The Tragedy Of My Religious Experience

[Brother Jeff]

 

This is me in the Hague in 1984. I was enjoying a trip through Europe after graduating high school. I was a typical teenage party animal at the time. I drank heavily, I smoked cigarettes heavily, and I smoked pot every chance I got. I remember getting so stoned in Amsterdam one time I almost passed out. I was barely conscious as I went from the bar where I was partying to a bookstore down the street to browse. Those were fun times, and I had an absolute blast in Europe. The tragic thing is, though, just nine or ten months after this photo was taken -- in March of 1985 -- I caught the religion mind virus bad, and it took me 15 years to get free. I went from being a typical teenage party animal to being a young religious fanatic in record time. The transformation didn't take long, and in retrospect it was not a good change. Sure, I temporarily dropped the alcohol and drug use, but in exchange I bought into the religious bullshit hook, line, and sinker. I know my friend Mike meant well when he "witnessed" to me about Jesus, but I have to say now that getting so heavily involved in religion for such a long time is one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I lost 15 years of my life that could have been spent much more productively. I missed out on the opportunity to grow out of my "party animal" days normally, without religion. I lost some of the best years of my young life to religion, and in retrospect it's hard to fathom the change I went through from having so much fun in Europe to being a religious fanatic in such a short amount of time. I was not just your average religious fanatic either. I annoyed everyone I came into contact with about Jesus. I wrote evangelistic letters to my family. I handed out those ridiculous Chick tracts to convenience store clerks and toll booth operators. I told my loving mother repeatedly that she was going to hell if she didn't get saved. We fought over religion many times, and I couldn't be reasoned with. I had religion really, really bad. I hate to admit it now, but I sent money to the 700 Club and TBN back in those days. What a fool I was... I once pledged $1000 to the 700 Club during one of their telethons back in the late 1980s, but they never got the money. I didn't have it to give. I just wanted to hear my name called out on TV... lol...

It took 15 years, but now I am FREE and I have been that way since early 2000, with the exception of a few short-lived bipolar-induced "re-conversion" experiences. The last one of those happened last year and I was rapidly becoming a fanatic fundie again. It was a scary time, but I came back to my senses as I always do, and I am still FREE. I plan on staying that way for the rest of my life. I had some good times while I was religious. It wasn't all bad. I made some good friends and had some fun times at church. But overall, religion had a profoundly negative effect on my life. It made my suffering from the effects of bipolar disorder much worse than it had to be. I was prayed for many times back before I was diagnosed and I hit the floor many times for Jesus, but I was never healed, of course.

I know now that the Bible is mostly ancient religious mythology with some known bad "history" and some atrocities thrown in for good measure. It hardly qualifies as the "word" of any god worth worshiping. But I bought into it for a long time. If I had read the Old Testament much back in those days, I might have broken free a lot sooner. But, of course, I back then I stuck with the "church-approved" "good" parts of the Old Testament. I never knew about the atrocities depicted within its pages until after I broke free. If I had known back then that the god I was worshiping was guilty of ordering or directly committing mass murder and genocide on multiple occasions, I would have broken free a lot sooner, I think. If it had dawned on me when I read Acts 5 that killing people simply for lying was a harsh and totally inappropriate punishment, I might have broken free a lot sooner. If I had considered that if the book of Revelation were to come true today, BILLIONS of non-Christian people would die horrible deaths, I might have broken free sooner. But... I was always reading the Bible back then with religious blinders on. I had my Jesus Goggles firmly in place. On the rare occasion that I read the Bible now, I see how ridiculous blind belief in it as a literally true divinely-inspired book really is. I can't believe now that I ever believed it to be a book sent straight from the throne of God. I know now that several books in the New Testament (Ephesians, Colossians, 2 Thessalonians, Titus, the letters to Timothy) are known forgeries. And we have no idea who wrote the Gospels (it wasn't Matthew, Mark, Luke, or John).

I bought into a pack of ancient myths and lies for 15 years of my life, and it's 15 years that I will never get back. I deeply regret my religious years (I was young and foolish) and I wish that things could have been different. I would love to have lived a normal life free of religion. But that wasn't to be... but I am FREE now, and I plan on staying that way for the rest of my life. Glory!

[amateur]

Brother Jeff, yes, you lost those 15 years to religion.  And you're right, you'll never get those years back.  That is truly something to mourn.  

 

But you got out!  And you did it in 15 years, not 30 or 45.  Or never. 

 

And we all have regrets for lost years or decades, to different things.  When I'm in a bad mood, I roll around in my regrets and linger there way too long thinking of my own horrible decade+, and more years after that where I basically beat my head on the wall and couldn't get ahead.  When I'm in a good mood, I enjoy knowing that I'm the one that got MYSELF out of the bad situations, and moved myself ahead, and maybe, just maybe, learned something from the bad times that can help me out now or help me help someone else with a similar thing.  And if nothing else, I survived the bad shit; I'm still alive!  A bit more cynical, a bit more bitter, but still alive!  Fuck yeah!

 

And you know what?  From what you've written, it sounds like you got yourself out by ripping off those damn jesus goggles (how many people end their lives with those goggles still firmly in place after decades of indoctrination through family and church?) and seeing the truth.  You learned; you moved ahead.  You did it!  You suffer from bipolar experiences, yet you STILL can get yourself out of xianity.  Fuck yeah!!!!

 

Glory!

[RipVanWinkle]

Alcohol is an escape which can be a tragedy. Fundamental Xtianity is an escape which will be a tragedy.  bill

[Davidh2000]

I came to faith 17 yrs ago, i really relate to your post. For me i had no religious upbringing i grew up in the care system, i was pretty messed up at 17 and tried to end my life in my car and had a powerful sense of peace. I ended up back on the streets after that and got took in by a christian placement. I came to faith after a few wks of being there in my bedroom one night. I had a powerful conversion and i was instantly on fire for faith i was really on peoples cases then, i struggle with the fact i had lots of profound experiences and some deeply disturbing ones. These disturbing ones ultimatley broke me i have gone away from faith then found myself returning lots of times in the past but same things happened all the time it really screwed my head up, all the guilt, intense doubt, fear, trying to work out what everything means and everwhere u ask theres a different answer nobody in the church can help u, stuff like that. i am still trying to recover i am living with christians now which is awkward. I am doing so much research and the more i do this the more i find stuff that answers my doubts. I am still at a stage where i am struggling with fear from faith, Hell e,c,t i realise how much stuff has got hold of me its tough to break free.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Thank you for posting this my brother, one good thing to come out of your tragic experience is that your success in getting and staying free can inspire others.  It inspired me.

[sparklingphoenix]

Although my experience was really different to yours. I can relate to missing out on life. I'm still pretty young, but I felt so constricted by religion that I missed out on a lot of things young people do. Now that I'm done with religion, I still have a chronic illness, so I can't even do crazy young people stuff anymore. Fucking christianity stole the little amount of youth I had when I still had my health. grrr. Anyways life still goes on and at least we have our freedom. We can still find ways to enjoy life and be happy. Your story is really great and encouraging. Having any kind of illness is difficult and religion always makes it worse.  Glad you made it out of the fold and are staying strong. I'm trying too! 

[Margee]

I'm so happy you are doing well Brother Jeff. This is for you tonight...... (We could all learn these valuable words)

 

[Margee]

 It's one heck of a wild ride, isn't it my friend!!  We are making it!!

 

..........go listen to this..........What a song!!!

Love, Sister Margee  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ubH7dLJJiE&feature=kp

[rach]

Your experience of becoming a religious fanatic in record time and of having the "re-conversion experiences" is just like me.  And just like you I went into a religious mania and was annoying everybody around me by only talking about Jesus and the Bible.  I now can look back and see it as a mental thing and not a religious thing.  I am not bipolar but I suffer from depression, trauma from the sudden loss of my parents, autism, trauma from having been bullied a lot and being poor and all that......well all those things conflated and one night as I was home alone I listened to someone's testimony about how we will go to hell without salvation and BOOM.  Instant religious fanatic.  I can look back and see that I was in an extremely vulnerable position, I had been put through some hellish experiences (my emotions having recognized that God did not protect me from suffering on earth and would therefore not hesitate to send me to suffer in hell after death if I "deserved" it), I had been primed for religious belief by years of childhood indoctrination.  It really had nothing to do with desiring the religion or desiring a holier-than-thou lifestyle, rather it had everything to do with fear, emotional trauma and susceptibility to belief, and a desperate need to have a solid black-and-white good-and-evil view of a scary world that I couldn't control. 

 

When I look back at my time as a Christian fanatic it is mortifyingly embarrassing but at the same time it is not fair to hold myself responsible for my bizarre thoughts and actions during that time.  The perfect storm of emotional and mental states can easily push us over the edge into addiction, certainly that includes religious addiction.  I was more sincere and serious about it than any Christian I have ever, ever encountered.  At least I can say I did it all in innocence and was never hypocritical about it.  I was one of the few who really, seriously would have "gouged out their eye if it offend thee" (as horrifying as that is to admit)

[seeker001]

The most dangerous thing for anybody to do is think, "It could never happen to me." To think that, you might as well take the rear view mirrors off your car while you are at it.  As a teenager, I studied cults such as the Mansons, Jonestown, the Asch Experiment, what I sought was to try to understand why and how. I'm still not sure what was it about that topic that fascinates me, but it is clear to me that there is a lot of power in peer pressure. There is something fundamental to human nature that causes people to cave to external pressure to a certain extent. You are far from the first to be clouded by zealotry, but the important thing is you broke away from it. Some live their whole lives locked within their bubble, and that is a very sad place to be.

 

What I learned reading through this site, while I still don't think passion is a bad thing, but it needs to be tempered with reality. Passion in the absence of reason is zealotry. Even mainstream religions can be dangerous and have the potential to be just as bad as any cult, they just have better publicity. Before committing to any religion, always read through some of their religious texts cover to cover before committing. Do not listen to the priests/guru/pastures alone, they have an agenda. If there is something they to disregard or it is too advanced for your state, that is a red flag sign to bookmark it and read it.

 

Giving credit where credit is due, if there was nothing good in Christianity, than people would not willingly join. I still don't think everything in Christianity is bad, there are some things that are worth considering. I like the concept of redemption that no matter how bad one was before that there is a second chance and hope to become a better person. Redemption and hope are very powerful things, and I think in a way we all seek actualization and a better understanding of the world. However, some paths to do so are more dangerous and destructive than others. I think the casual Christian followers are those who are keeping some element of reason alive which is why they are agreeable taking what they see as the best elements. However, to associate with a group is to open yourself to cognitive dissonance, which is why they probably don't entirely see the dark to their faith. But I digress.

 

I could go on, but the point is what you went through can happen to anybody. Speaking about your experience is helpful not only for yourself but for others as well.

 

edit: Took out the first sentence, didn't sound right to me

[jdog]

Big hugs to you brother Jeff. You have been through so much. I'm so glad you are here sharing your story and freedom with us.

I have seen your re-conversion posts here in the past and the struggles you've had and I knew it was linked to the bi polar and I have felt so badly for the torment you've suffered.

And I am really glad you are doing well now. Free from all of that.

 

The main thing is that you are out now. You were young and vulnerable when you got hooked on Jebus. We were all duped. None of us knew any better. it's important to mourn those years that you had lost but not to hang on to it. Gotta let it go.

It's kinda like an innocent prisoner who has done time in prison then gets out. He's glad he's free and has processed the anger of losing his freedom long ago but is still sad when he reflects upon how many years of his life he has lost but he aims to let the past go and is determined to live the remainder of his free life to the fullest

 

You are free my brother. Enjoy!

[Brother Jeff]

 It's one heck of a wild ride, isn't it my friend!!  We are making it!!

 

..........go listen to this..........What a song!!!

 

Love, Sister Margee  

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ubH7dLJJiE&feature=kp

 

Love that song! Thanks, Sister! Glory!

[traveller2]

My heart goes out to you Jeff, your extimony was moving and clearly alot of folk relate to it.i do too.i realy struggle with the same concept of best yrs of life wasted on christian BS.Don't know the answer yet.I am glad you got out.i nearly got out in 2000 but went back to it and was in it another 7 yrs.we are all here for you pal.

[traveller2]

I came to faith 17 yrs ago, i really relate to your post. For me i had no religious upbringing i grew up in the care system, i was pretty messed up at 17 and tried to end my life in my car and had a powerful sense of peace. I ended up back on the streets after that and got took in by a christian placement. I came to faith after a few wks of being there in my bedroom one night. I had a powerful conversion and i was instantly on fire for faith i was really on peoples cases then, i struggle with the fact i had lots of profound experiences and some deeply disturbing ones. These disturbing ones ultimatley broke me i have gone away from faith then found myself returning lots of times in the past but same things happened all the time it really screwed my head up, all the guilt, intense doubt, fear, trying to work out what everything means and everwhere u ask theres a different answer nobody in the church can help u, stuff like that. i am still trying to recover i am living with christians now which is awkward. I am doing so much research and the more i do this the more i find stuff that answers my doubts. I am still at a stage where i am struggling with fear from faith, Hell e,c,t i realise how much stuff has got hold of me its tough to break free.

 

Hi David,welcome to this forum.I got 'saved' at 17 too.There are quite a few brits on this forum; icluding a good few in their thirties and we have all probably got some simlar memories of chrisitianity in the 90's and 00's specific to the UK tho from expereince the north american ex christians here have had expereinces that are very similar tho in a diferent culture and can help you ALOT.i hope you can stick around mate and continue your recovery from christianity.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

It had everything to do with fear, emotional trauma and susceptibility to belief, and a desperate need to have a solid black-and-white good-and-evil view of a scary world that I couldn't control. 

That's how it was for me too.  Thanks for crystallising it so well.

[ApostateAwoken]

Thank you, Brother Jeff. Glory be to your common sense for bringing you here

 

Yes, you lost the 15 years, but now you've used those to help others like me deconvert. Without people like you who have been "around the bend" and deconverted, this teenage girl typing to you right now probably wouldn't be on this forum. She'd be reading her Bible and wondering if there were people like you out there as she tried to suppress the doubts.

 

You've turned a horrible experience into good for others, and ultimately, what more can anyone ask for their life? Don't get me wrong, it absolutely sucks that you lost so many years to a mind virus, but now you're the wiser for it and you helped at least one person avoid making the same mistakes.

 

Glory! ~ 

[Ellinas]

Brother Jeff, you clearly have had a major struggle with religion and quite possibly suffered additional health issues as a result.  Nevertheless, might I suggest that regret over lost years may not be the best way to look at this - unless perhaps getting angry over it provides you with the impetus to deal with the "re-conversion" issues that have arisen from time to time.

 

Bottom line, you are what you are because of what you have been, and that includes your Christian experiences.  Whatever you might have been had you never been caught up in religious mania none of us will ever know.  But you have obtained the experience, maturity and strength that goes with having gone through that and come out the other side.  And there are doubtless those on this site that are grateful for the insights that you can give as a result.

 

You can't change your past, but you can live in the present and shape your future.  Is it better to use your experience in that light rather than regret it?  Or is your reaction to that experience your way of using it?  (I'm not expecting you necessarily to post answers to those questions, but just.thought it might be something to think about if you've not done so already).

 

I have tried to write this in a fashion that will avoid sounding patronising.  I hope I've succeeded.  If not, no offence meant.

[Brother Jeff]

Brother Jeff, you clearly have had a major struggle with religion and quite possibly suffered additional health issues as a result.  Nevertheless, might I suggest that regret over lost years may not be the best way to look at this - unless perhaps getting angry over it provides you with the impetus to deal with the "re-conversion" issues that have arisen from time to time.

 

Bottom line, you are what you are because of what you have been, and that includes your Christian experiences.  Whatever you might have been had you never been caught up in religious mania none of us will ever know.  But you have obtained the experience, maturity and strength that goes with having gone through that and come out the other side.  And there are doubtless those on this site that are grateful for the insights that you can give as a result.

 

You can't change your past, but you can live in the present and shape your future.  Is it better to use your experience in that light rather than regret it?  Or is your reaction to that experience your way of using it?  (I'm not expecting you necessarily to post answers to those questions, but just.thought it might be something to think about if you've not done so already).

 

I have tried to write this in a fashion that will avoid sounding patronising.  I hope I've succeeded.  If not, no offence meant.

 

You're right, Brother Ellinas, and I appreciate your thoughts. I sometimes envy my younger sister her normal life. She hasn't had to struggle with mental illness, and while she has some spiritual beliefs, she has never gotten caught up in fundamentalist fanatic religion. But you are right that I can't change the past and that I am shaped as a person by my experiences, including my Christian experience. I love my life in the here and now of 2014 and I look forward to a bright and normal future, free of religion! Glory!

[Brother Jeff]

Brother Jeff, yes, you lost those 15 years to religion.  And you're right, you'll never get those years back.  That is truly something to mourn.  

 

But you got out!  And you did it in 15 years, not 30 or 45.  Or never. 

 

And we all have regrets for lost years or decades, to different things.  When I'm in a bad mood, I roll around in my regrets and linger there way too long thinking of my own horrible decade+, and more years after that where I basically beat my head on the wall and couldn't get ahead.  When I'm in a good mood, I enjoy knowing that I'm the one that got MYSELF out of the bad situations, and moved myself ahead, and maybe, just maybe, learned something from the bad times that can help me out now or help me help someone else with a similar thing.  And if nothing else, I survived the bad shit; I'm still alive!  A bit more cynical, a bit more bitter, but still alive!  Fuck yeah!

 

And you know what?  From what you've written, it sounds like you got yourself out by ripping off those damn jesus goggles (how many people end their lives with those goggles still firmly in place after decades of indoctrination through family and church?) and seeing the truth.  You learned; you moved ahead.  You did it!  You suffer from bipolar experiences, yet you STILL can get yourself out of xianity.  Fuck yeah!!!!

 

Glory!

 

Yes, Sister Amateur! I can still get myself out of religion even if I get caught back up in it if I have a manic episode! Glory! I ripped those damn Jesus Goggles off a long time ago and they are staying off!! Bless the Lard! Glory!

[amateur]

^^You're awesome!!!!!  

 

[Brother Jeff]

^^You're awesome!!!!!  

 

 

Bless the Lard, Sister! So are you! Hall-lay-LOOH-Yah!! Glory!

[amateur]

"Mutual Admiration Society Meeting" beginning RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Hey, Brother Jeff, we got our lives back from xianity, we have overcome a lot of problems, we've moved on with our lives, we've dealt (and deal with) our issues, we've learned, we've quit being afraid of learning and growing, and we did it OURSELVES!  No invisible sky daddy helped us, WE DID IT!!!

[Brother Jeff]

"Mutual Admiration Society Meeting" beginning RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Hey, Brother Jeff, we got our lives back from xianity, we have overcome a lot of problems, we've moved on with our lives, we've dealt (and deal with) our issues, we've learned, we've quit being afraid of learning and growing, and we did it OURSELVES!  No invisible sky daddy helped us, WE DID IT!!!

 

Amen, Sister! Preach it! That's the TRUTH! Glory!

[amateur]

 

"Mutual Admiration Society Meeting" beginning RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Hey, Brother Jeff, we got our lives back from xianity, we have overcome a lot of problems, we've moved on with our lives, we've dealt (and deal with) our issues, we've learned, we've quit being afraid of learning and growing, and we did it OURSELVES!  No invisible sky daddy helped us, WE DID IT!!!

 

Amen, Sister! Preach it! That's the TRUTH! Glory!

 

Brother Jeff, we are so fucking awesome!!!!!  Oh yes we are!!!!  

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

"Mutual Admiration Society Meeting" beginning RIGHT NOW!!!

 

Hey, Brother Jeff, we got our lives back from xianity, we have overcome a lot of problems, we've moved on with our lives, we've dealt (and deal with) our issues, we've learned, we've quit being afraid of learning and growing, and we did it OURSELVES!  No invisible sky daddy helped us, WE DID IT!!!

 

Amen, Sister! Preach it! That's the TRUTH! Glory!

 

Brother Jeff, we are so fucking awesome!!!!!  Oh yes we are!!!!  

 

You two are funny.  You brightened my day, bro/sis.