AnastasiaTuggle Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I have not really told my story other than in my personal blog when I "came out" as an atheist to those close to me. When I did this I had an overwhelming response from aunts, uncles, friends, past neighbors asking me to change my mind. Others viewed it as a passing trend I had fallen into and they made promises to pray for me and hope my anger with God would diminish and I would return. Hopefully, here I can find rest and support and I also hope my testimony comforts others. Looking back at my childhood I am often surprised that I had any chance at all for escaping Christianity. I grew up in a fundamentalist Baptist preachers home. I attended every youth conference I could get to, did personal devotions, and was present at my fathers church for every service. I believed all of it. I often wish I had doubted more growing up so I would not feel so foolish now. I was the kind of kid who evangelized on the playground at the park. Yeah, I was that kid. In elementary school I attended a little, private Christian school, then in junior high my family began homeschooling. My entire world became my family unit and my homeschooled cooperative group. Typing homeschool cooperative now makes me think the whole thing sounds a little cult-y and I cringe even writing it. There were so many little incremental deaths to my faith that it is difficult for me to trace it all of the way through. One of the first cracks in my belief was my parents. My mother experienced various illness for my entire childhood. Some were physical but many were psychological. My siblings and I were confined to the home while my father was at work with a mother who had untreated mental illness. She also had physical illnesses and I bore the brunt of the household responsibilities due to being home schooled. She would be able to magically get well when Sunday rolled around and she needed to go to church. She would praise God for testing her faith. When I was about 16 there was one church service I remember that began the slow death of my faith. We were sitting in church and she was once again praising God for his goodness. My father, in a stroke of luck, preached afterwards on Job. God tested Job by killing his children. God protected Job, but his children were only pawns in the life of Job. Panic struck me. Was I only a pawn in my mothers life? This did not mesh with the God I thought loved me. Yet, if there was a benevolent God where was he in my life? My mother had recently had a six month long nervous breakdown. During that time I bathed her, fed her, and homeschooled my siblings- and was only 15 myself as I went through this. This was not the first instance like this or last. If there was a God then I was like Job's children. I was only a footnote in my saintly mothers story. These doubts were not enough to kill my faith but I began questioning. Often my father provided me with apologetic texts and it was enough to soothe my doubts for a time. My faith was often intertwined with my relationship with my father. God the Father and my physical father were one in the same often in my reasoning. Both had the perceived ability to restrict my freedom, claimed to love me, and my behavior had to always honor them both. When I graduated high school I tried to attended two different bible colleges but only lasted a year at both. During that period I knew my faith was dying, but I was desperate to believe. There was no other option in my family, and I wanted to belong. I had no sense of independence. Even with my doubts I still believed that my father was my ruler. My junior year of college I transferred to a local state college. I lived at home so my parents would be okay with it and got a job.My parents left the same rules in place I had gone by at 16. Ten pm curfew, no dating only courtship, and my work and class schedules were to be posted on the family note board. Despite this, I had more freedom than I ever had by having a real job and I got my drivers license for the first time at 21 as well. My first taste of real freedom was like food to a starving man- I needed it but I binged until I was sick. An engaged man almost my fathers age took interest in me and still living in the mindset that I was passive and dependent on men was dangerous fuel for him. I had two lives. I worked in the church and was the model child at home, and I also had something that was mine- my secret relationship. Needless to say, I was unable to keep up with it. My parents found out and convinced me I was never saved. I had been date raped by this man (losing my virginity) just prior to my parents finding out and was vulnerable to whatever they wanted me to do. I confessed some of my transgressions before my fathers church and was baptized for the second time. After baptism I remember standing in the mirror looking at myself dripping with water. I started shaking. I knew what I had attempted was a lie. That was the moment I knew, but I did not want that knowledge. I kept up the facade of Christianity for a few more YEARS. I would like to say that logic won out instantly but it isn't true. There was a comfort in the hymns, the fellowship, and prayer. I taught Sunday school still even. I did not want to lose my family or my church family. During this period of my life I met my husband. He was an atheist and it interested me. I was still socially holding onto religion to ease my guilt. He was a well read atheist who knew how to defend his position. As I researched ways to counter his arguments I weakened my own. After we were married I stopped going to church all together. My male centric view of faith and family allowed my marriage to lessen my guilt as I was in line with my husband. (Again, I cringe at this. I pride myself on my feminism, but some programming dies hard.) I dabbled with Wicca for a while as a way to explore my spirituality. This was passing. The more I read and studied for myself the less I was able to believe in any type of supernatural forces. Since leaving the church, then coming out as an atheist about six months ago, I have faced the most difficult period of my life. While I was experimenting with Wicca my parents decided to hold prayer meetings praying for infertility for me and my husband. They told the church that we are unfit to bring life into the world. This, and other things, led to me cutting them out of my life completely because of constant hurt they were causing and their attempts to drive a wedge into my marriage. It also caused me to see the rampant abuse I endured as a child. I have only admitted the loneliness of it all to my husband, but he hardly understands it having never been in the church. I have no connection to my past life other than one grandmother who is still trying to pray me back into the church. I know it will get better. I made it through my first openly Atheist Easter season and survived Here's to many more. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted April 21, 2014 Moderator Share Posted April 21, 2014 Thanks for sharing, Anastasia. I'm sorry to hear that your fundy family has been so hard on you. Building new relationships is hard, but there are lots of good people out there (and on this forum). Welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted April 21, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted April 21, 2014 Wow, what a gut-wrenching story. But a happy ending, at least. You are safe here; and we will do whatever we can to help you heal and move forward. I, too, had a rough childhood under very demanding and controlling parents. Fortunately for me, I've been able to be as open as I care to be about my lack of belief. They usually don't even try to argue, because they know they will lose. I say that not to brag, just to demonstrate to you that things truly do get better. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MadameX Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Ya can't choose your family. You did the right thing. You do not deserve such cruel people. I really applaud your pluck and courage! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Sounds like you've suffered a particularly cruel and controlling form of Christianity - the refusal to accept your rejection of it being just another attempt at control. Welcome to freedom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I'm so glad you are here. You deserve to be happy, and safe, and free. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R. S. Martin Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you for sharing your story, Anastasia. You were homeschooled for high school? Someone taught you well. Your post demonstrates excellent writing skills. And you were homeschooling your siblings while caring for an invalid mother at the age of fifteen? You must be a very talented person. I'm glad you're here...This is coming out all wrong and probably doesn't sound encouraging like it's supposed to. So I'll just say "Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparklingphoenix Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 Congrats on your deconversion! I'm so sorry for what your parents put you through. I can relate because both of my parents have some personality disorders and have a lot of emotional problems. You shouldn't have been expected to take care of your family at such a young age. They should have been taking care of you, no matter what you believe. Enjoy the freedom you have now, and welcome to ex-C Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pratt Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 welcome and WHAT THE FUCK,,,, your parents praying that you and your hubby will not have kids? there is definitely more to life than the church 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnastasiaTuggle Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Reading everyone's encouragement is so refreshing. Living in the good ol' Midwest I rarely have any constructive conversations about deconversion. Thanks for all the support! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnastasiaTuggle Posted April 22, 2014 Author Share Posted April 22, 2014 Thank you for sharing your story, Anastasia. You were homeschooled for high school? Someone taught you well. Your post demonstrates excellent writing skills. And you were homeschooling your siblings while caring for an invalid mother at the age of fifteen? You must be a very talented person. I'm glad you're here...This is coming out all wrong and probably doesn't sound encouraging like it's supposed to. So I'll just say "Welcome to the forums and thanks for sharing." As to my writing skills...I have heard this before (not patting myself on the back but I think I came out of homeschooling better than I could have) and I really attribute it to reading ALL of the time as a kid. I did not really fit in anywhere I was and I would read anything I could get my hands on- which was probably what saved me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HulkDeez Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Wow... Thanks for sharing... Very much appreciated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverlandrut Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Reading everyone's encouragement is so refreshing. Living in the good ol' Midwest I rarely have any constructive conversations about deconversion. Thanks for all the support! What a story!! I recently reconverted as well. It's so refreshing not to be bogged down by unnecessary guilt. Midwest huh? I live in the south and thought that kind of closed mindedness only existed here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverlandrut Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Wow, what a gut-wrenching story. But a happy ending, at least. You are safe here; and we will do whatever we can to help you heal and move forward. I, too, had a rough childhood under very demanding and controlling parents. Fortunately for me, I've been able to be as open as I care to be about my lack of belief. They usually don't even try to argue, because they know they will lose. I say that not to brag, just to demonstrate to you that things truly do get better. I've read several of your responses including your responses to my posts. Thank you for being so encouraging! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted May 2, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted May 2, 2014 Wow, what a gut-wrenching story. But a happy ending, at least. You are safe here; and we will do whatever we can to help you heal and move forward. I, too, had a rough childhood under very demanding and controlling parents. Fortunately for me, I've been able to be as open as I care to be about my lack of belief. They usually don't even try to argue, because they know they will lose. I say that not to brag, just to demonstrate to you that things truly do get better. I've read several of your responses including your responses to my posts. Thank you for being so encouraging! We do what we can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bfuddled Posted May 2, 2014 Share Posted May 2, 2014 Wow, congrats on escaping. It's stories like this that solidify my disbelief. The way the church treats (or more accurately, doesn't treat) mental illness has caused so much pain and trauma to people, it's unreal. Instead of getting your mother the help she needed, your parents made a child her caregiver. I am so sorry for the crap you had to go thru as a result of your parents' decisions, I am glad that you have your husband to help you walk thru this time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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