I Am Uncomfortable With Labels

[Noumena]

Why should you believe me?

[Noumena]

....

[blackpudd1n]

You know, Noumena,this might sound kind of off the topic, but I have always wondered why so many people seem to hate/fear/view labels in a negative light. To me, they are just words that offer an explanation. I have bipolar. It doesn't mean to me that I am crazy or fit a stereotype, it just makes it easier for other people to understand that sometimes I am not myself because I am unwell. The label allows me to manage my condition, because without it I wouldn't know what I was trying to manage. I say I am an atheist with a soft spot for paganism. To me, that isn't a label, but a fluid description of where I am at in my beliefs at this point in time, and I find it necessary because I wear a pentagram and some pagans become upset if they think someone is wearing a symbol they consider sacred without any understanding of its meaning. I say my fiancee is dealing with social anxiety because it is easier for others to understand that he's not being rude nor "just shy" and should get over it- it is more complex than that and hard for him to deal with social situations at times.

 

And after what you have been through, it would be abnormal for it not to have affected your confidence, self-esteem, and understanding of human interaction and relationships. You would have to be a psychopath/sociopath for it to have not affected you. That it did affect you only testifies to your sensitivity and your own humanity, neither of which are bad. I always felt socially awkward, too, because my biological mother was so abusive and put me down so much. She told me I was "perfect", and would criticise me for any aberration, and I'm still dealing with the feelings of failure that I always felt because I could not meet that impossible standard. I obsessed constantly over every little thing, including social interactions, never fully understanding that social interactions were not set in concrete, that there was no right and wrong way really to interact. I always felt so inadequate, and would get into the worst of states over just speaking to sales assistants, too. But I don't necessary view it as a bad thing. I am more sensitive to shy people because of it than I would be without it. It's given me a level of empathy that I would not know without it. And it's helped me to understand that the majority of people are actually feeling the same way, that only the truly abnormal are confident about everything all the time. And I'd rather be this way than be insensitive to others. Overly confident people can also be obnoxious people, because they just can't understand what the problem is and think we should "just get over it". But it's not that simple.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, Noumena. I have seen from your posts that you are a very deep thinker- would you have wanted to give that up for the sake of being perceived as confident? You are fine just the way you are. Walk to your own beat

[older]

Blackpudd1n, what an insightful and compassionate response.

[Noumena]

...

[London]

Yeah I guess I was hit pretty hard by social anxiety or............. by the people who adopted me~ my 'mom' who didn't know how to constructively communicate with me so she bullied and beat me instead and my 'dad' didn't help much....he was always behaving inappropriately. Objectively speaking, I am "hotter" than my 'mom'. My 'dad' had no problem talking about it....which in turn made her hate me more as if I was deliberately asking for that kind of attention from a father figure. Yuck! I'm probably making a lot of people uncomfortable. Whatever...just wanted to get that out mainly because I am uncomfortable with labels....really I have social anxiety because I was raised by ignorant people. I'm ashamed about being misguided and mistreated. I love to learn so now I search out the intelligent so I can learn from them and break the awful behaviors I was taught.

 

I have to agree with blackpudd1n about labels, they help us understand things. Imagine that you wanted a can of beans but all the labels on all the cans in the supermarket have been removed. How do you know which ones are beans & which are peaches? You cannot spend your whole life opening cans to see which one contains beans.

We need labels to classify what things are, they help us all understand. A label is a word and a word is a label. Dog is a word, and a label for a creature that poops in your yard <giggle giggle>. But seriously it just helps us understand. Maybe you mean that there are labels that make you uncomfortable?

 

You have no business being ashamed about being mistreated and misguided. That is not something you did wrong. That is something that others did wrong to you and THEY should be ashamed about that. You are a human being that has suffered because of others short comings, you did not choose to be abused, do not make yourself feel bad because of it.

 

You are doing the smartest thing ever by seeking out life and information so that you can make decisions that are healthy for you. Good for you for being so smart. That is so cool. I believe that the happiest people are the "lifelong learners". It's your life, you get to make the rules, question everything and choose happiness.

[Noumena]

...

[blackpudd1n]

You know, Noumena,this might sound kind of off the topic, but I have always wondered why so many people seem to hate/fear/view labels in a negative light. To me, they are just words that offer an explanation. I have bipolar. It doesn't mean to me that I am crazy or fit a stereotype, it just makes it easier for other people to understand that sometimes I am not myself because I am unwell. The label allows me to manage my condition, because without it I wouldn't know what I was trying to manage. I say I am an atheist with a soft spot for paganism. To me, that isn't a label, but a fluid description of where I am at in my beliefs at this point in time, and I find it necessary because I wear a pentagram and some pagans become upset if they think someone is wearing a symbol they consider sacred without any understanding of its meaning. I say my fiancee is dealing with social anxiety because it is easier for others to understand that he's not being rude nor "just shy" and should get over it- it is more complex than that and hard for him to deal with social situations at times.

 

And after what you have been through, it would be abnormal for it not to have affected your confidence, self-esteem, and understanding of human interaction and relationships. You would have to be a psychopath/sociopath for it to have not affected you. That it did affect you only testifies to your sensitivity and your own humanity, neither of which are bad. I always felt socially awkward, too, because my biological mother was so abusive and put me down so much. She told me I was "perfect", and would criticise me for any aberration, and I'm still dealing with the feelings of failure that I always felt because I could not meet that impossible standard. I obsessed constantly over every little thing, including social interactions, never fully understanding that social interactions were not set in concrete, that there was no right and wrong way really to interact. I always felt so inadequate, and would get into the worst of states over just speaking to sales assistants, too. But I don't necessary view it as a bad thing. I am more sensitive to shy people because of it than I would be without it. It's given me a level of empathy that I would not know without it. And it's helped me to understand that the majority of people are actually feeling the same way, that only the truly abnormal are confident about everything all the time. And I'd rather be this way than be insensitive to others. Overly confident people can also be obnoxious people, because they just can't understand what the problem is and think we should "just get over it". But it's not that simple.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, Noumena. I have seen from your posts that you are a very deep thinker- would you have wanted to give that up for the sake of being perceived as confident? You are fine just the way you are. Walk to your own beat

 

This has put a smile on my face. Thank you. Deep thinking is part of my process of being creative. I love creating so no way would I want to give that up for the sake of being perceived as confident.

 

I'm glad, Noumena I once had a conversation with my psych nurse that really helped me. I have noticed this seeming thought process within society, that we all need to be "fixed", and it was really causing me a lot of anxiety and grief. I felt like I had so many parts of me that needed "fixing", and after a while my psych nurse just turned around and said, "maybe that's just you. Maybe that's just who you are. A little obsessive, a little neurotic, a bit of a stress-head. Maybe that's what makes you who you are." She went on to say, "No-one's got it together all of the time. I don't have it together all of the time. So if no-one else has it together all the time, why do you have to have it together all the time?" It was the first time in my life I actually felt normal, bipolar and all. It was the beginning of a process of self-acceptance that I am still going through. I came to understand that I don't have to be like everyone else, but at the same time I am just like everyone else, simply because no-one has it together all of the time. People seem to put so much emphasis on appearing to have it together. I decided to start being more open about my own struggles, and I found other people seemed relieved to be able to say, yeah, I'm not quite coping, either. It just takes so much pressure off, and I find that once the pressure to have it together all the time is gone I actually cope better.

 

The people who really annoy me these days are those hell-bent on being positive all the time. And they go around telling everyone else to be positive all the time. It's like, come on, you're not fooling me. All this talk of being better than we are, being sucessful, the self-improvement seminars and books and workshops- why can't we just be? Why can't we just be still and at peace within our own perfect imperfection? What are we so afraid of? Our own selves? And then the self-improvement industry feeds into our own inadequacies and fears, tells us that we need them to "fix" us, that we need to shell out money for their books and seminars and workshops and recordings, that we aren't good enough, when maybe, just maybe, we're okay the way we are.

 

Certainly there is a time and a place for professional counselling. I have a therapist I go and see when I need to. I see her when I have a specific issue I'd like to talk about. I might go and see her a few times in a row, or I might see her once and then leave it for a while. I see her for a different perspective on my issue, to have her play devil's advocate, and then I go away and work on a solution. A couple of times my fiancee and I have gone to see her when we could not reach a compromise on something, and she helps us see each other's point of view so we can reach that compromise. But I don't think that makes me deficient in any way. I just have a tool to use when i need a hand working something out Personally, I believe the self-improvement industry has a lot to answer for.

[blackpudd1n]

You're right. What I meant to say was there are labels that I'm not comfortable with. Yeah. I don't deserve the shame. Learning is such a painful and exhausting process for me. Just when I think I've figured myself out and have risen above the ignorance..I look back at things I've posted and I can clearly see how confused I really am. I feel sooo far behind that I just want to cry. I feel like I'm always playing "catch up".

 

We're all in the same boat, Noumena. Except the difference is, you're actually in front of many people, because you have insight. So many people go through life without even questioning why they think the way they do or do the things they do. To me, they seem dead before they are actually dead. If you can see where you are behind, you are actually in front of many, many people who don't even get that far. And there is a frightening number of people in the world who just walk through life, letting life happen to them. It is extremely good that you have that insight. Trust me on this, you are already in front And like I said in my last post, no-one has it together all the time. And I'll add to that and say that there is no set destination for any of us in life. Life is a learning process- I guarantee you, you will still be working stuff out the day you die, and that is okay. You think, you feel, you question. So many don't. You are not behind, you are in front. And not only that, but who are you playing catch-up to? Is it fair to compare yourself with someone else who has had different life experiences to you? There is not another single person on this planet that you can actually use to measure your progress, because we're all at different points on our journeys. And that, too, is okay. You are perfectly fine the way you are right now, and I know you will only continue to grow because you question so deeply. There is nothing wrong with you

[Noumena]

.......

[blackpudd1n]

Thanks. This is exactly what I needed to hear.

 

You're welcome- it was exactly what I needed to hear, too, at one stage, and something I remind myself of regularly- that I am okay. it seems so simple, but rarely does anyone ever seem to just put everything into perspective for us and tell us that we're okay just the way we are

[London]

Exactly, we are ok.

I always remind myself that I can only be better than myself. If I can look myself in the mirror and respect who I see, my life is good. It's really about who you want to be as a person, not who others want you to be. You live up to your own expectations and you will be very happy with yourself. Many years ago I decided that most people's opinions of me do not matter, I answer to me only. I don't beat myself up when I do something stupid, I learn & remember. Treat yourself with respect.

Always be the person you want to be, be genuine. You will be happy being yourself and you will be amazed at how many people will want to be around you. The answer is always inside of us. Don't ask the question "Who am I?" Make the statement "I am...". It takes practice to get there. Only because it can be hard to unlearn negative actions.

[Cracked]

I can add nothing that hasn't already been said. I can only give some personal advice. Enjoy life for all it's worth.

[blackpudd1n]

Exactly, we are ok.

I always remind myself that I can only be better than myself. If I can look myself in the mirror and respect who I see, my life is good. It's really about who you want to be as a person, not who others want you to be. You live up to your own expectations and you will be very happy with yourself. Many years ago I decided that most people's opinions of me do not matter, I answer to me only. I don't beat myself up when I do something stupid, I learn & remember. Treat yourself with respect.

Always be the person you want to be, be genuine. You will be happy being yourself and you will be amazed at how many people will want to be around you. The answer is always inside of us. Don't ask the question "Who am I?" Make the statement "I am...". It takes practice to get there. Only because it can be hard to unlearn negative actions.

 

Beautifully said, London

[Noumena]

I feel so much better and lighter now. Thank you so much guys.

[London]

Exactly, we are ok.

I always remind myself that I can only be better than myself. If I can look myself in the mirror and respect who I see, my life is good. It's really about who you want to be as a person, not who others want you to be. You live up to your own expectations and you will be very happy with yourself. Many years ago I decided that most people's opinions of me do not matter, I answer to me only. I don't beat myself up when I do something stupid, I learn & remember. Treat yourself with respect.

Always be the person you want to be, be genuine. You will be happy being yourself and you will be amazed at how many people will want to be around you. The answer is always inside of us. Don't ask the question "Who am I?" Make the statement "I am...". It takes practice to get there. Only because it can be hard to unlearn negative actions.

 

Beautifully said, London

I feel so much better and lighter now. Thank you so much guys.

 

@black, thank you

 

@noumena, I'm glad to hear that

[Noumena]

who hasn't been through something similar?

[blackpudd1n]

This may be off topic, but I felt so good about sharing my struggle that I wanted to also share how I feel now about the people who raised me.

 

I remember little snippets of information that my dad would tell me about mom. I believe? he was being totally honest. He told me that she was bullied and beat up a lot in school. Although she was really horrible to me...I am sad for her and hope that she talks or has talked to someone about her abuse, but I have a hard time letting go of the fact that she hasn't acknowledged the shit she put me through. No apology. No responsibility. Nothing. And I can't think of my dad as anything more than a pedophile. The last time I saw them (in 2008 .. before then I hadn't seen them since 1998?) I noticed the way both of them carried themselves....seemingly with a lot of guilt. I think I saw the shame in their eyes a few times. You know? Like when you catch a child doing something they know they aren't supposed to do?

Most of the things we talked about the last time were superficial and light. How good the turkey was...her collection of unicorns and her coca-cola room..and his gun collection. I never out right said "Hey mom? Do you remember the LAST time you attacked me and I punch you in the stomach and you doubled over onto the couch? 'Cause I do. And dad? Do you remember being sexually aroused when you hugged me? And the times you joked about me being the "ham" and mom being the "eggs" because my breasts are 3 times bigger than her's?" ......I never said those things out loud, but I sure was thinking it.

My therapist told me that some people just aren't capable of being what I hope them to be. Moral. Healthy.

 

I think I have forgiven them. I don't want a relationship with them. EVER. But I really miss my brothers..... I'm glad they are on my friendlist on facebook. Sometimes I wonder if they have horrible stories to share too. I'll never ask them though. My mom is on my friendlist too and sometimes I feel more sad for her than for me.

 

Thanks for sharing some more of your story, Noumena. It is so brave of you, and I know how much courage it takes, because I still struggle to talk about my own childhood. I certainly do understand the feelings of anger and resentment you have towards your parents; I feel the same way towards my own mother.

 

Even now, I wish that I could have her in my life. I dream of her crying for me to forgive her, apologising for everything she ever did to me. But I know it won't happen. Not ever. Because my biological mother is a psychopath (or sociopath if you prefer that term). For ten years I tried to find an excuse for her behaviour. I just wanted to feel better about the trauma I went through as a child, a way to feel sorry for her, a way to understand her and relieve myself of some of the anger. But there came a point a year ago, when I could no longer deny what was staring me in the face: my own biological mother was a psychopath, and my suspicion was backed up by mental health professionals when they read a letter of hers to me.

 

for me, I think that's the hardest thing I have to deal with: the idea of never gaining any closure. I have confronted her so many times, and she has outright lied to my face, even though I knew the facts of the situation first hand. And no-one understands what it's like to have a psychopath for a mother. I get so angry when I am encouraged to "make amends". Don't they understand that I would, if I could? Don't they understand that it is too dangerous for me and my life to have someone so toxic in it? People say, oh, your mother is not evil. Yes, she is. I want to yell in their faces, and say, were you there? Were you her child? Did you have to keep the secret of her abuse towards you? They invalidate my pain, because they are in denial that such people walk among us. They don't believe me, and it hurts, so I have just stopped talking about my childhood, because I am so sick of having my pain invalidated. And no one seems to understand how painful it is for me to not have her in my life. They don't understand that I still love her, even though I know she never loved me- I was just a minion to control and manipulate and bully.

 

So I hope you don't think I sound trite when I say I understand your pain. I may not know exactly what you went through or how it feels, but I do know how it feels to try and re-build your life after abuse, and the pain that accompanies not having a parent in your life. It hurts like all hell, but the pain that accompanies having them in your life is far worse. That I do understand. yesterday my biological mother sent me some Christmas gifts, and that angered me greatly. I don't need those reminders of her. I don't needs those reminders of the pain she's caused me. I will be giving them away, just like everything else. because I don't need any fresh guilt trips or reminders of her in my life. And I wish everyone else would come to understand that, too.

 

I wish you well, Noumena, as you slowly recover from the scars their actions have caused you. That you are still here among us, and that you are the empathetic person you are, is a testament to your strength of character. You could have chosen to be just like them, but you did not. And that, in itself, takes great courage.

 

*hugs*

[London]

I have not by any means experienced the type of abuse and pain from my family that the two of you have. No child should be robbed of a childhood and have it replaced with abuse. It's just wrong.

 

What I can speak to is the fact that some people should not have had children. They are incapable of raising them in a healthy environment because they are not healthy themselves. Sadly, in the end, we as children have to make a decision about their place in our lives. It is a hard decision to make.

 

Too many people say the line, "Blood is thicker than water." While physically true (science), it is not true in a family sense. The myth is that because you are related to someone, they require your absoloute devotion because they are your family. Reality: Family is who you choose to make your family. Family is really a definition that we set by our own standards. Relatives are related by blood, family is something we have control over when it comes to content.

 

As sad as it is, sometimes we have to let go of toxic people that we are related to. That does not mean that you don't love them, or that you are a bad person, it just means it's unhealthy for you to be in that situation. Not many people make the decision to cut someone out of their life when they are blood related, or when they are the people who raised you that we traditionally call family. It's a hard thing to do from the child's or sibling's view point. Although it always amazes me to see how easily a parent can disown a child.

 

You have to make a change so you can have a healthy life. I would always suggest having that conversation with a therapist. No one should be alone in this journey. A therapist can help you through the emotions and clarify the gray areas.

 

And most important, do not tie your self worth to the situation. Your self worth is about what you do in the world, not what others have done to you.

[Noumena]

thanks for your attention

[London]

I never expect anyone to take my advice, but I always hope the things I say can help someone. You seem like a very nice person and I know that in time you will heal from all of this.

[Noumena]

I never expect anyone to take my advice, but I always hope the things I say can help someone. You seem like a very nice person and I know that in time you will heal from all of this.

You helped me a lot, London. Thank you.

[Noumena]

[JadedAtheist]

but I have a hard time letting go of the fact that she hasn't acknowledged the shit she put me through. No apology. No responsibility. Nothing.

 

I'm sorry to hear what you've went through. I personally struggled (and still do in some ways) with dealing with this same thing with my father. As a child my father became an alcoholic and a drug addict. He would physically abuse my mother (a good portion of my childhood memories are him boot bashing my mother or smashing her head against the stairs until there was blood) and eventually his addictions cost us our home. My mother left him and he was out of the picture for most of my life. He made appearances every once in a while but he would land himself in jail and not be heard from again for many years at a time.

 

He phones me out of nowhere when I was around 19 and expected me to welcome him with open arms. When I didn't he got angry and projected the blame onto me. On more than one occasion he has referred to me as being damaged because I am withdrawn and not very social. He has never apologized to me or my mother and has only blamed her or me for his behavior. Things have improved for various reasons, but I don't think I'll ever hear him apologize.

[Noumena]

but I have a hard time letting go of the fact that she hasn't acknowledged the shit she put me through. No apology. No responsibility. Nothing.

 

I'm sorry to hear what you've went through. I personally struggled (and still do in some ways) with dealing with this same thing with my father. As a child my father became an alcoholic and a drug addict. He would physically abuse my mother (a good portion of my childhood memories are him boot bashing my mother or smashing her head against the stairs until there was blood) and eventually his addictions cost us our home. My mother left him and he was out of the picture for most of my life. He made appearances every once in a while but he would land himself in jail and not be heard from again for many years at a time.

 

He phones me out of nowhere when I was around 19 and expected me to welcome him with open arms. When I didn't he got angry and projected the blame onto me. On more than one occasion he has referred to me as being damaged because I am withdrawn and not very social. He has never apologized to me or my mother and has only blamed her or me for his behavior. Things have improved for various reasons, but I don't think I'll ever hear him apologize.

 

Well well. I see another fighter! Good for you, Jaded.