45 replies to this topic

[Ro-bear]

My daughter had her first driving lesson yesterday. It wasn't from me.

My daughter is sixteen. She shows little interest in driving, which is O.K. with me. But of course she has to learn sometime. I pestered her for months to get her learner's permit. I was looking forward to teaching her to drive. My wife knows this. We had even discussed that of the two of us I would be the better teacher, being calmer and more patient than my wife, who is wound a bit tight by nature. Finally, a couple of weeks ago she got the permit. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of days later. After we got back we started preparing for our big 7/4 party. No-one has mentioned driving lessons except once while we were at the beach I said I'd like to take her to the big parking lot across the street from our home and let her do some driving.

Yesterday I am outside pressure-washing the fish fry oil off the carport, and what the fuck do I see? A family friend giving my daughter her first driving lesson in the big parking lot. I was so mad I had to count to one hundred before I went in the house. I told Sandy "I wanted to give her her first lesson." Sandy says "Well..." like I should have said something or got it done by now. She suggested that the family friend take her for a lesson in my fucking car without giving a thought to my frequently expressed desire to give her her first lesson. I feel like I have been robbed of a dad thing, like my wife is delegating my precious father moments to someone else. This has been eating my insides out for about 24 hours now. I have not brought it up again since her sisters are here and I don't want a scene. I want to be calm when I talk about it, but I'm afraid if she tries to make an excuse or downplay my hurt I'll get mad and make things worse.

Maybe I'll just try to hide my feelings and say "Please, please don't give my dad jobs to anyone else in the future."

Am I being petty? For some reason this is real important to me. I feel like I've been robbed, with no insurance.

[SusanStoHeli]

It's been a couple of weeks - and the parking lot has been across the street this whole time - I suspect she thought you didn't really want to do it that much, if you hadn't in all this time.

You should tell her that this was something important to you, and that she should have asked - but beyond that, I don't think there's anything to say. Likely enough it was one of those situations where they offered, or it just came up. It has been weeks - not like this is right after she got the permit.

There's still plenty of time for you to take her out - make it a nightly routine or some such.

Edited by SusanStoHeli, 06 July 2012 - 01:12 PM.

[blackpudd1n]

No, I can see why you're pissed off. You were looking forward to participating in an important rite of passage with your daughter. And it's a big one, too, because it could well be the last thing you actually teach your daughter before she becomes an adult and responsible for herself. This is like the last big milestone that you will participate in with your daughter before seeing her into adulthood. This was meant to be a father-daughter experience, one that she would remember and talk about later. No wonder you're feeling robbed. This was something special that you were denied without any thought of your feelings on the matter.

[Ro-bear]

It's been a couple of weeks - and the parking lot has been across the street this whole time - I suspect she thought you didn't really want to do it that much, if you hadn't in all this time.

You should tell her that this was something important to you, and that she should have asked - but beyond that, I don't think there's anything to say. Likely enough it was one of those situations where they offered, or it just came up. It has been weeks - not like this is right after she got the permit.

There's still plenty of time for you to take her out - make it a nightly routine or some such.

We went to the beach two days after she got the permit. We got back two days before the big party. There has not been a spare minute. I think it was extremely inconsiderate of my wife to thoughtlessly delegate this task when I had expressed my interest for months. Am I supposed to act like it was nothing or my fault?

[GardenerGal]

Looking at this from the daughter's perspective, is there a chance she and your wife talked and she felt more at ease with the family friend? I know my Dad taught me a great deal about sports and games, and I loved that. He also taught me how to drive, and while it worked out, it's not something I look back on as a big moment for us. I just remember my Mom playing middleman every once in a while, and wasn't sure if maybe your wife was put in that situation, too.

[ConureDelSol]

I can understand why that would piss you off, but the moment you can look forward to now is being there for her first driving lesson on an actual road or even better...a FREEWAY! All that friend is going to teach her is how to turn, accelerate, and stop. Make it clear to your daughter that you want to be the one to be there when she actually takes that car on a road. That's when she'll really need you!

With that in mind, my first driving experience was when I was 14 in the deserted Walmart parking lot on Christmas with my mom. I got most of my driving experience when my dad got a DUI and had his license suspended for months so I had to drive him EVERYWHERE.

[Burnedout]

Ro-bear....

You do have a right and a damned good reason to be pissed. If it were me in your shoes....seeing as how the person you are at odds with is your wife...Give her the cold shoulder. When she asks why...tell her she does not respect or care that you are even around. When she gets defensive...tell her she REALLY hurt you. If she tries to talk about it, tell her you don't want to talk about it. When she pushes it....walk out of the room with a very pissed look on your face.

[florduh]

You're a shitty dad.

[Rank Stranger]

That sucks, RoBear- and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to be pissed. But I think that when you get a chance, you might do well to directly ask her why she did that. On those fairly rare occasions when my wife pisses me off, I often (though not always) find out that she had reasons that I was completely unaware of for doing whatever it was that pissed me off.

[Yrth]

My daughter had her first driving lesson yesterday. It wasn't from me.

My daughter is sixteen. She shows little interest in driving, which is O.K. with me. But of course she has to learn sometime. I pestered her for months to get her learner's permit. I was looking forward to teaching her to drive. My wife knows this. We had even discussed that of the two of us I would be the better teacher, being calmer and more patient than my wife, who is wound a bit tight by nature. Finally, a couple of weeks ago she got the permit. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of days later. After we got back we started preparing for our big 7/4 party. No-one has mentioned driving lessons except once while we were at the beach I said I'd like to take her to the big parking lot across the street from our home and let her do some driving.

Yesterday I am outside pressure-washing the fish fry oil off the carport, and what the fuck do I see? A family friend giving my daughter her first driving lesson in the big parking lot. I was so mad I had to count to one hundred before I went in the house. I told Sandy "I wanted to give her her first lesson." Sandy says "Well..." like I should have said something or got it done by now. She suggested that the family friend take her for a lesson in my fucking car without giving a thought to my frequently expressed desire to give her her first lesson. I feel like I have been robbed of a dad thing, like my wife is delegating my precious father moments to someone else. This has been eating my insides out for about 24 hours now. I have not brought it up again since her sisters are here and I don't want a scene. I want to be calm when I talk about it, but I'm afraid if she tries to make an excuse or downplay my hurt I'll get mad and make things worse.

Maybe I'll just try to hide my feelings and say "Please, please don't give my dad jobs to anyone else in the future."

Am I being petty? For some reason this is real important to me. I feel like I've been robbed, with no insurance.

Revenged.

Tough break, man. /pat

If it's any consolation, I'd rather not remember my own driving lessons from Dad. It was never guaranteed to be a good thing, is all I'm saying.

[Ouroboros]

Am I being petty?

Get used to it. How long have you been married? Not long enough to realize that these kind of things will be more common. As a husband, you're always wrong, except when you're not right. And you just have to learn to take it.

But no, you're not being petty. I'd be pissed too.

[jblueep]

Ro-bear....

You do have a right and a damned good reason to be pissed. If it were me in your shoes....seeing as how the person you are at odds with is your wife...Give her the cold shoulder. When she asks why...tell her she does not respect or care that you are even around. When she gets defensive...tell her she REALLY hurt you. If she tries to talk about it, tell her you don't want to talk about it. When she pushes it....walk out of the room with a very pissed look on your face.

....or, you could skip all the passive-aggressive behavior suggested above and just have a calm sit down explaining how important it was to you so that she can see that you were genuinely hurt and have a chance to apologize. It's a cliche, but one generally does catch more flies with honey, and I think this approach would likely resolve the past incident immediately and prevent similar future incidents. That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth

Oh, you did definitely have a right to be offended!

[Overcame Faith]

It's perfectly understandable that you wanted to teach your daughter to drive. It's not just a father/daughter thing, though it is surely that, it is also an important matter of making sure your precious daughter receives the best instruction possible so she will be a safe driver. Who better to do that than someone who loves her? But others are right, move on from here and be the first to take her on the street, teach her to parallel park, back up in a straight line, etc. You haven't lost your chance with her.

[Margee]

Ro-bear... I validate your upset feelings and I am sorry you are upset. I don't see this often with you.

It is so annoying when people do not really listen to what we say out of our mouths. People really don't listen and it cause's such heartbreak in relationships.

When you sit down with your wife..look at her straight in the face and tell her how important it will be for her to validate how you are feeling. Get her to repeat back to you what you just stated. Then ask her for her 'solution' that this never happen again.

Good luck my friend. I know your family means a lot to you.

[Ro-bear]

Looking at this from the daughter's perspective, is there a chance she and your wife talked and she felt more at ease with the family friend?

A very astute question from your distance, made even more so by the fact that most people wouldn't consider that unless someone else thought of it. But no, there is no chance of that. My daughter is far more at ease with me than with her mother or the family friend. Thanks for making me step back and look, though. I should probably do that a few more times before I bring the matter up. When I am upset about something, the slightest push sends me to stupidville. I'd better wait a bit and think about it.

[Ro-bear]

You're a shitty dad.

That is totally beside the point. I am an excellent driver and an above-average teacher.

[jblueep]

Ro-bear,

I'm teaching my 17 year old girl to drive...let's just say that it's been very interesting, and after about 20+ lessons it will still be awhile before she is ready to go out on her own, and even then I will worry.

On the other hand, my 15 year old son has been driving motorized vehicles since he was about 5, so I'm not sure he will need any instruction and I probably won't worry much at all about him getting on the road.

J

[Ro-bear]

I can understand why that would piss you off, but the moment you can look forward to now is being there for her first driving lesson on an actual road or even better...a FREEWAY! All that friend is going to teach her is how to turn, accelerate, and stop. Make it clear to your daughter that you want to be the one to be there when she actually takes that car on a road. That's when she'll really need you!

I hadn't thought of that. You're right, the road lessons are a bigger deal. That really helps a lot! Thanks, Conure; I feel better about the thing now.