The Human Experiment

[slave2six]

I wrote The Human Experiment in the early days of my deconversion process. I found that humor and parody were most helpful to me. Here's an excerpt:

 

 

One night while out shepherding, Moses went to some nearby bushes because nature was calling. He had no idea that Someone else would be calling too.

 

When he finished relieving himself, he turned around to go back to the flock when he saw a bright light like that of a fire. He rushed to the scene to put it out. When he got there, he discovered that a single bush was standing all by its onesie flaming away like anything and yet there was no smoke and the bush itself was undamaged. Moses was transfixed.

 

Then he heard a voice.

 

"Testing. Testing. One two three. Can you hear me OK?"

 

"Um, y-y-yeah?"

 

"MOSES!"

 

Moses nearly jumped out of his skin. It was a good thing he had already relieved himself. "Y-y-y-yes?"

 

"This is God."

 

"W-w-which g-g-god?"

 

"What do you mean ‘which god’? There’s only one of me, well, OK, I’m one God in three persons but I’m still one, as far as you're concerned. It’s too difficult for you to understand. I’m the God of your ancestors Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and so on."

 

"N-n-nice t-t-t-to m-m-m-m-meet you."

 

"Nice? You think I’m gonna invite you over for dinner next week? You think I came here to have a chat? Do you know how many people have actually talked with me like this? Three. Everyone else has gotten an angel. Lay off the ‘nice to meet you’ nonsense. And take off your shoes when I’m talking to you boy! Don’t you know it’s rude to wear shoes in the presence of God?"

 

"N-n-no Lord. I d-d-d-idn’t know. In f-f-f-act, I d-d-d-don’t think that anyone really knows m-m-much about you."

 

"Well, they’re gonna find out real quick. The people who were trying to kill you are all dead now."

 

"Even DjaDja Betuké?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Thank God!" he exclaimed without thinking.

 

"You’re welcome. Look, I have a job for you. I want you to go to Pharaoh and tell him to let my people go. Then, you lead them to the land of Canaan, which is technically theirs, and I want you and all the Jacobites to worship me there."

 

"B-b-but we don’t know how t-t-to w-w-w-worship you."

 

"Don’t you? Why not?"

 

"I don’t think you ever actually told anyone."

 

"Oh. Well, I’ll give you more details than you can possibly want. Think that’ll make your people happy?"

 

"M-m-maybe. I d-d-don’t actually know any J-j-j-jacobites."

 

Moses thought about what God had just said. "J-j-just a m-m-m-minute. Is Ph-pharaoh j-j-just g-g-g-going to let them g-g-g-go?"

 

"I hope not."

 

"Huh?"

 

"OK. There’s about a 5% chance that he’ll go along with the program but most likely he’s going to flip out about it in which case I get to work my wonders. I have a few plagues stored up and they’re just itching to be released. So, anyway, your resume looks perfect and you’re officially hired. When can you get started?"

 

"W-what?! Y-y-y-y-y-you have the wrong man. I c-c-can’t even t-t-t-talk p-p-p-p-properly!"

 

"No worries. I’ll send Aaron with you. He’s just the guy you want. Bold as a lion and a deep voice that’s hard to ignore."

 

"B-b-b-but why send m-m-m-me at all then? Can’t y-y-you j-j-just s-s-send him?"

 

"Because you, my friend, are going to write it all down."

 

"You want me to write a book?!" he asked hopefully. Moses suddenly completely forgot about his speech impediment. No natural born writer can resist a commission.

 

"Not one book. Five."

 

Moses nearly fainted. He later coined the phrase ‘make God your agent’ though most people took it to mean something entirely different. Not knowing if he’d get another shot at negotiations, he just had to ask. "Can you make it a best-seller?"

 

"I promise you that no other series of books in history will ever be more popular. In fact, they will never go out of print until the ending of the world. How’s that?"

 

"I’m in. Um, do I have to write this conversation down word-for-word or will you allow for some creative license?’

 

God thought about this. He was a big fan of creativity. "Just don’t get too carried away," he commanded.

 

Download the full version here and learn the TRUTH about:

• Creation and Lucifer's clever ploy to destroy the universe (without authorization)
• The fruit that caused birth defects in humans
• How the dolphins angered God
• The International Space Tower
• The linguistic trouble of angels
• A quail's lesson on "being chosen" by god 
• The guild of prophets™ (and the invention of Fish Puke™)
• The first and second times that God was born as a human
• How God's third person narrowly escaped becoming "God the Little Sister"
• Much more! (Not very much, mind you)

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

It sounds pretty awesome. I'll have to read the rest of it when I get a chance.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I'm definitely going to check out more of this when I get an opportunity.