I've Been Needing Help Really Bad..

[ReneeRadical!]

So I posted my first testimony months ago, and it was about how I re-converted to Christianity sometime last year after suffering from a horrible mental breakdown and I'll try to articulate this as best as I can. I was afraid of demons and Satan and evil spirits, which ultimately led to my re-conversion. I always, always have had this strong fascination with evil and the super natural, probably because it was always talked about in my family, probably more than Jesus Christ and all that good stuff. The devil was always lurking around the corner, and I was terrified. Sometime near the end of last year while I was going through emotional turmoil, I had a really crazy thought that just glued to me. I had just had deliverance with my mother and step father not long before, but I was so afraid and certain that it wasn't done properly and that I still had demons in me cause it sure as hell felt like it. I was living in constant CONSTANT fear of everything evil.

 

I was so sick and tired of always worrying about it, so I thought "if you can't beat them, join them!" what I was thinking was that if they aren't going to leave me alone, and Jesus won't help me fight this, why not just give up and go to the bad side. I felt this incredibly intense, strong emotion flow through me. Like a strong desire to want to worship evil almost?. In my heart, and logical mind I knew neither Satan or Jesus existed, but still...I couldn't help it. I've been dealing with these conflictual behaviors ever since. Cause I become uncomfortable around prayer and crucifix's and just "holiness" altogether yet I know that its all a bunch of bologna anyways. I wish I wish I wish I could just detach myself from this completely but i'm just so latched on to it one way or the other. I don't believe, but I can't talk to my family cause they would definitely try to exorcise me and I don't even want to know how that would go down.

 

I feel scared that i've completely, actively invited evil into my "soul" but at the exact same time I don't even really believe in any of it. It's so complicated and fucking frustrating. Thanks for reading.

[Shyone]

Life would be more interesting if there were aliens, ghosts, real magic and all that stuff, but it's pretty much just clouds, sky, earth, plants and animals.

 

I gather that you do really need help, and I don't mean a sympathetic ear. When you think that things are chasing you, talking to you, out to get you or invading your body and "soul" then it's time to seek some real psychologic help.

 

I do wish you well, but I also know that you need more than that. If your parents or other relatives can't help, it's up to you. I would encourage you to seek secular help though because there is no benefit to exorcisms except as a temporary placebo for something that is internal, not external.

[ilovemybrain]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this! Makes me SO mad how religion messes up peoples' heads!

 

Probably part of this fear comes from the thought that is so pounded into us, that anything not "of Christ" is "of the devil" and that if you're a non xian, you're bad and evil. Don't believe it! You can (and should) define evil differently. Evil, if we even need to use that word, is people hurting other innocent people. If you can be an empathetic person who respects others and just tries to live a joyful life the best way you can, then there's nothing evil about that. Hang around these boards long enough and you'll find more "good", kind people than you'll ever meet in church!

 

It takes time, and emotional work to get through this stuff. Read some good books and strengthen your mind so that you can carry yourself through the emotional times. Thanks for posting!

[ilovemybrain]

I also want to second what Shyone said - I'd encourage you to take care of yourself by seeking professional counseling. No shame in that. Sounds like you need an outside perspective to help you get control of these thoughts so you can be healthy and happy.

[ReneeRadical!]

thank you guys very much. And i just recently got health insurance and am in the process of seeking mental help, i should have my first appointment next wednesday.

[Shyone]

thank you guys very much. And i just recently got health insurance and am in the process of seeking mental help, i should have my first appointment next wednesday.

Excellent! If it's not too personal, let us know how it's going. I've recommended counselling in the past, but no one has told me what it actually is!

[Overcame Faith]

Renee, I saw from your profile that you are 19 years old. That makes you an adult. Exorcisms are degrading acts of cruelty masquerading as some kind of work of god. Begin your recovery by never allowing anyone ever to perform one of those abominable acts on you again. They are meaningless in the sense that demons do not exist in the first place, but the psychological damage they could do to you is reprehensible. Do not be a party to another one and tell anyone who attempts to do one on you that you are in control of your life and they are not to do this to you. This includes your parents who should know better in the first place.

 

As for exorcisms in general. Take the time to carefully read the two most described exorcisms in the gospels. The first one is of the boy who went into convulsions and fell down. Here it is:

 

The Healing of a Boy with an Evil Spirit

 

14When they came to the other disciples, they saw a large crowd around them and the teachers of the law arguing with them. 15As soon as all the people saw Jesus, they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him.

16"What are you arguing with them about?" he asked.

 

17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

 

19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."

 

20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

 

21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

 

"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

 

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

 

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

 

25When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene, he rebuked the evil[a] spirit. "You deaf and mute spirit," he said, "I command you, come out of him and never enter him again."

 

26The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, "He's dead." 27But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.

 

28After Jesus had gone indoors, his disciples asked him privately, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"

 

29He replied, "This kind can come out only by prayer."

 

30They left that place and passed through Galilee. Jesus did not want anyone to know where they were, 31because he was teaching his disciples. He said to them, "The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men. They will kill him, and after three days he will rise." 32But they did not understand what he meant and were afraid to ask him about it.

 

Mark 9:14-32

 

It doesn't take a doctor to see the obvious if we look at the symptoms through 21st century eyes. This poor child suffered from epilepsy. He suffered from the classical symptoms of the condition. And yet it was mistaken by the "son of god" for demon possession. Pathetic.

 

Now take a look at the second most descriptive exorcism:

 

Mark 5

The Healing of a Demon-possessed Man

1They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes.[a] 2When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an evil spirit came from the tombs to meet him. 3This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him any more, not even with a chain. 4For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him. 5Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.

6When he saw Jesus from a distance, he ran and fell on his knees in front of him. 7He shouted at the top of his voice, "What do you want with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? Swear to God that you won't torture me!" 8For Jesus had said to him, "Come out of this man, you evil spirit!"

 

9Then Jesus asked him, "What is your name?"

 

"My name is Legion," he replied, "for we are many." 10And he begged Jesus again and again not to send them out of the area.

 

11A large herd of pigs was feeding on the nearby hillside. 12The demons begged Jesus, "Send us among the pigs; allow us to go into them." 13He gave them permission, and the evil spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.

 

14Those tending the pigs ran off and reported this in the town and countryside, and the people went out to see what had happened. 15When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind; and they were afraid. 16Those who had seen it told the people what had happened to the demon-possessed man—and told about the pigs as well. 17Then the people began to plead with Jesus to leave their region.

 

18As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. 19Jesus did not let him, but said, "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." 20So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis[c]how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.

 

It is obvious that this poor man suffered from a severe mental disorder of some kind. Yet it was mistaken for demon possession by the so-called "son of god." The rest of it about the demons going into the pigs, etc., was simply made-up to try to convince readers that there really were demons. But there weren't. The description of the man makes it obvious that the poor man suffered from a mental disorder.

 

There are no demons. You were never possessed by demons and you never will be possessed by demons. The exorcisms performed on you were a form of child abuse (since it sounds like you were a minor when they were done) and should never have been done and now that you are an adult, you should never allow one again.

 

Concerning what you described as becoming "...uncomfortable around prayer and crucifix's and just "holiness" altogether," don't let this bother you. All three of these things have no real meaning whatsoever. Prayers are just words, a crucifix is just a symbol, and "holiness" is a made-up concept. Any uncomfortableness you may have felt is understandable given what they did to you with the exorcisms. Additionally, any reaction you had was just psychological on your part. They have no intrinsic power of their own, they only have the power that you choose to give them.

 

I also join the others who have recommended that you seek some sort of psychological counseling.

 

Take control of your life and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

 

Edited to add: After writing this, I saw that you have already made an appointment with a mental health professional. Great news!!

[LGMR]

I feel for you. Find a good doctor and follow Overcame's advice. I'm not sure what I can add. From what I gathered in your post, you were Catholic, correct?

[Moxie]

ReneeRadical,

 

What kind of god would allow your life to be this scary and confusing? There is no such god. It's one big mind-fuck.

[The-Captain]

I wish I wish I wish I could just detach myself from this completely but i'm just so latched on to it one way or the other. I don't believe, but I can't talk to my family cause they would definitely try to exorcise me and I don't even want to know how that would go down.

 

I feel scared that i've completely, actively invited evil into my "soul" but at the exact same time I don't even really believe in any of it. It's so complicated and fucking frustrating. Thanks for reading.

 

Ah Renee, I'm sorry for your trouble. It really would be best for you if you would walk away, from all ideas of spiritual evil and good at work in your life. As you have seen it is not a healthy way of thinking or living. It isn't easy, and the kind of conditioning I went through doesn't compare to yours, but I think you can overcome it. Forget the fear and paranoia and resolve to live your life as best you can, forget devils and angels and follow your conscience! It isn't easy reasoning out things like morality and it can be damn scary facing emotional insecurities and problems without a fall back, but time and fortitude can help here.

 

Whatever you choose I wish you luck and well being.

[Galien]

This shit will tear up your mind in ways that words cannot even express. I spent years and years of my life waiting for demons to come get me,. I didn’t understand then that it was the incredible strength of my own fear that was controlling me. I thought it was coming from outside, but it was really coming from inside. In 1994 when I got kicked out of a cult I had a breakdown for all the same reasons as you by the sounds of things. I was told god had left me and I believed it I thought I was now completely evil and that my soul would be taken over by evil. I developed obsessive compulsive disorder, it was a horrible and terrifying experience.

 

What I have learned since then is the terrible mess that other people make of your head when they tell you things that have NO basis in reality whatsoever. I was hammered by demon talk in the assemblies of god, told that the closer I got to god the more they would try and attack me. What kind of an idiot tells that to a 14 year kid who is practically obsessed with keeping god happy through her perfect behaviour.

 

The shit churches tell us is to control us, and think about what a perfect job it does. Even after we walk out of their doors the shit they have taught us keeps us up nights, tortures our souls and drives us to suicide.

 

It is all crap, all of it. There is more than enough to be going on with in one’s daily life without massive doses of self imposed fear that drives you crazy and keeps you there. I learned to operate on the assumption that everything I had been taught about good and evil was complete crap, and that turned out to be right.

 

You deserve better life than this. There are NO DEMONS, but there is fear and if you let it, it will destroy you. It is one of the most destructive forces in the world.

 

Professional help is a good starting point, but you really have to learn to question every single bit of rubbish you have been taught and challenge it, and continue to challenge it until you remove it from your mind. You deserve to have peace inside you, and only you can facilitate this by realising that lies you have been told are generating your fear.

[Overcame Faith]

This shit will tear up your mind in ways that words cannot even express. I spent years and years of my life waiting for demons to come get me,. I didn’t understand then that it was the incredible strength of my own fear that was controlling me. I thought it was coming from outside, but it was really coming from inside. In 1994 when I got kicked out of a cult I had a breakdown for all the same reasons as you by the sounds of things. I was told god had left me and I believed it I thought I was now completely evil and that my soul would be taken over by evil. I developed obsessive compulsive disorder, it was a horrible and terrifying experience.

 

What I have learned since then is the terrible mess that other people make of your head when they tell you things that have NO basis in reality whatsoever. I was hammered by demon talk in the assemblies of god, told that the closer I got to god the more they would try and attack me. What kind of an idiot tells that to a 14 year kid who is practically obsessed with keeping god happy through her perfect behaviour.

 

The shit churches tell us is to control us, and think about what a perfect job it does. Even after we walk out of their doors the shit they have taught us keeps us up nights, tortures our souls and drives us to suicide.

 

It is all crap, all of it. There is more than enough to be going on with in one’s daily life without massive doses of self imposed fear that drives you crazy and keeps you there. I learned to operate on the assumption that everything I had been taught about good and evil was complete crap, and that turned out to be right.

 

You deserve better life than this. There are NO DEMONS, but there is fear and if you let it, it will destroy you. It is one of the most destructive forces in the world.

 

Professional help is a good starting point, but you really have to learn to question every single bit of rubbish you have been taught and challenge it, and continue to challenge it until you remove it from your mind. You deserve to have peace inside you, and only you can facilitate this by realising that lies you have been told are generating your fear.

 

Well said!! And I can tell it came from your heart.

[renoliz]

I had a fear of Hell and what it was doing to other people because I truly believed with all my heart in God that I was "saved." It really upset me to think of God roasting people for eternity. Also, of course Satan was scary to as he ruled the underworld. By the way I was Baptist.

 

I read a lot on how bogus the bible is. When I was still a Christian I found a site called the tentmaker and there is a site by them called what-the-hell-is-hell.com It was great, I stopped believing in Hell before I deconverted from Christianity. But then when I left the church I was going to they sort of threatened me and I got all upset about the Hell thing and Satan again. I was really a nervous wreck by then but then I am older than you and I have a lot of coping skills. I kept reminding myself that it is really just because of the stress of leaving the church. I kept telling myself how it is not real and I do not believe in Hell and Satan and I must not let this get me down. Finally, the fear reactions subsided and I am okay now.

 

I suggest, as others have, that you not allow any one near you for exorcism and other psychological mind games. They are not helping you find the inner strength that you posess to take care of yourself. I know you can get through this. Counseling probably won't hurt but you will get out of it what you put into it. Rely on your reason and common sense.

 

Keep walking forward. Other people have been through this kind of cult conditioning and made it out the other side happier and healthier people.

[LGMR]

I had a fear of Hell and what it was doing to other people because I truly believed with all my heart in God that I was "saved." It really upset me to think of God roasting people for eternity. Also, of course Satan was scary to as he ruled the underworld. By the way I was Baptist.

 

I read a lot on how bogus the bible is. When I was still a Christian I found a site called the tentmaker and there is a site by them called what-the-hell-is-hell.com It was great, I stopped believing in Hell before I deconverted from Christianity. But then when I left the church I was going to they sort of threatened me and I got all upset about the Hell thing and Satan again. I was really a nervous wreck by then but then I am older than you and I have a lot of coping skills. I kept reminding myself that it is really just because of the stress of leaving the church. I kept telling myself how it is not real and I do not believe in Hell and Satan and I must not let this get me down. Finally, the fear reactions subsided and I am okay now.

 

I suggest, as others have, that you not allow any one near you for exorcism and other psychological mind games. They are not helping you find the inner strength that you posess to take care of yourself. I know you can get through this. Counseling probably won't hurt but you will get out of it what you put into it. Rely on your reason and common sense.

 

Keep walking forward. Other people have been through this kind of cult conditioning and made it out the other side happier and healthier people.

 

Amazingly, Tentmaker helped me through my deconversion. In fact, I'm sure they've helped lot of Christians deconvert. They teach you to, well, not think for yourself, more think outside the box, because they still accept the bible has the unquestionable, "Only Word of God". They start people on a path to thinking for themselves.

 

(But I wouldn't never go there and say anything like that. Most "Orthodox" leaders don't consider them much of a threat. (Only people like Matt Slick, and J.P.H. take them on.) But they are still attacked regularly by the more fundy-type Christians. What I'm saying is, that would give both groups a ton of ammo to use against them. They helping people to think for themselves, and they are using religion as a, well, better tool than most.)

[Dagan]

I feel scared that i've completely, actively invited evil into my "soul" but at the exact same time I don't even really believe in any of it. It's so complicated and fucking frustrating. Thanks for reading.

 

You haven't invited evil into your soul.

 

You've realized that there are no unseen good and evil forces warring for your soul.

 

If anything, you're realized that you are in total control of your soul, and that no god or devil has any claim on it.

[renoliz]

I had a fear of Hell and what it was doing to other people because I truly believed with all my heart in God that I was "saved." It really upset me to think of God roasting people for eternity. Also, of course Satan was scary to as he ruled the underworld. By the way I was Baptist.

 

I read a lot on how bogus the bible is. When I was still a Christian I found a site called the tentmaker and there is a site by them called what-the-hell-is-hell.com It was great, I stopped believing in Hell before I deconverted from Christianity. But then when I left the church I was going to they sort of threatened me and I got all upset about the Hell thing and Satan again. I was really a nervous wreck by then but then I am older than you and I have a lot of coping skills. I kept reminding myself that it is really just because of the stress of leaving the church. I kept telling myself how it is not real and I do not believe in Hell and Satan and I must not let this get me down. Finally, the fear reactions subsided and I am okay now.

 

I suggest, as others have, that you not allow any one near you for exorcism and other psychological mind games. They are not helping you find the inner strength that you posess to take care of yourself. I know you can get through this. Counseling probably won't hurt but you will get out of it what you put into it. Rely on your reason and common sense.

 

Keep walking forward. Other people have been through this kind of cult conditioning and made it out the other side happier and healthier people.

 

Amazingly, Tentmaker helped me through my deconversion. In fact, I'm sure they've helped lot of Christians deconvert. They teach you to, well, not think for yourself, more think outside the box, because they still accept the bible has the unquestionable, "Only Word of God". They start people on a path to thinking for themselves.

 

(But I wouldn't never go there and say anything like that. Most "Orthodox" leaders don't consider them much of a threat. (Only people like Matt Slick, and J.P.H. take them on.) But they are still attacked regularly by the more fundy-type Christians. What I'm saying is, that would give both groups a ton of ammo to use against them. They helping people to think for themselves, and they are using religion as a, well, better tool than most.)

 

I actually thought I could be a Universalist for a little while because either God loves everybody or nobody. But of course I kept going until today when I know in my heart that there is no god. I don't tell other people what to think. I would never go to tentmaker website and tell them anything mean. They are nice, sincere people who genuinely want to help others get over their fear of Hell.

 

I told several Christians that are Baptist that there is no Hell and I thought that everyone would make it to Heaven. They acted like I was a total heretic. I tried to explain but they just couldn't give up the idea that god is roasting people in hell. "Why would you witness for Christ if there isn't Hell." Really, I thought it was so strange that people wouldn't jump on this idea. I had the Bible verses written down that proved that god saving everyone was just as plausible as god roasting everyone.

[ShallowByThyGame]

The only evil is ignorance and the only good is knowledge. -Socrates

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

Exorcism is abuse of those with mental illness to take advantage of those who are in need of help the most to prove their god exists. Seek real psychological help, as others have said. Neither you nor demons nor angels nor a supernatural causes those problems.

 

Aside from it just not helping, exorcism has been shown to not be harmless. Aside from a few cases of people being physically injured, there are also cases where peoples problems get worse because they think they're possessed and they're not. Leading to worse paranoia and other mental issues.

[sumluvlifilth]

I was living in constant CONSTANT fear of everything evil.

 

I was so sick and tired of always worrying about it, so I thought "if you can't beat them, join them!" what I was thinking was that if they aren't going to leave me alone, and Jesus won't help me fight this, why not just give up and go to the bad side. I felt this incredibly intense, strong emotion flow through me. Like a strong desire to want to worship evil almost?.

 

I can completely understand where you're coming from. When I was a kid, my mother and grandmother were completely obsessed with people being evil. They thought I was posessed. When I got into the church, they assured me that they could get rid of my demons, and that everything would be okay (and as I was having a psychotic break at the time I went to them, I was so scared that I would have done anything). But it always came back, and it was because I have a mental health problem and had undealt-with issues. I'm not saying that this means you have mental health problems, since I don't know you and the fear of evil among people raised in a exorsism-focused home is actually pretty common, but what I am saying is that it is all in your head. Worship God?- nothing happens. Worship evil?-nothing happens. It's what you do that matters, not what you worship.

Try not to worry. The fear eventually does diminish.

[Midnight-mindwanderings]

I find this poem to be empowering especially when I used to feel fear over hell:

 

Invictus by William Henley

 

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

 

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

[blue_eyes]

A) Is it possible for you to move out and get away from your family? Maybe transfer to a college out of state so that you could live in a dorm?

 

B ) As many others have said, fears, thoughts and ideas only have the power that we give to them. Next time the fear tries to creep up on you, maybe it might even help you to confront it out loud, as if it WERE a real being of some sort instead of just an idea. Maybe that's stupid, but it has actually helped me at times, because then I realise I'm only talking to myself and have nothing to fear. (I mean I can look pretty scary sometimes, but I'm really pretty nice)

 

C) This may be completely off, but I fully believe that laughter is the best medicine. (Well, laughter and anti-depressants)

There is a guy on youtube called NonStampCollector. His videos are freakin' hilarious!!! Not only that, but they help to show how absurd christian belief is. I don't know, but it might help you to put things in a better perspective. If you can start putting humor in your mind where only fear has been before, it might help. And if you can see through another's eyes besides your own just how ridiculous these things really are, maybe it will help you on your way to dismissing them altogether. While you're there, you might look up Edward Current as well. He does videos where he pretends to be a christian, but is totally mocking christians. I have as much fun reading the comments as I do watching the videos, because some people think he's for real!

 

 

Just a thought. I hope you do find help and peace!

[ReneeRadical!]

im moving out next month with a friend thank goodness

[Blue elephant]

Moving out sounds good Renee.

 

I think that my irrational fears about Christian issues dissipated much quicker once I moved away from the Christian family.

 

Once you move away, try to eat well and get lots of good quality sleep. These things assist your mental stability and strength.

 

All the best.

[PK!]

Keep us posted on how things turn out, Renee.

[Franko47]

im moving out next month with a friend thank goodness

 

 

I think you'll find that will be a big step in getting over much of this. It's hard to feel completely "in control" sometimes when living with parents and so on.

 

It's a tough position to be in when you're still suffering from the "afterbuzz" of retarded religion and it's desire to believe in a spirit world, which is obviously a form of projection. Duh. Any first year psychology student can see that; you might want to read up a bit on that subject.

 

When I was deconverting and felt bothered by these issues of "good forces" or "bad forces" trying to control me, I would tell them all to **** off and "bring it on". Nothing clears up the "monster in the closet" faster than inviting it to give it's "best shot".