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Goodbye Jesus

The Atheist Minister


TheSecretAtheist

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I've only recently told this story to anyone. Last weekend I started a blog, The Secret Atheist, where I have revealed my story, hiding behind this name to avoid repercussions such as losing my sole source of income. I'll provide a condensed version here, and anyone that wants to read the expanded version can venture over to my blog.

 

I was raised in a devout Christian (Southern Baptist) home by two parents who had only recently become "strong Christians." By the time I have memories, my father was a deacon in the church and my mother and he were both involved in teaching Sunday School and bible studies. My family was at church whenever the doors were open. When I was 10, my father received "the call" to ministry and we packed up most of what we owned and sold the rest and moved halfway across the country, from South Carolina to New Orleans. This was a huge move for us, in South Carolina no one in our family lived more than 3 hours away, New Orleans was a good 12 hour drive from our old home, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. New Orleans was also a huge culture shock to us.

 

For the next 10 years we lived in New Orleans, on the campus of the Baptist Seminary there, surrounded by people in training to become pastors, ministers, missionaries, and Christian educators. Many people grow up in Christian homes, not as many grow up in such a super-religious environment as I did.

 

By the time I was a young teen I had begun to have doubts about my religion, but I felt that I couldn't share them with anyone around me. Instead I "turned the volume up to 11" and pretended that nothing was wrong. I struggled constantly, praying to God for guidance, to help me to follow him and serve him. I didn't get an answer. I had a dual vision of the world around me. I saw it all through the eyes of a good Christian, saw how God was working, saw his miracles, saw his love. I also saw the world through the eyes of an unbeliever. I saw that the miracles could be explained away with science and saw that a lot of what was prayed for wasn't ever answered.

 

College was what really opened my eyes. Even though I went to a Southern Baptist college (and got a degree in church music!) I was free to study things on my own, and there were a few professors at the school who were much more open-minded than anyone I'd come across in my life. One was an evolutionist, even! I began to study theology, hoping that it would solidify my faith and clear away the doubts. I took a church job leading music. My doubts grew stronger. I became more liberal.

 

Seven years have passed since I graduated. I quit the church work for a few years and enjoyed life as as a "lay person" (non-minister) working in a couple of jobs and being somewhat involved with a local church. I started grad school, got a master of music in choral conducting, originally with the intention of teaching but then realized that wasn't a likely career path for me. I returned to the music ministry. Being involved in the leadership of a church once again I saw how much my beliefs had changed over the past decade, I realized that I no longer believed any of what the Baptist church taught, nor any of what the Presbyterian church taught (I thought, maybe I'd agree more with the PCUSA, more liberal denomination than the PCA but have since realized that it has gone beyond even that).

 

That job was temporary and I soon had to find another. A little over a year and half ago I started my second church since I entered graduate school. I was now questioning everything about Christianity. My studies in theology had led me to see that there was no truth to be found in Christianity. Just about 8 months ago I finally admitted to myself that I am no longer a Christian, I am an atheist. The months since then have been a strange mixture of freedom and loathing. I'm still tied to my job, though it is only a part-time job, as I have been unable to find anything else in this bad economy (I'd even looked for full-time church jobs to no avail). I can't tell most of my friends, for fear that it would get back to the church that I am no longer a believer. I can't tell my parents for fear that it would break their hearts. (My father is a pastor, my oldest little sister is married to a man who is in seminary now, my youngest little sisters are in high-school and I'm not sure how it would affect them.)

 

Then a week ago I started my blog, told my story, and invited a few friends to read it, friends I knew I could trust to not overreact and to keep my secret. Some of those friends are atheists themselves, some are theists but not Christians, and others are Christians of varying types. It was hard to admit to myself eight months ago, it was even harder to admit to other people, even people I know would agree with me.

 

Before recently I thought I was one of the few in my situation. Since writing my story online I have found that I am but a single member of a large group of people with very similar stories. One day I'll have a new job and can be open about it with my friends and community here. One day I'll get up the nerve to break this news to my parents. I didn't lost my faith, I grew out of it.

 

This is my story.

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Welcome to the boards, Secret. I think you'll like it here.

 

The bible is the Atheists' best friend. The more you study it, the less "god-inspired" it seems and more "man-invented". Same for god.

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Welcome! I hope you'll find the support you need here, (and a different job) so you can just be yourself to everyone. You don't have a dirty little secret. They're the ones who are deluded. All my family are fundamentalist christians, including husband, so the fallout was messy, but not nearly as bad as I had imagined and it is SOOOO worth it to be able to quit playing at xianity. Aside from your job issue, I'd say it's always worth it to just be yourself and let other people deal with their problems with it. My. $.02

 

Again, welcome! Great blog, btw!

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Welcome! Thanks for posting that, and like brain said, hopefully someday you will be able to be more open.

 

I'm still kind of half in the closet myself, but I'm not hiding or pretending. People are starting to figure it out.

 

I hope you can find new work. All that education will be good for something! Really, it will.

 

You made it here, now you're on the road to recovery!

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Welcome to the site TheSecretAtheist.

 

This is a great place for support and allows for freedom to vent and talk about a wealth of topics that you just can't anywhere else.

 

Read your story and great read. You've come a long way. :)

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Welcome to these forums. I'm sorry that your crisis of faith has you in this situation. I hope you find a way to move to a place where you can thrive in a life that is authentic for who you are and what you believe.

 

If I may make a suggestion, you might want to take some of the various career surveys and evaluations to determine what career areas with which your particular skill set is compatible.

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Welcome to Ex-C, Secret!

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It breaks my heart to hear your situation. I hope you find a new job and that you find solace here.

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Hi Secret,

 

Thank you for sharing and welcome to the site. There are many here who have stories similar to yours.

 

What if you took a student loan and went back into college? You could study for your masters in anything that you would prefer to build your future on....?

Anything you want.

It is never too late.

I look forward with you, to a time when this job problem is only a memory.

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foolish girl: Well, the problem is that I already owe over $40k in student loans right now. I'd rather not go further into debt.

 

Thank you all for your kind responses! The biggest thing for me over the past week has been realizing that there are SO MANY people who share my story.

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(Also, after finishing a masters degree I'm ready for a break from school again)

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Greetings!

 

I don't envy your situation at all. Frankly, though, I suspect that there is a high percentage of ministers who realize it's not true but who feel trapped in the only career they know.

 

Good luck as you work through your situation. Hopefully you can enjoy the journey ahead of you....

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Thankfully I'm not deeply entrenched in the church music ministry. While it IS the only real option I have to use my education in my profession right now outside of teaching high school (not something I feel I'm equipped to do, unless I'm allowed to strangle a couple of students as an example my first week! I kid, I kid!!!) I AM only part-time employed, and the job market for music directors is about as bleak is it is for any other field right now. Especially when I'm more classically trained than contemporary and so many churches to contemporary these days.

 

What IS good is that I have a masters degree and I think that makes me competitive in the job market even outside the music field. I also have a lot of experience managing people and budgets and that sort of thing from my work in the church. I just have to find someone who will hire me based on that!

 

I'm also thankful for my education since it is one of the things that helped me find the path to where I am now, that whole critical thinking bit and all. :)

 

I don't feel that my situation is all that terrible. Sure, I'm having to work in a job that feels empty to me now, and keep a facade up while I'm there, many people are unsatisfied with their jobs and many of them have committed a lot more of their life to that job than I have.

 

How many of those ministers turned atheists have a spouse and children to deal with in this mess? I haven't got a spouse, I haven't got children. The only person this directly affects is myself. My parents and sisters would have a hard time dealing with it, yes, but in the end their livelihood and personal views and mine are separate.

 

And how many people go through their lives still clinging to their religion and feeling guilty every minute of every day when the fail to live up to the standards it represents? I don't feel that guilt. I have no fear of what will happen when I die. I have no fear that I'm not on the right path. I have no worries that I'm not living up to the standard put before me. This has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life!

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And to those Christians who think that the only reason a person renounces Christianity and becomes an atheist is so that they can sin without feeling guilty:

 

That is not what I did. I came to the conclusion, though much reasoning and study and observation, that the religion I believed in was a lie. When I say I don't feel guilty it is because I no longer feel the guilt of doubting my religion, not that I no longer feel guilty for "sinful" things I may do.

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And to those Christians who think that the only reason a person renounces Christianity and becomes an atheist is so that they can sin without feeling guilty:

 

That is not what I did. I came to the conclusion, though much reasoning and study and observation, that the religion I believed in was a lie. When I say I don't feel guilty it is because I no longer feel the guilt of doubting my religion, not that I no longer feel guilty for "sinful" things I may do.

 

Well, I renounced Christianity long before I wanted to "sin" without feeling guilty! I left the "fold" when I was 12(too young to be a sinner, surely?), as I felt that I just could not believe the nonsense that I was being taught about a god who watched over us and protected us, etc.

 

I didn't want to become an atheist, I just stopped believing that there was a god or gods. Society labeled me an atheist, mainly in an unkind way!

 

Nothing at all has happened in the past 50 years or so to persuade me that my non-belief is not correct.

 

It's only during the past 2 years that I have, in fact, been researching, as Christianity was really starting to get up my nose, due to people trying to convert me, change my non-belief, especially one of my oldest friends, a fundamentalist. I decided I'd have some answers for him about where the Christian god came from and how Christianity(well, the Roman form) started and become so widespread.

 

I often wonder how many ministers, pastors, even people like bishops, etc. really, truly, from the bottom of their hearts, believe what they are preaching, or whether it's just a nice, safe, secure job for them.

 

As you mention, it was your education that caused you to question and finally stop believing. It was the same for me. If it is that way for so many people, how can it not be the same for all people with a good education?

 

Welcome to ExC and thank you for posting. Hope to hear more from you and good luck with your future.

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And to those Christians who think that the only reason a person renounces Christianity and becomes an atheist is so that they can sin without feeling guilty:

 

That is not what I did. I came to the conclusion, though much reasoning and study and observation, that the religion I believed in was a lie. When I say I don't feel guilty it is because I no longer feel the guilt of doubting my religion, not that I no longer feel guilty for "sinful" things I may do.

 

A resounding "amen" to that! Amen just means "truly, so be it" so I feel comfortable using it. Why let religion hijack all the cool words!

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Welcome to the boards, Secret. Lots of friends to meet here.

 

Just a thought from left field about the job situation. Australia is not in recession like the rest of the world. We are almost back to having a "skill shortage" again. And Australia is not full of rabid fundies. See if there are job opportunities over here perhaps?

 

People say that the climate is like California.

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And to those Christians who think that the only reason a person renounces Christianity and becomes an atheist is so that they can sin without feeling guilty:

 

That is not what I did. I came to the conclusion, though much reasoning and study and observation, that the religion I believed in was a lie. When I say I don't feel guilty it is because I no longer feel the guilt of doubting my religion, not that I no longer feel guilty for "sinful" things I may do.

 

A resounding "amen" to that! Amen just means "truly, so be it" so I feel comfortable using it. Why let religion hijack all the cool words!

 

Another AMEN here!!!!

 

I probably still live a more "sinless" life than a lot of christians do.

 

My rejection of christianity was simply an inescapable conclusion based on the evidence against it and lack of evidence for it, nothing more and nothing less.

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Just a thought from left field about the job situation. Australia is not in recession like the rest of the world. We are almost back to having a "skill shortage" again. And Australia is not full of rabid fundies. See if there are job opportunities over here perhaps?

 

People say that the climate is like California.

 

Wow it must be nice! (The not being in recession bit, the California bit too.) I'm not sure I'm ready to make that big a move. I have a lot of friends and family here and, though many of them are Christians and won't understand my views, I don't really want to leave them just yet.

 

(I may change my mind after the election in a few weeks!)

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Atheist Minister,

As you may be aware, Daniel Dennett and a colleague are currently doing a study on preachers who are not believers. Apparently there are many of them. Here is a link to a paper about the study that you might find interesting:

 

http://newsweek.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/Non-Believing-Clergy.pdf

 

He recounts that there are two jokes they have heard over and over from the preachers, which I paraphrase: (1) If you complete seminary and still believe in god, then you weren't paying attention, and (2) Seminary is where god goes to die.

 

Welcome to freethought, and thanks for posting.

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If you complete seminary and still believe in god, then you weren't paying attention

Ain't it the truth! The more I studied and learned the more I saw the problems and general nonsense that was the basis of the religion.

 

Hang in there. You will find honest work eventually!

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I thought that your story is fascinating. Especially the part where you were seeing the world through two sets of eyes - the believing side of you and the unbelieving side of you. You have a great attitude. Welcome to exC.

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Atheist Minister,

As you may be aware, Daniel Dennett and a colleague are currently doing a study on preachers who are not believers. Apparently there are many of them. Here is a link to a paper about the study that you might find interesting:

 

http://newsweek.wash...ving-Clergy.pdf

 

He recounts that there are two jokes they have heard over and over from the preachers, which I paraphrase: (1) If you complete seminary and still believe in god, then you weren't paying attention, and (2) Seminary is where god goes to die.

 

Welcome to freethought, and thanks for posting.

 

Actually, I ran across this study earlier this year when it made the rounds in Baptist circles (the president of The Southern Baptist Seminary wrote about it) and it was the proverbial hair on the proverbial camel's back that lead to my admitting to myself that I no longer believer in God. I wrote about this on my blog last week.

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TheSecretAtheist,

 

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to Ex-C. I too got my degree from a Southern Baptist university. Thankfully I was not tied to any church job when I deconverted. I was just a layman at the time so it was easier to walk away. I hope you can find new work soon. I can't imagine working at a church as an atheist. The inner turmoil must be acute. Keep us updated on your job search. Best wishes.

 

Jeremy

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Heh, and I thought I had adjusting to do when I moved here to New Orleans from Alabama. At least I had already deconverted, but living as an ex-C gone pagan in Alabama sucked - I can't imagine being tied to a church job too! Ick! And I can't imagine living here as a Baptist.

You seem to have a good attitude about it though. Welcome to the forum, and if you want to see NOLA as a heathen sometime, let me know! We can hit the bars and crack Jesus jokes!

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