If Not For Facebook, Would Any Of You Still Have Any Christian Friends?

[Chikirin]

Do you have any real life Christian friends, or are they all Facebook? When I got off Facebook, I lost contact with all my Christian friends. I didn't realize it till after. A few weeks went by and I realized I hadn't heard from anyone, and then i realized it was because every Christian friend I had was a facebook friend who I'd previously known in real life during colelge.

[pandora]

My old hardcore Christian friends have all abandoned me, and I really can't think of any evangelical types that I now I count as real life friends either. I do have a few real life liberal Christian friends, but that is it. Most of them I don't consider a loss, but I still miss one friend a lot. She was my bestie throughout middle and high school and early college. I was to be her maid of honor, but when she found out I was questioning the faith, she fired me as maid of honor and hasn't spoken to me since. She used to be in a cultish denomination (Worldwide Church of God) and I kind of "converted" her to mainstream Protestant Christianity, and I guess she felt threatened that I might convince her to leave the faith entirely. *shrug* She now has two kids and is a Pat Robertson Republican freak. I have tried to contact her a few times, but she ignores my letters and messages. I think I was in love with her... LOL It still hurts that I lost my bestie.

[TrueFreedom]

That really sucks, pandora. I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I still have many Christian friends, some of whom I have been open with about my beliefs. I do not have very many friends in meatspace who are not Christians, none that I spend significant time with on a regular basis.

[lunaticheathen]

I didn't have FB until way after I had openly deconverted. Any christians on there (besides family, I think there are only two, and one my (pagan) friend's mother, the other my boyfriend's friend) knew me after I dropped christianity. So, there isn't really a difference between the "real life" and fb friends, except maybe distance. My friends in the cult weren't real friends anyway, so I don't miss them.

[Voice]

I can have christian friends who aren't pompous or fake or regurgitating all the latest buzz phrases, or trying to convert people. Thing is I don't think I have any right now. Wait, I do. They're close to my best friends. We just never talk about it. I didn't know they were christians for a few years. That's crazy, I don't even think about that.

[Vigile]

She now has two kids and is a Pat Robertson Republican freak. I have tried to contact her a few times, but she ignores my letters and messages.

 

I have one guy on my FB like that. I've been friends with him since I was 3 yo. Longer than anyone else in this world. I don't know why he even added me as a friend as he has ignored my every attempt to say hello, my comments on pics of his family, etc... If he posts at all it's usually some brain-washed shit about god being good, or the pastor said this...

 

Similarly, my best friend through high school emailed me 10 or so years ago and asked me what church I was going to. I responded that I don't go to church and don't believe anymore. That shut it down right there for him. His response was that of shock and of shrinking away. I've not heard from him since. Ironically, I'm responsible for the fact that he's trapped in the cult. That's on me I guess.

 

However, I have another friend who I was close to when I was in church. Her and her husband work full time on a local missions-type project working with refuges and she goes to the church that Bryan Fischer of anti-gay fame founded. Even so, she still has a good heart and is a good friend despite the fact she's trapped in a messed up belief system. I don't know how she compartmentalizes her beliefs and the reality of who she is as a person, but she seems to make it work. She's intelligent and a deep person so it's a mystery to me how it works in her mind.

[BrotherJosh]

I deleted them all and moved on.

[MerryG]

Two of my three best friends in the real world are Christian (the third is an atheist). One of the two Christians has been pretty fundie, but has learned to accept people as they are.

[blackpudd1n]

My old hardcore Christian friends have all abandoned me, and I really can't think of any evangelical types that I now I count as real life friends either. I do have a few real life liberal Christian friends, but that is it. Most of them I don't consider a loss, but I still miss one friend a lot. She was my bestie throughout middle and high school and early college. I was to be her maid of honor, but when she found out I was questioning the faith, she fired me as maid of honor and hasn't spoken to me since. She used to be in a cultish denomination (Worldwide Church of God) and I kind of "converted" her to mainstream Protestant Christianity, and I guess she felt threatened that I might convince her to leave the faith entirely. *shrug* She now has two kids and is a Pat Robertson Republican freak. I have tried to contact her a few times, but she ignores my letters and messages. I think I was in love with her... LOL It still hurts that I lost my bestie.

 

I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to process your post and work out what to say. I got to the bit about her firing you as maid-of-honour, and I'm still sitting here going, "she what?!" I don't even know what to say to that. I guess it's just such a big deal, an acknowledgement of the strength and depth of friendship between two women, and to have that just taken away just like that... I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt. That must have been so heartbreaking. I'm heartbroken just thinking about it! Guess I'm just a little sensitive, two of my good friends have recently become engaged, and I am in the bridal party for one of them, and I know who is going to be asked to be in the bridal party for the other (I don't mind not being in it- I'm going to have my work cut out for me as it is in the role I've got). Damn, that was pretty harsh, though.

[pandora]

Thanks, Pudd. It was like the heartbreak of romantic love. I cried a lot. She gave me some nonsense about how the MOH is supposed to hold the Bride accountable and that somehow I would be unable to do that as a non-Christian. So, like what... if she lusts after another man, I was supposed to give her a spanking? Was I supposed to be leading her in prayer and devotions? I really didn't get it. A very angry series of e-mails ensued after she gave me the boot. I tried so hard to convince her that me questioning my faith had nothing to do with what kind of MOH I would be or what kind of friend I would be. She also gave me some crap about how believers aren't supposed to associate with non-believers. I think the real reason she abandoned me was that she was insecure in her faith, and that she was afraid we'd discuss faith (like we usually did) and I might instill doubts in her that she wasn't ready to face. She ended up picking a new friend she had made that she had only known a couple of months. This friend of hers ended up getting in on the e-mail arguing, telling me she was fulfilling her duty as MOH by jumping in and defending my friend. I think she influenced my friend's decision to boot me. It still hurts to think about it, but really, I don't think I could be as close to her now given her crazy Zionist politicized Christian views. She and her husband are doing very well financially and that makes me angry and jealous. I'm sure she thinks my misfortune is due to my deconversion.

 

I've never had a close girlfriend since then. In fact, I have few friends in real life. The ones I do have are just by association and don't really talk to me outside of our shared activities. Anytime I've gotten just a little close to another girl, for some reason the relationship always drifts apart. I am not sure why. I wonder if I have kind of been traumatized and handle friendship differently than I should or than most women do. My mom was my best friend after that whole incident, and she died last year. I wish I had a girlfriend to talk to, but I'll have to do with my boyfriend.

[Deva]

To answer the question, yes - one liberal-type Christian, and we have had our problems at times. I am still on good terms with my parents who are fundys, but that was a major accomplishment and they don't know what my thoughts are on religion.

[Deva]

I've never had a close girlfriend since then. In fact, I have few friends in real life. The ones I do have are just by association and don't really talk to me outside of our shared activities. Anytime I've gotten just a little close to another girl, for some reason the relationship always drifts apart. I am not sure why. I wonder if I have kind of been traumatized and handle friendship differently than I should or than most women do. My mom was my best friend after that whole incident, and she died last year. I wish I had a girlfriend to talk to, but I'll have to do with my boyfriend.

 

Sorry to read that, Pandora, it must have hurt like hell. I also have few friends in real life. I wonder why too. Seems like online a lot of people do like me, but its different in the "real world."

 

Glad you have that boyfriend! Everyone should have one person they can freely talk to.

[Edie]

I deconverted 10 years ago so they weren't Facebook friends in the first place. About 5 years after I somehow got in contact with 2 old church friends via email. I ended up falling out with one of them, her sister sent me a snotty email, and I blocked both of them. The other friend never emailed me after that, but there was no argument. Some have tried to add me since I joined FB, but I block them one by one as they attempt to add me. I'm not interested in getting back in touch with them.

 

Outside of the church, I have met new people and made new friends. Some of them happen to be Christians. One is a fundamentalist. We rarely discuss religion, and when it comes up we agree to disagree. It's not an issue and doesn't affect our friendships. However, I seriously doubt the fundamentalist is likely ever to become a close friend.

[pandora]

I've never had a close girlfriend since then. In fact, I have few friends in real life. The ones I do have are just by association and don't really talk to me outside of our shared activities. Anytime I've gotten just a little close to another girl, for some reason the relationship always drifts apart. I am not sure why. I wonder if I have kind of been traumatized and handle friendship differently than I should or than most women do. My mom was my best friend after that whole incident, and she died last year. I wish I had a girlfriend to talk to, but I'll have to do with my boyfriend.

 

Sorry to read that, Pandora, it must have hurt like hell. I also have few friends in real life. I wonder why too. Seems like online a lot of people do like me, but its different in the "real world."

 

Glad you have that boyfriend! Everyone should have one person they can freely talk to.

 

Sucks, doesn't it? I've been thinking about this today and I have come up with a few reasons. One, I don't do drugs anymore, I don't even drink, so I am not invited to gatherings where those things are part of the plan. I get bored easily with superficial talk and don't remember to stay in contact with people when that is all we do. Also, I'm mostly an introvert and am perfectly happy sitting home alone (or with my bf) for long stretches of time. I have had a few people come to me in their moment of crisis (usually relationship crisis or suicidal moments) to help them, but after that, they fade away again, even when I call and try to chat online. I feel like I'm an annoying stalker type or something if I press it too much and get no response, so I just stop attempting a connection altogether. It is like my friends see me as this stable person to come to when things are shitty and they need help, but they don't want to just "have fun" with me. Maybe I'm not very fun. I don't have enough money to go out often or sight-see. Sometimes it gets to me that I don't have anyone close that I feel I could go to if I were the one in crisis. No kids, immediate family is dead, so I often feel an acute sense of lonliness in that regard, but for the most part, I'm pretty content most of the time. It would be nice just to have one girlfriend that would come over just to hang once in a while, though... I miss that so much.

[Deva]

We have a lot in common, Pandora. I am very much alone. No kids, parents live far away and are in their own world of fundamentalism that I can never get through, but I am mostly strangely content. It would be nice to have someone occasionally call - just now and then and say "what's up?"

 

I don't have much money either - going out is a rare occasion. However, my one close friend has got me tickets to see The Nutcracker in December! So, once in a blue moon I go out. Have no idea what to wear to it.

 

I realize that I am also developing a deadpan type of humor that falls flat. Sheesh I tried it on my boss the other day and it totally backfired. He had NO idea I was being humorous.

 

Its tough to be misunderstood so much.

[LoneTarus]

Well, out of all of the people that I knew from various churches, I would say I'm still friends with about one of my ex pastors (although I totally avoid talking about what I believe with him now), his son who knows pretty much where I'm at. and perhaps one or two others but they moved away and we don't talk much anymore.

 

the rest, including a couple of people I really thought cared about me just faded away once I stopped going to church/bible study.

they haven't called me in months and I haven't seen them since we went together to visit a mutual friend who was dying of cancer a while back.

[pandora]

Yes, we must be a lot alike! I also have a sense of humor that only those who know me (which is really only a couple people) get. It falls flat and often offends others, and I end up having to explain that I am kidding, being fascetious, or whatever. They say they can't tell when I am joking. Even my bf misreads me once in a while! Oh well. That old friend of mine shared a similar sense of humor. That must be one of the reasons we got so close. Most people these days are kind of afraid of making deep connections to others, and our sense of humor is not a commonplace trait. Too bad you we don't live closer. We'd probably get along great!

[ConureDelSol]

Well, I'm not out yet, but really the only Christians I know would be the parents of friends and friends I didn't know were Christian.

 

Do parents count as friends?

[Ouroboros]

I have several Christian friends in real life, and Catholics, Jews, agnostics, atheists, new age, other...

[pandora]

Sure, parents count as friends! They are more than that, but they count as friends too.

[TwistedHiss]

Pandora & Deva,

 

I'm a long time lurker, I read & observe a lot. Just sneaking out of the shadows here to say I found what you both wrote particularly interesting. I have little for friends as well. Well okay, I really have none I guess. But I also am completely comfortable doing my own thing or staying at home. I have a really stressful job (for me anyhow) which might contribute to that; I deal with a lot of the questionable side of the public and get yelled at, cursed out and threatened. I'm fairly 'empathic', so to speak, so the icky vibes off these people are difficult for me to shrug off. I prefer to go home and decompress and try to brace for the next day. I'm not a party animal either and never have been. I'm introverted, though due to my job I can be extroverted...or maybe a better word is "assertive" when I have to be. When I was a Christian I'd let others walk all over me.

 

I'm a kitty-cat person and have a very dry or weird sense of humor, I've found many people don't 'get' it. Have you ever been accused of being 'negative' because somebody doesn't understand that you're not being serious?

 

My parents haven't spoken to me for weeks since I said I didn't believe anymore. I don't seem to have much for family left. I have no one for friends to talk to. Even if I could talk to my parents, they would also likely assume the negative things in my life were because of my deconverting. (Well not just for negative things either, but the stupid religious bend *everything* gets!) Then there's always that disconcerting vibe imparted by someone believing that you're going to burn in hell along with being a giant disappointment. I'm on my own. I guess it's okay though. If I let me down, I have no one to blame but myself

 

I was shocked as hell to find this place a year or two ago. I had no idea there was such a large group of ex-Christians. In my bubbles of confusion, I really thought I must be the only one (at the time that it started really falling apart) because who on earth would reject "God"? (Yahweh that is - as the Christians define "God" to be.) Ah-ha, surprise! I had never heard of people deconverting before.

 

The bridezilla thing pissed me off. Does she grow scales and blast sanctimonious farts out her ass and blow people to the curb like that often? I understand the feeling that would impart. I was in this youth group thing as a teen, one girl and I were friends until the leaders of that illustrious group told her out of the blue we were a 'bad influence' on one another and shouldn't associate. They never told me, just her. She refused to talk to me after they told her this. I found out when she explained to me why we could no longer be friends and she wouldn't be talking to me anymore. I felt hurt and dirty, like I was flawed. I hadn't done anything (that I know of) to cause that kind of judgement. I was a so-called 'believer' at that time, did wonders for my self-esteem - but my flavor of the cult believed self-esteem was bad anyhow. So confusing. Typical Christianity, huh? I know that now, but I didn't then. I can imagine what it was like when your so-called friend *of years* pulled that garbage, what a shitty thing to do. Thank you Christian Cult for all your groupiebot rejections and the tearing apart of friends and families!

 

Anyways, I didn't mean to interrupt the thread's main topic. I just found the characteristics you described about yourselves interesting because I am also similar and felt the need to delurk. *Now back to your regularly scheduled topic.*

[pandora]

Hell hi there TwistedHiss! Love the screen name. I'm honored to have brought a lurker out of the bushes.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel less lonely. People have told me I'm too negative, and I don't really see it that way. I'm sad to hear your parents have estranged themselves from you. That would be so painful. Maybe someday they'll come around and treat you with respect. I hate it when people assume that any misfortune I have is due to God trying to teach me a lesson and bring me back. It makes no logical sense. What a strange loyalty test.

[hereticzero]

Yes, I still have many Christian friends. Those who broke our friendship when I left the church were those who were church leaders and family members who I still have to remind I am no longer Christian. Some 'friends' I have had to ask to leave me the hell alone and not come around any more. Others come by for a beer but still try to talk me into coming back to church and I give them reasons why they should leave the church. Most of my friends now are pagans, wiccans, or atheists and agnostics. I have no friends who are fundamentalists, I broke ties with them long ago. I have a friend who is in a weird assed cult of Christians who are trying to teach their version of American Christian history--US is a nation built just for Christians and that kind of crap but I do not consider him a close friend because of his weirdness--he also believes Obama is the anti-christ..... I do not have much patience with finger pointers like that!

[TwistedHiss]

Hell hi there TwistedHiss! Love the screen name. I'm honored to have brought a lurker out of the bushes.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It makes me feel less lonely. People have told me I'm too negative, and I don't really see it that way. I'm sad to hear your parents have estranged themselves from you. That would be so painful. Maybe someday they'll come around and treat you with respect. I hate it when people assume that any misfortune I have is due to God trying to teach me a lesson and bring me back. It makes no logical sense. What a strange loyalty test.

 

I'm glad you feel less lonely. I felt less lonely as well I see it as...this world is completely absurd. Finding the dry or weird humor in absurdities enables one to stave off insanity to some degree . That's not negative, IMHO. Tell people tongue-in-cheek they're being too negative for calling you negative. They'll go home and scratch their heads over that one.

 

I think my parents have no idea what to do with the information I gave them. I'm an only child. My mother is quite ingrained with her church beliefs, she is probably terribly confused and has retreated from me and into throwing herself more into it trying to figure out what the hell just happened and/or hopefully waiting for me to say I made a dreadful mistake and have repented. I got pretty fundicized, I did a good chunk of it to myself. (Yes I had a huge hand in the final touches of totally brainwashing myself ) I had gotten into the Hebrew texts used in translations, King James all the way, blah, blah, blah. We were pretty sure "God" has just up and smacked me upside the head with all this great knowledge.

 

I guess time will tell what my parents will do, but yes it does get to me at times. I guess Yahweh is more important, as he demands to be.

 

I completely agree it makes no logical sense that a good ol' ass whuppin from God would be making a person want to return. Thank you! May I have another?! Never minding of course that horseshit things happened when the brainwashing was still in the picture. I grew so that I didn't understand what I was being 'punished' for; I hadn't made me the way I am. And Yahweh's "The beatings shall continue until morale improves!" credo became more and more senseless.

 

To keep this relevant to the thread, I never had much for 'Christian' friends even in real life. Not as nutjob as I had gotten about it, anyhow. There were a few gun-totin' support-our-troopers, survivalist flavors of 'friends' - to illustrate a particular type; the kind that would forward annoying email crap about banning prayer or crosses at cemetaries or whatever the hell it was. I was briefly on Facebook, then disliked it and closed the account. I had little for 'friends' on it in any case compared to everyone else. Hell I'm not popular anywhere!

[Voice]

I'm a kitty-cat person and have a very dry or weird sense of humor, I've found many people don't 'get' it. Have you ever been accused of being 'negative' because somebody doesn't understand that you're not being serious?

 

Welcome Hiss

...and yes. Not just negative. People will take it literally. When we're that dry, it sounds real enough.