LongWayAround Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I am just past the tipping point of my deconversion and will try to summarize my story. I was raised in the church. When I was in grade school, my dad was a deacon, my mom was the vacation bible school leader among other things, and we were at church anytime the doors were open. I was baptized at a young age (probably 9 or 10) and was on the bible bowl team, and active in the church youth group. When I was in high school, our small town church split and my parents went off with a group of others to build a new church. My Dad became an elder and had to put his house up for collateral for the new church mortgage along with the other elders and mom played the piano. Also during high school, I met a girl that, although her family did not go to church, she had gone to the same church that family did before it split. As we dated, then got engaged, then married, we slowly reduced the amount of time we went to church until eventually we moved away and stopped going all together. I stopped going partially because the split in the church had a negative affect on me (people that were once our brothers and sisters in christ, no longer talked to us when we met on the street) and partially as a rebellion against my parents. My wife was a generally apathetic person and wasn't really interested in church. I had serious doubts about christianity after being away from it and having gone to college and no longer considered myself a christian. My wife and I had several children and were married for about 15 years when it became clear that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with her. We went through a very difficult divorce and settled with joint custody of the children. After divorcing I began to go to a large formal church by myself. It was very impersonal where hardly anyone spoke to me or knew my name. I didn't participate in communion or anything else for that matter but I did attend every Sunday morning. I began dating a woman that was religious even though she knew that I wasn't a christian she accepted me anyway. We went to her church regularly and talked about religion often and openly. During this time, I read the Case for Christ. We broke up and I soon met another woman that I was interested in dating. She said that we could be friends but she would not date me unless I was a Christian. Her first husband was not a christian and she said she would not be unequally yoked again. I had been on the fence and this provided the impetus to push me over. I rededicated my life to christ in my parents church and the woman and I started to date. We regularly attended church together and eventually married. We have gone to church regularly during our 10+ years of marriage and have been active in our church. I was asked to be a deacon but told them I was not ready and turned it down. I wanted to get closer to god and jesus so I decided to read the bible in a year and blog about the reading. That was about two years ago and I now realize that was the turning point. After reading the bible through and really studying it, I could no longer believe that it was the word of god. I couldn't reconcile the brutality, the inconsistencies between parallel gospel accounts, and the conflicts with what we know about science. So here I am. While sitting in church about a month ago, I realized that I don't believe in christianity or any other religion. I have not told my wife, or anyone else for that matter, and have continued to go through the motions. I think there is a very real possibility that my wife will divorce me if she knows I am no longer a christian. My mom and dad have been thrilled since I have been back in the church. I would prefer not to tell my dad because he does not have that many years left. My kids and my wife's kids are atheists or agnostic and will be happy to hear I am no longer a christian. I love my wife and want to be married to her. Being a christian is so central to my wife's identity that I think it is very possible she won't want to be married to me if I am not a christian. I have considered playing along indefinitely but feel sick when I am in church or when I am not distracted by something else and start thinking about it. I am also not a very deceptive person by nature and can see myself inadvertently doing something that will let her know I no longer believe. I have also considered playing along until my dad passes away then telling my wife and letting the chips fall where they may. Based upon reading in the unequally yoked section on this website, I have thought about dropping hints to my wife that I am having doubts (although in reality my doubts are gone) to more slowly bring her along so that she doesn't think I have been keeping something from her. I know that this will not go well. We can not discuss anything religious if my views do not align with hers. When we have that discussion, I have thought about telling her that I will go to church with her to a new church (which she has said she is thinking about switching) but will only go as an unbeliever and will not participate beyond attending. Before getting divorced, I had no idea how bad it could get. I am concerned that coming out as an ex-christian could be the same. I don't want to face this but can tell that I can't keep living like this either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RogueScholar Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I'm sorry man. I faced a similar situation. I wasn't sure what would happen to my marriage. Ultimately, we've been able to make it work, but that may not be your situation. I wish I had more comforting words. This is a great site to discuss your concerns and worries. There are many supportive people here. I wish you all the best. Don't be afraid to talk about how thing are going and how you are doing if you think that will help. Somebody here is almost always willing to listen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted April 14, 2014 Moderator Share Posted April 14, 2014 Welcome, LongWayAround. I feel for you. My wife was not open to ideas contrary to our religious beliefs, so I ended up deconverting on my own about a year before breaking the news to her. I watched lots of documentaries and planted seeds ahead of time, and it worked out for us eventually. As you've read and can imagine, it doesn't always work out. Hopefully you can work something out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I'm not married but my story is similar to yours in that I went away from xianity and returned to it later in life, getting closer to elderly parents in the process. That alone is enough of a burden to live with, but at least you now know that you will never go back to it, having fully deconverted this time. Well done you. This site is a great place to discuss ideas and get support. Welcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blood Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I wanted to get closer to god and jesus so I decided to read the bible in a year and blog about the reading. That never turns out well. I've yet to hear anyone say, "I really studied the Bible, and found that it actually increased my devotion to the church." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 You are in a very difficult position - though I'm always amazed at how many Christians seem willing to consider divorce given that the standard biblical stance is that divorce is unacceptable. Anyhow, as another person who says nothing to the wife and goes through the motions, I sympathise. I have found it possible, however, to slowly withdraw from active participation and let her come to a realisation for herself that I'm not exactly happy with the faith. Don't know if that would work for you, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongWayAround Posted April 15, 2014 Author Share Posted April 15, 2014 I wanted to get closer to god and jesus so I decided to read the bible in a year and blog about the reading. That never turns out well. I've yet to hear anyone say, "I really studied the Bible, and found that it actually increased my devotion to the church." I have heard my parents tell the story many times of how an atheist set out to prove the bible wrong and in the process of reading the bible converted to christianity. I wonder if that ever happened. Anyway, I had hoped that it would increase my faith and reduce my doubts but it had the opposite effect. I deal with fire codes as part of my job. They are written and refined by many different authors over many years yet they generally are very unified and well coordinated without contradictions. I would expect a book that is written by authors that are being guided by god to be even better than one written by men. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I deal with fire codes as part of my job. They are written and refined by many different authors over many years yet they generally are very unified and well coordinated without contradictions. I would expect a book that is written by authors that are being guided by god to be even better than one written by men. LWA, great observation! Yeah, imagine fire codes that are like the Bible. The fire inspectors would still be arguing over interpretation long after the not-up-to-code wiring had burned down the building. You ought to start that paragraph going on Facebook or someplace! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AJG Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I have not told my wife, or anyone else for that matter, and have continued to go through the motions. I think there is a very real possibility that my wife will divorce me if she knows I am no longer a christian. My mom and dad have been thrilled since I have been back in the church. I would prefer not to tell my dad because he does not have that many years left. My kids and my wife's kids are atheists or agnostic and will be happy to hear I am no longer a christian. I love my wife and want to be married to her. Being a christian is so central to my wife's identity that I think it is very possible she won't want to be married to me if I am not a christian. Oh boy do I feel for you! I went through the motions with my friends and family for fifteen years. My wife told me she didn't know if we could stay married when I first told her I didn't believe in God, so I "tried to work through my unbelief" for the next decade and a half. I am fortunate in that my wife came around and religion is not important to her anymore. In your case, I think you have to ask yourself what is more important to you: being honest with yourself and with others or staying married to a woman you love. That's an almost impossible choice to make because if you really love your wife can you lie to her about something that is of prime importance to her? I don't have any easy answers for you. I don't think any exist. I guess my advice to you is to tell your wife you are having doubts about Christianity but are trying to work through them. Hopefully as time goes by you can work on her about how ridiculous religious belief is. That is difficult with someone who is governed primarily by emotion than by reason, though. Some people will never give up religious beliefs even if they know they are nonsensical simply because it gives them peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted April 15, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted April 15, 2014 I deal with fire codes as part of my job. They are written and refined by many different authors over many years yet they generally are very unified and well coordinated without contradictions. I would expect a book that is written by authors that are being guided by god to be even better than one written by men. LWA, great observation! Yeah, imagine fire codes that are like the Bible. The fire inspectors would still be arguing over interpretation long after the not-up-to-code wiring had burned down the building. You ought to start that paragraph going on Facebook or someplace! I have found the same to be true with the National Electric Code, which gets updated every three years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted April 15, 2014 Share Posted April 15, 2014 I have considered playing along indefinitely but feel sick when I am in church or when I am not distracted by something else and start thinking about it. I am also not a very deceptive person by nature and can see myself inadvertently doing something that will let her know I no longer believe. Before getting divorced, I had no idea how bad it could get. I am concerned that coming out as an ex-christian could be the same. I don't want to face this but can tell that I can't keep living like this either. My heart really goes out to you, LongWayAround. I was married the first time for 15 years and had problems not related to xianity at all (he was an atheist) but tried for as many years as I could to play along and try to be a nice wife. Like you, I can't be deceptive easily, especially not over years, and I couldn't keep hiding what I really felt. So, eventually it came out and we got divorced. That was a truly horrible time in my life. I'm wishing you the best. This is a good place to work some things out in your own head, and to vent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blood Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 The thing is not to use the "I believe/don't believe in God" construction. It's unnecessarily shocking to people to hear you say, "I don't believe in God," because they've never heard someone boldly assert that. But "belief" in "God" is meaningless. If you changed the word "God" to "Zeus" you would be saying the exact same thing. It's better to say something less shocking but more meaningful, like, "I've read some scholarship, and concluded with them that the Bible is a collection of folklore from the Ancient Near East. I don't believe in the supernatural anymore. A god might exist, but I don't see evidence that such a figure has ever interacted with humans." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RipVanWinkle Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 "In your case, I think you have to ask yourself what is more important to you: being honest with yourself and with others or staying married to a woman you love. " AJG AJG put the question to you very clearly. I really don't think you can make a decision as to what to do until you answer that question. My marriage meant more to me than criticizing xtianity, but I had already told my wife that I no longer believed. My problem was in trying to get her to discuss my questions with her. She won't do it. So we just agreed to not discuss the issue at all. With the exception of a few slips on my part it has worked fairly well. But each married couple is different. You can tell her and run the risk of ruining your marriage, or keep it a secret and learn to live with it. Do you have children by your current wife? That can make a difference. I am assuming for now that you don't. If your wife is one who brings her religion home with her by bible reading, praying, etc. with you participating, if it were me, I couldn't tolerate that .But if she does not spread her faith all over your home so that you have to put up with most of the time, my preference would be to remain silent and see what happens. There is risk in this. She could get more fundamental. Or she could get less involved.This could change things. But even if you can't stand going to church and tell her so, you don't have to tell her of your disbelief. Think of other reasons not to go. I know making up reasons not to go to church is not exactly honest. But consider this: What is the bad that will result from your telling her the truth, i.e., that you don't believe. A possible broken marriage. What is the good? A probable saved marriage and you don't have to go to church. Who gets hurt? No one, unless you find out that your wife can't tolerate your not going to church, in which case, you go and grin and bear it. That's if your like me and the marriage comes first, even above yout deconversion. These are just my ideas. They may be wrong for you. As AJG said: which is more important, the marriage or your peace of mind in being forthright about your disbelief? I wish you the best of luck. bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongWayAround Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 LWA, great observation! Yeah, imagine fire codes that are like the Bible. The fire inspectors would still be arguing over interpretation long after the not-up-to-code wiring had burned down the building. Fire Inspector "A": I believe the building has to be fully immersed in water to be saved from fire. Fire Inspector "B": You are wrong. Sprinkling the building is sufficient to save the building from fire. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongWayAround Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 . Do you have children by your current wife? My wife and I prayed earnestly and continually for a long time that we would have a child together. It never happened. That was definitely a blow to my perception of the power of prayer. When I discuss religion with my wife, I intend to talk about that example because I think she would feel the same way to some extent. So, the answer is no, we don't have any children together. My kids are atheists or agnostic and hers is probably agnostic (they don't discuss it because they know what their mother's reaction would be). Thanks for the input Bill. It helps. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted April 16, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted April 16, 2014 Fire Inspector "A": I believe the building has to be fully immersed in water to be saved from fire. Fire Inspector "B": You are wrong. Sprinkling the building is sufficient to save the building from fire. Is that two fire inspectors arguing or is it a Baptist minister and a Catholic Priest? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HulkDeez Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I really feel for you and Thank You for sharing. I really hope that it all works out for you, your wife and your marriage. There is no reason why de-converting should ruin any relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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