Stopping Anxiety Over Death

[Ariana]

The idea of death has rarely bothered me. I've always thought of death as if it was just the price one had to pay for the opportunity to live, and it's entirely worth it - life is beautiful and we should enjoy it while we can. However for the past few days I have had a constant stream of 'why should I enjoy this when it's only temporary?' 'what if my life is cut short?' 'what if I die after years of loneliness, disease, and pain?'

 

I'm only seventeen but thoughts of growing into a cranky old lady in constant pain with a failing mind is starting to scare me. The thought of passing away in that state seems awful to me, yet I would hate my life ending in a freak accident while I'm young. And I will most likely have to experience the death of many more people I care about.

 

 

Normal Ariana does not want to live forever, wants to pass away in peace at an old age, believes that you live on in the memories of those who loved you and that death is simply the price one has to pay to live (and it is completely worth it!)

 

This is just a depressing, morbid rut I am getting myself into - and I'm just curious how some of you get out of cycles of thought like this.

[Legion]

'why should I enjoy this when it's only temporary?'

Ariana, in my opinion our lives are made all the more precious by their fleeting nature. Every moment is precious. Soak it in. Take in its absurdity, beauty, power, and wonder. Please live your life to the fullest.

 

Imagine yourself on your death bed. Your end is near. What will you have wished that you had experienced?

[Ariana]

Every day is precious, I am usually so happy every morning that I wake up that I am alive, that my family is alive, that I am able to experience and feel. Life is beautiful, every form of life is beautiful, which is why I am surprised I am thinking this way. Perhaps it is connected to self-esteem, perhaps I am going through a period of wondering 'what am I doing to make a difference?' 'what good will I leave behind after I'm gone?' That sounds plausible, I guess. I've imagined myself passing away before - not anything connected with suicide or a death wish - and it's always given me feelings that of peace and contentment, like going to sleep after a long day.

[Legion]

... thoughts of growing into a cranky old lady in constant pain with a failing mind is starting to scare me.

 

I've imagined myself passing away before - not anything connected with suicide or a death wish - and it's always given me feelings that of peace and contentment, like going to sleep after a long day.

Alright, now I'm no psychologist Ariana, so I encourage you to view what I say here with skepticism.

 

It seems to me that you're not afraid or anxious about death. You seem to be afraid of the inevitable suffering that life brings.

 

If so, my suggestion is this. Know that the suffering is real. Be quiet and still reach out in your mind for those around you who are suffering in life. Have compassion for them. Empathize with them. Do this until you understand how you can bring them comfort. Then act to relieve their suffering. As you bring them comfort, you too will be comforted.

[Eugene39]

May I ask how long it has been since you de-converted? Fundyism doesn't deal with death - you simply close your eyes and keep on living in heaven, with all your dead relatives,etc. I went through a bout of dealing with my own death awhile back, as a phase of leaving Christianity, apparently. You may find the thread about it interesting, hopefully helpful.

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/48146-should-i-plan-my-funeral/page__p__692110#entry692110

 

As far as thinking about the suffering that you may go through, my suggestion is to start practicing not worrying. Easier said than done, I know. Start keeping track of the things you worry about. See how many of those things actually happen. It's amazing how what I worry about typically doesn't happen, it's the things I haven't worried about do happen, and I had to deal with those issues on the fly without ever having a chance to worry about it. It's something that animals have mastered - being able to live in the moment. I'm jealous, frankly.

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Ariana, and welcome to ExC.

 

However for the past few days I have had a constant stream of 'why should I enjoy this when it's only temporary?' 'what if my life is cut short?' 'what if I die after years of loneliness, disease, and pain?'

 

As Legion so wisely told you, you should enjoy this life precisely because it is only temporary. Have you ever thought about why gold is worth so much? It doesn't carry its value because there is a lot of it. It has such value for the exact opposite reason: because it is rare and precious. When we know and understand that our lives are temporary, then and only then can we truly come to understand how rare and precious it is and can fully appreciate it's great and immeasurable worth.

 

You have something that even the brightest star in the entire universe doesn't have. You have a conscious life and because of that wonderful fact you are in possession of the most precious thing in all the universe.

 

To answer your question, "...how [do] some of you get out of cycles of thought like this," the way I do is to think of life in terms that I described above.

[hereticzero]

I think everyone goes through some anxiety when it concerns the thought of death. i was more worried about dying when I was a fundy. These days the thought of dying doesn't bother me. I don't want to live so long that I have no more enjoyment in life because of illness or frailty of age.

[Ariana]

@Legion: That strikes a chord with me. The fear of aging has been something I pushed into my mind - I'm a senior about ready to graduate and I think 'Oh my, where has the time gone?' It started out as a superficial 'what if my looks don't age well and I turn out to be an ugly hag?' haha Then it turned into health concerns, then the body's natural deterioration as it ages. Then I'm also worried about external events I also cannot control - the economy, wars, natural disasters. Suffering does sound like something this could be rooted in.

 

@Eugene39: I began my de-conversion, in a way, when I was about nine years old actually but I don't recall ever going through this phase. I had never given much thought to death and the afterlife.

 

@Overcame Faith: I realize this, I really would love to just be happy with the joys in life but for whatever reason I can't rid myself of the odd distressful feeling.

[Legion]

Ah, Ariana. You're very kind.

 

Another thing. Something my Mom always told me. She said, "Don't borrow trouble." I think she was saying that as (or if) we anticipate the coming of woe, we tend to suffer it before the arrival. Thus we suffer needlessly. We've suffered twice.

 

I anticipate trouble ahead. I plan for it. I prepare for it. And it's going to suck. But it doesn't suck right at this moment.

 

I sure hope that made some sense.

[Foxy Methoxy]

I believe having a sense of humor about your mortality helps. For instance, I had just broken up with a woman I lived with for 6 years and was moving into my first apartment without a roommate. I had two small boxes filled with VHS porn in the middle of my bedroom. I had just taken a shower and was walking into my bedroom wearing a towel that came off and got tangled. I tripped over the boxes breaking them open in the process and narrowly missed putting my forehead into the corner of my chest of drawers as I fell. 1" more to the left, and I might have been found dead, naked, bleeding from the head, and covered in porn.

 

What a way to go!

[Legion]

[Kurari]

Legion's advice is very wise and very true. I just witnessed what he's said in action.

 

Death is a thing close to my heart at the moemnt because I just lost my grandfather one week ago. I've learned a lot about what happens when people die from him and from my mother, who died three years ago. My mother had a nightmarish death that is everything you and others dread. She had given up on her life and essentially committed suicide by self-neglect at the age of 65. She was abusive, an alcoholic, a chain smoker, a snob, and she had no friends and prevented me or my brother from comforting her or helping her. Her dying process was terrible. My mother died miserable, in pain, out of her mind, and hating everyone and every thing, including herself. I started having nightmares that that was going to happen to me too some day because she hadn't always been like that..

 

Now, my grandfather on the other hand, was a good and happy man. He was a doctor and spent his life helping improve and build hospitals, help folks get medical care even if they couldn't afford it, and teaching medicine and innovating new ideas to help others. He was also always active, ate right, exercised, and he enjoyed a long and healthy life with most of his independence and a strong body before passing at age 97. He got a bit sick at the end, but through the brief sickness and pain, he was still interested in the world. He had lots of friends who enjoyed coming to visit with him every day and having fun. He still lived as if he was going to do it forever and had stacks of books about things he was learning about. He passed peacefully and gracefully.

 

My grandmother is 94 and suffering from severe dementia, but she still sparkles with inner youth. She's still a kick to talk to, even if she repeats things and forgets who she is talking to moment to moment (she doesn't even understand that her husband of 70 years has passed away). She also has lots of friends who visit her a lot. We all know she won't be around much longer herself, but she's still unstoppable.

 

Even without knowing who I was, I told her I loved her very much. She smiled and said, "And I you." And she meant it. Even through the loss of her mind, she still understood that clearly. She knows she is loved and cared for and she is HAPPY.

 

So, to add to what Legion has said, suffering is an inevitability when it comes to things like getting old, getting sick, and having pain. But you can still live a good life and be content and happy THROUGH that when the time comes. If you make sure to practice being happy now, treating each day as precious, and giving and living in the beauty of the world, then death will pose no trouble for you and will be nothing to fear.

[Ariana]

@Foxy: You gave me a good chuckle, that sounds like a fantastic way to die. It almost makes you wish there was an afterlife so you could at least see the reaction of the person who finds your body.

 

And thank you again to Legion, you are indeed a very wise man and I greatly appreciate all the advice you have given me .

 

@Kurari: That does sound fantastic, your grandfather had a long life of quality and your grandmother is so vibrant - I would love my life to be happy until the end.

[Legion]

And thank you again to Legion, you are indeed a very wise man and I greatly appreciate all the advice you have given me

Ah Ariana, please don't say such things to me. It will make me get a big head. And it will make those here who know my foolishness cringe.

 

But you're welcome. I hope, with everything in me, that you live a rich life.

[Ariana]

I think I also worry that when I make it to old age I won't feel ready to die - whether I know I am going in a hospital or I'm at a point where I could easily die any day. That definitely sounds like a motivator to live the best life that you can yet I suppose I can't imagine at this age that I will EVER be ready no matter how my life pans out.

 

Oh puh-leaze You have been very helpful.

[Foxy Methoxy]

I'm pretty sure when I've lost all my teeth and am wearing adult diapers, I'll be ready to depart.

[Legion]

I'm pretty sure when I've lost all my teeth and am wearing adult diapers, I'll be ready to depart.

Don't forget about the splint to keep the rod up and a dim hopeful memory of a labido.

[Ariana]

I guess I am just too young to imagine a time being a grey, wrinkled, weak, tired lady with vague memories of a sex drive Thinking about old-age in that respect really does make you think that of course there will be a time when you'll be comfortable with death. The curtain eventually has to go down on life and when it does hopefully you will be so worn out that all you can think is 'That was fantastic! but I am ready to go now.'

[pratt]

i had an heart attack more than 3 years ago, almost died, but survived with a damaged heart.

 

when i was recovering, was thinking, am i ready to go at 44? well, i was not ready to go as yet, but am ready to let go. only anxiety i had was i had not erase all the "undesirable websites" i visited on my netbook and desktop, some kinky stuff in my secret locked drawer in my cabinets (it would be embarrasing for my conservative family to discover them, hahaha) and the little money i put away in a bank where only I know and some little investment with friends my family know nothing about.

 

This reminds me to prepare my will that i have been postponing for long time.

 

Anxiety over death? I think I am ready but will i go now? preferably not.

 

How would I like to go? Probably after a nice dinner with an aged scotch, sleeping on my comfy chair. Hopefully not in toilet halfway crapping and bowled over.

[Ariana]

I had a car accident I escaped from relatively unscathed but it still left me with some anxiety problems - I was irrationally worried every night before I went to sleep that I would not wake up the next morning, for example. And the first thing I would do before I went to bed was clear all of my internet history XD.

 

I have nothing to leave yet except an empty room in the house, twenty dollars I received in a Christmas card, and memories of dreams I said I wished to fulfill. Nope, not ready in the slightest.

[Eugene39]

Ah! A car accident. Yes, those are a real good trigger for thinking about how things could have been totally different now and how life could have changed completely or ended in a split second. When my older boy was learning to drive, we had such a close call with a big pick-up truck towing a camper that I didn't sleep much for about 3 nights. We updated our will, and I bought more life insurance. Also, when one of my kids is driving, my wife sits on one side of the car and I'm on the other. In the close call, we were both on the same side - sort of how the president and vice-president don't travel together! As far as how I die, I so bad want to just die in my sleep. That would undoubtedly be the best way.

[DesertBob]

Then it turned into health concerns, then the body's natural deterioration as it ages. Then I'm also worried about external events I also cannot control - the economy, wars, natural disasters. Suffering does sound like something this could be rooted in.

I don't fear death, only the process of dying. But even there, and even at the ripe old age of nearly 55, I recognize that it's mostly out of my control. Not one aspect of my life has turned out how I thought it would, some better and most worse; and I don't know anyone my age who can honestly say anything different. As such, what is the point of worrying about what might or might not happen? Things never go down as expected. That is just life.

 

And you are not responsible for the vagaries of life. You are responsible to do your personal best and let the chips fall where they may. It's true that you don't have the strength to deal with some of the possible scenarios -- but you know what, that's because you don't NEED to have that strength. If it's ever called out of you, it will generally materialize just in the nick of time. Your resilience and adaptability will never cease to astound you.

[Blue elephant]

None of us can really know what life brings. Probably if you just keep planning and organising for the next three or so years, life will turn out just fine.

 

You are so young now that I would bet that any fears you might have about being elderly and in so much pain that you are not enjoying life will be irrelevant by then. There will be lots of medical cures and treatments come on the market by the time you are old.

 

In the mean time if you just eat moderately healthy food and do exercise most days you will almot certainly have a long and healthy life. Oh, and wear your seatbelt when you are in the car!

[Ariana]

Very true, look at all that humanity has accomplished within just a short time! It's outstanding! Being old may be enjoyable by the time I get there.

 

I think I've narrowed down the precise fear - I am a senior in High School and nearing the end of the typical school life I have been so accustomed to and I suppose I feel as if it has jumped on my too quickly...because I have rarely thought about it until this year. I think I'm worried about the passage of time, that it's moving too fast. Perhaps the whole 'make the most out of every moment you have' idea is stressing me out, I worry I'm not making the most of it - no matter what I'm doing I think I could be doing something better. Like, I'll never get back the time I've used to type this - WHAT HAVE I DONE???? Funny thing is, I really am wasting time worrying about death.

 

Life is beautiful, I need to remember that! Everything in my life means more because I won't have it forever and as long as something makes me happy or teaches me something it is not a waste, right?