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Goodbye Jesus

Gagging on the Wafer


SilentLoner

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I think i posted my story in one of the previous forums, but I wasnt too happy with it. i decided to rethink it and rewrite it. Hope u dont mind.

Here goes:

 

I officially became catholic around the age of 3 months when I was baptized at my hell-fearing grandma’s request. My parents had never been very religious, my mom coming from a non practicing Muslim family and my dad a deconverted catholic but obsessively caught up in an Indian guru cult he joined in the 70’s.

 

Even though I was born in the US, my family moved to Central America, where I grew up and have spent most of my life. I lived in a very catholic country, never meeting anyone of a different faith until my preteen years (one Jewish, one Buddhist).

 

We only attended church occasionally, or whenever my grandma asked us to. I enjoyed going at first, only because near the end of the sermon, the priest would ask all the children in the church to come up to the front altar where he was. All the kids would run up, and he would have us raise our arms while he said a prayer for us. (Looking back on it now it’s embarrassing).

 

My grandma made me pay attention by telling me that the large wooden statue of jesus on the cross up on the front of the church would come to life. I was young enough to believe her, and fro a long time each time we went I would stare transfixed at the statue, waiting for it to move.

 

I spent a lot of time with my grandma, who I think is the one who taught me to fear punishment for not following the faith. Each night I stayed over she would put holy water on my forehead to “keep demons away.” I was afraid to sleep without it. She made sure to teach me that other religions were dammed, and she even had a prayer booklet that asked for everyone in the world to become catholic.

 

The school I went to was not officially a religious school, but the teachers threatened us with “god is watching” and it had mandatory religion class after school for elementary students. Here we would sit in a circle around this old lady who told us the stories of adam, eve, noah, the usual stuff. We recited “hail mary’s” and “holy fathers”.

To encourage our memory, she would reward whoever recited correctly with erasers, candy and plastic rosaries.

At home, things weren’t too different. Over the years, my grandma’s preaching and at the insistence of several religious friends of my mothers, my mom finally gave in and converted. Unfortunately for me, she became the main religious force in the family. Although she claimed to be “merely spiritual”, you would have to be brain dead to not see that was a huge understatement.

We went to church every Sunday night, where I was expected to be on my best behavior. Once when I yawned in church, my mom slapped me and hissed: “This is the house of god!!” she later apologized, but I have yet to forgive her.

 

Like all the kids there, I had my first communion at the age of 10. The teacher who was supposed to prepare me for the communion made me read the bible, so I was unprepared as to what to do once there. Things went impressively wrong at the communion, including my dress sleeve catching fire from a candle and me gagging on the wafer and wine.

 

While it was horrible at the time, I’m grateful it went badly. It would help me in my decision to leave Catholicism behind.

 

My first real doubts happened when I went to confession one day when I was around 11. I went to the confession box, and the man on the other side practically yelled at me, asking what my sins were and when the last time I confessed was. I stammered that I didn’t know the last time, and he proceeded to mutter something about hell. I told him the sins, which consisted of talking back to my mom and lying about something. He muttered that I was wasting his time and shut the wooden window in my face.

I came out of that church and never went to confession again.

 

Doubts kept coming when the topic of evolution came up in fifth grade science class. The rest of my classmates laughed, but I was fascinated.

I don’t think I deconverted at one single time, but rather that my belief in a god wore away slowly, usustained by any logic.

I think I became an atheist at around 12.

 

It wasn’t until I was around 14 that I started doing research on the subject and started getting angry about all the lies I had been told. Not only did I not believe in xtianity anymore, I was furious at it. I had spent my childhood fearing condemnation and being bribed into believing.

 

I became bitter towards my religious relatives and got into nasty arguments with both my parents. I found the concept of a “god” to be ridiculous. At school, doubting the faith practically made me an outcast. I was made fun of and the target of many.

Real good experience, being preached to by your classmates. I only had one friend at the time, who was Buddhist (only non catholic besides me).

 

When I was 15, I was drawn to Pagan beliefs for some reason. Not only did the practices give a sense of comfort, I deeply enjoyed practicing something my relatives had always warned me against.

It’s been two years since then, and I guess I would call myself pagan (I follow my own set of beliefs). But my family still believes me to be an atheist. My parents still think im doing it just to rebel against them and that it’s just a charade. if my relatives ever found out I had paganish beliefs, they would probably have me exorcised. (not kidding)

 

I’ll spare them the trouble and keep my beliefs to myself, something I only wish they and all fundies out there would do.

 

whew! that has to be one of my longest vents ever :vent: . thanks for letting me rant on.

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  • 1 month later...

SilentLoner,

 

I have always loved your name. I treasure Silence and the lessons we can learn by pulling in or digging deep or looking up and lifting our eyes onto another plane. Recently, this thought ocurred to me. The Archaeologist of the Soul rarely comes up empty-handed. In that regard, silence can serve us well.

 

I'm glad you found reason to cause you to gag on the wafer and the wine. From there, with Catholicism behind you, you found fresh air.

 

It is our pleasure to have you as part of this community. I hope you've found a few friends who can relate to where you are now.

 

Reach

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Doubts kept coming when the topic of evolution came up in fifth grade science class. The rest of my classmates laughed, but I was fascinated.

I don’t think I deconverted at one single time, but rather that my belief in a god wore away slowly, usustained by any logic.

I think I became an atheist at around 12.

 

It wasn’t until I was around 14 that I started doing research on the subject and started getting angry about all the lies I had been told. Not only did I not believe in xtianity anymore, I was furious at it. I had spent my childhood fearing condemnation and being bribed into believing.

Thank you for posting this, Silent Loner. In spite of what you went through, I'm glad you started thinking early. I didn't start getting angry at the institution of Christianity until I was over 30. At first, I put my anger off onto individuals who "weren't really True Christians." But the more I studied, the more it became clear to me that some very serious and deliberate wrongs and lies were committed. And not just a random or small bit of it, either. The lies are deep, old, multi-layered and very systematic.

 

For me, confusion became anger, and then anger became fury.

 

Thanks for rewriting and posting this, SL.

 

Loren

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  • 2 weeks later...
I was unprepared as to what to do once there. Things went impressively wrong at the communion, including my dress sleeve catching fire from a candle and me gagging on the wafer and wine.
:scratch:

 

SL: From one loner to another:

 

Nice start to your "walk with the lord' must've been a sign

 

Feel lucky that you are smart enough to sort through the bs at such an early age. Lots of us are much slower learners. It just doesn't add up does it?

 

It's good that you're doing research and looking into things. Learning and reasoning is your best defense. It'll help you to fend off the "good servants of the Lord" who are bound to come your way and try to help you see the light. (including from your own family, looks like)

 

You've been here longer than me, so I won't welcome you or anything, but I'll see ya in the forums.

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Welcome Silent Loner, and thank you for your testimony. I just love the title of this thread btw.

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