12 replies to this topic

[TotalWreck]

Have any of you helped out someone in any way who you thought was a friend and then not long after they ditched you and now they seem to be doing better in life than you? Like maybe you helped them get back on their feet or move forward in some way and after they got what they wanted out of you, they basically said, "See ya!"?

This has happened to me quite a few times and I'm having a hard time not being bitter about it. There are people who I thought were friends that just used me in one way or another and basically ditched me after I helped them get back on their feet or move forward at work and now some of these fuckers are doing better in life than me! It makes me disgusted that I was nice enough to ever help them out in the first place, but at the time I thought they were friends. I feel so foolish and now it makes me not want to trust or help anyone again.

How do I get over this bitterness? It makes me angry that I've helped people out when they needed help and now I've got no one to help me during my hard times.

[Denyoz]

Hey Total, I think I know the feeling.

I noticed that when I help someone, the person usually comes back and asks for more. And more. And more. To the point where I have to stop helping them and stop being their friend.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them fend for themselves.

I never expect anyone to help me.

Have you actually asked the person to help you?

[Ouroboros]

It has happened to me several times, and to my wife as well. Even happened in some partnership businesses too.

[antix]

There was a guy in grad school who came into my lab one day crying. His wife was a nurse and doing 2 different doctors. (Of course my buddy never made the connection that maybe she wanted to gout sometimes and not just sit around the apartment with the kids all the time, which he liked to do). Anyway, they get counseling and things (appear to) get better. A yr later I am living in minneapolis and I call my friend and let him know I will be back at kent state for a long weekend. He said good, the wife is going to columbus for a nursing convention (these seemed to happen a lot). Another yr later, I am moving to cleveland and I call him and he is devastated, he caught her in bed with someone and it was divorce time. I was there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on or a few beers because he was broke at the time. Anyway, this was 94/95. In 03 I am looking for a job and he could of easily helped me but did nothing with the resume I e-mailed him and about a yr later, just started ignoring me since his life was perfect at this time. But Ilearned my lesson, I knmow 2 people like that.

[TotalWreck]

There was a guy in grad school who came into my lab one day crying. His wife was a nurse and doing 2 different doctors. (Of course my buddy never made the connection that maybe she wanted to gout sometimes and not just sit around the apartment with the kids all the time, which he liked to do). Anyway, they get counseling and things (appear to) get better. A yr later I am living in minneapolis and I call my friend and let him know I will be back at kent state for a long weekend. He said good, the wife is going to columbus for a nursing convention (these seemed to happen a lot). Another yr later, I am moving to cleveland and I call him and he is devastated, he caught her in bed with someone and it was divorce time. I was there for him when he needed a shoulder to cry on or a few beers because he was broke at the time. Anyway, this was 94/95. In 03 I am looking for a job and he could of easily helped me but did nothing with the resume I e-mailed him and about a yr later, just started ignoring me since his life was perfect at this time. But Ilearned my lesson, I knmow 2 people like that.

See, this is EXACTLY the type of shit that I'm talking about! You try to help someone out when they're in need, but then when you're in need or after they've gotten everything they can out of you, it's "See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!" and act as if you don't even exist anymore. That is just SICK. How can humans act like that and be so evil? Do these people have no morals or conscience?

In the past, I've done things from helping "friends" get jobs to helping one "friend" get treatment for his substance abuse issues before he destroyed his life. And after these people got back on their feet or got what they wanted out of me, they "suddenly" didn't have time for me anymore. It's made me SO bitter and I know that isn't good for me but I can't help it and don't know how to get over it. It also make me never want to help anyone outside of my family again.

[TotalWreck]

Hey Total, I think I know the feeling.

I noticed that when I help someone, the person usually comes back and asks for more. And more. And more. To the point where I have to stop helping them and stop being their friend.

Sometimes the best way to help someone is to let them fend for themselves.

I never expect anyone to help me.

Have you actually asked the person to help you?

Normaly I wouldn't expect anyone to help me because people are so self-absorbed, BUT I do expect people that I've helped to at least have the decency to TRY to help me in my times of need since I did so for them. Even if they can't help me, they could at least be a "friend" and listen to what's going on in my life, but they can't even do that!

You would think I was asking these people for money or to do chores around my house when the ONLY things I've ever asked them for was either to keep an eye out for possible job opportunities that might be good for me or to simply be "there" for me when I need someone to talk to. Apparently these things are too difficult for them. I'm so sick of this shit. This is why I don't even trust people anymore. All people do is take and take and don't want to help others, even ones who have helped them. And the fact some of these people are doing great in life now after me helping them out (putting in a good word and recommending them for jobs or helping them get their life together) makes me furious.

Edited by TotalWreck, 17 July 2012 - 09:18 PM.

[Denyoz]

... makes me furious.

especially if they call themselves Christians.

[London]

I have a slightly different issue. I have no problem helping people when they really need help. And I'm a pretty flexible person, and people come to me with questions all the time. In return people always offer me their help. Well at this point in life I rarely take people up on that offer. Why? Because in the past when I would ask any of those people if their offer was still avaliable, and they would say yes, and I would try and schedule what I needed around their schedule. They would either show up and act like it was an imposition to be there, or they would not show up at all.

For years I wondered why anyone would offer their time to help you and then give you attitude, make you feel bad or just ditch you.

So unless it's something I cannot do by myself, I don't ask for help.

I also don't help people who are high drama. People who are into high drama don't make good friends anyhow. I am more critical thses days. People who actually need your help are people who have been there for you in the past without you asking. They deserve your help and friendship. People who are never there for you are only wasting time in your life. A real friend wants to spend time with you, not with your money, car, music collections, drugs, sex, whatever. They want to spend time with you. Same for a romantic interest.

I wouldn't give up completely on people, I would just filter more. It's like dropping a diamond in a pound of sand, filter, filter, filter until you find the pretty shiny one.

[antix]

Funny thing is Christians are the worst at backstabbing. Also, as London said, definitely need to filter more. Dumped friend this past week (a christian). Mainly, because everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie and all he worries about is money and for what ever reason, if yoiu need help in any form (not financial even) he deliberately will not help because he likes to see people suffer. As I get older, I find the people I trust most are either family or friends I have known and been friends with for decades. The people I trust least are christians and people whose gods are money or material things.

[Denyoz]

I also don't help people who are high drama.

Oh how I like this statement! How easily I fell into their traps. No more.

[ficino]

Hey Agord, like your new profile info!

[London]

Agord just reminded me of a good read, it's called Toxic People by Lillian Glass. It really helps you disconnect from problem people.

[Margee]

I am a total believer that we are all born with an extreme narcissistic personality and that it takes a lifetime of working on yourself, to reach the the place of “normal” or “healthy” narcissism. I have been a 'giver' in my life and a 'taker'.
I have been ditched and I have 'ditched' others myself. I've been 'used' before and I've been a user myself. I'm not proud of this......I am very working hard on my self-centeredness. I didn't know what I was doing back then.
I didn't have the skills I have today. I never purposely meant to hurt anyone.....

I can help today wiithout expecting anything in return. It's just humans for ya.....I have found that the more I accept human nature.... the less angry I get...

Just thought I would throw that in today.....Just bein' honest here.....

Good article on this......
http://psychcentral....t-a-narcissist/