Dissatisfaction-In Progress

Sitting in the hotel, overlooking the city, I found myself yearning for a new life. This feeling comes to me often only because mostly because as I see, I am inflicted with a problem of a lack of pleasure in what one might call normal affairs. I find the people I meet overall, qualify only as boring. That is what started this journey for me. It is what led me to this hotel, in France. I long for the day of when I can feel satisfied with what I am doing, and maybe I can have a reason to live. I am an atheist only in that, I see no reason to believe in the supernatural or some higher power. The reason I mention that is only as to say, that I cannot believe in that sort of thing. I feel spied on as I am writing this, people are overlooking me. Eh, why do I have to be so conscious I am down in the lobby watching the news. I don't know what I am waiting for, who or what. I am on a search to kill this feeling inside me. I don't know my purpose. I have a little money and see myself as only starting here. I may end up staying on the street on occasion. I plan also to try a new thing, I have only discovered recently. It is called “coachsurfing.” I recently saw that documentary online, through one of my favorite news channels. I watch the news a lot mostly because for some reason it helps me feel in the world in my small world. I would like to learn more and do more. Hopefully this can happen.

I decide to go to use my computer, which I only needed for the couch surfing needs I know have. My only possessions for this trip that I may not come back from are my guitar and my clothes and a garbage bag of books and a two toothbrushes. What I mean by that, I am not sure yet. I have been numb for about a year now, and any reprieve is welcomed. Even if I ever feel good, the reality of being desperate and sad seemed not far behind like a prisoner out in the yard and in the sun. Life seems like the prison cell. I can't even get the career I want, because it seems everything I am interested in are fields that seem now designed to put you on the food stamp program. Journalism, nope, people don't buy newspapers anymore and you seem to have to be from the generation that did buy newspapers to write for any sort of media. History, no one cares about that, they prefer to be interested in cutting the pay of anyone with that career, and the self respect that used to come with that profession. Instead of becoming a respected academic giving lectures and enlightening students about how the past informs the existence of today, you are stuffed in a broomcloset for a office and a wage you could get by being a bus driver, with way less effort. Anthropology, to atheistic, and too expensive, to not in need, unless you want to work for the local KGB office otherwise known as your friendly neighborhood police department. Archeology, not in need, and not varied enough to take the economic collapse that I keep expecting. The economic collapse could potentially only come from those people who keep expecting a economic collapse. See my options, not very pleasing. I managed to last 4 days in a shipyard before they said “Quit or be Fired.” Before that a restaurant, that while I enjoyed, was under a person who seemed to have the personality that is perfect for succeed in the hell otherwise known as Corporate America. Or maybe the next bloody dictatorship supported by the United States or religion. That personality is one that doesn't thrive unless anyone else who is creative or independent or free, suffers mentally and spiritually.

---------------------------

this is all fiction btw, with some real life details put in for spice

Edited by Valk0010, 21 June 2012 - 11:02 PM.