Why Did You Get Married?

[Deidre]

Some friends of mine married because the health insurance is cheaper for spouses than domestic partners.

 

Me, personally, I'd like to get married some day. I feel sad that I doubt that will ever happen. To me, marriage is something you do to present yourselves as a couple to your families, friends, and aquantances after you've already formed a commitment to each other. "Giving the bride away" is creepy as hell. I've pretty much decided that if I ever do end up having the full wedding ceremony, I'm going to have me, my partner, and a few close friends at a ceremony where we give ourselves to each other, no officiant involved, a few days beforehand. The official wedding is just an announcement, a demand that everyone else accept that we belong together. I'd rather it be a celebration of two families being joined together in a new kinship bond, but my parents wouldn't approve of anyone I'd be willing to marry so that part of my dream will never happen.

 Thank you for your comment. So, do you feel sad when thinking of not marrying someday, or not meeting the 'right person?' Both?

 

in my younger days, i always assume that marriage is simply for freedom of sex and procreation and nothing else,,,,,

 

i remained single till this day, and still enjoy sex, but with protection,,,, and there is enough people on this earth, one more or one less will not make much difference.....

 

It's nice to see I'm not alone in my thoughts about it all.

 

We didn't have the luxury of deciding for ourselves.  If we wanted to be together, we had to get married or she would of had to go back to Russia.

 

Wow. I read your other posts about your marriage, and it seems that despite it not being ideal as to how you married, you are both happy? I've read that arranged marriages outlast those that are not. Not that yours was arranged, but it reminded me of that. lol I found that so bizarre.

 

Anyway, I got married cuz of love. Things got sped up cuz we got pregnant, but that was okay.

 

Two fine boys, an 18.5 year marriage and I've been "single" for the past 7 years and that's okay,too.

 

Would I get married again?

I can't honestly answer that.

I just don't know.

Do you like being single better than being married? Obviously, things went south, so you might say yes, but overall, I mean.

[OsborndaleIvanhoe]

Interesting question. I'm trying to think back to that time in my life. I was "living in sin" with my now husband back then, my parents were pissed off and refused to visit us in our home because they disagreed with this (although they would go visit my brother regularly despite the fact he was living in sin with his girlfriend). So I guess we got married to shut them up, if I'm going to be honest - that was the primary catalyst. We probably could have lived in sin for quite some time. He's more religious than I am since he's a non-practicing methodist but we could have gotten married standing in a dumpster in the ghetto we wouldn't have cared.The only ones that cared if it was in a church were my parents, since any marriage not in a church done by a priest is not a "real marriage". IDK I don't get it, never did. It's been an interesting ride, lots of ups and downs, good times bad times. He's my best friend, we have two awesome kids, two idiot ass dogs, a mortgage. You know, the typical american life.  Marriage isn't for everyone, but I see no difference between marriage and just living together. The only difference is if we decided to break up divorce would be a lot more complicated than just simply breaking up. 

[Deidre]

Interesting question. I'm trying to think back to that time in my life. I was "living in sin" with my now husband back then, my parents were pissed off and refused to visit us in our home because they disagreed with this (although they would go visit my brother regularly despite the fact he was living in sin with his girlfriend). So I guess we got married to shut them up, if I'm going to be honest - that was the primary catalyst. We probably could have lived in sin for quite some time. He's more religious than I am since he's a non-practicing methodist but we could have gotten married standing in a dumpster in the ghetto we wouldn't have cared.The only ones that cared if it was in a church were my parents, since any marriage not in a church done by a priest is not a "real marriage". IDK I don't get it, never did. It's been an interesting ride, lots of ups and downs, good times bad times. He's my best friend, we have two awesome kids, two idiot ass dogs, a mortgage. You know, the typical american life.  Marriage isn't for everyone, but I see no difference between marriage and just living together. The only difference is if we decided to break up divorce would be a lot more complicated than just simply breaking up.

I love your honesty, and how you write. I feel like we're sitting at a cafe somewhere, having a cup of coffee, or whatever...and you are sharing this with me over a small table for two.

 

Your last line. THAT'S IT. THAT'S EXACTLY IT. I'm afraid of commitment. And I always want that ''out.'' I always think even the very best of scenarios will eventually come to an end.

 

I go into every relationship, thinking of the end. Only seeing ...'how will this end.'

 

That must be why I don't like marriage. Because WHEN it ends, it will be more complicated as you say, than a mere breakup. Although there are those laws about living with someone for a certain amount of time. Not sure if that varies from state to state.

 

Thank you for chiming in! You've enabled me to get to the root of my problem with marriage!

[Deidre]

 

If you love another person, why is marriage necessary to proving this? With the divorce rate as high as it is, it doesn't seem to be a paradigm that works for the long term.

Dee,

 

I agree that the legal status of marriage does not prove love, commitment, integrity, faithfulness, etc. Likewise the legal status of divorice does not disprove those qualities in successful marriages. Therefore the mere statistic of the divorce rate does not invalidate marriage. Divorce does not make marriage a failed paradigm. Divorce merely indicates a failed relationship.

 

Also, you're siding with the majority statistic, which is the opposite of what you do concerning Christianity versus atheism. Using this logic, you would have to favor either Christianity and non-marriage, or atheism and marriage. Otherwise you'll have to evaluate marriage in a manner similar to how you evaluate Christianity. You'll have to look at the nature, character, and details of the relationships.

 

Basing a judgment solely on statistical results is like deciding which political candidate to vote for based on the results of the previous election, which party won -- regardless of the parties' platforms and where you personally stand on the issues.

 

The numbers themselves have no meaning apart from what they measure. Statistics don't evaluate the nature and dynamics of relationships. The numbers measure simply the percentage of a general outcome (divorce) that occurs relative to a general action or condition (legal marriage). Numbers do not reveal why relationships succeed or fail.

 

Marriage relationships that succeed do so because of ethics and integrity. Non-marriage relationships that succeed do so similarly. The difference is that one chooses a certain legal status for perceived benefits that it brings.

 

Thanks again for another thought-provoking topic.

 

Human

 

This is probably the best post I've ever read from you. It's given me lots of food for thought. A feast, not a mere snack. Thank you....

 

and you'll need to share why you're still single...inquiring minds want to know.

[VacuumFlux]

 

 Thank you for your comment. So, do you feel sad when thinking of not marrying someday, or not meeting the 'right person?' Both?

 

 

More sad about the lack of marriage than not meeting the right person, though the same family issues that make the marriage unlikely mean I am less eager to fall in love and have to deal with those questions. I am afraid of finding the right person and them not being ok with my not being out to my parents (they're very homophobic), or the awfulness that would be every holiday for the rest of my life (my extended family has several get-togethers every year). And I'd rather just live with a long term partner than have a wedding where half of my family refuses to come. They almost didn't go to my sister's hetero marriage because she was marrying a non-christian. A wedding would not be a happy day for me, not the joining of families and celebrating kinship that I'd want out of it. Maybe a bitersweet statement of "FU, I'm doing this anyway", but not "best day of my life!!!!" thing that so many women talk about. (Though if the wedding is the best day of your life, what does that say about the relationship after that?) Not that I could legally marry a cis-woman in my current state of residence anyway, but the laws on that seem to be changing rapidly. There's always the option of going to another state to get the paperwork, if it really mattered to me.

 

I read a sci-fi novel once where "marriages" were only a one-year long thing, with an option to renew the pairing at the end of the year if both parties agreed to it. I liked the idea that you could commit to each other for a time, but with a built in understanding that it may not last forever. If I end up with a long term partner and we choose not to get legally married, I could see having a small short-term commitment ceremony in front of friends. Maybe commit for 1 year the first time, and if that goes well, commit to 2 years, then blocks of 5 thereafter. A similar idea I heard, was a married couple who sees an marriage counselor once a year whether they think they need it or not, same way you get an annual physical with the doctor just in case there's something wrong that you've missed.

[Deidre]

 

Thank you for your comment. So, do you feel sad when thinking of not marrying someday, or not meeting the 'right person?' Both?

 

More sad about the lack of marriage than not meeting the right person, though the same family issues that make the marriage unlikely mean I am less eager to fall in love and have to deal with those questions. I am afraid of finding the right person and them not being ok with my not being out to my parents (they're very homophobic), or the awfulness that would be every holiday for the rest of my life (my extended family has several get-togethers every year). And I'd rather just live with a long term partner than have a wedding where half of my family refuses to come. They almost didn't go to my sister's hetero marriage because she was marrying a non-christian. A wedding would not be a happy day for me, not the joining of families and celebrating kinship that I'd want out of it. Maybe a bitersweet statement of "FU, I'm doing this anyway", but not "best day of my life!!!!" thing that so many women talk about. (Though if the wedding is the best day of your life, what does that say about the relationship after that?) Not that I could legally marry a cis-woman in my current state of residence anyway, but the laws on that seem to be changing rapidly. There's always the option of going to another state to get the paperwork, if it really mattered to me.

 

I read a sci-fi novel once where "marriages" were only a one-year long thing, with an option to renew the pairing at the end of the year if both parties agreed to it. I liked the idea that you could commit to each other for a time, but with a built in understanding that it may not last forever. If I end up with a long term partner and we choose not to get legally married, I could see having a small short-term commitment ceremony in front of friends. Maybe commit for 1 year the first time, and if that goes well, commit to 2 years, then blocks of 5 thereafter. A similar idea I heard, was a married couple who sees an marriage counselor once a year whether they think they need it or not, same way you get an annual physical with the doctor just in case there's something wrong that you've missed.

 

I think your story is so interesting. I'm sad for you, I read your sadness in your words. But, I honestly think...if you find someone special to love, that is all you need. You don't need anyone to accept it, for it to be real. You don't need it legalized, for it to be meaningful. I think this, anyway.

 

What is the name of that novel? I want to read that? Marriage on lease? What an awesome idea!

 

Hugs, and thank you for your comments. Life's confusing, and difficult sometimes. :/

[xtify]

I was married off as a late teen to a guy that I didn't love.  My parents gave me an ultimatum:  either marry the boy or get shunned and burn in hell.  It lasted a year or so until he started wearing my clothing and dating other men.  I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, hahah.

[Fweethawt]

 

Anyway, I got married cuz of love. Things got sped up cuz we got pregnant, but that was okay.Two fine boys, an 18.5 year marriage and I've been "single" for the past 7 years and that's okay,too.Would I get married again?I can't honestly answer that.I just don't know.

Do you like being single better than being married? Obviously, things went south, so you might say yes, but overall, I mean.

No, I think I'd rather be married. However, I got burned pretty bad in my divorce so, well, ummm -- it'd take a lot of something for me to tie the knot again.

 

I've had the same girlfriend for almost as long as I've been divorced though. That's gotta count for something! Ha-ha!

[Deidre]

 

 

Anyway, I got married cuz of love. Things got sped up cuz we got pregnant, but that was okay.Two fine boys, an 18.5 year marriage and I've been "single" for the past 7 years and that's okay,too.Would I get married again?I can't honestly answer that.I just don't know.

Do you like being single better than being married? Obviously, things went south, so you might say yes, but overall, I mean.

No, I think I'd rather be married. However, I got burned pretty bad in my divorce so, well, ummm -- it'd take a lot of something for me to tie the knot again.

I've had the same girlfriend for almost as long as I've been divorced though. That's gotta count for something! Ha-ha!

Awww! That's great you at least found love again. What aspects of marriage do you like/do you miss?

Just curious as it all right now, mystifies me. Lol

[Leo]

A fair question The first to ask me this was a polyamorous individual.

I'm a straight male, raised in the North, specifically the Pacific Northwest, having gone to public school most of the time through the 70s and 80s. Men were taught that we were afraid of commitment. The way that you demonstrate commitment is be willing to get married. According to that dogma, men are selfish pigs who only want one thing, and they owe it to the women in their lives to demonstrate their commitment. This was preached to us usually by women, and of a specific time and place. The Xians thought this was very worldly, of course, because I didn't say anything about god's covenant and all. But, we're all human. You love someone, you want to show that you love that person. You really don't want to be a selfish pig, whoever you are or whatever gender identity you have. So, you're told as a young man, this is how you overcome the sins of your fathers. this is how you overcome your own man nature, the 70s secular version of Xianity's Sin nature. Because while women decide whether or not to get married, real men who aren't afraid of commitment are willing to settle down. My response is not intended to be misogynistic or against women. this is a system we are talking about. Nobody asked the girls in my classes if that is what they themselves wanted. This was talked *at* everyone. Girls included. A man who doesn't want to get married must be selfish. This was way before the terms polyamorous and other terms were widely known about. I am guessing, and I can't prove it, it's just a guess, most people who talked this at us were reading from a book. It's not hard to come off as convincing to kids and teenagers, so they wouldn't have had to be all that good at it. I have no evidence to show whether the people pumping it believed it or not, it was simply the thing to be said about men and relationships.

Now, on the flip side: The fallacy about divorces. Fifty percent of marriages end up in divorce. Okay, but that only means fifty percent of marriage licenses end up in divorced relationships. That doesn't mean fifty percent of people who got married end up divorced.

And there is a third side. So while I did the status quo thing and got married, my friend in San Francisco and her wife have been struggling with this in unimaginable ways. She is not the birth parent of their daughter. So she has to take papers when they leave the state, to prove her adopted parental status, because if she ends up having to take the daughter to the hospital, she has to prove she's the parent in order to sign for medical treatment. That is just one issue that she deals with. She is very transparent about this stuff on her blog. While Xianity was talking about gay marriage and the Bible, I was reading her blog and other follow-up articles. I just can't get behind any anti-marriage argument, when I have had the privilege of being married 21 years and not had my marriage challenged like hers. I thought being disabled and having my credibility as a partner challenged by people was bad? How about having the entire relationship challenged? I can't even pretend to appreciate what she and they have contended with. For sake of this argument, I'll dismiss out of hand the people who fantasize that my wife is not a wife / equal partner, but some kind of hired caregiver, since I, yunno, carry a white stick. I'm a middle-aged, lower middle-income, average height / dimensional, cisgendered white male. Were it not for the white stick, you wouldn't even know which among the sea of white was me. I went to my daughter's school activities, parent teacher conferences, school functions and so on, without incident. As a "unit", not in the Xian sense but the corporate sense if you will, we have bought and sold a home, we rented apartments, bought vehicles, paid for teenage necessities and not-so-necessities that teenagers believe they need, got the daughter off to college. All without real incident. Discarding all the normal relationship ups and downs. My friend who has a wife and daughter, she has had incident with every single one of those activities, and many more she could mention that I probably have forgotten. I just can't in my situation get behind an anti-marriage stance. That would be really disingenuous to the gay people who are struggling so hard to get just the basics of what the rest of us have. I can't dismiss the status quo after I have benefitted from the benefits issued by society to it. And I mean no disrespect to the polyamorous and other-amorous folks. Perhaps they're right, and the state should be out of the equation altogether, or marriages should just be incorporated. I don't think about the piece of paper. I do think about the promises I made to Her, before, during and after the ceremony. But I don't have to think about the piece of paper because I have one. My friend had to think about the piece of paper for 15 years, because she didn't get a piece. And she is an executive, a research scientist, gives her daughter a wonderful environment to grow up in full of curiosity and wonder.

I'll admit I thought a lot of this throughout the last ten years or so of my Xianity, which again, made me not a very convincing Xian. Made me quite different from people who are close to me. The reality is, my reasons for remaining faithful and true to Her transcend Xianity and its small minded value system. I would remain so if tomorrow there was a law rescinding all marriage licenses held by midlife average cisgendered males. It's in your mind, you might say, and you would be right. But the undergirding by society means that without incident we can do certain types of things, especially where housing and kids are involved, as a unit. Not 'unit' the way Xianity uses the term: 'unit' the way civil governments use the term.

Admittedly a long rambling response, but there lies the evolution of the situation in my own life. And we who fit that general statistically normative group have not really thought about it until asked. After all, unlike my friend, nobody questioned most of us. Sure they would question me for being blind, but not to the point of denials. And unlike what happens to the polyamorous folks, nobody questions the number of participants in our unions. Glad I kept this shit to myself when I still called myself a Xian.

[Margee]

The old me married for love, romance and riding happily into the sunset. 

 

.......the new me would never get married and live in the same house with anyone ever again......

[Leo]

That's interesting. I have often wondered if that would be the case for me also, were circumstances different. If I outlived my Wife, for instance. It's hard to say, growing up through a statistically normative context, what I would do outside that context. Though I do believe this thought experiment presented by the original poster, others, and you, is very instructive.

[Thackerie]

I never had dreams of getting married.  I never wanted the white dress or all that crap.  I certainly NEVER wanted to be given away!  I wanted fun and freedom!  

...

 

Awesome story! Thanks for posting.

 

I enjoyed "fun and freedom" in my 20s, with lots of guys, lots of sex, etc. No regrets at all.

 

When I was 32, I met the man I am with now. We've been together for nearly 25 years, living in "sin" for 23 years. I suspect we'll be together until one of us dies. There's nothing that marriage can add to this relationship.

 

However, considering that we are both now in our 50s, I'm thinking about getting married anyway — for the social security and tax benefits. I wish I could be excited about it, but I'm not. It's just a matter of getting a license and getting over to the courthouse to make it legal.

[Margee]

I'll say this about marriage.  My wife and I have, I think like most couples, had our ups and downs.  But when I was in the hospital for 7 weeks, she was the one that visited every day.  She was the one that went out of her way to bring me food, going 3 hours out of her way every single day, because I couldn't eat the hospital food.  I received plenty of love and good wishes from my friends and family, but it was my wife that was right there with me through it all. 

Vigile, This is nice. And you are so right. It is lovely to have a wonderful companion who would sit beside you when you are going through the toughest of times. Nobody really wants to be alone in these times, I wouldn't imagine?

 

I get a little saucy in my joking around now, but I still stick to how I feel. I love my own house and I don't want anyone touching it. I am far too fussy and have to make extra, extra efforts not to drive my husband nuts. (And I really do try, he would tell you that)

 

 I would love to have a beautiful companionship with someone who lives about 4 streets over. We would meet up about 3-4 times a week, have wild sex a couple of times, go to the movies, travel together on trips, eat popcorn together in bed if that's the case. I would just like them to leave first thing in the morning...

 

I do love a good relationship where 2 people learn about each other's personalities and proceed to accept the good and the bad. My hubby and I are actually working on this right now. It's going better. We are very different personalities, so it can be trying at times. And It is nice to know that he or I would stand by each other if we got sick.

 

I'm really glad you are doing well.

[florduh]

Religion had nothing to do with it. We just assumed we would be partners for the next few decades. We weren't going to have kids and a marriage license meant nothing to us; it meant quite a lot to the parents, though. What the hell. Make 'em all happy. Didn't mean shit to us either way. Ten minutes in a judge's chambers and the deed was done, and that was 44 years ago.

[TrueFreedom]

Religion had nothing to do with it. We just assumed we would be partners for the next few decades. We weren't going to have kids and a marriage license meant nothing to us; it meant quite a lot to the parents, though. What the hell. Make 'em all happy. Didn't mean shit to us either way. Ten minutes in a judge's chambers and the deed was done, and that was 44 years ago.

 

How long have you been Ex-C?

[florduh]

 

Religion had nothing to do with it. We just assumed we would be partners for the next few decades. We weren't going to have kids and a marriage license meant nothing to us; it meant quite a lot to the parents, though. What the hell. Make 'em all happy. Didn't mean shit to us either way. Ten minutes in a judge's chambers and the deed was done, and that was 44 years ago.

 

How long have you been Ex-C?

 

I don't know for sure. Me and the ball & chain took a detour into Christianity about 20 or so years ago and it lasted for about eight or ten years. The last thing I did as a Christian was study at Moody, where the scam of it all finally came together for me. I knew my life would change, but I had no choice. Over a few months I gave the wife enough information for her to stop going to church and abandon "serious" Christianity. I think she may still believe in some kind of a god thing, but we don't discuss religion anymore as we have none.

 

Funny, the religion my father jammed down our throats when I was a kid never took. Much later, a good friend at my work dragged me into the cult. I never thought about it critically until I was well into it, and I certainly wasn't looking for an excuse to get out.

[Deidre]

 

 

Religion had nothing to do with it. We just assumed we would be partners for the next few decades. We weren't going to have kids and a marriage license meant nothing to us; it meant quite a lot to the parents, though. What the hell. Make 'em all happy. Didn't mean shit to us either way. Ten minutes in a judge's chambers and the deed was done, and that was 44 years ago.

 

How long have you been Ex-C?

 

I don't know for sure. Me and the ball & chain took a detour into Christianity about 20 or so years ago and it lasted for about eight or ten years. The last thing I did as a Christian was study at Moody, where the scam of it all finally came together for me. I knew my life would change, but I had no choice. Over a few months I gave the wife enough information for her to stop going to church and abandon "serious" Christianity. I think she may still believe in some kind of a god thing, but we don't discuss religion anymore as we have none.

 

Funny, the religion my father jammed down our throats when I was a kid never took. Much later, a good friend at my work dragged me into the cult. I never thought about it critically until I was well into it, and I certainly wasn't looking for an excuse to get out.

 

44 years???

 

i thought you weren't older than 40

 

this is remarkable. i've known relatives who have had long marriages, but they seem so...idk. archaic in their worldview system. you don't seem like that at all. i'm intrigued.

 

congrats to you though. it is both curious and yet endearing to see two people stay together, who don't need to. you sound like you have wanted to. that's pretty cool.

 

and to my discredit, i'd say that is part of my problem perhaps...i tend to think people stay married, almost always because they 'needed' to. but that just might be the case.

[florduh]

i thought you weren't older than 40 

 

I'd leave her for you 

[Deidre]

 

i thought you weren't older than 40 

I'd leave her for you 

 

haha!

 

Has she stayed with you all these years because of your wit & charm?

[florduh]

 

Has she stayed with you all these years because of your wit & charm? 

 

 

Not entirely. That's the long and short of it.

[BrotherJosh]

[Deidre]

 

Has she stayed with you all these years because of your wit & charm? 

Not entirely. That's the long and short of it.

 

 

i'm still trying to process that you're older tan 40.

 

 

dammit! why don't i have any positive votes left.

 

You deserve a bunch for this! haha Good post!

[Deidre]

 

I never had dreams of getting married.  I never wanted the white dress or all that crap.  I certainly NEVER wanted to be given away!  I wanted fun and freedom!  

...

 

 

Awesome story! Thanks for posting.

 

I enjoyed "fun and freedom" in my 20s, with lots of guys, lots of sex, etc. No regrets at all.

 

When I was 32, I met the man I am with now. We've been together for nearly 25 years, living in "sin" for 23 years. I suspect we'll be together until one of us dies. There's nothing that marriage can add to this relationship.

 

However, considering that we are both now in our 50s, I'm thinking about getting married anyway — for the social security and tax benefits. I wish I could be excited about it, but I'm not. It's just a matter of getting a license and getting over to the courthouse to make it legal.

You are my new hero. Lol Seriously. Marriage wasn't necessary and you've remained together all those years. Your story inspires me and it's nice to see a long term, successful relationship that didn't choose marriage.

 

Thank you for sharing this!!

[Deidre]

Funny video about arranged marriage:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5HLsvwLPpQ

Lol BO!!

 

If only!!