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Goodbye Jesus

Locked In The Christian Closet


AnonymousCoward

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I began my deconversion (is reversion the proper term here?) about a month or two ago. Since then I've made no progress in telling any of my Christian friends and family that I've left the faith. I know people on here have told me that I don't have to disclose that I've left, but being with Christian friends and family and faking it is getting painful.

 

Every time I meet up with a Christian friend or talk to my parents, I prepare myself for finally telling the truth thinking through my "story" and how to explain why I no longer believe. However, when I get there, I choke. I just can't go through with it. I continue to fake it.

 

I explain to people that I left my current church due to the recent turmoil there and that worked for a while to distance myself from church. However, now I have friends from other churches inviting me to their church, friends/leaders from my old church wanting to meet with me regularly to make sure I make the transition to a new church well (and still have Christian community while I'm looking), and even my parents from hundreds of miles away sending me church suggestions.

 

I can't keep doing this, but I can't tell the truth about what I believe. Help!

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It sounds like you need to get it over with.  Would it be easier for you to write a letter or send an email?  You will still have to deal with the fall-out, but you will have plenty of time to choose your words and re-visit your approach.

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Yeah, it does sound to me like it's time to just get it over with.  The first conversation you have will likely be the hardest.  It should get easier with each person you come out to.  TrueFreedom's suggestion of writing a letter or an email is a good one.  Write everything down first, revisit it, revise it; and when you're ready, hit the send button.  Having your thoughts clarified on paper will help you remember what you need to say if you want to actually sit down with some of these people face to face. 

 

And come back here to vent and rant when things don't go according to plan (as sometimes happens).

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Writing it out first is a great idea.  If you want to post with the points you're going to make, or even the draft email itself, I'm sure people here would help you out with ideas etc.  I would be happy to cast an eye over it for you.

 

I haven't come out to my family yet because it's still early days for me and I'm not under daily pressure to fake it like you are.  But it will be soon, and I know I will want to run it past my new friends here to get their thoughts on it before I send the email.

 

Are you totally surrounded by xians, like at work, all your friends etc?  Do you live in or near a big city where you can likely meet other nonbelievers?

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Writing it out first is a great idea.  If you want to post with the points you're going to make, or even the draft email itself, I'm sure people here would help you out with ideas etc.  I would be happy to cast an eye over it for you.

That's a really good idea.

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You can also start by telling the person whom you trust most to keep it to him or herself. Somebody who's nice and tolerant of other views. Just be very clear that they shouldn't tell anyone. I hope you have such a person.

 

Otherwise you can try and find a non-christian friend. For them it's not a problem that you leave Christianity, so you can just start easy and tell someone like them. Perhaps they can even offer you advice, who knows perhaps they've been raised as Christians.

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Agree with the others: you should come out.  I personally will be coming out as soon as is feasibly possible for me.  I feel as if I can't really live life to the fullest when living a complete lie and destroying my own integrity.  The same may be true for you as well. 

 

If it helps, come out slowly.  As Dagny suggested, tell a close friend who will keep your secret in confidence.  When you're ready, start telling others.  I think a gradual coming out would be easier than coming out to everybody all at once.

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As to whether you should "come out" - seems like you've made your decision..

 

In which case, the sooner it's done, the quicker it ceases to be an issue.

 

You'll probably only need to tell a few for all your Christian contacts to find out.  In fact you may need to be thinking more of how to deal with the conversations they may want to have with you (though, of course, you needn't put up with being preached at).

 

Think first what you  wish to say (whether or not you write it) and choose the people you will speak to carefully.  Beyond that, there's little I can think of to add.

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Thanks all for the replies.

 

It's funny, as soon as I decided, "I'm really doing this and leaving Christianity," I immediately drafted up a 2000-word Facebook post explaining how I felt God had abandoned me in my life and that I was taking a break from pursuing God in response to this. My plan was to post it and then never talk to a Christian ever again. After thinking it through, I decided cutting off contact with Christians is unrealistic (especially since my parents are Christians) and I owed it to at least my parents to not let them find out over Facebook, or even worse from some friend of mine they know. Now that my thinking has changed so drastically in the last month, I should at least go back and read/modify that letter so that I can get my thoughts in order.

 

 

 

If it helps, come out slowly.  As Dagny suggested, tell a close friend who will keep your secret in confidence.  When you're ready, start telling others.  I think a gradual coming out would be easier than coming out to everybody all at once.

 

There is one friend I have come out to (mainly by default since he was one of many I told I was having doubts and had asked to pray for me - he was the only one to follow up and ask enough questions such that I finally said, "I don't think I believe in God anymore"). Although he's been heavily encouraging me not to give up on God, he does seem to understand that God has been MIA in my life and understands that only God can bring me back. He's at least been supportive of my current quest for truth.

 

 

 

Are you totally surrounded by xians, like at work, all your friends etc?  Do you live in or near a big city where you can likely meet other nonbelievers?

 

All my friends are Christians, I never liked developing relationships with non-Christians for fear of having to share my faith. Work is mixed, but religion is never discussed. I live near a big, liberal American city, so thankfully, I'm not in the Bible Belt.

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Are you totally surrounded by xians, like at work, all your friends etc?  Do you live in or near a big city where you can likely meet other nonbelievers?

 

All my friends are Christians, I never liked developing relationships with non-Christians for fear of having to share my faith. Work is mixed, but religion is never discussed. I live near a big, liberal American city, so thankfully, I'm not in the Bible Belt.

That's good, that you are near a big city and religion is not discussed at work. 

 

When I am faced with a potentially tough upcoming event, I think about what the worst case scenario would look like, and then I consider whether I could handle that and what I would do about it.  If all your xian friends ostracise you, I think you could handle it fine, but you are gonna need some new friends.  This is where work and the big city come in.  Most cities have skeptic/secular/athiest groups, meetup.com is a good place to start.  There's also sports, hobbies etc and over time just building on networks.  On the other hand, some of them might be able to maintain the friendship, which might be seen as a bonus, or not, up to you.

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I waited 5 years after my de-conversion to "come out."  I also did a facebook post.  I could articulate my thoughts and reasons clearly rather than bumbling through it nervously and sounding like i didn't know what I was talking about.  It opened the door for people who wanted to talk to me more about the topic (I was surprised to find a few other people in my past who were in the same boat and afraid to tell anyone!).  As well, those who didn't want to confront the issue at all didn't have to and could just pretend everything was the same. Haha.

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One of the first things that I started to do was to tell my christian friends that I was going through a 'dark night of the soul' and asked them to pray for me. That took the edge off for awhile. They weren't too terribly concerned because they admitted themselves that they doubted the presence of god at times. They just blame the devil..... Then very slowly, very slowly....I started missing church services...they just kept praying for me. They still do. I have only admitted to a very few close friends how serious it actually was for me. These are more 'new ager' christians. They still pray for me.....

It's extremely hard..I just tell everyone now that 'something' had to start it all...Wendyshrug.gif It gets them off my back.....

 

*hug*

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I for one never told. I didn't even have to fake much. I simply refused to do some stuff, yet got never asked why. So, it wasn't very hard this way.

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I was in the position recently with pressure from my mom to go to church. I simply told her I wasn't interested in going to church because it's boring. Not a lie, not the whole truth, but enough to spare me the headache of the useless conflict that would have followed.

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You can do it. There are still a couple of people I haven't told, so I need the encouragement as much as you.

 

But it boils down to this: however hard it will be, we only get one life, and do you want to live your life as a lie, or as yourself?

 

You have nothing to be ashamed about in who you are. It takes courage to do this, but you have got what it takes because you were brave enough to start questioning in the first place. You can't stay where you are forever.

 

They may be sad, and try to get you back, and that will be tough, but you can endure it. Some may even want to change the relationship you have with them, or cut it off entirely. Are those relationships worth having in the first place though? You can't control what reaction they will have, but you are entitled to the freedom to be you, and especially to be you around your friends and family, the ones you love the most. It is their responsibility to treat you fairly.

 

On the other hand, many will respect you, and be fine with it, even if they disagree. Some might be inspired, and some might reveal that they are in a similar place.

 

But whatever their reactions, and the fallout (cos there will be fallout), it sounds like it's something you want to do. Some of the anxiety is probably your coming to terms with the fact that things won't be the same. But that doesn't mean they will be worse. You have got to do what will allow you to be happy, because we only get one life in which to be happy. 

 

And besides, it's also damaging to relationships to keep things from people and not engage with them in truth. I am guilty of that, so I can tell you it's not a good idea to keep it from people for too long.

 

OK now I really need to tell my friend :D.

 

Good luck!

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