51 replies to this topic

[Gneekly]

This happens every time I move home or spend any amount of time around my parents. I've been struggling with my faith/lack of faith for about ten years or so. I've no desire to read my bible or anything because I know what's in there. I know what it says and it will just break my heart all over again. Perhaps this is something everyone struggles through. Perhaps this is my kickback from a failed relationship with a fellow atheist or the need for community outside of the internet. Maybe I'm figuring out my personal values and those really have nothing to do with any deity at all. I'm scared. I don't want to walk down this road again. I don't want to get sucked back into a lifestyle of shame and regret. I cannot do it. I cannot.
I brought up the verse in the Bible about rape and marrying one's rapist. My mom refused to believe me about it. She's read it and probably skimmed over it. I don't believe in the flood, creation, any of that crap. Here's the thing. This happens every time I move home. Part of me would love to find a good Christian guy to settle down with except the only one that I dated turned out to be an abusive monster. I still have trigger moments when I hear certain music (thankfully it's oldies and I don't hear it hardly ever), see tall men, or when I go certain places. I've prayed to various deties including God but I don't feel anything or any answer. It's like I know it's in my head. I don't want to go through another cycle and make more bad decisions about my life.
So how am I getting sucked back in? Well, for one, I've tried listening to Christian music again...and I have to say it's terrible. I just can't sing those songs without thinking about sex with Jesus (EWWWWWW). I've come to the conclusion that I cannot change the past so dwelling on it and torturing myself does no good. I tried Paganism and what not but it just doesn't work for me personally (kudo's to those that it works for). I'm scared. What if I'm wrong? Keep in mind all of this is tied to circumstances in my life. One has to do with relationships, I would love to find a good, intelligent man to settle down with after a while but my values are somewhat traditional...in the sense that I don't want to move in with someone (didn't work out last time), I really hate porn right now, open relationships are a no-no, and because I contracted HPV, I really don't want to be sexually intimate with someone outside of marriage. Those things don't make me a Christian do they? I don't think so since it would require some belief on my part. I am so fucking confused right now. I don't want to fight anymore...I just want some peace, dammit.

[mcdaddy]

It's made up. You know this right? Like, seriously, none of it is REAL.

[SusanStoHeli]

Those things sure don't make you a Christian. Personally, I'm not into open relationships, I didn't move in with hubby nor have sex (with him...) until the day before our marriage, I can't say I care about porn either way, I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, nor swear. And it's not because of some mythical god, it's because I've decided those things don't work for me.

There are indeed good intelligent men out there who may or may not be Christian - IMO, more often than not, lukewarm Christians at best (some Christian men who are real bible beaters do so because the Bible says they're head of the household and can tell you what to do).

I married a Christian man - but he knew I was not from day 1, and he was OK with it.... honestly, not great with it, but with time and talking, it worked out.


Think of it this way though - pretending to believe in a lie won't make a real belief. And the "what if I'm wrong" argument applies to Islam, Mormonism, Scientology, Hinduism, and the urgent need to sacrifice a dove and two goats to Odin.

Edited by SusanStoHeli, 11 July 2012 - 11:40 PM.

[stryper]

If you don't want to fight, than choose not to.

Choosing to accept that the past happened and you cannot change that is a step toward healing. It seems to me that you need structure. Perhaps something that may help you is to establish routines or patterns in your life that give you a structure of safety. I don't know your full story. I am only commenting on what I see here.

You know that god won't take care of you. So, I think you should take care of you. It could be something as simple as when cleaning your body, just stating that you are safe. maybe adding something like positive affirmations. I love myself. I am cleaning myself because I love myself. Even as I type this it sounds cheesy. However, you seems to have been indoctrinated pretty hard to Christianity. With other people telling you horrible things. Perhaps you need to hear loving things coming from you.

This can then lead to the nurturing of the self to help to heal those wounds.

Ultimately, if you wish to heal, then you must choose to heal. People around you and on this site can help. We cannot do the work for you.

Always remember it is your life. So it is up to you to choose how to live it.

[JoeCoastie]

It's made up. You know this right? Like, seriously, none of it is REAL.

But the guilt and fear left behind are all too real.

It really doesn't sound like you're being pulled back into Christianity. You can't believe in that stuff no matter how hard you try. I myself wished to believed, but just could not. However, you're back in a setting where you're surrounded by Christian influences and it seems to bring the guilt and fear right back at you. Try to get away from it when you can. Affirm your beliefs and why Christianity is bollocks.

[Gneekly]

Thanks ya'll. Damn straight, I have to do the work myself. Just isn't easy. It is the environment for sure.

[Carolorado]

Please don't take this wrong, but can you get some good, non religious counseling? It was very hard and confusing to break away from the religion your parents taught you. Understand this was all they knew, but it was a type of brainwashing.

I had horrible withdrawal and struggled to accept my own truth. Counseling helped me a lot. I highly recommend you at least try counseling to sort out just what you do believe. Hang in there, it does get easier once you can clearly see what you already know.

[sarahlee]

Perhaps this is my kickback from a failed relationship with a fellow atheist or the need for community outside of the internet. Maybe I'm figuring out my personal values and those really have nothing to do with any deity at all. I'm scared. I don't want to walk down this road again. I don't want to get sucked back into a lifestyle of shame and regret. I cannot do it. I cannot.


I brought up the verse in the Bible about rape and marrying one's rapist. My mom refused to believe me about it. She's read it and probably skimmed over it. I don't believe in the flood, creation, any of that crap. Here's the thing. This happens every time I move home. Part of me would love to find a good Christian guy to settle down with except the only one that I dated turned out to be an abusive monster. I still have trigger moments when I hear certain music (thankfully it's oldies and I don't hear it hardly ever), see tall men, or when I go certain places. I've prayed to various deties including God but I don't feel anything or any answer. It's like I know it's in my head. I don't want to go through another cycle and make more bad decisions about my life.


So how am I getting sucked back in? Well, for one, I've tried listening to Christian music again...and I have to say it's terrible. I just can't sing those songs without thinking about sex with Jesus (EWWWWWW). I've come to the conclusion that I cannot change the past so dwelling on it and torturing myself does no good. I tried Paganism and what not but it just doesn't work for me personally (kudo's to those that it works for). I'm scared. What if I'm wrong? Keep in mind all of this is tied to circumstances in my life. One has to do with relationships, I would love to find a good, intelligent man to settle down with after a while but my values are somewhat traditional...in the sense that I don't want to move in with someone (didn't work out last time), I really hate porn right now, open relationships are a no-no, and because I contracted HPV, I really don't want to be sexually intimate with someone outside of marriage. Those things don't make me a Christian do they? I don't think so since it would require some belief on my part. I am so fucking confused right now. I don't want to fight anymore...I just want some peace, dammit.

It seems to me that you are forming your own opinion apart from religion. Your reasons for keeping yourself from doing certain things are intelligent and mirror YOUR beliefs and YOUR wants, rather than reflecting a fear of eternal damnation or some nonsense. You should be proud of yourself for formulating some personal guidelines for yourself and holding yourself accountable to them. I think that community is definitly something you need, so I would suggest trying to build one in your life that you can rely on. And, of course, the people online will still be here!

Oh, and I weill probably never listen to Christian music the same way. LOL

[Wings]

Hiya Zephie, are you my long-lost identical twin? I feel like you wrote my life there (literally, absolutely every single detail) and I can totally relate to your feelings (from the music to wanting the good guy to wondering if I made the right choice).... I think it's really normal to have those thoughts. The other day I was commuting and had to scan radio stations... I hummed along with a familiar song and before I knew it, I listened to Christian radio for an hour! (yah, I kinda feel sick over it, lol). But the thing was, it was weirdly comforting! But I don't miss the Xtianity and I don't think I can believe again.
There are good men out there and when you figure yourself out a little bit more, you'll meet him. Afterall, you want to meet the right person and you can only meet him when you are the whole you. And maybe it would be good to look into opportunities to meet people outside of the internet and church... it's tough, but maybe there are groups in your town/local city?
At the end of the day, you have already sacrificed so much of yourself. Stop and take deep breaths and every time you feel overwhelmed, slowly think your way through things... the reasons you don't believe or why your life is better now etc. It's certainly not easy (being a minority never is), but your experience overall already shows how strong you are and how much progress you've made! Looks to me like the only being you need to have faith in is yourself!
Good luck!! hugs!

(ps. okay, not everything... I wasn't thinking about sex with jesus, but now I always will! Lol)

Edited by Wings, 12 July 2012 - 01:14 AM.

[FeelHappy]

I keep silent often around christians, really the path away from god is one everyone has to take on their own and at their own time.

The bible's not accurate, it contradicts itself, it has every sign that it was completely man made.

The universe is massive, our galaxy alone is so enormous that our minds can't reasonably comprehend it, our earth is nothing but a speck in the cosmos, we're like bacteria on a grain of sand in all of the earth thinking that this was created for us, that there is a god and he loves us, but if we're so special why then is there an almost infinite number of mass not related to us. None of it makes sense when you think about it.

If you look at everything we actually have tested and known it all points away from god not towards him.

Anyways, do what you want, I hope there are plenty of atheist people who meet the requirements you hope for (or exceed them), community is nice, I'll agree, find a progressive church if that's what your into (one which doesn't worry about BS like gay marriage or hell), there are some good things about Jesus when you remove all of the religion and other BS. Find another alternative type of gathering, work in a soup kitchen, there are options out there and they don't require believing that you're the center of the universe and god bothered with coming to earth.

[Xerces]

Nothing makes you a christian except belief in the religion. So if you don't like porn, that's entirely up to you.

[Overcame Faith]

This happens every time I move home or spend any amount of time around my parents.

I think this, your first sentence, may be the key to why you feel the way you do. Try coming to understand what it is about moving home that makes you feel the way you expressed. Perhaps if you come to understand the trigger mechanism (something about moving home or spending time around your parents), it will help you to see it for what it is and overcome the issue(s).

[blackpudd1n]

Hey Zephie,

Science is often cited as an innoculation against christianity. But I have found that as an ex-christian female, I needed a good dose of feminism even more.

Why do I say this? Because so often when I read your posts, I have noticed that you seem to have an issue with assertiveness. I get this feeling that you have an issue saying, "this is who I am" and being unapologetic about it. Of saying, "I don't like that" and, again, being unapologetic for it. Time and again, it strikes me that other people have set your boundaries for you, instead of you, yourself. And I don't think you like the boundaries that other people are setting for you.

I know how terrifying it is, learning how to be assertive. You know, christian chicks are taught that anything that isn't submission is wrong and dirty and will make them a bad person. Man, did I ever struggle with this shit myself. I still do at times. In christianity, I was taught that feminism was a dirty word. I was not taught how to create safe boundaries, as boundary-setting does not fall in line with being a submissive female. And an assertive chick was a bitch, plain and simple. Nice christian girls were not assertive.

The thing is, though, it's clearly not working out for you. And how could it? If you don't feel in control of yourself, if you feel like external forces are paving the path in life for you rather than you, yourself, you're not going to be happy. You know who you are. Stop apologising just for being you. There's nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to agree with anyone or anything. Hell, you can tell me to go jump for writing this. It won't be the end of the world if you do.

Finding the courage to be yourself is hard, but very worth it. I gave up on pleasing people a while ago, because it only ever served to make me miserable.

[florduh]

Pudd makes a good observation and has some good advice. Becoming assertive is important for women in particular when they escape the cult. Of course, you don't have to take it to extremes like Pudd!

[Kaiser01]

Everyone here simply wants to know the truth, a God who hides that from us is not a God to be considered real especially when he wants people to believe in him.

[blackpudd1n]

Of course, you don't have to take it to extremes like Pudd!

HA!

You know, though, I found it quite fascinating the way others respected me more when I became assertive- men and women alike. Contrary to what I was taught in christianity, true assertiveness is not about being pushy or obnoxious but rather tends to be more about standing your ground and not being pushed around by others. Unless I am given a reason to rethink my stance, my heels remain firmly planted where they are.

[TexasOtaku]

There are many reasons for me to not go back, and I remembered these well every time I considered going back to Christianity:

1.) Obsessive blasphemous thoughts. These disappeared almost immediately after I left Christianity. I was tortured by my mind every day and having to go back to Christianity would mean to subject myself to that kind of torture again. I want no part of it.
2.) The community of awkwardness. People holding themselves back from swearing, movies with nudity in them, etc. because it's shameful to be human, etc. They have chosen to put these weights on themselves because of some imaginary standard and it inhibits them, creating awkward situations and interactions. (Edit: The forced greetings, singing etc.)
3.) Having to get up and go to church. This is self-explanatory. I love sleeping in.
4.) The apocalyptic thinking. I kept feeling sad thinking that all of this world was temporary on purpose, just to satisfy some imaginary god's ego. Yeah, life is temporary, but at least I don't have to constantly worry that it could end any day because of the "signs" out there.
5.) Sex is evil! Also self-explanatory. Even though I'm far more sex-positive, I still feel guilty sometimes whenever I look at porn because of a tiny grain of shame that is still there. At least it is rare.

Those are the reasons I could think of off the top of my head as to why I could never go back to Christianity. Number one is the number one reason why I could just never go back. Number five also ranks up there with number one.

Edited by TexasOtaku, 12 July 2012 - 09:19 AM.

[NEWsong]

Hey Zephie: I can relate to the FOG of delusion trying to SUCK YOU BACK into christianity but hon, THAT IS ALL IT IS...a delusion. I think that there was a movie about "believing in something and it possessing us"...christianity or religion as a whole is just like that.

Oh, I did the same thing as you; found a "nice christian guy" expecting a happy, stable and uneventful marriage that ended up with him being a porn addict and the second one, an abuser. NO MORE christian men for me. I have CUT DOWN the number of christians in my life in general and realize WHY they are christians and I AM NOT.

I can relate also to "wanting connection" with others. I lost my mom nearly a year ago; my best friend in the world up to that time. I could talk to her about anything but I didn't talk to her about this; our parents and family don't need to know and we don't need to join them in their delusion; separating faith and family needs to happen. Don't get sucked back in, you know how it would end up.

Hold onto what you KNOW is true; follow your heart not their "delusion"...they are in the dark hon, YOU UNDERSTAND that because you are NO LONGER in it. Sending hugs, love and STRENGTH for you to take good care of yourself and BE yourself.

[ConureDelSol]

Zephie, have you ever tried meditation? Obviously, it helps for some people and doesn't do anything for others, but it couldn't hurt to try. I've found it helps quite a bit with relieving stress and sorting out my thoughts.

Don't worry about some of your more conservative inclinations. I am still stuck on not having sex until marriage as well. The idea of possible STDs (pregnancy included) and my immense embarrassment about being naked in front of any men keeps me like that. Open relationships mean that your partner can go have sex with some chick (or dude) anywhere, and bring something nasty home to you. So I agree with you there as well.

However, I do like porn. Yay porn!