My Testimony To Date

[Ousian]

Hello all.  I joined this site a few days ago, and I'm really loving it so far.  I've been looking for a community like this for a long time, and I'm really excited to have found this forum.  I did post a quasi-testimonial here on this site and here on reddit, but I'd thought I would put up a full testimony of my deconversion experience for anybody who would be interested and future reference.

 

For context, I was raised in a fundamentalist household in an almost entirely reformed Christian family.  I've attended the same church for about 15 years: a Presbyterian, PCA Church here in Houston, TX; my family was one of the original founding members.  Having been around so long, my family is very ingrained in the church's culture; we are not your average church-goer.  My Dad is one of the most senior Elders.  My Mom is involved with multiple church committees and regularly organizes church dinners/lunches.  I myself am involved in a number of areas including nursery, ushering, AV/sound booth, and helping with the youth group.  My two younger brothers are involved in similar areas.  Our family attends two services a Sunday and multiple other church functions throughout the week (youth group, various Bible studies, your typical auxiliary religious activities).  As with many other families here in the heart of the Bible belt, my family decided to home-school me and my brothers.  There's is a very tight-knit group here of those who are both home-schooling families and attend my particular church.  I regret pretty much everything about the way I was raised, on a daily basis.  I graduated High School last spring and am now finishing up my freshman year at the University of Houston.

 

As with many other people, my deconversion has been a rather slow process.  It all started approximately a year ago.  The first issue that really moved me to question my religion (though not my faith necessarily) was some of the more "politically incorrect" instructions of my church.  No matter how much I tried to rationalize it, I couldn't accept their position towards LGBT individuals and women (homosexuality is an "abomination," women are to be submissive and are unsuitable for positions of significant authority, etc.).  It was last summer following my graduation where I had a pretty significant amount of free time and researched atheism and apologetics, ironically to further my ability to debate non-Christians.  I watched a myriad of Youtube videos and started reading atheist blogs/articles more seriously, as opposed to the brief, overtly dismissive exposure to opposing viewpoints I had been given previously.  It was around this time that I became afraid that I may not actually be a Christian as I didn't feel especially "spiritual" and had never had any sense of God's forgiveness like many who convert later in their life seem to possess.  To be doubly sure, I began praying that if I was not a Christian, that Jesus would enter my heart and forgive me, to no avail.  

 

College was both a breath of fresh air and an overwhelmingly different experience for me.  All of a sudden I was exposed to people of different ethnicities, religious beliefs, and cultural heritages (Houston is renowned for its cultural diversity).  Due to really only associating with white, middle class, reformed Christians, this was an enlightening experience.  I half expected people who were different from my background to be judgmental and bigoted; many Christians are educated to believe they are both in the minority in America and oppressed, which couldn't be further from the truth.  What I found was an amazingly friendly, wonderfully accepting pool of varying individuals.

 

It was within the first few weeks of my college experience that I finally came to terms with my own lack of faith.  The combination of a summer of researching atheism and this exposure to the outside world lead me to look critically and objectively at my own beliefs.  As many other Christian kids who transition from high school to college and adulthood, I tried to "make my faith my own."  I quickly came to the realization my faith was not in fact my own, but rather the fictitious product of years of indoctrination and brainwashing with no chance to question my own ideology, much less pursue any other.  I realized I had some serious problems with Christianity.  The problem of evil, the paradoxical nature of the trinity, the subjectivity in Christian doctrine, the formation of a worldview by starting with an assumption and working backwards, the outright rejection of any opposing viewpoint, the blind reliance on a document dating back two millennium, contradictions within said text, the incompatibility with science and the overwhelming general lack of evidence all bothered me.  These were issues I had had with Christianity for years in fact, but I had just suppressed them, assuming they could all be explained away.  After approximately a month in college, I finally garnered the courage to admit to myself that I was no longer a Christian.

 

That brings me to now.  I am in essentially the same position as described in the beginning: very immersed in the church's culture.  I'm also somewhat involved in a Christian group at college.  I'm at a point where I am ready and willing to come out to the world as an atheist, but unable to do so due to the nature of my dependence on my parents.  I am working towards financial independence, planning on living on campus the next semester (currently commuting), and am joining the army.  My plan is to establish financial independence and find a place of my own as soon as possible, hopefully within the next couple years, so I don't have to live this lie any more.  I am still undecided as to how involved I should be with my family and friends after I come out of the closet.  I would love for them to remain a part of my life, but I'm not sure if that's possible anymore.

 

Thanks to anybody who bothered to read this whole thing .  More than anything else, this testimony serves as an outlet for reflection on the last year of my life.

 

N.B. To anybody looking for other ex-Christian resources, I've found reddit to be a great source.  The following sub-reddits in particular have given me some advice and are worth checking out:

http://www.reddit.com/r/exchristian/

http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/

http://www.reddit.com/r/TrueAtheism/

http://www.reddit.com/r/AtheismComingOut/

 

If anybody knows of any other sites to complement/supplement this site, I'd love to know about them.  I'm trying to become as involved as possible in a secular lifestyle.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome to freedom!  A very well written piece, good luck with your plans.

[Adam5]

Hi Bluelobster, welcome to the forum.  I enjoyed reading your testimony.  It must be tough having a family so ingrained in the church culture.  Good luck.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

Just one point, concerning your family in particular and friends to a lesser extent.

 

In due time, when you are free to be yourself outwardly, I would counsel against cutting them off.  Leave it to them to decide whether to cut you off.  That way you'll save yourself a lot of guilt trips and possibly force them to confront their own beliefs.

[Ousian]

Welcome.

 

Just one point, concerning your family in particular and friends to a lesser extent.

 

In due time, when you are free to be yourself outwardly, I would counsel against cutting them off.  Leave it to them to decide whether to cut you off.  That way you'll save yourself a lot of guilt trips and possibly force them to confront their own beliefs.

I know it must sound awful, but I've considered doing it because it'll save both of us a lot of grief if I'm not constantly as a reminder.  Furthermore, with everything I'm involved in, it's going to be very difficult to break free while still staying where I am now.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

Welcome.

 

Just one point, concerning your family in particular and friends to a lesser extent.

 

In due time, when you are free to be yourself outwardly, I would counsel against cutting them off.  Leave it to them to decide whether to cut you off.  That way you'll save yourself a lot of guilt trips and possibly force them to confront their own beliefs.

I know it must sound awful, but I've considered doing it because it'll save both of us a lot of grief if I'm not constantly as a reminder.  Furthermore, with everything I'm involved in, it's going to be very difficult to break free while still staying where I am now.

 

Concentrate on saving yourself the grief, and allow them to decide whether and how to manage their own grief themselves.  I would suggest preparing for the worst but not cutting them off.  It is possible that they will want to maintain some contact with you afterwards, if you don't leave room for that you will never know what they would have wanted. If they decide to cut you off then you will have the moral high ground, plus it leaves room for them to change their minds later. 

[sdelsolray]

Childhood indoctrination by trusted adults is the primary cause of Christian faith and belief.  Peer pressure from family, friends and others similarly indoctrinated is the primary cause of continuing to adhere to Christian faith and belief.  There are other influences and causal items that I won't mention at this time.

 

You have undone the indoctrination within yourself.  But you are afraid or unwilling to honestly address the peer pressure.  This is a common situation.  Codependancy is not your friend.  Enabling others with their continued addiction to Christian faith and belief is unhealthy, and likely immoral.

 

Courage is your friend, as well as honesty and integrity.

[xtify]

Welcome, Bluel0bster,

 

That was very interesting to read.  I can understand your disappointment with being homeschooled and raised as a christian.  It is a shame.  The good news is that you are young and you seem to be headed in a better direction.  Like you mentioned, it's a good idea to keep moving towards a position of financial stability.  

[Ellinas]

 

Welcome.

 

Just one point, concerning your family in particular and friends to a lesser extent.

 

In due time, when you are free to be yourself outwardly, I would counsel against cutting them off.  Leave it to them to decide whether to cut you off.  That way you'll save yourself a lot of guilt trips and possibly force them to confront their own beliefs.

I know it must sound awful, but I've considered doing it because it'll save both of us a lot of grief if I'm not constantly as a reminder.  Furthermore, with everything I'm involved in, it's going to be very difficult to break free while still staying where I am now.

 

It sounds more confused than terrible, at least to my ear.

 

There's a difference between moving far enough away to give yourself some breathing space and cutting off your family.

 

If you ,make your position known, yes you can expect pressure - and having some space will help with that.  But you may find that completely cutting all ties will be a far more serious form of grief to all concerned than maintaining contact.  If your family do not see it that way, you can rest assured that they'll do the "cutting", and your conscience will be clear.  Remember, it's easier to burn a bridge than to mend it - so best to leave the burning and the worst of the regrets to others.

[Ousian]

But you may find that completely cutting all ties will be a far more serious form of grief to all concerned than maintaining contact.  If your family do not see it that way, you can rest assured that they'll do the "cutting", and your conscience will be clear.  Remember, it's easier to burn a bridge than to mend it - so best to leave the burning and the worst of the regrets to others.

I like this.  Still trying to figure out how I should handle it.  Whatever I do, I know I need to be completely financially independent before I come out.  What happens after I'm still trying to figure out; I don't know anybody who's gone through anything like this before.

 

On one hand I want to stay close to my family because they are my family and I want them to be a part of my life.  On the other, I still haven't forgiven my parents for the way I was raised and knowing my family and church acquaintances, they will do everything in their power to try and reconvert me.  I don't think I can handle as much pressure as I'm going to be getting as soon as I come out.  Finding the balance between establishing my own life outside of religion and still being involved with family/friends who are religious is going to be tricky.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

But you may find that completely cutting all ties will be a far more serious form of grief to all concerned than maintaining contact.  If your family do not see it that way, you can rest assured that they'll do the "cutting", and your conscience will be clear.  Remember, it's easier to burn a bridge than to mend it - so best to leave the burning and the worst of the regrets to others.

I like this.  Still trying to figure out how I should handle it.  Whatever I do, I know I need to be completely financially independent before I come out.  What happens after I'm still trying to figure out; I don't know anybody who's gone through anything like this before.

 

On one hand I want to stay close to my family because they are my family and I want them to be a part of my life.  On the other, I still haven't forgiven my parents for the way I was raised and knowing my family and church acquaintances, they will do everything in their power to try and reconvert me.  I don't think I can handle as much pressure as I'm going to be getting as soon as I come out.  Finding the balance between establishing my own life outside of religion and still being involved with family/friends who are religious is going to be tricky.

 

This is exactly why I recommend waiting, then establishing an independent life at least 300 miles away, and then coming out.

 

Whether you are able to have any involvement with them after that point will depend on their reaction.  They will have the power to cut you off whether you want them to or not.  There are two worst case scenarios - total divorce or pressure to reconvert.  Between now and then you have plenty of time to come to terms with how you would feel about either scenario.  As long as you can stay closeted, you don't have to process those scenarios right now.

 

And, you do know people who have been through this before... many of us here.

[Ellinas]

As you realize and FreeThinkerNZ indicates, the tactics of this are difficult, and you need to get them right.  But precisely how to handle this has to be a matter for your judgement as no two families are exactly alike.

 

At this stage, the important thing is to bide your time and achieve the economic means to take whatever action is necessary, it seems to me.  If you any more specific advice on options, don't hesitate to post....