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Goodbye Jesus

A Hard Road Home


TrueFreedom

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I’ve shared some of this in the past in different formats on this site and at least one other one, but I thought that this was a good time to introduce myself somewhat anonymously and share a more complete story. I’ve been appreciating what people here have shared, and I hope that you are encouraged by what I have to share as well.

I grew up in the Christian Church, a pro-instruments branch of the Church of Christ, the same movement that John Loftus came from. Throughout my childhood, I attended church events every Sunday morning, Sunday lunch, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. I memorized verses, sang solos in musicals, attended summer camps, served in various capacities, and believed every bit of the core doctrines that I was taught.

Though I had asked Jesus into my heart a few times in my younger years, fearing that I would go to hell if I didn’t, not until the age of 15 did I go forward at an alter call and get baptized, participating in the “born again” experience. I recall a few times that a Sunday school teacher or my father would take me aside and talk to me about baptism. I just never felt ready for that step. I just didn’t feel that I was cut out to be a slave to righteousness, though my behavior was always as pious as anybody else that I knew. Finally, at 15, a fire and brimstone evangelist convinced me to accept the call, lest my heart become hardened and my soul end up suffering in hell for all eternity.

From that point on, I tried to be righteous. I felt tremendous guilt when I gave in to temptation. My senior year of High School I decided to attend Bible College in order to build a firm foundation for my life. During those years I actually found that the Bible was not as solid as I had believed that it was.

Academic Bible study planted seeds of doubt, as I began to see the problems with messianic prophecies and the differences in gospel accounts and interpretations. I no longer saw the canon of scripture as God’s word or as infallible. At the conclusion of my studies, after an internship in youth and children’s ministry, I decided to wait on graduate studies and vocational ministry and get a full-time secular job. I am thankful that I did not invest too many years in a church career.

Though I no longer believed the Bible to be perfect, I still believed that it was historical. I believed in Adam and Eve and original sin. I believed in heaven and hell. I was always extremely disturbed by the idea of eternal suffering, especially in light of God’s foreknowledge that so many would suffer there forever. But I believed that God would do the right thing. Perhaps we had hell all wrong.

I spent many more years seeking God’s truth. I believed that he gave me my career in computers. He opened doors of opportunity that I would not have had access to with my background if not for His providence. I followed, I searched, I prayed, I fasted, I established community groups, I taught, I led worship. I married a bible-believing wife and taught our three children to believe. I remained active in the church until I had studied my way out of belief entirely, continuing to tithe and attend church for at least a year after losing my faith, for the sake of my wife’s sanity.

What finally lead me away from belief was reading atheist testimonials on the internet. I spent many evenings reading articles from infidels.org before moving on to books by John Loftus, Richard Carrier, Christopher Hitchens, and Richard Dawkins. I felt guilty about it, and didn’t want to talk about it with my wife for fear of leading her astray. I began fearing that I was losing my faith. I kept my studies pretty much to myself for about a year. After about a year of intense study, I began bringing questions to my wife and those close to me. I would talk about what I had learned about evolution, problems that I had found with the Bible and popular beliefs about Satan and hell, and other things that were somewhat controversial in my circles but not outright blasphemous. At one point someone asked me if I loved God. This was unexpected. I couldn't think of a good way to respond, so I revealed that I no longer believed in the God of the Bible. This was a huge turning point for me.

Over the course of about a year, I spoke with a couple of people privately about my loss of faith. They were not as understanding as I had hoped that they would be. I worried about the problems that it might cause for my family if I became an atheist. I tried to talk to my wife about a few things, but it frightened her. Those types of thoughts were just off limits!

I continued to lead worship for a regular gathering, participate with and tithe to a church, and tried to not be too much of an asshole about the conclusions that I was beginning to reach.

One evening, as I was spending time in private study, it finally sunk in: “Oh my God! It’s all a lie! I’ve been living in a cult fantasy world! What am I going to do now?” It was freeing but also very troubling. It was a bit of a relief. It felt a lot like “growing up” and also a lot like being “born again.” But what do I tell my Christian wife? What do I tell my Bible-believing friends and family? What do I tell my partners in ministry and the people who have been looking to me for Christian leadership? I can't just keep pretending!

Occasionally I tried to bring up some of the things that I had been learning with my wife, but she didn’t want to consider the possibility that Christian teachings about God were fundamentally flawed. It took her calling me out on not being serious during prayers before dinner for me to finally break the bad news to her.

Initially she was devastated, but she eventually came around. It was difficult for a while, but my marriage survived.

Watching a documentary on the Galapagos islands and Darwin’s voyage on the Beagle helped my wife to understand evolution. Listening to the Jesus, Interrupted audio book by Bart Erhman helped her to look at the teachings of scripture objectively. 

Being honest about my new beliefs with others has been a challenge, however. My life used to be an open book. I’ve had to learn to be more private and subtle. I wish that I was better at dodging questions and changing the subject. Every once in a while someone will confront me with direct questions about my beliefs, and it never goes well. I don’t want to lie, but sometimes I wonder if I should just pretend in order to avoid judgment, worry, and loss of friends, business and privileges.

It’s very difficult for my wife as well. We are hoping to find some friends who we can relate to without spoiling the friendships and contacts that we have now.

We travel a hard road.

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I love stories with some happiness in the ending! I'm so glad that your wife was open enough to even examine material you showed her! Many atheists/agnostics are all alone in their non-belief. It must be wonderful to have a like-minded person that you love so you can support each other.

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Friends come and go. Really good friends will still be your friends no matter what. At least you and your wife agree on this, which hopefully makes everything else more tolerable.

 

Family will be trickier to deal with, depending on how into fundamentalism they are. For example, I don't know how we'll deal with my wife's family in the future. I would have no problem being pretty up-front about things when asked, but I'm sure my wife thinks much differently.

 

Welcome to Ex-C!

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ConureDelSol: Yes, my wife is wonderful, and it was a huge relief when she eventually came around!

 

 

Thought2Much: Our families are fundamentalist. An my wife's entire life and income is dependent on relationships

 

with fundamentalist friends. If I open up to the wrong person, it could have a huge negative impact on her life. It would mess up activities that our kids are involved in as well.

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From all I've heard the Bible belt must be an awful place if you're an atheist! Here in the midwest (or at least in my area) it doesn't seem to be a big deal if you're an atheist. I've heard people openly say they're atheist, don't believe in any Gods, religion or the bible, etc. and no one seems too shook up about it (although I'd think it would be different for a loved one). I've had discussions with friends who are Christians at work who remain friends even after learning I reject their religion and their God. Seems the younger ones (in their 20's) are far more free thinking than previous generations, as there are quit a few I know who reject religion and God.

It's GREAT your wife has joined the ranks of reason...!! That hard road will not be quite so bad with your mate at your side supporting you. Sadly, some are't as fortunate. It's a pity what this religion does to people.

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Welcome TF! I'm glad to hear your story has a happy ending. Deconversion certainly has its social complications. I have found friends at work and my neighbourhood association. Hope to hear more from you!

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Hi TrueFreedom,

 

My wife (2Honest) and I can relate to many parts of your story, including changing our beliefs on hell to keep our faith (for awhile). We are in the Fort Worth area...maybe we can meet sometime :D

 

Jason

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Thanks for the warm welcome! You do find a lot of hard-core fundies in the Bible Belt. Jason, we may have to meetup someday.

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Thanks for sharing TrueFreedom. So good to hear that your wife has "seen the light". ;) It's got to be rough with a family of fundamentalists, & then the whole web of ones income tied into ones belief system.

I do believe that the system does tie people together in a sticky web so that it makes it harder for one to separate themselves from it.

 

I think it's tricky, what to share, what not to share....some friends who I consider close don't realize that I am no longer a xian. A few in my immediate liberal catholic family know, but it's not too big a deal. (though my more conservative catholic sister is saddened, but probably thinks somehow I can get prayed out of hell or do a stint in pergatory for my sins of unbelief :D) ah well...at least she hasn't shunned me like the church members of the fundy / calvinist cult shunned me after I left their church. :D

 

Hopefully you will find others who are not close minded, sounds like you have already with some of the young folks you have met. It is all a journey. You aren't alone.

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Welcome, thanks for sharing your story.

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Thanks! We really don't have any non-Christian friends to get together with. Our parents and siblings know that we haven't attended church in a while and have voiced concern. We're afraid that we may face a lot of drama and loss of friendships, status and business in the future. Here's to new beginnings!

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beer.gif
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Welcome! I'm so glad your story had a happy ending with regard to your wife. It can be really hard for a couple to get past that coming-out confession. I for one look forward to seeing you around.

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Thanks!

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  • 1 month later...
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The formatting really got messed up on this thread. Could it be a sign from God? zDuivel7.gif

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It looks like adding that last reply fixed the formatting...

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That clearly is a sign from the mods.

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From all I've heard the Bible belt must be an awful place if you're an atheist!

 

IT ISSSSSSSSSS

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  • 4 weeks later...
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I fixed some things after earning my edit privileges--hope it all makes sense now.

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We are hoping to find some friends who we can relate to without spoiling the friendships and contacts that we have now.

 

Ok True, I added you as a friend, but you better behave cool.png

 

You seem like a well-grounded, down to earth guy. I admire that. If you can move away from the Christian scene without causing a scene, that would be nice. I'm glad your wife is on your side.

 

Thanks for sharing your extimony, I appreciate it. Keep us posted ok?

 

High five: Tsh!

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We are hoping to find some friends who we can relate to without spoiling the friendships and contacts that we have now.

 

Ok True, I added you as a friend, but you better behave cool.png

 

You seem like a well-grounded, down to earth guy. I admire that. If you can move away from the Christian scene without causing a scene, that would be nice. I'm glad your wife is on your side.

 

Thanks for sharing your extimony, I appreciate it. Keep us posted ok?

 

High five: Tsh!

 

Tsh!

 

Thanks, Deny! I'll try to be good...

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Yeah I think really studying the bible is the worst thing for Christianity.

 

I thought about giving away a few copies of that Ehrman audio book.....but going down this path isn't something that most people want to take, do they want to take the pill and face reality or just remain oblivious, I think for most people its the latter and I respect that.

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Yeah I think really studying the bible is the worst thing for Christianity.

 

This is probably why the Catholic Church told us not to read it, and today they have the most members. Smart.

 

I thought about giving away a few copies of that Ehrman audio book.....but going down this path isn't something that most people want to take,do they want to take the pill and face reality or just remain oblivious, I think for most people its the latter and I respect that.

 

Oblivion is great. It received universal acclaim from critics :)

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  • 2 months later...

.

 

One evening, as I was spending time in private study, it finally sunk in: “Oh my God! It’s all a lie! I’ve been living in a cult fantasy world! What am I going to do now?” It was freeing but also very troubling. It was a bit of a relief. It felt a lot like “growing up” and also a lot like being “born again.” But what do I tell my Christian wife? What do I tell my Bible-believing friends and family? What do I tell my partners in ministry and the people who have been looking to me for Christian leadership? I can't just keep pretending!

 

 

I had that exact experience. You are so correct that it felt like the "born again" moment. I thought all the same things you mentioned.

 

It was an exact moment in time that I will never never forget where I went, "Holy crap! It is all a lie! Everything my live was based on is a lie!" For me it was at the point when I was reading about all the ancient god-myths, Mithra, Horas, etc. I had already gone past the questions of evolution, scriptural literacy and the rest. But I thought, well at least if Jesus actually existed I have something left. For me that was the final piece of the puzzle and there was no going back.

 

But I was very surprised by this exact moment in time and feeling in my gut. After all the study, reflecting, staring off into the distance thinking about life and reasoning, there was this moment! BAM! Almost like a switch flipped and it all fell in a matter of seconds. From that point on everything was different and everything started to make sense. I had to figure a new way to proceed after 56 years of life in the Christian culture. It has been an exciting, refreshing, clarifying journey. Even the rough moments with wife, family and friends have not swayed me.

 

Anyone else have that exact moment experience?

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This is probably why the Catholic Church told us not to read it, and today they have the most members. Smart.

 

 

OMG that made my day! So true Denyz! :D

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