31 replies to this topic

[atimetorend]

She also said that she can come to terms with me being an atheist, but in her mind, what she's really upset about is how bad our marriage has gotten.

That sounds really encouraging, it sounds like you have a path forward at least. I think it is good you informed her of your beliefs in writing. When my wife and I went through that process there were a lot of fireworks, and crazy things were said out of pure emotional reasons. Writing lets things be more deliberate.

t took us a year or two for things to settle down. Regardless of how the process plays out, it takes time for people to adjust to things. I wish we had had marriage counseling. The only counseling we received was through the church, which I put an end to when the discussion was 3 on 1 against me, challenging my questions about the bible! Anyway, we are pretty good now, we switched to a progressive church (from a pretty fundy one), and I can be myself there, don't have to pretend to believe anything. My wife has changed a lot too, even if she always retains her Christian beliefs, we are usually on the same page, give or take.

Hope everything works out well for you.

[Positivist]

illusion, on 07 February 2012 - 11:39 PM, said:

Well, I just had my first face to face with her since I sent the email. She said that she looked through my email.
She also said that she can come to terms with me being an atheist, but in her mind, what she's really upset about is how bad our marriage has gotten. So, I told her I'll do anything I can to make her feel loved, and be what she needs me to be. And, that next week we can go see a marriage counseller.

Wow, that is good news indeed. It sounds like you two are getting some traction. I hope you find a good marriage counselor (a real one...).
We are rooting for you!

[illusion]

I conceding on using a Christian marriage counselor. I've already pushed her a lot with coming out as an atheist, I thought if a Christian counselor would put her in a more comfortable position, then I can try it. But, if I don't think it's working out, then I'll insist on a secular counselor. To be honest, I don't think that the counselor is going to be the biggest issue in my marriage. I think we've gotten to a point where we just don't talk about anything that's really important for us because each of us is afraid of how the other will react. Just talking is going to be the biggest improvement for us. I'm in a much better mood today, and now I'm feeling optimistic that we will be able to work through this. Her initial reaction really scared me. I'm really hoping that we can work through our problems.

[midniterider]

illusion, on 08 February 2012 - 01:24 PM, said:

I conceding on using a Christian marriage counselor. I've already pushed her a lot with coming out as an atheist, I thought if a Christian counselor would put her in a more comfortable position, then I can try it. But, if I don't think it's working out, then I'll insist on a secular counselor. To be honest, I don't think that the counselor is going to be the biggest issue in my marriage. I think we've gotten to a point where we just don't talk about anything that's really important for us because each of us is afraid of how the other will react. Just talking is going to be the biggest improvement for us. I'm in a much better mood today, and now I'm feeling optimistic that we will be able to work through this. Her initial reaction really scared me. I'm really hoping that we can work through our problems.

Nothing wrong with a 'second opinion' by a secular counselor. Now that the truth is known about your non-belief that will release some pressure. While it is admirable to try and pretend to be something you are not...I'm sure I couldn't be convincing for very long. Honest communication really is the best in the long term. Then you don't feel ripped off by hiding your true self. Looks like your life is improving.

[Positivist]

illusion, on 08 February 2012 - 01:24 PM, said:

I conceding on using a Christian marriage counselor.

As long as they are a qualified and credentialed psychologist with real degrees (not a pastor, for heaven's sake), their belief system shouldn't matter.

[Voice]

He may begin to question your convictions and defend your wife or take her side on things. Be watchful.
Get from it what you can though. If he can help, he'll be worth seeing.

[illusion]

Last night my wife asked me to bring home some wine. She said that she wanted to talk. So I came home with 2 bottles of wine and we were up till 4am. It was the most open we've been with each other in a long time. What really came out of it was that she was at the end of her rope with our marriage before I decided to come out. And, coming out right now, seemed like it was the last thing that she wanted to deal with. But, in her mind, it's more of a blessing in disguise because if we didn't start talking, I don't know how much longer this marriage could have gone on. We have a lot to work through, but if last night is any sign. I think things are going to be ok.

[noob]

illusion, on 09 February 2012 - 12:30 PM, said:

Last night my wife asked me to bring home some wine. She said that she wanted to talk. So I came home with 2 bottles of wine and we were up till 4am. It was the most open we've been with each other in a long time. What really came out of it was that she was at the end of her rope with our marriage before I decided to come out. And, coming out right now, seemed like it was the last thing that she wanted to deal with. But, in her mind, it's more of a blessing in disguise because if we didn't start talking, I don't know how much longer this marriage could have gone on. We have a lot to work through, but if last night is any sign. I think things are going to be ok.

This is very good news, illusion. Keep talking and best wishes!

[NEWsong]

illusion, on 09 February 2012 - 12:30 PM, said:

we were up till 4am. It was the most open we've been with each other in a long time. What really came out of it was that she was at the end of her rope with our marriage before I decided to come out. And, coming out right now, seemed like it was the last thing that she wanted to deal with. But, in her mind, it's more of a blessing in disguise because if we didn't start talking, I think things are going to be ok.

I LOVE to hear the optimism and PEACE in your "voice"...I am so happy for you and your w (((illusion)))). Yes, I believe that "things ARE going to be OK" with the two of you...congrats!!!

[illusion]

Thanks for the support. I wouldn't have thought that we would have been able to talk this openly this soon. I'm starting to become active in a Recovering from Religion group, and my wife is fully aware and accepting of that. Next Tues. will be our first marriage counselling and I'm sort of looking forward to it.

[Blue elephant]

Just try and make sure that warm feelings predominate over cold feelings in all your interactions with her. She really needs that very very deep assurance that you care about her even though you have changed your religious views.

[TotalWreck]

illusion, on 07 February 2012 - 01:22 PM, said:

She wrote me back saying that I lied to her and that she never felt loved in the marriage and that our marriage is a shame. Now, I think that she's going to use this as her excuse to bail on the marriage. I guess I'm glad I came out, but I'm a little depressed right now.

I'm so sorry for you. But you know what? You can't spend your life pretending to believe in something when you don't and if someone doesn't want to be part of your life over something as dumb as a differences concerning religion, then maybe it's best you go your separate ways. Hopefully, she will be able to move beyond this. Good luck.

Edited by TotalWreck, 10 February 2012 - 01:21 AM.