50 replies to this topic

[Dhampir]

Heart failure, caused by... who knows? We're not doing the examination. For those that don't know, she'd been sick with a number of issues for a lot of years. About 2 1/2 hours ago. CPR was performed for almost 1 1/2 hours before. She was 36.

Edited by Dhampir, 23 July 2012 - 01:35 AM.

[Dhampir]

..................I was just at the house earlier tonight. She was on the phone from the hospital with my mom. Almost the entire time I was there-- and I didn't ask for the phone. I hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks because she was knocked out last time I was over there. I didn't ask for the phone. Didn't occur to me-- they told me it was bad this time, that she had congestive heart failure. But she was on the phone, so I figured she'd be okay. She called to tell us she was being moved to ICU, but it didn't occur to me to ask for the phone. I could have said w'sup or something, just that much would have set me at ease, but now that I'm home alone, it's all I can think about... Why didn't I ask for the phone?!

[Dhampir]

5 hours ago, she was alive, and talking, and I hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks. All I had to do was ask for the phone.

[London]

5 hours ago, she was alive, and talking, and I hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks. All I had to do was ask for the phone.

There is no way you could have known. It does not mean you did not care, you clearly didn't expect it to turn out like this.

I'm sure she knew you loved her. I'm so sorry to hear she passed on. It's never easy, no matter how prepared we are.

[pratt]

Sorry Dhampir for your loss.

My dad passed on 6 weeks ago. When people asked whether it was sudden, my reply is

"he's been weak for past year, and we are ready that he'll be gone this year or next, just not that day he died."

my condolences

[Galien]

So sorry for your loss. Don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself Dhamp.

[Tabula Rasa]

Dhamp, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[OpenPalm89]

I am so sorry for your loss, Dhampir (wish I knew your real name in this instance). There is no way you could have known. Dont beat yourself up about this... please. There is no reason to hurt yourself over something outside of your control. Remember the good times with her. Dont focus on this one thing.
Hugs to you...

[Thurisaz]

Sad to hear that man (just to not send another "sorry for your loss")...

That said:

There is no way you could have known. It does not mean you did not care, you clearly didn't expect it to turn out like this.

I'm sure she knew you loved her. I'm so sorry to hear she passed on. It's never easy, no matter how prepared we are.

This. Exactly this.

It's okay to feel hard-hit by that type of unexpected passing, but don't talk yourself into guilt here. Yeah I know it sounds damn easy when one is in that situation. Hang on man. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[ficino]

Very sorry to hear about this, Dhampir. Treasure all the good times you had and the good effects she leaves in those she affected in life. It's natural to grieve. Hang in there, bro.

[Margee]

Dhampir, I'm so sorry for your loss. Even if you did think to talk to her in those last hours on the phone - you would have found something else to feel guilty about. It seems like it's human nature to feel guilt. Be careful of the word 'should' in the next few months.Think of the many times you were on the phone with her.Think of those fun conversations .........

Dhamp...You know I lost my only sister at 40....I know a bit of what you are going through. I'm so sorry my friend. You're going to make it, I promise........ I'm here if you ever want to talk.

[buffettphan]

So sorry for your loss. Like everyone else said, there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. (But you will -- at least for a while. I know -- been there, done that.) Take care.

[Thought2Much]

Dhampir, it is perfectly natural to feel guilty for not doing more. When my wife's mother passed away unexpectedly (also from heart failure), she felt guilty for a long time because she felt like she should have known something was wrong, and that instead of just going shopping the day before her mom died, they should have had a more meaningful conversation. Or that she should have taken her to a doctor.

Except, there was no way she could have known. It was a day like any other. Her mom didn't let on that anything might be wrong with her.

As others have said, try to think about the good times with your sister. I am very, very sorry for your loss.

[Dhampir]

Honestly, I'm not so worried about what I would have said, as the fact that I should have said something. I poured my heart out at the hospital, about how it's basically in my nature to sidestep these types of opportunities-- I went through something similar when my dad died. I know she knew I loved her-- I just am aloof as all hell-- but she was THERE, and I've known for years that this trip or that trip to the hospital would be her last. But things like that make me uncomfortable, or they inconvenience me, or something like that.

[Dhampir]

Thank you for your words thus far. I really have no real life friends I can talk to about this right now-- I've become something of a recluse in the last year or so-- there are a couple of people, but I have to wait.

Galien, you may or may not be aware of this, but I've had you on ignore for the better part of 2 years now-- you should know why. But thank you anyway.

[Birdwatcher]

Dhampir, just sending hugs.

[mcdaddy]

So sorry. So so sorry.

Ive lost two friends o my own this year, both at 32 years old. It's especially sad when te good die young.

You have my deepest condolences.

*hug*

[jdog]

It is really sad. And I can only imagine the heartache you are facing. I hope you will be ok.

I know it is hard but try not to replay that phone scenario in your mind. You were not to know.

Please remember something funny that you both shared. Maybe you two had a fun conversation one time or were joking around. Or you played a game when you were kids that you liked. Go to those memories.
Hugs and peace to you.

[VacuumFlux]

*hugs*

My dad passed on 6 weeks ago. When people asked whether it was sudden, my reply is

"he's been weak for past year, and we are ready that he'll be gone this year or next, just not that day he died."

This just happened with my grandpa a few days ago. He was old, had a terminal illness, but we were all taken by surprise.

I haven't seen my grandpa all that recently. None of the family was around within a few days of his death. We told him to go to the doctor and get checked out because we knew he was feeling a little weaker, but none of us realized just how bad off he was. On the other hand, we do know that when he died, there were friendly nurses and a chaplain who been talking with him that day. It may not have been us, but he wasn't alone. That's been a huge comfort. Since it was so sudden, we know that it was quick and he wasn't in pain for very long. That didn't give us any time to say goodbye, but at least he suffered a lot less than he could have.

I didn't know your sister, but I'd guess that if she knew how you were feeling right now, she'd tell you not to be upset. (I have had similar conversations with living people about how they don't want me to feel guilty, so this isn't just making up platitudes.) You did love her, she knew that. You're sad she's gone and you're grieving - that shows that you care. And I'm guessing she loved you too. When you love someone, you don't want them to be in pain, and you don't want someone you love to make themselves miserable for you. Maybe focus on some sort of memorial you could do? Like work on a speech for a service if there will be a time for that, or volunteer at an organization that she cared about.

[florduh]

There are always things not said and not done. Don't punish yourself. Sorry for your loss.