Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

Good News, Bad News -- Impending Cancer Biopsy And My Non-Religious Reaction


amateur

Recommended Posts

Well, it's been a hard week.  I went for a follow-up mammogram and the radiologist found problems in both breasts.  I'll need biopsies done on both sides, and it will take three weeks for that appointment.  The waiting is horrific.  The mammograms and ultrasounds the radiologist showed me were very clear, even to me, not a doctor.  She didn't say "cancer" definitively, but both breasts have different issues, and both sides clearly have something wrong.  I have a history of breast cancer in my family, my mom was operated on for it twice when she was a few years older than I am now (50) and died about four years later because the cancer kept coming back until it had spread into her spine and other organs.  I'm not menopausal, so I know it's worse at this age than after periods have stopped.

 

The good news is that I'll be going for the biopsies and will get some answers that will at least end this wait.  My mom did die 31 years ago, so I'm hoping things have improved medically.  I am definitely NOT optimistic about anything.  But I am willing to do anything right now to get answers, then have any operations and whatever else is needed.

 

The super good news is that when I first heard about the need for the follow-up mammograms and biopsies, I had absolutely NO religious-type reaction.  My immediate reaction was that I would die (I've calmed down enough this past week to decide that I probably will NOT die within the next few weeks).  I would not be happy to die at this age, and with good things that have very recently happened.  I've gone through a decade of working my ass off for near minimum wage after divorcing my first husband, and my new husband has had an equally hard time of it.  A couple months ago we took a chance and he quit his job and took a course with the natural gas field, big here in PA, and we struggled to pay for that and live on just my own sad salary, and exactly ONE WEEK before I got the biopsy order, he was offered a job in the natural gas field, with a salary that's bigger than either of us has seen over our working careers, and he's been enjoying the work (very hard physical labor, outside -- yes, in the negative degree weather we had!, but he loves that kind of work and working with his hands).  So we had one happy week after years of crap, then THIS.  Also, his benefits won't kick in for another few months, so we're stuck with a huge deductible and other issues.  I was able to get some help financially for that, so it's ok, and if surgery were to happen, we would deal with the expenses.

 

My feeling is if I die, then I'm dead and gone and won't know anything any more.  I'm good with that.  I am NOT good with dying right now after one week of my husband having a great job he's enjoying!  I am NOT happy about dying when we've been married only the past four years.  I don't want to die and leave him after all he's accomplished -- he's been sober and out of alcoholic-trouble, including jail, for the past seven years.  I do NOT want to die when things are finally coming together for us, and I so much want him to be ok if I do die.  He's struggled with alcohol and depression for decades, and I don't want that happening in his life again.  I know we are all responsible for ourselves, and he has always claimed responsibility even at his worst (he's wonderful in that he doesn't blame others for his problems, he faces them as things he did to himself, which is why I fell in love with him).  But I do so care about him.

 

And I don't really want to leave my kids when they're just young adults!  I went through that with my mom between the ages of 15 and 18, and it's really very sad.  For a very long time.

 

So after the first week of shock, I'm not actually thinking I'll automatically die, so that's good.  My family is NOT good at surviving cancer (my dad died about two months after being diagnosed, various grandparents went in their 60's with it, a cousin died in her 50's of breast cancer, and other relatives).  But I'm hoping I have some years to go.

 

The biggest news for this website is, though, that I have absolutely NO interest/concern in religion, god, jesus, life after death, whatever.  I did keep repeating "I'm dead" to the radiologist (when I'm feeling something bad, I like to share the joy!), but I was concerned about the pain of the biopsy and possible surgery, and concerned for my dear husband and kids, but there was nothing about heaven or hell or coming back as a mouse that went through my head at all.  Dead = Dead.  I want to get well because I love this life, I love my husband and my kids, and I love all those million things that everybody loves (sunsets, beaches, getting tipsy with friends, sex, road trips, good food, etc etc) and want to enjoy them for as long as I can.

 

Anybody that's paid any attention to anything I've written on here knows I have a Death Plan, but I'm a bit young for that, plus don't want to spend all my money on having fun before I die since my husband did just start his job so can't very well take six months off to go to resorts with me, plus I will be nice and leave him some money!  Fifty's just too young to give up.

 

So the most positive thing in this experience so far is knowing that religion has been drilled out of my head.  I have learned so much from this site and all the writings in it, and I am convinced without a shadow of a doubt that there is no valid, real religion, and when we die, we die like the plants we eat and like animals die. 

 

And yes, I most definitely will do everything necessary to get through this and live.  I do not feel optimistic about the biopsies, but I do believe that medicine might have some helpful things, even with what my family has experienced in the past.

 

Thanks, everyone, for reading and for all the writing you've done that made me calm on the whole religion subject.  This is a valuable site and every time someone shares their knowledge, it is potentially helpful to someone else in a very tangible way.  Please, please know that.  Please share your questions about religion, please share your insights, those with huge amounts of knowledge please please please continue to share that knowledge!

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will begin by emphasizing the positive part of your experience. It must be very reassuring to know that you have gained the strength and personal courage to face the situation without falling back into the religious trap. I am proud of you for that.

 

I truly hope that your biopsies bring you good news!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a mammogram about 11 years ago where they were suspicious about some of the tissue.  My mum has had a double mastectomy, so there was some realistic concern.  The biopsy revealed that there was nothing wrong.

The only thing is that I now have a tiny piece of metal somewhere deep in my right breast.  They do that to know where they did the biopsy.  I always have this worry that it will set off the metal detectors at the airport, but it never does!

 

Not all biopsies turn out bad!  btw, it didn't hurt either - I think they gave me local anaesthetic though.  It was when the first Lord of the Rings movie came out - so a long time ago.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I so admire you, Amateur.  I am new on this deconversion journey and don't know how I would have reacted to the news.  But, I guess, we Pennsylvanians come from good stock!  Thank you for sharing this.  It has helped me immensely and I wish you all good things.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderator

Amateur, I'm so sorry you have to go through this my darlin'. The waiting is definitely the hardest part and you just come on here with us and post, post, post how you're doing and we can try to help you as you wait. I'm also sorry that you lost your mom 30 years ago at such a young age. It's so sad (and good) because the doctor's have come such a long way in 30 years and they know so much more now about breast cancer. I often think that my own mom who died too young from the complications of diabetes. She would be living today because of all the new information over the years.

 

It sounds like you are ready to face whatever...you have a great realist, logical attitude and that is so important. Stay strong hon!! I'll be crossing my fingers and toes that this will be a situation that will turn out well for you. We're here for you. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

 

hughughughughughughughughughughughug

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sucks beyond belief that you're going through this. I, too, will point out that often (especially with breast-related issues), if caught early, whatever problem there is can be treated. But no matter what, you are dealing with this in the healthiest way you can, and THAT is of supreme importance. Sending you all the best good wishes, amateur. Life just isn't fucking fair.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

I'm also so sorry you and your family are having to go through all this, amateur.  You sound like you're in a good place mentally which helps so much with our physical problems.  But if there are times you feel like you need to scream, know we are here to listen and do whatever we can to help.  Big Big Hugs.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Super Moderator

If there is anything I can do to help; just PM me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

amateur -- I know it's worth very little, but I'll be pulling for you along with the rest of your Ex-C family. You sound like a wise, centered woman and a person with inner strength and grace.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't know if this helps or not, but my wife just had the same issue.  They still don't know the exact cause and they have her on a diet now which precludes things like grains, including coffee and tea and wheat, but it wasn't cancer, just some fluid, which they drew out with a needle.  According to her doctor, this is the by far the most common outcome, so it seems probabilities are on your side.  Here's hoping...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We have had a lot of experience with cancer. My daughter-in-law had breast cancer and it went into remission for four and a half years before it came back. The doctors told her it is terminal this time, but it is reasonable to expect another six or seven years for the disease to run its course.

 

Now the good news. It returned as bone cancer the last time, but she is receiving a new drug and her body is responding positively to it. Her last exam revealed her cancer was in full remission.

 

Medical science is making progress and as you noted cancer is not an automatic death sentence anymore. Lots and lots of people no only survive but go on to live long productive lives. You have demonstrated a very positive attitude about your situation. Keep thinking those positive thoughts!  smile.png

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MadameX

Amateur, I am hoping for the best for you, and yes there have been lots of improvements in cancer treatments in recent years. Please keep us posted and know that you are in my thoughts. 

 

I also want to say how much I am moved by your posts, by your death plan, by your observations, by your smarts. I very much enjoy reading your contributions.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stay strong and pull through.  Don't give up hope.  Fight for your health all the way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Best wishes. My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should mention that my mum that had the two mastectomies will be 91 in May.  She has survived the first mastectomy by 50 years and the second mastectomy by 45 years.

 

How is that for a survival story? 

 

Hope your biopsy reveals nothing serious, but even if it does, there are lots of survival stories out there.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi amateur sorry about the bad situation.  Keep the focus on living not dying, you may be here for a long time to come.  By all logic I should have been dead when I was a baby but for better or worst I am here three decades later and have the benefit of having mostly lost any sense of ability to fear death.  I have heard many stories of people believing or being told they are going to die, who ended up living a long time after that. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also want to note that St Jude Research Hospital in Memphis has made nothing short of miraculous advances in cancer treatment. Their mission is limited to pediatric cancer research but their success rate is astounding. They share their finding with all the cancer research facilities in the world and what works in children obviously often transfers to adult treatment too.

 

I am not generally a positive person unless I see reasons to be positive and optimistic and there clearly are reasons to be optimistic because new drugs and treatments are becoming available on a regular basis.

 

I know it’s scary Amateur, but keep your focus on all the positive stuff that is going on right now in new and inventive cancer treatments. A close friend was diagnosed terminal……..8 years ago and he is still cancer free today!! My daughter-in-law was told she was terminal but her cancer is in full remission today! Faith and hope aren’t dirty words. Have faith and believe you’re going to beat this nasty beast because lots of people do.  3.gif clap.gif 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you to ALL of you for reading and/or responding.  I still have two weeks to wait til the biopsies, then another 2-4 business days until I get the results.  This waiting will truly be the cause of my death and they better damn well put that on my death certificate.  I wake up in the morning and the first thing that pops into my head is "what if?", through the day it's always somewhere in my head, and at night when I lay down there it is again right up front.

 

By the way, I should call my doctor about this, but does anyone know how you get your results from the biopsies?  I need to have a day off work to get the biopsies; do they tell me the results over the phone?  Or do they call you back into the office to tell you, in which case I need more time off work (I don't get paid if I don't go to work and I work almost every day of the week, and my husband was luckily able to get a day off work to come with me for the biopsies, but as he'll have only been at his new work a month, they won't let him take another day so soon).  If you don't have cancer, do they tell you over the phone?  If you DO have cancer, do they tell you to come in, in which case you KNOW you have cancer and how awful is that?  Yes, this is part of the shit that goes through my head every morning, on and off through the day, and at night when I lay down.  Yes, I should call the doctor and ask, but I already know that will make me cry so I know I'm avoiding it.

 

When I talked to the lady at the financial office to get some help, she was shocked they had me waiting three weeks for the biopsies.  She said normally it's much quicker.  Thanks for that head's up, lady!  Good info I can use!  She said I can call every day in case there's a cancellation.  No, lady, I work every day and can't just call off at the last minute, and my husband has the specific day off, and can't be switching around as a new employee.  Plus he leaves home at 5 am, he can't come back home if I get an opening at 10 am.

 

Yeah, I'm definitely in the anger stage of this!  And I don't even have a diagnosis yet!

 

Anyway, thanks everybody for your kind words and support.  I did enjoy a rum and coke last night and that helped calm me down a lot.  I also have massages lined up through this waiting period, and my massage therapist knows what's going on which is helpful on both a physical/emotional level.  And I am able to talk about things with my dear husband and even though he's a guy and says "I don't know what to do or say!" he is very sweet about everything and good to me.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't answer all those questions Amateur, but I gotta say, it's terrible how they string you along.  My wife went to the doctor last week when she found a lump.  He sent her to the lab for an ultrasound and the ultrasound nurse told her straight away, 'don't worry, it's not cancer!'  Apparently, she was able to tell just from experience looking at masses.  The doctor confirmed this the following day when he scheduled a procedure to draw out the fluid that had created the lump. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hugs… all my best wishes to you and your family. You have an amazing attitude and that will go far.

 

:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks everyone!  I'm feeling pretty good today.  Spent the afternoon with my daughter, nothing fancy, we went to the grocery store, made lunch and ate, stopped at the gym for a bit, and went to Dairy Queen for an ice cream cake for my husband and some treats for us!  I'm just trying to have some fun and live and enjoy my family.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Keep us posted! My mother just went through this. We are here for you! Feel free to PM me.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sometimes, all you gotta do is whip'em back and forth and everything is fine. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

Just trying to add a little humor here...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

^^^Humorous and disturbing, all in one 24 second clip!

 

Thank you, everybody, again.  I appreciate the support from everyone, and the offers to PM people -- thanks, I will if things get to that point.  I especially appreciate the whipping tittie person.  trt19ROFLPIMP.gif

 

On my drive home from work today, I was thinking about reasons I'm glad I am no longer involved in xianity or church:

 

1.  Awaiting the biopsy is bad enough, but I know I would have been wondering things like "what did I do to deserve this punishment?"  Even growing up with agnostics, it's hard to escape the tentacles of xianity.  

 

2.  I'd also be concerned about asking forgiveness for all my sins just to make sure I no longer qualified for hell.  What if I forgot one?  

 

3.  Hell, in general.  People with serious diseases should NOT have any threat or thought of something as horrific and ridiculous as hell on their minds when going through their bad times.  I can happily say that I have NO concern about guilt, forgiveness, or hell.  I do want the people I love to know that I love them; the real, living people in my life.  I'm glad I am no longer concerned with imaginary beings.

 

4.  I am SO glad I don't still belong to the church!  I'm not the type to keep things to myself, and I know people would come up to me, all concerned, and tell me they are praying for me.  Then they'd go back to ignoring me.  I am SO glad I don't have that hypocrisy in my life anymore!  

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been through something similar. As some know I got very sick and was told I'd need a heart and lung transplant and that my life expectancy after that would be about five years, and that's five years of being a germaphobe on large doses of many different immuno suppressant drugs and steiroids who had to wear a mask if I ever went outside my home and would likely be using an insane amount of oxygen for the latter two to three years of that time. That was the best case scenario they gave me.

 

I lived in the hospital and was expecting to be there for a year or more. Despite that, I was up and walking around, carrying oxygen with me and pushing around an IV pole. I was talking with the other patients, trading stories, playing games, watching movies, and pushing myself physically as much as they'd let me. I smiled even when I didn't feel like it, laughed and flirted with the nurses, and had a stiff upper lip around my family. I didn't let fear get to me, I didn't let myself get sad. I found ways to keep busy and distracted from what was wrong with me. I couldn't shut it completely out, but I can honestly say I never fell into depression because of my illness.

 

Then I actually did die. It's strange to say it, but that actually helped reduce the fear of death. I saw it was nothing to worry about. I wanted to avoid it of course, but not so much because I was afraid, but because it would make my family feel bad. I kept giving myself goals that I wanted to finish before I died. I still haven't lost that habit and see no reason to do so anymore.

 

Fortunately for you, medicine has advanced, and a hell of a lot more than you might think. Don't give up, work really hard to enjoy yourself, and don't stop even if you do feel better. If it's a positive result, you're in for a fight, but it's one you've got a very good chance of winning.

 

I got better. My doctors tell me they've never seen a case like mine. I'm actually the subject of a couple of studies because of what happened to me. My heart was the largest in the State for any living person and was working at about 20% of the level of a normal person's heart. A lot of the unoxygenated blood was flowing into the wrong side of my heart because of a hole, and it was forcing it to work much harder to keep my blood oxygenated. I had a huge amount of pressure in my lungs as a result. I was literally told that I was a dead man walking without a major transplant. They gave me some new drugs and therapy intending to hopefully stabilize me while I waited for organs. Instead of just keeping me alive and strong enough for surgery my heart shrank enough to attempt to close the hole rather than remove it and my lungs. The operation was successful and my heart is now not only normal sized, but functioning normally, my lung pressure is also normal. I still take drugs and will be on pills for the rest of my life, but I'm literally in uncharted territory for someone who has the kind of defect I had.

 

I'm the first patient to ever have a recovery like this ever. Every single person like me before I came along died or got a transplant. So yeah, medicine has come a long way in just the past few years. You're far better off today than any patient 30 years ago would have been. Seriously, you've got a better chance of survival than you think even in the worst case diagnosis. Even if they tell you the worst, don't just toss up your hands and give up. You've got a real shot of making it regardless.

 

Any type of cancer treatment is unpleasant. The drugs have unpleasant side effects and other treatments like Kemo or surgery are no picnic. I've seen it myself even though my illness wasn't cancer. I know several people who were receiving those types of treatments. I was a long term patient and I still keep in contact with a lot of the others who were there with me. Several are out and living healthy and normal lives.

 

I wouldn't say I'm glad for it, but getting sick was actually good for me on a lot of levels. I eat better, get more exercise, and live more now than I did before I nearly died. I'm still tied to medications, I'm not allowed to work [not a good thing for someone like me], and I'm essentially tied to Gainesville because this is where my specialists are at.

 

The worst thing you can do is let it get you down. Attitude is more important than you can possibly imagine. All the people I know who did the best and had the most effective treatment were the ones with the best attitudes. Don't let yourself get depressed, use the extra time to do things you enjoy doing, and don't let being sick stop you from living even if it gets you stuck in bed for a long time. If you get tied down and immobilized for a while, get a laptop, buy a kindle, read those books you've always been meaning to read, get a Netflix and/or Hulu account and watch those movies and shows you've been meaning to.

 

Don't sit and waste away. Do as much as you can within your treatment's limitations. If you can get up and walk, do it as much as you can without hurting yourself, if you can jog, do it. Whatever you are able to do make sure you do for yourself. You might need help and your family may want to make you sit around and insist on doing everything for you. Don't let them unless you truly can't do things for yourself or you're under doctor's orders. Whatever you can get away with doing, do. Never sit still, never lay down if you don't need it, and never let depression take you. Depression can be the most dangerous thing for someone who is truly ill and lying around being bored is one of the surest ways to get depressed. Fight it tooth and nail.

 

Cry if you need to, but show your family a smile more than you show them tears. They'll need to see it. Be brave for them and yourself. It's harder on you if you're sick that way, but that doesn't mean it's easy for the people who care about you.

 

Laugh, smile, joke, and live. Don't let it beat you down and fight every step of the way. I got worse before I got better, I literally crossed the threshold of death and came back, and I know for a fact that if I had given up I wouldn't be here now.

 

I'm tied to medications, unable to work, but I've honestly never felt better. Breathing is easier than it's ever been in my life and I'm in better shape than I was when I was in the Army. I'll be losing some of my meds in the next six months or so if everything stays the current course. Fortunately the most irritating ones at that, the ones that really tie me down and keep me from working. As things stand right now, there's no reason whatsoever I shouldn't have a job by this time next year.

 

Don't give up. If you have to go, don't regret how you handled your illness. Don't let depression take you, keep a positive attitude, and fight till the end for yourself and your loved ones. Attitude can be the difference between ending an illness and an illness ending you. Hold on to the time you have and make the most of it. Don't try to just survive, live the time you have left as well as you can and fill it with as many good memories as you can manage.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.