TX where the UPC's gather several times a year to shout the roof down. I've visited UPC churches and studied the doctrine, as I have many other churches. The thing about UPC and all of pentecostalism is that it's more than fundamentalist belief. You were taught that the "spirit" was supposed to be there to "keep" you from sin, make you powerful to serve, etc.... In other words, the "filling" was more than mere belief. Baptists believe but "everybody knows" they have no power! A'men! Except that it doesn't quite work that way.

 

Whether you're part of the exclusive UPC church or any other pentecostal denomination, your struggle is greater than a mere fundamental Baptist. After all, I'm sure you've seen and heard some pretty strange and powerful things in services, some unexplainable things, and you may have been a part of it all. Certainly you spoke in tongues, a phenomena that still baffles me even now as I am both Buddhist and atheist. It's more than babbling but what it is I can't say.

 

To be extremely blunt, you have to look it all in the eye and admit to yourself that it's just bullshit. It's many things but what it is not is true or effective. Everything simply does not work the way the preachers and teachers say. Then it would be a good idea to learn about the book upon which all of Christianity is based. There are some good books and links above about the falsehood of Christianity. I'd suggest that you right away learn that the foundations are non-existent, the book isn't what it is supposed to be. That was the corner I turned that made all the difference.

 

I would also suggest you read some Buddhist information. I'm not trying to convert you but there are in Buddha's teaching all the good stuff and none of the bad. It is a great place to discover the true reasons a person should be moral. buddhanet.net has loads of stuff. One of the best books is "What Buddhists Believe" by Dhammananda. The link is to the pdf. If you want to understand that man can have a purpose and should not fear, this is a good place to start. The other books and websites suggested will provide different points of view and help you understand the powerful programming you've been under and help you escape it.

 

Best of luck to you!