Navigating Relationships And Dating As An X-Tian?

[Autumn2909]

I'm still at the confused, unsure, mixed up de converting stage.

But this is one thing that is really worrying me. Yes Christianity was a mindfuck, but at least the 'rules' about dating, relationships, intimacy were clear (at least at my church/denomination they were more or less) but know I feel like I don't have a clue and it all kind of freaks me out.

When I was a professing Christian, I was a single mid-twenties female waiting for marriage. Dating was to happen after friendship and only with 'intention'.

Now I'm a mid twenties virgin who can't hold together a relationship (seems like anyway).

I'm guessing I'm not the only one left a bit screwed up post-Christianity in this area?

Advice, sharing stories, feel free to post x x

[Guest ninurta]

You might want to seek therapy, a trained therapist can help you with relationship troubles. It doesn't mean that religion has left you with mental illness, it causes relationship issues with alot of us who leave the fold. The longer you've stayed, it seems like the more damage it would do. Good luck on your quest to build you're relationships!

 

Also, in general these days, relationships can be tough waters to sail, even getting out of the bay and into the sea can be difficult.

[Bayard]

Yeah, I know how you feel. On the other hand, I've been trying not to beat myself up over squandered opportunities in college because of having been stuck in an absurd Christian mindset about dating/relationships.

[maxmaxmaxmax]

No, you’re not the only one. I gave up my faith aged 23, and it felt like I was thrown into the deep end when it came to dating and told to swim for the first time.

 

it is hard and confusing trying to meet people in the real world. In a way there are no rules, only expectations. There’s still morality, whatever it means to you, maybe treating others with respect, being honest about what you both want etc., but there’s always morality. Expectations are very different to the christian world in certain areas, such as at what point each person considers it appropriate to start getting intimate. And, depending on your cultural context, people might have surprising expectations about exclusivity, level of commitment, level of seriousness etc.

 

I’ve discovered most of this the hard way, although obviously you have to use a bit of common sense. I also read a few ‘magazine’ type articles online, watched some youtube videos on relationships and dating, to get a feel for what was considered ‘normal’ if there is such a thing.

 

One thing I didn’t want was for the pendulum to swing too far the other way. In other words, after deciding that I wanted to broaden my horizons beyond a concept of relationships as basically only something leading up to a one-woman-one-man marriage for the rest of life, with a ‘soulmate’ you probably met at church, it’s not like I wanted to become a promiscuous and chauvinistic animal either, treating partners badly and never committing to anything serious. You may think, ‘why would that be the only other option?’, but I really thought it was a choice between that and the full-on Christian concept, a hyper-romanticised life of purity and boredom.

 

As a Christian, the way promiscuity was portrayed to me made it seem utterly depraved; I no longer see it that way. To me, there’s nothing inherently immoral about it. Depending on what stage of life and relationships you’re at, and what you and partners want, it can be both healthy and fun.

 

I still have boundaries, but they are different ones. I have come to view honesty as one of the most important things for any relationship, romantic or sexual, whether lasting a lifetime or one night. It doesn’t mean you can’t keep some things private, especially early on, but lying is both a breach of respect for the other person and counter-productive for achieving any kind of closeness, which is what relationship is about. Mutual consent (for anything, not just sex) is another absolute that has to be there for me.

 

I could go on. I would advise being open about where you’re coming from if you can, even on a first date. You don’t have to go into all the gory details but something like, ‘I’m actually kind of new to the whole dating thing, I was a christian for quite a while and I’m used to quite a different view of relationships’.

 

I didn’t feel I could tell someone I was dating about my christian past until quite a way in, and it turned out she was completely fine about it. I wished I’d had the courage to open up about it sooner, it would have made me feel a lot more comfortable, and a lot of stuff would have made more sense to her.

 

Good luck.

[Ellinas]

One other thought - there's nothing actually wrong with being a 20-something virgin.

 

I converted to fundamentalist Christianity when in my early 20's.  I was and remained a virgin for around the next decade.  I very much doubt if those timescales for sexual activity would have been any different had I converted earlier or never at all - it was just not something of major importance for me.

 

If it's an issue for you, seek the help you need as suggested above.  But be aware you are under no pressure either way.

[VacuumFlux]

I still have boundaries, but they are different ones. I have come to view honesty as one of the most important things for any relationship, romantic or sexual, whether lasting a lifetime or one night. It doesn’t mean you can’t keep some things private, especially early on, but lying is both a breach of respect for the other person and counter-productive for achieving any kind of closeness, which is what relationship is about. Mutual consent (for anything, not just sex) is another absolute that has to be there for me.

 

Yeah, this. Morality is about respecting other people - their boundaries, their goals in a relationship. And about respecting yourself, so that you can enforce your own boundaries and not stick with someone who isn't good for you. It's not about what a god wants for you, it's about what you want, and how to get that in a way that doesn't harm anyone else or infringe on their ability to seek their own happiness. Dating isn't pre-marriage, so don't be afraid to break it off if you realize it's not right for you.

 

It took me quite a while of talking to non-religious friends about ethics and "normal people" to figure this stuff out. I'm still not all that great at it, but I'm better about it than I used to be. And I had friends who made it clear that even if they thought my boundaries were silly, it was still wrong for anyone to cross them. Just be aware that if your boundaries are not the norm for your culture, you're going to have to be pro-active about making that clear early on. Otherwise you end up in some really uncomfortable situations.

[wyson]

I would say, go with your instincts. I had trouble holding down relationships, all through my 20's, until I decided go with what I wanted, morality be damned. Even though I had given up belief in a sky daddy many years previously, I was still shackled to Christian morality, ideas of purity, and these were holding me back. It had to change. I thought... right, I'll do what I want, regardless. If I want sex with 10 different women in the space of a month, then I'll go for that. If I want commitment, then I'll go for that... I'll try a bit of this and that and see what feels right. In the end I found someone I found really attractive, asked her out, slept with her within 2 weeks and eventually ended up marrying her her.

 

For me, indulging my sexual desire / in sex fully was the missing key to maintaining a long term relationship (I was a "technical" virgin, although had hooked up with my fair share, with a ton of guilt attached I might add!). It literally became the glue that held things together until one day, I realised I didn't want to live without her anymore. When the arguing got really bad, instead of breaking up as previously, I always found myself returning to her, often for sex, and modified my behaviour to achieve this end. Instinctively, I just wanted to possess her, and make her bare my children and did whatever I felt it would take to achieve this aim. Even today, I surprise myself at the lengths I will go to, to ensure possession! Of course we love each other, but the underlying reason why we are together and married is primarily primitive. It isn't spiritual, it isn't about finding a Bride for Christ or finding a Christian soulmate with whom I can glorify God. At least for my male psyche its about procreation or at least the potential for procreation first and foremost. Body not mind. Sex not conversation! Of course, she is a "nice person" from a "nice family" and all the rest of it, but I know many girls like this who remain just friends. And there in lies the difference. My instincts aren't telling me to possess my friends and make them have my babies!

 

Think about what you might like. Then try it out. See if you still like it when confronted with the reality. Let reality, and what you want be your guide. Now you are functioning outside the Christian framework, you will have to do everyone else without a top down belief system does... that is experiment and find what works for you. Oh and have fun!

 

ALSO

 

Personally, I wouldn't worry about hurting other people. I think you have to go for what you want. There is nothing in the world that will stop a guy from hurting if you reject him and he still wants to date you. But how are you supposed to know if you want to date him or not, if you don't try? Deep into a relationship (say 12 months +), I would also not worry about pushing someone elses boundaries. In order for my marriage to work, my wife had to push mine, and I had to push hers. This process of compromise and accommodation resulted in us growing together as a couple. It was essential for developing love. Of course, it doesn't mean you should be deliberately nasty, but sometimes your needs have to be met ahead of your partners and vice versa, even if they aren't initially comfortable or even happy making the compromise. Having said this, I think there is a ineffable core to a person that has to be respected. I would speculate its their genetics / wiring and they are born that way. However, a lot of values, boundaries and goals are social constructs that may be difficult to change, but can be pushed and compromised. Think... is this just the way I do things, or is it intrinsically bad? Can I learn and grow from this experience, together with my guy, even if the adjustment may be a little uncomfortable?

 

Anyway, did I also mention you should have fun?! Have fun out there! Also, by instincts I didn't necessarily mean sexual ones... its whatever you want, fulfilling your needs as a person. I find for most women, including my wife, its intimacy and security, warm feelings of trust and closeness. For guys, its a lot more straight forward!