I Took The First Small Step In Coming Out To My Wife

[LongWayAround]

My wife and I had another fairly in depth conversation today.  It was mainly centered around who wrote the new testament books and when they were written.  My wife has lived in a conservative christian bubble and had never heard opposing views that the gospels were written by anonymous authors many years after the events took place.  We also talked a little about canonization.  This was also a topic that she knew very little about.  She was not aware that there were a lot of other books that were not included in the bible we have today or that there are books referenced in the bible that no longer exist.

 

The two main themes that came out of our conversation from her were:

 

1.  You should not get distracted by these little insignificant details like who wrote the bible, when it was written, etc. but should instead just have faith and believe.

2.  She would be afraid not to believe because she would be in danger or burning in hell for eternity.

 

I felt the conversation went well because things are progressing to the point where it will not be a surprise to her when I say I do not believe.

[Neverlandrut]

My wife and I had another fairly in depth conversation today. It was mainly centered around who wrote the new testament books and when they were written. My wife has lived in a conservative christian bubble and had never heard opposing views that the gospels were written by anonymous authors many years after the events took place. We also talked a little about canonization. This was also a topic that she knew very little about. She was not aware that there were a lot of other books that were not included in the bible we have today or that there are books referenced in the bible that no longer exist.

 

The two main themes that came out of our conversation from her were:

 

1. You should not get distracted by these little insignificant details like who wrote the bible, when it was written, etc. but should instead just have faith and believe.

2. She would be afraid not to believe because she would be in danger or burning in hell for eternity.

 

I felt the conversation went well because things are progressing to the point where it will not be a surprise to her when I say I do not believe.

The fact that you were able to have what seems like a rational, calm conversation about it is a good sign. Hopefully that trend will continue.

[DrNo]

Re: #2, does she ever experience fear of hellfire for not believing in Islam, Judaism, or any of the other go-to-hell religions? She's basically arguing for Pascal's wager, and there are several arguments against that.

 

But fear does not need to be rational to be effective, nor does logic work when dealing with someone who is emotionally motivated. But I wonder, according to her brand of Christianity, would God want fear to be her primary motivation? If so, what does that say about her God? If not, then she might want to start working on her fear and be willing to tackle some tough questions.

[LongWayAround]

The fact that you were able to have what seems like a rational, calm conversation about it is a good sign.

 

 

I thought so too.  The conversation was taking place in a crowded, noisy waiting room at a medical facility.  I am sure the guy sitting next to me got an earful.

[LifeCycle]

 

Good Luck with the process, I'm debating on how to "break it" to my husband too. He has an idea that I'm headed in that direction, but it's hard to not just blurt it out at times. i'm trying to take it slow.

 

I hate being in a position where I can't be honest about what I think.  Sometimes it seems like like it would be easier to just get it all out there and deal with the fallout.  Unfortunately, I think that could put me on a fast track to divorce.

 

Yup. Welcome to the exciting, bizarre world of your life being held hostage by fairy-tales.

 

Good luck!

[Neverlandrut]

 

 

 

 

Good Luck with the process, I'm debating on how to "break it" to my husband too. He has an idea that I'm headed in that direction, but it's hard to not just blurt it out at times. i'm trying to take it slow.

I hate being in a position where I can't be honest about what I think. Sometimes it seems like like it would be easier to just get it all out there and deal with the fallout. Unfortunately, I think that could put me on a fast track to divorce.

Yup. Welcome to the exciting, bizarre world of your life being held hostage by fairy-tales.

 

Good luck!

It's all out there for my wife now. It has been very hard. A lot of hard fights. I've been as calm and fair as I possibly can be. She is trying to respect the difference now. But I think she is becoming more and more aware of how different we really are (not just in religious beliefs), and I am too. My deconversion hasn't lead to divorce yet, but we're not out of the woods.

[LongWayAround]

I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to lay all the cards on the table with my wife and tell her exactly what I believe and don't believe.  At her suggestion, we have started attending a new church so, by default, I no longer have the duties that I had at the old church.  This was an easy way to withdraw without making a big scene.

 

For now, I am willing to attend one service a week with my wife at the new church but am not willing to get involved in any other way.  I am relatively sure that she is going to ask me to join a "small group" with her and at that point I am planning to decline and fully reveal my deconversion.

 

We were having discussions about several christianity related topics last night and I continued to relay counter-apologetic information.  My wife asked how I knew so much about the topics.  I replied that as I have questions about biblical issues, I research to find all the information I can from both sides.  She told me I should stick to conservative christian sources so that I don't get led astray.  I told her that above all, I was interested in the truth.  The conversation ended with her saying that she felt like I have joined some evil, anti-christian cult.

[Blue elephant]

I am not sure your wife is ready to hear all of it based on what she has just been saying. I think some more of the counter apologetic stuff would be the best course of action at this stage.

 

Re the idea to stick to conservative Christian sources. when a case is before the courts, you do not have the defence case being presented by the prosecution! Or vice versa!

[LongWayAround]

Had another very long conversation last night.  I am surprised by her reaction.  I expected anger but her reaction is more frustration and sadness.  Anger may be just around the corner.

 

A couple of interesting things she said last night:

 

"Humans do not have the mental capacity to completely understand the bible.  There are going to be things that don't make sense and that seem like contradictions but that aren't.  We will all understand it someday."

 

"Maybe god put the contradictions in the bible to test our faith." 

 

She also repeats a lot of apologetic crap that she has heard over the years like "Darwin recanted on his deathbed".  (I pointed out that even creation.com tells apologetics not to use this argument because it isn't true.)

[TrueFreedom]

Wow.  The bible is beyond human comprehension.  Whom does she think wrote it?

[DrNo]

"Maybe god put the contradictions in the bible to test our faith." 

 

But what would that say about god? It's amazing to me how many people out there are actually OK with this concept.

[midniterider]

We were having discussions about several christianity related topics last night and I continued to relay counter-apologetic information.  My wife asked how I knew so much about the topics.  I replied that as I have questions about biblical issues, I research to find all the information I can from both sides.  She told me I should stick to conservative christian sources so that I don't get led astray.  I told her that above all, I was interested in the truth.  The conversation ended with her saying that she felt like I have joined some evil, anti-christian cult.

 

How come it's so easy to get led astray from the ALMIGHTY PROTECTOR and savior Jebus Christ? Jebus must not really love his children...or he's non-existent. :-)

[midniterider]

Had another very long conversation last night.  I am surprised by her reaction.  I expected anger but her reaction is more frustration and sadness.  Anger may be just around the corner.

 

A couple of interesting things she said last night:

 

"Humans do not have the mental capacity to completely understand the bible.  There are going to be things that don't make sense and that seem like contradictions but that aren't.  We will all understand it someday."

 

What species was the bible written for? Why write a book nobody can understand? Why do churchies insist that their brethren read a book that is indecipherable? How do we know which scripture to believe in the case of two contradictory scriptures? 1st one, 2nd one, both, neither?

 

"Maybe god put the contradictions in the bible to test our faith." 

 

How would confusion test your faith? So between two contradictory passages, at least one of them must be a LIE God presented to you to test your faith? God, the big fat purposeful liar. Test my patience, yes, test my faith? No.

 

She also repeats a lot of apologetic crap that she has heard over the years like "Darwin recanted on his deathbed".  (I pointed out that even creation.com tells apologetics not to use this argument because it isn't true.)

[Leo]

Wow.  The bible is beyond human comprehension.  Whom does she think wrote it?

Or how would a moral first cause (C. S. Lewis, Francis Collins, etc.) be justified in creating contradictions to test us? And wh

y is faith virtuous? Or testing of faith a means to determine who is righteous?

I am a father, though my daughter is now grown (physically at least). Many of these so-called fatherly attributes of God would have landed me in jail for neglect or worse, had I tried that with raising her.

[Leo]

 

We were having discussions about several christianity related topics last night and I continued to relay counter-apologetic information.  My wife asked how I knew so much about the topics.  I replied that as I have questions about biblical issues, I research to find all the information I can from both sides.  She told me I should stick to conservative christian sources so that I don't get led astray.  I told her that above all, I was interested in the truth.  The conversation ended with her saying that she felt like I have joined some evil, anti-christian cult.

 

How come it's so easy to get led astray from the ALMIGHTY PROTECTOR and savior Jebus Christ? Jebus must not really love his children...or he's non-existent. :-)

 

Speaking of cults ... "don't read anything outside our world view," ... accountability brothers, ... keepers of souls ...

 

How come it's so easy to get led astray from the protector?

Because faith is no strong tower: The righteous run to defend it, lest it fall down.

 

By the way, many ideals held by conservative Christians today were heresy yesterday.

Jerry DeWitt, ex-pastor now atheist, says the start of the reformation was the start of an individualist marketing machine.

[Leo]

 

"Maybe god put the contradictions in the bible to test our faith." 

 

But what would that say about god? It's amazing to me how many people out there are actually OK with this concept.

 

In the 1920s, creationists believed that dinosaur bones were planted by God to test us. Francis Collins, Christian apologist and scientist, actually argues against this idea. In the minds of some, I was near heathen for reading his books.

He's not a proponent of the intelligent design hypothesis.

[Deidre]

''...there are contracdictions in order to test us...'' is little more than indoctrination tactics created by MEN who were celbate, angry, misogynists. If there exists an almighty higher power...is he really that fucked up that he wants to play cat and mouse guessing games with his creation?

 

AND IF SO? I don't want to worship such a 'god.'

[Blood]

''...there are contracdictions in order to test us...'' is little more than indoctrination tactics created by MEN who were celbate, angry, misogynists. If there exists an almighty higher power...is he really that fucked up that he wants to play cat and mouse guessing games with his creation?

 

AND IF SO? I don't want to worship such a 'god.'

 

Excellent point, and one that must be continually made to these people. 

 

It's like the picture of Jesus as a practical joker: "I'm going to tell these idiots I'm coming back 'soon,' so they will have false hope for the next few thousand years, or however long it takes them to realize that it's all just made-up bullshit."

[Deidre]

 

''...there are contracdictions in order to test us...'' is little more than indoctrination tactics created by MEN who were celbate, angry, misogynists. If there exists an almighty higher power...is he really that fucked up that he wants to play cat and mouse guessing games with his creation?

 

AND IF SO? I don't want to worship such a 'god.'

 

Excellent point, and one that must be continually made to these people. 

 

It's like the picture of Jesus as a practical joker: "I'm going to tell these idiots I'm coming back 'soon,' so they will have false hope for the next few thousand years, or however long it takes them to realize that it's all just made-up bullshit."

 

lol exactly.

 

the whole notion as well to convince people that a mere mortal also had divine 'powers,' was designed to be both confusing and comforting. that 'god' loved us all so very much, that he made himself a man to share in our depravity...um, that he infused us with..um, to save us from ourselves..um...because we are so very depraved.

 

perhaps the idea or concept of god is as intelligent as the people who created the particular religion to worship him. i'll leave that thought right there.

[LongWayAround]

Well, I am 100% out to my wife.  She asked some very direct questions about my religious beliefs and I gave her some very direct, honest answers.  I felt pretty bad for her.  She looked like someone punched her in the stomach.  She has been fairly depressed about it at times but acts somewhat normal at others.

 

Some of the questions she posed to me:

 

What morals do you have now?  I explained that for the most part they are unchanged and gave some specifics (in reality, I live by a higher moral code than the god of the bible).

 

Are you planning to divorce me now that you are no longer bound by a religious vow?  I was surprised by this statement and reassured her that I am committed to her.

 

With no god or religion, why are we here?  I told her my personal philosophy was to live the fullest life possible, be the best husband, father, etc. possible, leave the world a better place than we found it, and help those less fortunate than ourselves.

 

Do you pray and if so when was the last time you prayed for real? No. I prayed about three months ago that god would reveal the truth to me.  Ha ha, the only prayer he ever answered....I feel like now I do know the truth...there is no god.

 

Have you told anyone about your deconversion and what will you say if someone asks?  No. If asked I will tell them the truth.

 

In general, I feel pretty good.  I don't like to see my wife in emotional pain but am glad that I am able to be open with her.  It is weird being around religious things (wedding, church) with her now that she knows.  We are in uncharted water regarding how we handle some things now but I feel pretty good that we are going to come through my deconversion with our marriage intact.  I know we aren't out of the woods yet but I feel optimistic based on how it has gone so far.

[Jds22]

That sounds so close to my conversation with my wife.

After a few months of long talks she went thru her own deconversion and is now an atheist.

 

I hope this works out for you.

[Deidre]

Well, I am 100% out to my wife.  She asked some very direct questions about my religious beliefs and I gave her some very direct, honest answers.  I felt pretty bad for her.  She looked like someone punched her in the stomach.  She has been fairly depressed about it at times but acts somewhat normal at others.

 

Some of the questions she posed to me:

 

What morals do you have now?  I explained that for the most part they are unchanged and gave some specifics (in reality, I live by a higher moral code than the god of the bible).

 

Are you planning to divorce me now that you are no longer bound by a religious vow?  I was surprised by this statement and reassured her that I am committed to her.

 

With no god or religion, why are we here?  I told her my personal philosophy was to live the fullest life possible, be the best husband, father, etc. possible, leave the world a better place than we found it, and help those less fortunate than ourselves.

 

Do you pray and if so when was the last time you prayed for real? No. I prayed about three months ago that god would reveal the truth to me.  Ha ha, the only prayer he ever answered....I feel like now I do know the truth...there is no god.

 

Have you told anyone about your deconversion and what will you say if someone asks?  No. If asked I will tell them the truth.

 

In general, I feel pretty good.  I don't like to see my wife in emotional pain but am glad that I am able to be open with her.  It is weird being around religious things (wedding, church) with her now that she knows.  We are in uncharted water regarding how we handle some things now but I feel pretty good that we are going to come through my deconversion with our marriage intact.  I know we aren't out of the woods yet but I feel optimistic based on how it has gone so far.

This is absolutely awesome! I'm sure it will take time for her to accept this, but hopefully you both can weather it together. Hopefully, she won't let it come between the two of you. However, having been a Christian at one point myself, I know that it is very important for Christians to 'be with ' other Christians...or like minded people as themselves. There doesn't need to be a schism between the two of you, but I won't be surprised if that happens. I hope things work out. I'm glad you have found a sense of peace about it. You have shown a lot of courage!

[Ellinas]

All the best.  Hope she gets her head round this.

[Leo]

I'm glad you're out. Sounds like something similar to what happened in my situation. Mine asked me about if I thought She is brainwashed or stupid or something. I honestly told Her we all go through different things. In my case, She has a really tough time if I change in any way.

You're right to be keeping your head, and realizing you're not out of the woods yet. I think it's harder for the Christian than for us, when it comes to being at a religious function. I mean, now you're not this Christian couple anymore. Mine said, regarding going to church, "I have gotten used to living with a husband who struggles, but I never saw myself as one of those women." You know what I mean: the churches are full of women whose husbands don't come to church, and there is a lot of mythology about the man being off having an affair or not caring about the kids. Mine, understandably, doesn't want the stress of all that. She knows I would not do such things. In answer to Her question about our spiritual connection? All I told Her was that I loved Her at least as much now as I did then, only now I've got no guilt for putting Her first, before a god.

Not wanting to hijack your post and make this about me, it's about your situation. I just hope this is somewhat helpful to you. I am also new to deconversion: been officially out to my wife since late April of this year. I think us deconverted ones in the unequally yoked club can take a lot of instruction from sites that help you with someone going through the five stages of grief. I take a lot of instruction from other unequally yoked folks on this site.

[DrNo]

I'm really happy for you that you are out 100%. Good luck to both of you!