Exploring Buddhism

[Antlerman]

but all of the seasoned Buddhists that I've read say that the external situations in our life should not affect our feelings of well-being. our peace and our joy is supposed to be completely unshaken by the things that go on around us. that our attitude about them should be that what happens is the best thing.

 

No?

There is a difference between our center being knocked out, and being unhappy emotionally. One can know Peace even while they are in emotional anguish. Think of it in terms of alignment and balance. You don't quit being human. Rather, you simply don't fall over in despair in the midst of turmoil. You don't lose yourself, you don't become lost. You can experience pain with peace. I know this myself. You're not immune to pain. But you are immune to being uprooted, ungrounded, and thrown about in the sea at its mercy. It's about knowing and being in touch with your center, with your ground. You see the difference now?

 

I think the language they may be using is causing confusion to how we think about these things, how we imagine it should look like.

[Deidre]

I'm glad I could help. My advice would be to stop all of your "vices" for that is the person you need to become better acquainted with. If you don't do that, you'll be destined to repeat these painful lessons.

 

When it comes to affirmation, we all want that. But if you know who you are as a man, you won't need it. And your friendships will be based on mutual respect.

 

Just my $.02

[Antlerman]

hey antler,

it feels kind of nutty to ask you this question, but are you Buddhist?

I don't self-identify with any group, other than Integral. I have a saying I think captures it. I say I am all religions, I am none. Certainly I have affinity with Buddhism though. I even got to spend the day with one of the highest lamas within the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. Here's a really cool photo at the lake place where I enjoyed strolling about with the monks and sharing dinner with them later. Very wonderful day I was honored by being asked by them to share. It was quite a beautiful and rare experience for me.

 

 

there are Buddhist ascetics that are actually happier when they are suffering. I've even seen them protesting the Vietnam War by lighting them self on fire and they're completely still with a good posture and hands clasped over their heart, and they don't even flinch as the flames engulf them. burning your flesh is one of most painful things and getting burnt alive to death must be really painful yet they don't show it.

I wouldn't say he was happy self-immolating. What he was doing is shutting off all sensation to the body through mind control, which allowed him to just sit there without flinching as he protested the government this way. That has nothing to do with how we live our lives free from suffering. It's not equatable at all.

 

I don't think the average master would ever advocated that kind of behavior, but it is still so impressive.

Sadly, the Tibetan people have been self-immolating in the scores protesting the Chinese government's treatment of them. It's a sad thing.

[Deidre]

 

Hmmm...I'm guessing but think of what I've learned so far, it's basically that pain is inevitable in this life, but suffering is an option. A choice. Your attitude towards the pain you experience, is a choice. That attitude will determine your suffering.It's a challenge, no doubt.

So when we cling, it is a defense against the fear of letting go and having only one's self. And we are afraid of our true self. Why? Because we are unfamiliar with our true self and too familiar and paradoxically comfortable with the ego selves (which are merely illusions). In this way, we make our selves unreal.When we cling, that which we cling to is what causes our suffering. We cling to the source of our pain and bond or mesh with that source. But the source of our pain (emotional and psychological) is our perceptions, impressions, interpretations, attitudes, beliefs, and self-images. And they are all transitory and illusory. So, all we really have are our illusions, and our authentic self.Why do we insist on clinging to our false self rather than letting go and simply being our true self?

Because for some of us, the false self is all we have ever known.

 

Having said that, I've made a few "small" decisions lately without fearing the outcomes. Without letting fear guide the decisions. And all I can say is...it's the coolest thing ever.

[Deidre]

So, today I had a good meditation session. I won't always share these here, but for now, I feel this is a safe haven to do so.

It was more relaxing today, and the only real thing that surfaced was the word karma. That it's inevitable, and that every person reaps what he/she sows. So, if you sow bad stuff, you will reap bad stuff. If you betray the confidence of others...or hurt others...or misrepresent others...or lie about others...or mistreat them in any way...you will reap that back, somehow ...some way.

Reaping what we sow means that there is a natural progression to our actions. There's something comforting to me about that idea, because it is based on truth. When I've been lazy for example, say with cleaning my house, over time...the clutter piles up, and what might have taken me 30 minutes to clean, now will take me a few hours. Reaping what I sow.

Likewise, comforting too is knowing that those who have betrayed my confidence or trust, will reap what they sow. I don't need to fret over it, as I might have done in the past.

Karma is inevitable. And it's Truth.
 

[Orbit]

So, today I had a good meditation session. I won't always share these here, but for now, I feel this is a safe haven to do so.

 

It was more relaxing today, and the only real thing that surfaced was the word karma. That it's inevitable, and that every person reaps what he/she sows. So, if you sow bad stuff, you will reap bad stuff. If you betray the confidence of others...or hurt others...or misrepresent others...or lie about others...or mistreat them in any way...you will reap that back, somehow ...some way.

 

Reaping what we sow means that there is a natural progression to our actions. There's something comforting to me about that idea, because it is based on truth. When I've been lazy for example, say with cleaning my house, over time...the clutter piles up, and what might have taken me 30 minutes to clean, now will take me a few hours. Reaping what I sow.

 

Likewise, comforting too is knowing that those who have betrayed my confidence or trust, will reap what they sow. I don't need to fret over it, as I might have done in the past.

 

Karma is inevitable. And it's Truth.

 

I'm glad you had a good session. Don't you just love the good ones? My favorites are when I seem to connect to the energy of the universe--it lets me know that I can still have a spiritual experience without any religious baggage...

[Deidre]

 

So, today I had a good meditation session. I won't always share these here, but for now, I feel this is a safe haven to do so.

It was more relaxing today, and the only real thing that surfaced was the word karma. That it's inevitable, and that every person reaps what he/she sows. So, if you sow bad stuff, you will reap bad stuff. If you betray the confidence of others...or hurt others...or misrepresent others...or lie about others...or mistreat them in any way...you will reap that back, somehow ...some way.

Reaping what we sow means that there is a natural progression to our actions. There's something comforting to me about that idea, because it is based on truth. When I've been lazy for example, say with cleaning my house, over time...the clutter piles up, and what might have taken me 30 minutes to clean, now will take me a few hours. Reaping what I sow.

Likewise, comforting too is knowing that those who have betrayed my confidence or trust, will reap what they sow. I don't need to fret over it, as I might have done in the past.

Karma is inevitable. And it's Truth.

 

I'm glad you had a good session. Don't you just love the good ones? My favorites are when I seem to connect to the energy of the universe--it lets me know that I can still have a spiritual experience without any religious baggage...

Yes! Maybe we are nothing but energy when all is said and done. Part of letting go is knowing that everyone is responsible for themselves, and we all reap what we sow. There is something powerful in knowing that karma is Truth.

 

Do you meditate daily?

[Orbit]

 

 

So, today I had a good meditation session. I won't always share these here, but for now, I feel this is a safe haven to do so.

It was more relaxing today, and the only real thing that surfaced was the word karma. That it's inevitable, and that every person reaps what he/she sows. So, if you sow bad stuff, you will reap bad stuff. If you betray the confidence of others...or hurt others...or misrepresent others...or lie about others...or mistreat them in any way...you will reap that back, somehow ...some way.

Reaping what we sow means that there is a natural progression to our actions. There's something comforting to me about that idea, because it is based on truth. When I've been lazy for example, say with cleaning my house, over time...the clutter piles up, and what might have taken me 30 minutes to clean, now will take me a few hours. Reaping what I sow.

Likewise, comforting too is knowing that those who have betrayed my confidence or trust, will reap what they sow. I don't need to fret over it, as I might have done in the past.

Karma is inevitable. And it's Truth.

I'm glad you had a good session. Don't you just love the good ones? My favorites are when I seem to connect to the energy of the universe--it lets me know that I can still have a spiritual experience without any religious baggage...

Yes! Maybe we are nothing but energy when all is said and done. Part of letting go is knowing that everyone is responsible for themselves, and we all reap what we sow. There is something powerful in knowing that karma is Truth.

 

Do you meditate daily?

 

I can't say that I do it every day properly, but I should. I'm more on a 3-4 times a week basis. I've come to really like the setting, lighting the candles and incense, ringing the bell--just doing that puts me in a calm state. I guess I have trained myself for that thru repetition. Karma ("doing") is a great concept--no one to forgive, no need for forgiveness, it all just works itself out.

[Deidre]

 

 

 

So, today I had a good meditation session. I won't always share these here, but for now, I feel this is a safe haven to do so.

It was more relaxing today, and the only real thing that surfaced was the word karma. That it's inevitable, and that every person reaps what he/she sows. So, if you sow bad stuff, you will reap bad stuff. If you betray the confidence of others...or hurt others...or misrepresent others...or lie about others...or mistreat them in any way...you will reap that back, somehow ...some way.

Reaping what we sow means that there is a natural progression to our actions. There's something comforting to me about that idea, because it is based on truth. When I've been lazy for example, say with cleaning my house, over time...the clutter piles up, and what might have taken me 30 minutes to clean, now will take me a few hours. Reaping what I sow.

Likewise, comforting too is knowing that those who have betrayed my confidence or trust, will reap what they sow. I don't need to fret over it, as I might have done in the past.

Karma is inevitable. And it's Truth.

 

I'm glad you had a good session. Don't you just love the good ones? My favorites are when I seem to connect to the energy of the universe--it lets me know that I can still have a spiritual experience without any religious baggage...

Yes! Maybe we are nothing but energy when all is said and done. Part of letting go is knowing that everyone is responsible for themselves, and we all reap what we sow. There is something powerful in knowing that karma is Truth.

Do you meditate daily?

I can't say that I do it every day properly, but I should. I'm more on a 3-4 times a week basis. I've come to really like the setting, lighting the candles and incense, ringing the bell--just doing that puts me in a calm state. I guess I have trained myself for that thru repetition. Karma ("doing") is a great concept--no one to forgive, no need for forgiveness, it all just works itself out.

THAT'S IT!! Yes. It just works itself out. With Christianity, I never felt the way I feel right now. That's so cool that u said that.

[Deidre]

Yes it definitely is, Human. I didn't realize I had so much I was hanging onto and needed to let go. Lol

Hope you have a good day...

 

 

Quote for today:

Don't promise when you're happy; don't reply when you're angry; don't decide when you're sad."

~ unknown

 

Hmmmm...

 

Why do you suppose we shouldn't promise something if we're happy? Does this essentially mean that we shouldn't let our emotions guide us? What do u guys think?

[Deidre]

Going to a yoga class a little later with a friend, and this particular class focuses on breathing and meditation. The instructor is Buddhist...I'm so excited!

 

Something for you all...

 

 

 

Have a beautiful weekend, everyone!

[Deidre]

 

 

 

(couldn't resist, thought this ^^ was cute)

[Antlerman]

How's it going? Are we enlightened yet?

[Deidre]

How's it going? Are we enlightened yet?

Hey there...

I'm doing ok. lol Enlightenment comes in spurts, I've noticed. But, enlightenment sometimes requires action. I've had to really look at areas in my life that are cluttered with negative or toxic people...and make some changes. It's been a hard road the past few weeks, but...I'm hopeful, that after the 'house cleaning' is through, my mind will be freer and I will happier.

 

Hope you are doing well?

[Deidre]

Antlerman, something I wanted to share with you...and wondering if u feel this way or have felt this way...

 

I've found that enlightenment is all about finding one's self, and then releasing it. Not finding something else outside of ourselves. Thoughts?

[Antlerman]

Antlerman, something I wanted to share with you...and wondering if u feel this way or have felt this way...

 

I've found that enlightenment is all about finding one's self, and then releasing it. Not finding something else outside of ourselves. Thoughts?

There a few things to share here, and forgive me if I've said this already and am repeating myself. States and stages. Someone can have an 'aha' moment, a flash of omniscience, so to speak. Everything becomes entirely transparent and illuminated, as you "Know" with a capital K. But then we subside and come back to where were at before, but with a bit of a hole in our ceiling now letting in light from that sky we never knew was there before. That's a state experience. It's temporary, and it's free. Stages on the other hand are earned. States open us, stages grow us. Through repeated state experiences, namely through the practice of meditation, we become more and more opened, more and more self-aware. And that self-awareness allows us to process consciousness what was previous buried and repressed. We start to become whole. We become healed.

 

Now from there, you start to transform into something new. You start to move to that Satori or Awakening moment, that state experience, and become that in your living daily being, from the inside out. You take the healed self (a process which continues to happen through higher stages of growth), and you begin to take that Knowledge that is exposed to you in meditation and integrate it. You quite literally become a different "You", a healed, whole and true you. Not this constricted, contracted self-reflexive self staring at their own navel. You become your true Self, awakened to yourself and the world.

 

Getting healed is the first step, but don't become disconcerted if you come back to something you thought you'd already dealt with! Not to worry, that's perfectly normal and how it works. A mistake many make is viewing this as a linear line, a ladder you climb from the lower to the higher. Though there are stages of grown, they are not even straight lines! Don't mistake a model, connecting dots on a two-dimensional plane, with the reality of it. You'll begin to see that what it is more a circular pattern, where you keep coming back to the same points on that circle, again, and again. But you need to understand, you're not right back where you started from. You've accumulated, amassed insight and knowledge along the way, and though you are back to the same point you are in fact looking at it now from a higher altitude!

 

What you begin to see is the ladder is really more like a spiral (actually more like the double helix, when you factor in other things). And in the center of this spiral is the Core. The timeless, now. Your Ground of Being. Or any number of terms you wish to attempt to describe this, Shunyata, Spirit, etc. It's resting in this as you work your way around the spirals, peeling back the layers of this onion, that your true Self begins to emerge. All in all, your learning how to walk upright, and then to truly grow into who your really are, the you beyond the you you know, who you already know deep within, buried in the center of that onion.

 

So to answer your question, yes, you don't look outside yourself. You look within to find yourself, and you will see you are already everywhere, within and without.

[Deidre]

 

Antlerman, something I wanted to share with you...and wondering if u feel this way or have felt this way...

 

I've found that enlightenment is all about finding one's self, and then releasing it. Not finding something else outside of ourselves. Thoughts?

There a few things to share here, and forgive me if I've said this already and am repeating myself. States and stages. Someone can have an 'aha' moment, a flash of omniscience, so to speak. Everything becomes entirely transparent and illuminated, as you "Know" with a capital K. But then we subside and come back to where were at before, but with a bit of a hole in our ceiling now letting in light from that sky we never knew was there before. That's a state experience. It's temporary, and it's free. Stages on the other hand are earned. States open us, stages grow us. Through repeated state experiences, namely through the practice of meditation, we become more and more opened, more and more self-aware. And that self-awareness allows us to process consciousness what was previous buried and repressed. We start to become whole. We become healed.

 

Now from there, you start to transform into something new. You start to move to that Satori or Awakening moment, that state experience, and become that in your living daily being, from the inside out. You take the healed self (a process which continues to happen through higher stages of growth), and you begin to take that Knowledge that is exposed to you in meditation and integrate it. You quite literally become a different "You", a healed, whole and true you. Not this constricted, contracted self-reflexive self staring at their own navel. You become your true Self, awakened to yourself and the world.

 

Getting healed is the first step, but don't become disconcerted if you come back to something you thought you'd already dealt with! Not to worry, that's perfectly normal and how it works. A mistake many make is viewing this as a linear line, a ladder you climb from the lower to the higher. Though there are stages of grown, they are not even straight lines! Don't mistake a model, connecting dots on a two-dimensional plane, with the reality of it. You'll begin to see that what it is more a circular pattern, where you keep coming back to the same points on that circle, again, and again. But you need to understand, you're not right back where you started from. You've accumulated, amassed insight and knowledge along the way, and though you are back to the same point you are in fact looking at it now from a higher altitude!

 

What you begin to see is the ladder is really more like a spiral (actually more like the double helix, when you factor in other things). And in the center of this spiral is the Core. The timeless, now. Your Ground of Being. Or any number of terms you wish to attempt to describe this, Shunyata, Spirit, etc. It's resting in this as you work your way around the spirals, peeling back the layers of this onion, that your true Self begins to emerge. All in all, your learning how to walk upright, and then to truly grow into who your really are, the you beyond the you you know, who you already know deep within, buried in the center of that onion.

 

So to answer your question, yes, you don't look outside yourself. You look within to find yourself, and you will see you are already everywhere, within and without.

 

Thank you for this, it's been great learning from you. One thing I'll say...is that there were a few set backs, for lack of a better word. Triggers that happened due to say a stressful situation at work, or a negative person in my social circle...and those triggers sometimes get in the way of my quiet time. Even though I'm better at not letting that happen. lol

 

My laptop is about to die, I will write more tomorrow...I have some questions for you. Thank you, again. You are a kind man.

[Orbit]

How's it going? Are we enlightened yet?

Haha!  I find I have moments of enlightenment, kind of like peak experiences. I love it when it happens and remembering what it was like keeps me going until the next one. I find that the farther I go, the farther there is to go. I suppose as long as I'm alive it will never be over. I'm making an effort to incorporate the ideas in the Tao to my life and find that's it's actually quite practical. The most practical thing is the idea of bending with the wind. I'm finding that very helpful at work. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I actually feel like a sapling bending instead of breaking, not trying to force things, swimming with the stream.

[Deidre]

Thank you for your help and insight, Antlerman.  I had a post with some questions, etc...but, meh...doesn't matter, really. I'm going through some things, and just need to work through them I guess.

[Antlerman]

I find that the farther I go, the farther there is to go. I suppose as long as I'm alive it will never be over.

That is absolutely correct. Like I've said somehow we get this idea that Enlightenment is the end. Suddenly you wake up and you're all done, sort of like the child's idea of heaven where everyone sits on clouds and plays harps all day and night. A good way I like to describe it is the difference between Freedom and Fullness. Enlightenment is Freedom. We are now Aware, and from that Freedom we live and experience ourselves and lives. It's a condition of our being. Being centered and grounded and rooted in that Awareness of Pure Consciousness. But from there we experience life.

 

We are still us. We still have our personality, albeight radically more informed by this higher-level awareness. We still have our emotional body. We still have our mental body, our symbolic-self or the "ego". We still have our physical body. And they all are in motion. There is more and more of life coming to it, informing it, changing it. We are not static. And so Fullness, is living life from that point of Freedom. We can never be freer than Freedom itself, which we have and are, but we can have greater and greater Fullness - infinitely. It operates in the relative plane, the manifest domain. And since it is all evolving, and as long as it is in motion, alive, it will continue to expand, and our movement within that is that Fullness.

 

I'm making an effort to incorporate the ideas in the Tao to my life and find that's it's actually quite practical. The most practical thing is the idea of bending with the wind. I'm finding that very helpful at work. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I actually feel like a sapling bending instead of breaking, not trying to force things, swimming with the stream.

Very good. Yes, it is hard to describe this, but I'll try. It's like when things come to you, you are almost surprised to see how you don't react as you once did. Rather than catching whatever that was, holding it, and responding to it with your set of defenses, you become more of a witness, an observer of them. They are still yours to deal with, but your mind is "above" them looking at them, and you are not living down in the emotions and being all defensive of the ego as its protector. You are more now like, "Oh, ok. That's unpleasant. How will I deal with this?" And you even though you feel the emotion, you are not swept away by it. It become light and rather than smacking you in the chest and knocking you on the floor, or that you buttress against it to withstand it, you simply take it, look at it, and set it down. That's the bending you describe.

 

It's a radically more effective way to live out our lives.

[Antlerman]

Thank you for your help and insight, Antlerman.  I had a post with some questions, etc...but, meh...doesn't matter, really. I'm going through some things, and just need to work through them I guess.

That's interesting. I wonder how it got deleted? Nonetheless, I got an email notification before it blew up and the content of it was in there. Here's what you wrote and I'll respond from there:

 

I finally had an opportunity to really read and digest this, tonight. I appreciate all you've had to say here.

 

I hear you, this 'new you' that emerges, but I have to want to become new. An example would be in dealing with jerks that come my way. Like we all have to encounter at different times in life. The 'old' me would just tolerate bad behaviors, or try to appease such people. This stems from trying to be a people pleaser as a kid...and also stems from the notion that women should be tolerant ...this might be a leftover feeling from Christianity. I don't know.

 

How to change this, though. How to implement changes on this path, in a sustainable way. That's been my challenge, lately.

Your work is to come to know and love yourself. That's what happens in meditation. It's all about self-discovery, and self-mastery. You get in touch, become intimate with your authentic self. As that opens to you, that becomes who you are. You just start operating out of that mind. As I said though, there are and will remain habits. Those habits kick in pulling from the old egoic operating system. It's what it learned to do to cope as best it could in the past. Think of this like upgrading your operating system. "Oh, that's right I change this setting over here now, not where it used to be". You have to become familiar with it and new habits will form. If in doubt where to go, just find your Center. Take time apart to not 'figure things out', but to recenter. You learn it's not about knowing what to do, it's about flowing. And that is where that self-knowledge comes in. Always come back to that. You'll figure the rest out.

 

I haven't meditated the past two days. I should, but I haven't. I'm waiting for this grandiose sense of peace to wash over me ...and there are moments of it, for sure.

You mean you're waiting for that sense of presence before you meditate? I always find that's what's there waiting for me to meditate. Trust me, you'll go through phases of avoidance, for who knows whatever reason. Over the last 4 years I've probably only missed a couple or few dozen days meditating. But for some reason, lately I've missed a lot of days. It happens. Sometimes it's for reasons of digesting. Sometimes its so intense you pull back. It's been fear of lot of the time for me in the past. It begins to seem overwhelming, too far, too fast. That's all part of the process as well. It's not just what happens on the mat in meditation, but everything surrounding it.

 

Keep a journal for yourself, if I haven't mentioned that before. Write in it after meditation while your mind is still in that place. Keep it chronological, so you can look back over it after a few months or so to see back at what ground you've covered, what's opened to you.

 

But, there is that layer of the onion that perhaps I'm 'stuck' on, and just don't want to peel away. Changing old bad habits about yourself isn't easy. I don't have any vices per se, I don't smoke, I drink socially and sparingly, I don't do drugs, I eat healthy. But, the one ''vice'' for lack of a better word that maybe I hold onto still, is my own fear of change.

I think you'll find that fear is at its bottom line an existential fear. It's face will continually be there, and avoidance or holding yourself back in meditation is part of that. In fact, one could argue even in meditation we end up not being fully present in the moment because we are not wanting to look into the Face of that existential dread. And that dread is our own self-annihilation. You and everyone else alive lives with that.

 

What meditation does as you go deeper and deeper, is put you up against your own death. It is a death experience. But what makes it terrifying, is our clinging to our sense of control. Everyday in meditation, it is about learning to release yourself. I describe it as falling backward into the Ocean. It truly is as an act of trust. It is learning to let go and simply allow. As we fall, we don't die but what is inside is released! And I'm not talking our emotional and psychological baggage, but our true Self.

 

As that happens, when we experience that, typically there will be ecstatic experience along with it, profound love, joy, tears, laughter, etc. I know it well. What that is really that part of yourself you've bound up in the ego operating system exuberantly saying, "Thank you! Oh, thank you!", to you for letting yourself go! And joy it is!! Eventually, there is profound calmness and normalized familiarity with this place you go to, this open spaciousness. You rest in there. You breathe, and each breath is clear and full, inhaling the world, and exhaling your light to it in a flowing calmness. Your mind is clear and unshaken, undistracted. And this becomes something you become able to instantly open to at anytime of the day, as this becomes a familiar motion to move from embeddedness in the thoughts to groundedness in your being.

It's not something that I'm cognizant of...like 'oh, I'm stuck today.' But, when I run across an asshole and I still let him/her offend me, (I'm letting that happen)...it's at that moment, I sense that I'm stuck. Sigh.

 

Any thoughts to this? Did you go through anything similar?

It's normal. Keep practicing meditation. This is work. At the heart of all of it is your intention.

 

Peace

[Deidre]

lol *I* deleted it. I just didn't want to come off as a whiner.

 

But, thank you for taking the time to read it and reply.

 

''Existential dread.'' WOW. I've never heard that said like that before. Everything you have replied here, has been so helpful. You don't know. Ever since I broke up with my bf recently, it's not him that I miss or whatever. It's more that the reasons I'm ending relationships are all about fear. It's always been easier to remove that which I fear, than deal with it. But, since meditating upon all of this...and some things have come to light...I can't go backwards now, to where I once was. Ignorance is bliss. You know?

 

It is so comforting to read your words here, seriously. If I'm ever in doubt or feeling angst again, I'll come here to read what you've posted. The part about it being 'work.' Yea, I guess when you have been living part of your life making decisions based on fear, it's going to take work to change that paradigm.

 

You're awesome, thank you!

[Deidre]

Enjoy...

 

[Deidre]

Antlerman, I meditated today. It had been a few days, and I thought...before I completely fall out of this, I need to get back to it. So, I set the tone, the music. And really settled my mind. I chose to repeat the words...''I want to change. I don't want to fear anymore.'' Repeated it in my mind. I realized today, that I have spent a lifetime blaming my childhood, or bad relationships with men, or whatever...on my extreme trust issues, and overly cautious ways. But, the truth is...I have chosen to hang onto it and ...I can choose to let it go.

 

And honestly, Christianity stood in my way all these years, because I would give my troubles to 'god.' Thinking I didn't have to do any hard work. That's what the Bible says, right?

 

I think some of my angst with all of this, has come from knowing, that the road back to Christianity, is gone. I will never go back.

 

There's nothing to go back to. And I can choose.

 

Thank you for being such a help through this.

[Antlerman]

Thanks for your kind words. I'm grateful. To let you know I'm at a cabin with no Internet access and limited cell service. So I cant type a lot on the phone. When I get back I want to talk about the Witness or the Observer. Are you familiar with this?