Before The Beginning, God Was Bored

[WarriorPoet]

I had this idea after reading slave2six's thread "Where's Satan's Side of the Story?".





It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the celestial kingdom. The almighty was sitting in his living room watching the weekly football game between the cherubim and seraphim and was feeling a bit bored. The cherubs always won as the seraphs were too busy singing praises on the sideline. This particular game the score has reached 84-3 by the end of the first and he just couldn't find any more enjoyment from this blowout.

"I need something to keep me occupied" he thought. "Not necessarily a big project, something I can do in 6 days or so." He sat around thinking for a bit and came up with an idea.

Jehovah picked up his iAmPhone7 and called his good buddy.

"Hey Lucy, come over, I had this great idea and I want to tell you about it"

"Seriously Joe? I just settled in for the afternoon, got 72 hot virgins here waiting on me wing and foot, can't I just have one day when you don't bug me with another crazy idea?"

"I promise you Lucy, this is a good one, get over here and I'll tell you all about it."

"Fine, I'll be right there". Lucifer hung up his phone and flew over to the palace.

Lucifer found god in his workshop looking incredibly pleased with himself. "What's this big idea ?"

"I'm going to invent creation, fill it with plants, animals and people that I'm going to love even more than all of you angels."

"Joe, that's not an invention, you've done that five times already. And every time, these people you create mess it up, after you've set them up for failure I might add, and you invariably end up needing to impregnate some poor virgin with yourself so that she can watch her son, who is you, grow up to be tortured and killed. Even after this 'justice' has been carried out, 90% or more of them end up being eternally punished anyway. I'm worried about you Joe, you seem to be both a sadist and a masochist and you take it to an extreme that only one as powerful as you could imagine."

"You don't get it Lucy, I'm doing it differently this time. It is going to be much easier for my new version of humanity not to fall again."

"What, are you going to tell them not to have sex again, like you did in creation number 2?"

"Nope, of course, sex outside of any absurd restrictions I put on it will still be a sin, but I'm not even going to create them with a knowledge of sex, so no worries about that happening."

"So I suppose it will be no widdershins tail wagging like creation 4 then."

"Still wrong Lucy, they won't even have tails this time, but they will have tailbones as one way to trick them into thinking that they evolved from lower mammals. How hilarious is that? People who think such crazy thoughts will be the laughingstock of their society, and you know how much I like to provide my creations with entertainment."

"Alright Joe, I give up, just tell me how you are going to prevent sin in this creation, when you haven't been able to do it in the last 5. Because I'll be honest, the rest of the angels and I are getting sick of all these expansions we need to keep building in hell. The job's never ending."

"You guys do good work with that though, the acid drip was a really nice touch in this last expansion."

"Yeah, but we're getting sick of it. The screams are just so loud, we can't get any sleep."

"That's odd, I never have trouble sleeping."

"I know, you always spend 6 days making creation, and then you check out and make us run the show, and you make us tell the humans that the miracles are your doing even though you're off napping, lounging in your pool or playing ski-ball."

"Don't worry Lucy, it will be different this time. I promise. All they need to avoid in this creation is eating from a tree that I'm going to put in the center of this wonderful garden that I'll make for them."

"What!?!? Don't eat from this one tree? That's your big idea? What happens if some magical snake comes around and tells them it's fine? I suppose it will have the best fruit too, since it will have the place of honor at the very center of the garden. I know how you create these people, they're always thinking with their stomachs, they're gonna eat from the tree Joe."

"No they won't, I'll tell them it's wrong, and they won't know the difference between good and evil, so they won't know how absurd that command is, so of course they'll obey me."

"And why, pray tell, won't they know the difference between good and evil?"

"Because I'm putting the knowledge of good and evil in the fruit of the tree that they are forbidden to eat from. I'm so brilliant, I impress myself sometimes."

"Ok Joe, I just can't hold this back any longer, we're starting to worry about you. These ideas of yours just keep getting crazier. I really think you need help."

"Lucy, remember who you're talking to. You're my friend and all, but don't test my patience"

"No, you need to listen Joe, I'm not going to stand idly by while you create billions more people who will be condemned to suffer for all eternity just because you got bored during a football game. I can't in good conscience sit up here in heaven while injustice, war, disease, hunger and all other sorts of suffering happen in yet another creation. I'm going to stop you this time."

"Good luck with that Lucy."

"I've had it Joe, I'm going to stand up to you this time, I don't care if I need to go and recruit a third of all the other angels to help me do it."

"Whatever, you'll come around. You're just angry that you've never had an idea this awesome. It'll blow over and we'll laugh about this over some drinks later."

"I'm really going to do it Joe."

"Yeah, that's nice. I'll see you later buddy. Oh and please, could you stop calling me Joe?

"Only if you stop calling me Lucy."

So Lucifer left the palace to find his friend Wormwood, hoping they could come up with a way for this atrocity to be averted.

Jehovah turned back to the game, half time had come and gone, the score now 262-3.



To be continued in the Holy Bible

[amateur]

Awesome!

 

As a kid I used to wonder where god was before Day 1, when he created the heavens and the earth.  I pictured him as this invisible soul-thing floating in completely empty darkness.  For an eternity.  Before he started Day 1.  

 

WarriorPoet, I like your idea better than my floaty soul-thingy.

[mymistake]

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

 

I did too; and I kept wondering when Geoffrey was going to come in.  Nice writing WarriorPoet!

[MerryG]

  Very well written. Entertaining, too. They shoulda hired you to write That Other Book. You know, the sequel.

[WarriorPoet]

 

 

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

 

 

I did too; and I kept wondering when Geoffrey was going to come in.  Nice writing WarriorPoet!

Thank you and everyone else for the compliments. I hadn't ever heard of Darkmatter2525. Checked him out a bit and it looks like I have a couple hours of entertainment for my day off tomorrow.

[Kaiser01]

Haha sounds like a Darkmatter2525 video, that was really good. I applaud. 

 

Here is my favorite DM video WarriorPoet,

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2r6oXukz_Cc

[Lilith666]

 

That was great.  It's like God and Jeffery the Flying Baby, only Satan is giving the advice.  I love the idea that Lucifer rebelled because he was sick of Yahweh being a douche canoe.

[Lilith666]

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

 

Haha. That's because Lucy is just like Jeffery....I gotta get me one of those Darkmatter T-shirts.

[Lilith666]

 

 

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

 

I did too; and I kept wondering when Geoffrey was going to come in.  Nice writing WarriorPoet!

Thank you and everyone else for the compliments. I hadn't ever heard of Darkmatter2525. Checked him out a bit and it looks like I have a couple hours of entertainment for my day off tomorrow.

 

 

You honest-to-god wrote this and never heard of Darkmatter?? Dude, you're brilliant. I thought this must have been inspired by a bunch of Jeffery videos.

[WarriorPoet]

 

 

 

Very nice.  For some reason I read that whole thing while mentally using the voice acting of Darkmatter2525.

 

I did too; and I kept wondering when Geoffrey was going to come in.  Nice writing WarriorPoet!

Thank you and everyone else for the compliments. I hadn't ever heard of Darkmatter2525. Checked him out a bit and it looks like I have a couple hours of entertainment for my day off tomorrow.

 

 

You honest-to-god wrote this and never heard of Darkmatter?? Dude, you're brilliant. I thought this must have been inspired by a bunch of Jeffery videos.

 

I had seen some of NonStampCollector's videos.  I realized about halfway through writing it that my god did sound a lot like his, at least I thought so anyway.

[chrisstavrous]