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Goodbye Jesus

I Took The First Small Step In Coming Out To My Wife


LongWayAround

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I have only recently realized that I no longer believe.  Since that realization and reading others stories on this website, I have a rough plan for my exit from christianity.  Yesterday, I took the first step.

 

My wife asked if I thought it was wrong if she attended a mormon baptism for the offspring of a casual acquaintance (She/I was mainstream protestant).  She went on to say that she didn't feel like it could cause any doubts or make her feel like she wanted to convert.  I saw this as the opportunity I had been waiting for; to plant the first small seed.

 

I told her that I had been struggling with doubts about my faith lately.  I asked how could we know that christianity was the one true religion when others believe just as strongly about their religions (i.e islam, hindu, etc).  I went on to say that if either of us had been born in a country with a different religion, we would probably believe just as strongly in that religion.

 

My wife said that she never has had doubts and that she does not think it is ever possible that she will not believe.  She asked if I believed that the jesus was the son of god.  I swallowed hard, lied, and said yes.  I had already decided when the time come that I was not going to bite off the whole piece at once.  It would be too much for her.  That discussion will happen on another day.

 

She then went into a testimony of how jesus was the only religious leader that performed miracles and that for her that was proof positive that christianity was the one true religion.  After all, how could he have performed all of those miracles if he wasn't god.  I did a mental eye roll and thought about all of the counterarguments but held my tongue.

 

Overall, I accomplished exactly what I had hoped and that was to plant the seed that all is not well with my faith.  I have noticed that she is acting more religious since that conversation. I will let that discussion simmer for a while and then wait for another opportunity to take things up another step.

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Good for you.  Deep theological debates will probably be counter productive.  You might want to aim for a general understanding and acceptance of each other.  Essentially that is where I am at right now in my marriage and it's wonderful.  I wish you the best of luck!

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I think you're being smart in your approach. I came out to my wife. I started out a little at a time and then later laid too much on her at once. We're doing okay now, but the first several weeks after were rough! She will probably try to "be an example" to you to try and convince you. Just love her and be patient will her. Understand that there is no rush.

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I hope that it works out for you.  Your wife may lay it on a little thick if she feels the need to reinforce your faith.  That can get old quick.  Hopefully she won't bring it up with others who will want to save you.  I planted seeds for a year before laying it all out there with my wife.  She still took it very hard, but she had enough information to process it.  She felt betrayed at the time that I had not included her in my journey, but it worked out for the best.

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Good Luck with the process, I'm debating on how to "break it" to my husband too. He has an idea that I'm headed in that direction, but it's hard to not just blurt it out at times. i'm trying to take it slow.

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Thanks for the support.  My wife has gone into bible-studying-overdrive since our conversation and she wants to discuss how we can save our young adult kids (mine from a previous marriage and hers from a previous marriage - both are atheist or agnostic).  I can tell that this has the potential to be extremely difficult as I reveal more to her.

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Hopefully she won't bring it up with others who will want to save you. 

 

I can see my wife wanting to set up a meeting with the minister to get me back on track.  There is no way I will agree to that.

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Good Luck with the process, I'm debating on how to "break it" to my husband too. He has an idea that I'm headed in that direction, but it's hard to not just blurt it out at times. i'm trying to take it slow.

 

I hate being in a position where I can't be honest about what I think.  Sometimes it seems like like it would be easier to just get it all out there and deal with the fallout.  Unfortunately, I think that could put me on a fast track to divorce.

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Best of luck with this.

 

I would tend to agree that the slow approach is likely to be the best - provided that doesn't translate into letting her take control of the process.

 

Plant the seeds and see what grows - to throw a Christian metaphor back at them...

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What are you afraid might happen if you just confess to everything at once? 

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It really pisses me off that this is such a delicate subject matter. It shows such an asinine lack of respect for another's intellect when even the questions are a threat.

 

I applaud you for taking the seed-planting opportunity. Sometimes, that is the only way.

 

There are a host of Ex-Christians who have a believing spouse. It's unfortunate that the Christian spouse has to be treated so delicately.

 

My dad used to say, "The one who loves the least has the greater power in a relationship." I think this is true. If you are feeling powerless, it is because you love her more. And that's what makes this whole thing so difficult. 

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Good Luck with the process, I'm debating on how to "break it" to my husband too. He has an idea that I'm headed in that direction, but it's hard to not just blurt it out at times. i'm trying to take it slow.

I hate being in a position where I can't be honest about what I think. Sometimes it seems like like it would be easier to just get it all out there and deal with the fallout. Unfortunately, I think that could put me on a fast track to divorce.

I have no idea which is best. I let bits and peices out to my wife before finally letting it all out. I still let it all out as gently as I could. I'm in the same boat you are now. At my wife's behest, I met with our pastor. He is a respectful guy so he wasn't hard to talk to. He presented a lot of the classic arguments which I shot down. My wife took it really hard at first, but then started trying to love me back to Christianity. I appreciate her good intentions, though. I understand how important it is to her. Last night, it got bad. She insisted on talking about it, and we ended up having a huge fight. We're obviously not out of the woods yet. I have no idea what will happen. If your wife is like mine, she probably can't understand that your unbelief is not a simple choice. My wife keeps insisting that all I have to do is have a little faith and just believe. I've tried to tell her that no one just choses to believe something. They become convinced. And I have been convinced otherwise. She can't see that she is literally asking the impossible of me by asking me to just chose to believe. I'm exactly where you are. Wishing both of us the best.

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Last night, it got bad. She insisted on talking about it, and we ended up having a huge fight. We're obviously not out of the woods yet. I have no idea what will happen. If your wife is like mine, she probably can't understand that your unbelief is not a simple choice. My wife keeps insisting that all I have to do is have a little faith and just believe. I've tried to tell her that no one just choses to believe something. They become convinced. And I have been convinced otherwise. She can't see that she is literally asking the impossible of me by asking me to just chose to believe. I'm exactly where you are. Wishing both of us the best.

 

 

You are ahead of me in this journey so I don't really have any thing to add other than to say that I empathize and hope it works out in the end for you and your family.  

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I don't know what would happen if I just laid it all out there to my husband. I'm afraid that that would force him to "take a stand" one way or the other, instead of if I do it slowly he can get used to the idea. Our pastor is pretty big on the whole "man is the spiritual leader of the household" thing, and I can see that creating a dynamic of where he's told that he needs to "lead" me and bring me back to god. It may be a different dynamic with your situation, as expectations for men/women in the church are different.

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I understand the mindset you're describing, B.

 

I recently admitted my lost faith to my wife. Though she is slowly coming to many of the same realizations, it hasn't been an easy process for her.

 

Among the first things she asked me was if this meant I was no longer concerned with leading our family to heaven. That was always a big deal for both of us. It was hard for me to admit that to myself when I was working through my de-conversion on my own. It really shook up my image of myself as a husband and father. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my wife.

 

If the roles were reversed, I can easily see myself stepping my game up in an effort to rescue her.

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Among the first things she asked me was if this meant I was no longer concerned with leading our family to heaven. That was always a big deal for both of us. It was hard for me to admit that to myself when I was working through my de-conversion on my own. It really shook up my image of myself as a husband and father. I can only imagine how difficult it was for my wife.

 

One thing that might help you or others in similar situations: Talk about what you DO want to (help) lead your family to. I want to help lead my family to be critical thinkers, to be compassionate, to be honest, to stand up for themselves, etc.

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I think some of you make it harder than necessary. If this destroys your marriage, it wasn't really strong to begin with. And that is the main truth you need to all face. If your spouse fights you tooth and nail or shuns you, it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is honestly what YOU want. Lots of you walk on egg shells for your spouses. They're grown fucking women, time for them to either accept your beliefs or not. They have choices too.

 

But marriage isn't a prison. You don't have to stay with people who you can't be yourselves with. To me, this could be more of a wake up call as to if your marriages are as strong as you thought they were.

 

I hope you find peace.

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I think some of you make it harder than necessary. If this destroys your marriage, it wasn't really strong to begin with. And that is the main truth you need to all face. If your spouse fights you tooth and nail or shuns you, it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is honestly what YOU want. Lots of you walk on egg shells for your spouses. They're grown fucking women, time for them to either accept your beliefs or not. They have choices too.

 

But marriage isn't a prison. You don't have to stay with people who you can't be yourselves with. To me, this could be more of a wake up call as to if your marriages are as strong as you thought they were.

 

I hope you find peace.

 

While I agree that I think it is really important to be honest about one's beliefs with your spouse and not "walk on eggshells," I don't think the situation is quite that simple. Divorce is something with profound costs. Emotionally studies show it is up there with the death of a family member. Financially it can be devastating. If you have kids, there is usually immeasurable guilt about the impact that divorce could have on them. People often lose friendships when mutual friends "pick sides." Plus, a believing spouse may not be able to accept this today, but who's to say where they will be in 6 months? A year? 3 years? How do you know if your marriage is "destroyed" or if your spouse is just mad, but will come around later? You don't, so most of us who are married will do whatever we can to make it work until we feel that all options have been exhausted. Not to mention, that for ex-Christians who have come out, we have lost much of our support network. So if you go through a divorce, you may be doing it very much alone. It's not just a "rip the band-aid off" situation.

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I think some of you make it harder than necessary. If this destroys your marriage, it wasn't really strong to begin with. And that is the main truth you need to all face. If your spouse fights you tooth and nail or shuns you, it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is honestly what YOU want. Lots of you walk on egg shells for your spouses. They're grown fucking women, time for them to either accept your beliefs or not. They have choices too.

 

But marriage isn't a prison. You don't have to stay with people who you can't be yourselves with. To me, this could be more of a wake up call as to if your marriages are as strong as you thought they were.

 

I hope you find peace.

 

 

I realize you have very strong personal feelings about relationships, as you've made similar statements in multiple threads with the same sentiment. All due respect, I think maybe this is a situation that, if you don't have any personal stake or a sense of perspective on, it's easy to give trite/simple answers to and pretend they're somehow definitive.

 

I tend to agree with the principle of what you're saying, but there is a give and take in marriage that involves taking the other person (as well as children) into consideration before making choices. If you don't ever want to have to compromise or adjust your thinking/actions based on another person, then it's probably not the best idea to get married. Fact of the matter is that part of being married is realizing that there is TWO people in the relationship that have needs, and some situations don't allow for both partners to have their needs met immediately.

 

Of course that doesn't mean you sacrifice your own needs indefinitely, and I admit that I have some screwed up thinking in this area that I need to adjust. I am trying to separate my Christian ideas about marriage/being a wife from what I believe is just good practices for relationships, so I may be way off on things. I don't intend to make myself suffer through being silent about my beliefs for a prolonged amount of time, but I value my marriage and I care about my husband, so I want to do this process in the kindest way possible for both of our sakes.

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I think some of you make it harder than necessary. If this destroys your marriage, it wasn't really strong to begin with. And that is the main truth you need to all face. If your spouse fights you tooth and nail or shuns you, it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is honestly what YOU want. Lots of you walk on egg shells for your spouses. They're grown fucking women, time for them to either accept your beliefs or not. They have choices too.

 

But marriage isn't a prison. You don't have to stay with people who you can't be yourselves with. To me, this could be more of a wake up call as to if your marriages are as strong as you thought they were.

 

I hope you find peace.

i agree with what you're saying, and the last two as well.  There is tremendous cost to divorce, in every way.  If my wife and I weren't married without kids, we'd probably already be split up over it.  While I agree that may mean the relationship isn't as strong as I once thought, the fact is that I have invested much more into may marriage than I would have if were simply living together.  It's a big cost/benefit analysis thing.  I certainly don't want to go through a divorce unless it's the only option left, both because I love my wife and want to make it work and because I want to avoid the cost to us and our kids. 

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I think some of you make it harder than necessary. If this destroys your marriage, it wasn't really strong to begin with. And that is the main truth you need to all face. If your spouse fights you tooth and nail or shuns you, it is time to ask yourself if the relationship is honestly what YOU want. Lots of you walk on egg shells for your spouses. They're grown fucking women, time for them to either accept your beliefs or not. They have choices too.

 

But marriage isn't a prison. You don't have to stay with people who you can't be yourselves with. To me, this could be more of a wake up call as to if your marriages are as strong as you thought they were.

 

I hope you find peace.

 

 

I realize you have very strong personal feelings about relationships, as you've made similar statements in multiple threads with the same sentiment. All due respect, I think maybe this is a situation that, if you don't have any personal stake or a sense of perspective on, it's easy to give trite/simple answers to and pretend they're somehow definitive.

 

I tend to agree with the principle of what you're saying, but there is a give and take in marriage that involves taking the other person (as well as children) into consideration before making choices. If you don't ever want to have to compromise or adjust your thinking/actions based on another person, then it's probably not the best idea to get married. Fact of the matter is that part of being married is realizing that there is TWO people in the relationship that have needs, and some situations don't allow for both partners to have their needs met immediately.

 

Of course that doesn't mean you sacrifice your own needs indefinitely, and I admit that I have some screwed up thinking in this area that I need to adjust. I am trying to separate my Christian ideas about marriage/being a wife from what I believe is just good practices for relationships, so I may be way off on things. I don't intend to make myself suffer through being silent about my beliefs for a prolonged amount of time, but I value my marriage and I care about my husband, so I want to do this process in the kindest way possible for both of our sakes.

 

Actually, I don't disagree with you. But, at what point, does one allow their identity to be lost for the sake of the marriage? For that is what it sounds like is ''required'' if one is no longer Christian, married to a devout Christian. (but they both went into the marriage as Christians) At what point do you allow yourself to just lose your own identity in order to preserve the marriage?

 

I didn't realize marriage required this. Actually, it doesn't. I'm not recommending divorce, I'm suggesting that good marriages don't require one person to have to live like another person wishes them to.

 

You shouldn't have to live unhappily in order to make another person happy. I believe that if two people truly love one another, each will respect the other. (so long as the other obviously isn't doing something illegal, etc and expects the other person to go along with it. lol) Think we both know what I mean, here. I do respect everything you say here, and I don't disagree. But, I don't think a marriage is worth saving, if BOTH people are not happy in it.

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There's no "one size fits all" approach to something like this. Each marriage is unique. Some might not be worth saving. I absolutely believe mine is and I'm willing to navigate this transition in our lives as carefully as I can for my wife's sake and that of our children. I applaud anyone who makes reasonable sacrifices to avoid unnecessarily hurting others.

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To me the whole calculation is very simple.

 

I did not enter my marriage to be enslaved - that is very true.  But neither can I expect my wife to walk with me down a path neither of us had ever envisioned going.

 

Yes, I make a sacrifice of my freedom to her happiness.  It's actually a very small one, and with a prospect of becoming smaller over time.  That is my decision as I consider it the best, kindest and most appropriate way to go, and, despite occasional frustration, I would not wish to try a different path on this one.

 

I consider my identity to be perfectly intact,

 

Other relationships have different dynamics.  No one approach can be imposed.  It's not so much that one size does not fit all as one size doesn't fit any.

 

There is no "right answer".  Therefore each to his own.

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You are right.

 

I want to say, I'm learning about humility through some of you. That is what you are all exhibiting, and it's something I should do more of. I have a friend who told me recently that I hold onto my pride a lot. Like a safety blanket, but in the end, it really won't keep me safe. What??

 

And then, I dumped that friend. Just kidding. lol

 

I understand. It just sucks, I guess to be in a place where now you're no longer religious, and your spouse/SO still is. And that person married you because they thought you shared this in common. It would just be at times, overwhelming. I hope you find a good balance, and that you both are able to stay together. If that ends up being in both of your best interests.

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I understand. It just sucks, I guess to be in a place where now you're no longer religious, and your spouse/SO still is. And that person married you because they thought you shared this in common. It would just be at times, overwhelming. I hope you find a good balance, and that you both are able to stay together. If that ends up being in both of your best interests.

 

It has been a process for me individually to come to terms with the fact that I no longer believe.  I didn't expect this to happen.  It rattled my world view because now I have to step back and rethink all the things that I previously took for granted like: what is morally right and wrong, what is my purpose in life, what is the truth, what are my goals, etc.  It took years to come to the conclusion that I no longer believed and continues to take time for me to process everything that that means.  It would have been very traumatic if this had happened suddenly.

 

Bottom line: this realization took years to incubate and is still taking time for me to process.  I am going to give my wife that same courtesy of time.   

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