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Denyoz

Letter From Joyce Meyer

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I once bought a book from Joyce Meyer Ministries and ever since then, I receive requests for money from her. Today, I received a two-page letter, too long to rewrite, so I give you my shortened version:

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Dear Deny,

 

Blah blah blah bullcrap...

 

The Lord spoke to me and told me to tell you what to do. In order to get everything God promised, you need to keep going! And the two things you need in order to keep going are FAITH and PATIENCE.

 

Blah blah blah bullcrap... Hebrews 6:11-12

 

Through your prayers and support, you have been such a blessing. Dave and I believe you trust this ministry, and we don't take that trust (cash?) for granted--we cherish it! Through your generosity, you demonstrate your heart to obey God and to love people.

 

Enclosed you will find a reply form. Be sure to request my special Never Give Up! collection of resources this month as you give.

 

Let's hold on to faith and patience,

 

Joyce

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

 

Dear Joyce, I ran out of faith and patience. And if the Lord loved you and spoke to you, he would tell you not to waste time sending me those letters because I will never send you any money.

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PLEASE EXCUSE THE ANNOYING COMMERCIAL BREAKS IN THE CONVERSATION:

As with everything these days, the cost of keeping the Ex-C forum up and running has been rising. Inflation? In part, but the primary reason is this: As participation in the forums grows, costs increase. The Ex-C forums will remain free of charge to everyone, but if you believe this little corner of the Internet provides value to you or others, and you feel inclined to help keep us online, please consider making a one-time donation or becoming a regular contributor. Contribution options appear under the "Upgrade" link above, and can be accessed by clicking here.

Oh, and as an incentive (no, you won't be given any bogus promises of eternal bliss), if you do become a regular contributor by signing up for any monthly or yearly patron package, this annoying ADVO will disappear.

And now, back to the regularly scheduled conversation...



Reminds me of when Ralphie sent off for the Little Orphan Annie Official Decoder Ring.

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[EDIT: Prai$e Je$u$ ~ $end Ca$h letter]

OMG! That is soooo bad! I can't believe they send that crap out. In fact, it's both comedic and an outrage.

 

I hope you sent that response.

 

Or how's this for a response:

 

Dear Joyce

I hope you are enjoying your very nice expensive mansion. You do Jesus proud and give us all something to strive towards.

Please find enclosed my cheque for $20. It is all I have left to give and even so, have stolen it from my daughter's savings for new ballet shoes. I know the Lord has better use for it, in your lovely home, rather than something as frivolous as ballet classes for a silly 6 year old. I'll have her pray on ballet nights instead.

Thank you for your inspiration in our lives. One day we hope to be rich like you, when the Lord sees fit to bless us. Until then, we'll keep trying!

PS My address may be changing to the homeless shelter. PTL! He works in mysterious ways!

 

[EDIT: typos!]

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Dear Joyce,

 

Oh dear, doesn't it suck when you don't have the money to buy a nice new piece of property? I understand totally. And oh, how desperately you need that new Mercedes Benz "for the Ministry".

 

Hate to say it though, I am flat outta cash at the moment- you know, what with trying to keep my one and only roof over my head in these tough economic times.

 

Best of luck getting some other gullible sucker to contribute though!

 

Deny

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lol Positivist I just finished my response when you posted yours!

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Reminds me of when Ralphie sent off for the Little Orphan Annie Official Decoder Ring.

 

"Be sure to drink your Olveltine? A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!"

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Dear Joyce,

 

Tell the Lord that if he wants to tell me something, TELL IT TO ME DIRECTLY!!!

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Reminds me of when Ralphie sent off for the Little Orphan Annie Official Decoder Ring.

"Be sure to drink your Olveltine? A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!"

 

I had never seen this. Just did on

. Didn't know what the hell you two were talking about. I see now. Yeah the letter was like that. Thanks guys!

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Dear Joyce,

What the hell's wrong with your face?

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Dear Joyce,

What the hell's wrong with your face?

 

She accidentally hit herself with her bible :P

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Reminds me of when Ralphie sent off for the Little Orphan Annie Official Decoder Ring.

"Be sure to drink your Olveltine? A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!"

 

I had never seen this. Just did on

. Didn't know what the hell you two were talking about. I see now. Yeah the letter was like that. Thanks guys!

 

 

TBS Christmas day. 24hrs of A Christmas Story if you ever feel the need to see the whole thing.

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Oh, Joy! Here's another one! Two letters in one week, what's going on? Wow, can't wait to see what's inside! Maybe she read Matthew 19:21 and realized that in order to be perfect and follow Jesus, she has to sell all her possessions and give the money to the poor! I'm poor. There must be a check inside...

 

This letter is 4 pages long!

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Dear Treasured Friend,

 

What I have to share with you today is... [6 paragraphs]

 

What makes you the kind of person who glorifies God is living a life marked by integrity and excellence. [+3 paragraphs]

 

You can read your Bible all day long, but until you actually start doing what it says, it won't make any difference in your life.

 

God has given you "all things" plus a life of excellence and integrity.

 

What is excellence? It simply means to go the extra mile, to exceed the requirements. It's always so refreshing to be around someone who's excellent -- they're constantly surprising you through over-delivering.

 

You might be thinking, Joyce, I don't know if I've got what it takes to live that way. I understand if that's what you're thinking, but you must remember it's not about what you can do on you own -- it's about a willing heart that's trusting in the goodness and promise of God. What is the promise? The promise is, God will never ask you to do something He hasn't already given you the ability to do.

 

Excellence and integrity always start small when no one else is watching. If you're waiting for something big to happen in your life, then start right now by giving your best in all the little things. If you do the best with what you have, you can be confident God will give you more. That's a promise you can stand on in His Word.

 

Dave and I experienced the incredible blah blah blah. Finding the Power blah blah. You can find this power. God is making it available to you today. Blah blah blah as a special way of saying thank you for your donation of any amount.

 

In addition, for a special donation of $195 or more, we'll send you the Empowered Living Superpack, Synergy, Five Choices That Changed Me Forever, plus my daily confession cards.

 

Dave and I are so grateful for you and believe a renewed commitment to live with excellence and integrity will bring great and rewarding promise to your life.

 

Your faithfulness and generosity glorify God...

 

As a teacher and as a sister in Christ, I urge you today to do the best with what God's given you, and I promise God will help you accomplish all that you can't do in your own strength.

 

When you live this way, you show the world a higher level of living and there's no limit to what God can do in AND through your life!

 

Doing all things in the power of Christ,

 

Dave and Joyce Meyer

 

- - - - - - - - - -

 

Tabarnak! où est mon chèque?

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Ugh. In November of last year I finally bought into that bullshit. Thankfully my eyes were opened late-Jan...early Feb...to all of this crap. So sad.

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared. I'm worried I may have offended someone with my post or broken a rule, so I'm removing it. Maybe I should move it to the sex forum. ;)

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Dear Joyce,

What the hell's wrong with your face?

She accidentally hit herself with her bible tongue.png

 

I've seen that smile before...

 

Joyce.jpg Joyce

 

Oh here it is:

 

Joker.jpg Joker

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The promise is, God will never ask you to do something He hasn't already given you the ability to do.

 

Then what do I need him for...?

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Joyce Meyer makes me want to kill myself. She is everything that is wrong with Christianity.

 

I wish she would wipe that smarmy smile off her face!

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Dear Joyce,

What the hell's wrong with your face?

She accidentally hit herself with her bible tongue.png

 

I've seen that smile before...

 

Joyce.jpg Joyce

 

Oh here it is:

 

Joker.jpg Joker

 

OH SHIT!!!

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared. I'm worried I may have offended someone with my post or broken a rule, so I'm removing it. Maybe I should move it to the sex forum. wink.png

 

So sad. I liked that post.

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared. I'm worried I may have offended someone with my post or broken a rule, so I'm removing it. Maybe I should move it to the sex forum. wink.png

 

2Honest, I think there is something wrong with the system, because all my "likes" on all my posts have disappeared. If you notice, your reputation points are not affected and if you click the 0 (zero) next to your post, you will see that you now have 4 "likes". Now put your post back smile.png

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared. I'm worried I may have offended someone with my post or broken a rule, so I'm removing it. Maybe I should move it to the sex forum. wink.png

 

Hey 2H,

 

I lost the ability to see reputation points days ago. No-one's posts have any points, even when I add one, the next time I come back to the thread, any points I've given are gone. I can't see my own points, either. It's very sad, living in a points-less world.

 

It's a forum issue :)

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared. I'm worried I may have offended someone with my post or broken a rule, so I'm removing it. Maybe I should move it to the sex forum. wink.png

 

2Honest, I think there is something wrong with the system, because all my "likes" on all my posts have disappeared. If you notice, your reputation points are not affected and if you click the 0 (zero) next to your post, you will see that you now have 4 "likes". Now put your post back smile.png

Oh ok, cool! I'm glad I didn't offend anyone. I was kinda shocked if that was the case - didn't think the people around here were such prudes. wink.png Here's my original post....

 

Actually, I was surprised when I first read it, didn't think you had this kind of language in you. But that's what makes it even more funny! I give you one more point for reposting it.

 

So... in your story, I'm the guy with the big dick, right? (say yes and I give you an extra point)

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I once bought a book from Joyce Meyer Ministries and ever since then, I receive requests for money from her. Today, I received a two-page letter, too long to rewrite, so I give you my shortened version:

 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

 

Dear Deny,

 

Blah blah blah bullcrap...

 

The Lord spoke to me and told me to tell you what to do.

 

Let me guess. It was not a hand written note. It was typed out my a machine. Looks like somebody over and JM ministries doesn't have a problem with bearing false witness. It's only one of the Ten Commandments. Then again a lot of the con artists are unbelievers. They don't drink the kool aid. That stuff is for the marks.

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Hmm, I had 3 "likes" and they have disappeared.

You're not alone. I have a theory, but it's probably just coincidence after all...

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