Jump to content
Goodbye Jesus

A-Mum's Jesus Fixation Is Devestating To Me


rach

Recommended Posts

First let me remind everyone that I'm not out as a non-believer.  That's extremely serious stuff in my family and I may never be able to get that far.  I am dying to do it.  And if I never come out, they'll never know the real me.  But, I don't think they want to know the real me.  Bottom line, if and when I do come out, I can expect only a harsh and cruel reaction along with intense conversion attempts and I'm not prepared to face that. 

 

My a-mum has a massive fixation and obsession on Jesus Christ.  This has been going on since before I was brought into the family.  Now I have seen some Jesus freaks in my day.  But I have not really encountered somebody like a-mum.  With her we are dealing with what is a celebrity fixation.  There are very high emotions involved and a feeling of a very strong relationship between the two.  We have all heard of people which develop a fixation on a certain celebrity figure.  They convince themselves that they have a strong and particular relationship with their idol, the relationship of course not actually existing anywhere but their mind.  The obsession can become dangerous for the ill person and for the celebrity.  This is a-mum and her Jesus.  It is very hard to live with as a family member.  She might even acknowledge that she is obsessed with him but she will say that it is good because he's perfect

 

I once was obsessed with Jesus Christ myself but in a very different way.  I was obsessed about his power to send me to hell.  I did not make a personal connection with him or a loving relationship so after I read the bible, found out how insane it was, I was able to walk away without too much heartache for Jesus.  But a-mum is married to this guy, in her mind at least.  It's hard to talk about Jesus at all because if you suggest he is anything less than perfect she will go off into a frenzy.  I just want her to start thinking.  I just want to plant in her mind that this man isn't perfect.  That she is worshipping an idealized man that does not exist, even if Christ himself exists, he cannot be all that she imagines.  There also seems to be a physical fascination.  I believe that if Christ were presented as physically ugly it would really help with people like my a-mum not to get so "involved" with him.  But he is presented as physically beautiful in art.  Movies like "Son of God" and "Passion" with their beautiful Christs are not helping they are hurting people like a-mum.  There was a time that she started talking about Christ's body physically and described how appealing he must have been.  How muscular and basically sexy without using the word sexy. 

 

This woman knows her bible very well.  Knows all the deep dark evil things it says about it's god.  But she doesn't see that because she can't allow herself to see that.  She is in a relationship with a sexy superman god guy that loves her more than anything and is going to be taking her to live with him forever.  This is not some innocent imaginary teenage love affair with a celebrity.  She will do anything if she thinks Jesus wants her to.  If it comes to it, she would be very likely to hurt someone including her own family if she thought that's what her lover wanted. 

 

I'm very sad with this.  A-mum's given her whole life and brain away to this guy who is never going to show up.  I wish Jesus Christ would have never been part of our family. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's hot for Jesus.  That's disturbing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Certain people become hypotized by cruelty and power. Don't know what that is about. Likely it has some social and Darwinian advantage. What is an a-mum?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First let me remind everyone that I'm not out as a non-believer.  That's extremely serious stuff in my family and I may never be able to get that far.  I am dying to do it.  And if I never come out, they'll never know the real me.  But, I don't think they want to know the real me.  Bottom line, if and when I do come out, I can expect only a harsh and cruel reaction along with intense conversion attempts and I'm not prepared to face that. 

 

My a-mum has a massive fixation and obsession on Jesus Christ.  This has been going on since before I was brought into the family.  Now I have seen some Jesus freaks in my day.  But I have not really encountered somebody like a-mum.  With her we are dealing with what is a celebrity fixation.  There are very high emotions involved and a feeling of a very strong relationship between the two.  We have all heard of people which develop a fixation on a certain celebrity figure.  They convince themselves that they have a strong and particular relationship with their idol, the relationship of course not actually existing anywhere but their mind.  The obsession can become dangerous for the ill person and for the celebrity.  This is a-mum and her Jesus.  It is very hard to live with as a family member.  She might even acknowledge that she is obsessed with him but she will say that it is good because he's perfect

 

I once was obsessed with Jesus Christ myself but in a very different way.  I was obsessed about his power to send me to hell.  I did not make a personal connection with him or a loving relationship so after I read the bible, found out how insane it was, I was able to walk away without too much heartache for Jesus.  But a-mum is married to this guy, in her mind at least.  It's hard to talk about Jesus at all because if you suggest he is anything less than perfect she will go off into a frenzy.  I just want her to start thinking.  I just want to plant in her mind that this man isn't perfect.  That she is worshipping an idealized man that does not exist, even if Christ himself exists, he cannot be all that she imagines.  There also seems to be a physical fascination.  I believe that if Christ were presented as physically ugly it would really help with people like my a-mum not to get so "involved" with him.  But he is presented as physically beautiful in art.  Movies like "Son of God" and "Passion" with their beautiful Christs are not helping they are hurting people like a-mum.  There was a time that she started talking about Christ's body physically and described how appealing he must have been.  How muscular and basically sexy without using the word sexy. 

 

This woman knows her bible very well.  Knows all the deep dark evil things it says about it's god.  But she doesn't see that because she can't allow herself to see that.  She is in a relationship with a sexy superman god guy that loves her more than anything and is going to be taking her to live with him forever.  This is not some innocent imaginary teenage love affair with a celebrity.  She will do anything if she thinks Jesus wants her to.  If it comes to it, she would be very likely to hurt someone including her own family if she thought that's what her lover wanted. 

 

I'm very sad with this.  A-mum's given her whole life and brain away to this guy who is never going to show up.  I wish Jesus Christ would have never been part of our family. 

 

What does "a-mum" mean?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A-mum is Rach's adoptive mother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry you have had to live with this.

 

It sounds so sick and so difficult.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

a-mum "adoptive mum". 

 

It is a sickness.  But it's a sickness that she cannot see.  Only other people can see it, and only people who are close to her.  In regular society it doesn't show its full intensity.  Just family, really, can see it at home and have to deal with it.  Llwellyn, "hypnotized" is a good word for it.  Sometime when I'm alone with her I want to say something like this.  "Mum, I was wondering, who matters more to you?  Jesus or I?"  (I'm sure it would be him) and also "Mum, if Jesus Christ murdered or raped someone would you still want to worship him?" (again, afraid of the answer) and "Mum, if Jesus told you to physically torture me, would you do it") (very afraid of the answer). 

 

It feels like there is an extra presence in our house.  Theres mum, dad, siblings and then theres the "other man" Jesus. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like an obsession that has reached the point of mental illness.  Having said that, I'm not sure it's that uncommon in fundy circles.  They have to accept the divine perfection of Christ - and that leads to a whole lot of emotional baggage.  It's something that really sets my teeth on edge when I hear some Christian talking about their "lovely" or "wonderful" lord, his "beauty" etc.  However, it is a common phenomenon for fundies to express such ideas and your adoptive mother has simply absorbed this into her emotional psyche to the point that it has become almost like a romantic fixation.

 

Hopefully, one day, you'll be able to distance yourself physically from the rest of your family, state your position and impose your own terms for how far they can go in their reactions.  Until then, from your description, I suspect you will be inviting an awful lot of unnecessary trouble if you do anything other than play along.

 

Patience and planning are your solutions to this one.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah.  It's so hard not to just snap.  I have to bottle everything up.  I can't say one negative thing about Jesus.  Might as well be living in North Korea. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There also seems to be a physical fascination.  I believe that if Christ were presented as physically ugly it would really help with people like my a-mum not to get so "involved" with him.  But he is presented as physically beautiful in art.  Movies like "Son of God" and "Passion" with their beautiful Christs are not helping they are hurting people like a-mum.  There was a time that she started talking about Christ's body physically and described how appealing he must have been.  How muscular and basically sexy without using the word sexy. 

 

 

On a related note: Post deconversion I find some of the christian songs a little creepy. I know fundies say they love Jesus, but now that I'm not wearing my god earphones anymore it's starting to sound more like they're "in love" with Jesus.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

They are. Note how the evangelicals have produced books, in particular for women, demonstrating Jesus as the best lover ever. No man, husband or anyone, could compete. He's the perfect, sexless, loving, protective man. We have for years heard how it's unfair for a man to expect the "Camelot" and the "Madonna" and this is true: it's unfair to expect that. But in Jesus, many of these women have the male alternative: the supersensitive and the big and strong at the same time. It's got to be awful to be a child in this situation. What you need is unconditional love from your parents, especially adoptive parents. Yet this is clearly conditional, not unconditional.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If another "handsome Jesus" movie like son of god comes out I think I am going to lose my mind.  I think somewhere inside of her she is drawing comparisons between perfect Jesus and her admittedly very flawed family, and we always come up short.  So she has to keep filling her life up with more Jesus because I can't be physically and spiritually flawless like he can.  If she starts talking about Jesus physical form again what I will do is point her to the book of revelations in which Jesus' form is depicted very different to what they show in the movies

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh my gosh this sounds awful. Do you live with your a-mom now? If so I hope you'll be able to put some distance between you and her soon. My mom was deluded about a lot of things before and she is still deluded about god. When I was a teenager she was in an abusive relationship with my dad and she was so brainwashed and in so much denial about the relationship. I thought I was going to go crazy because my brother and I were stuck in this really bad situation until my mom could stop deluding herself and actually take care of us. Our situation is different but I think the feeling might be similar.

 

I can confidently say that my mom would never have left my dad if he didn't give her the divorce papers. My mom would have stayed married to him to protect her vow to god and protect her own soul rather than get out of the marriage and protect me and my brother. I would always try to talk sense into her and tell her we needed to get away from my dad, she would agree with me for two minutes and then go right back to being deluded and thinking it's her duty to stay with my dad because of god.

 

I said all that to say you aren't responsible for helping your mom out of her delusion. No matter what you do she is going to make her own decisions and will probably continue her obsession. I hope she will get out of this, but I know from my own experience that my mom never went to counseling and never did anything to help herself. Your mom has to want to get help. I hope you won't take on her burdens and try to fix her because that will only hurt you a lot. Take care of yourself and find ways to nurture yourself and let your mom do what she is going to do. Sorry if this seems preachy, I just feel for you a lot because my mom was too obsessed with god and other things to be a mom to me too. I know it's really saddening to see people delude themselves and I know it hurts. Take care and best wishes to you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's mother (yeah, you read that right) used to hear the voice of Christ talking to her in the shower.  So no, these types of experiences are not uncommon.

 

But if there's one thing I would say, is COME OUT if you can summon the strength.  You must be true to yourself.  If you don't come out, you're living in a prison created by your A-Mum.  We're here for you.

 

Coming out is one of the most rewarding things I've ever done.  My family is extremely fundamentalist/evangelistic.  I've had conversations now with my parents, grandparents, and a couple other relatives about my ex-Christianity.  It's a very freeing feeling.  Even though they told me I was going to hell, gave me books to read, and didn't quit trying to suck me back in for a couple of years.

In fact, I felt as light as a feather after I told them off (politely).  I felt empowered, like I'd unlocked my own potential.

 

You have to pursue the truth and not let other people hold you at bay.

 

I would say the same thing to a gay person who was still in the closet.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

But if there's one thing I would say, is COME OUT if you can summon the strength.  You must be true to yourself.  If you don't come out, you're living in a prison created by your A-Mum.  We're here for you.

 

It's funny how you mention "coming out".  And I want to, so bad.  I just can't because of my family circumstances.  I am very dependant on my adoptive family.  Also I have fragile mental health and have had many serious nervous breakdowns before.  The harassment and outrage that I would receive from my family and friends if I did come out would no doubt send me into another serious breakdown, and I'd end up forced to "fake re-convert" to get the harassment to stop.  Keep in mind, my a-family and friends take hell seriously. There really is a burning oven that I will be thrown into if I am not a by-the-book Christian.  In their own confused way, they are saving me from a burning oven by forcing Christianity on me. 

 

Christianity has been forced on me since I was two years old and not just the regular variety but the excessive, zealous, life-dominating variety.  As a straight person I have learnt what it feels like to be gay.  What I mean is I did everything I could do to try and be Christian and to try to love it and to try to make it natural for me.  But no matter what I did my spirit said "no."  I thought I should go to church.  I thought "I belong here".  But my spirit said "no."  I was so unhappy every time I was in a church building.  And I thought something was wrong with me because my a-family loved being there and everybody else seemed to enjoy it or at least not mind it.  My spirit was going crazy to just get out of that building and away from the bible.  I interpreted it as having an especially sinful and rebellious heart.  Singing Christian songs, again my spirit would just say "no" and want to listen to "secular" songs.  Reading the bible, again my spirit became upset and I had to force bible down like forcing down unappetizing food.  I realize that what I have been through and what I continue to go through with trying to be a Chistian is like a gay or lesbian person trying to make themselves straight.  It just doesn't work.  A lesbian woman can't force herself to be attracted to men and I cannot force myself to be attracted to Christianity.  I am something else.  Something non-religious and yet spiritual.  I wish I had some acceptable label (I mean acceptable to society and my family) I could put on myself and say "mum and dad, I want you to know that I am not a Chistian anymore.  I am ________________. "  But that would never fly in my adoptive family and most of my community Christian is the only accepted label. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

 

But if there's one thing I would say, is COME OUT if you can summon the strength.  You must be true to yourself.  If you don't come out, you're living in a prison created by your A-Mum.  We're here for you.

 

It's funny how you mention "coming out".  And I want to, so bad.  I just can't because of my family circumstances.  I am very dependant on my adoptive family.  Also I have fragile mental health and have had many serious nervous breakdowns before.  The harassment and outrage that I would receive from my family and friends if I did come out would no doubt send me into another serious breakdown, and I'd end up forced to "fake re-convert" to get the harassment to stop.  Keep in mind, my a-family and friends take hell seriously. There really is a burning oven that I will be thrown into if I am not a by-the-book Christian.  In their own confused way, they are saving me from a burning oven by forcing Christianity on me. 

 

Christianity has been forced on me since I was two years old and not just the regular variety but the excessive, zealous, life-dominating variety.  As a straight person I have learnt what it feels like to be gay.  What I mean is I did everything I could do to try and be Christian and to try to love it and to try to make it natural for me.  But no matter what I did my spirit said "no."  I thought I should go to church.  I thought "I belong here".  But my spirit said "no."  I was so unhappy every time I was in a church building.  And I thought something was wrong with me because my a-family loved being there and everybody else seemed to enjoy it or at least not mind it.  My spirit was going crazy to just get out of that building and away from the bible.  I interpreted it as having an especially sinful and rebellious heart.  Singing Christian songs, again my spirit would just say "no" and want to listen to "secular" songs.  Reading the bible, again my spirit became upset and I had to force bible down like forcing down unappetizing food.  I realize that what I have been through and what I continue to go through with trying to be a Chistian is like a gay or lesbian person trying to make themselves straight.  It just doesn't work.  A lesbian woman can't force herself to be attracted to men and I cannot force myself to be attracted to Christianity.  I am something else.  Something non-religious and yet spiritual.  I wish I had some acceptable label (I mean acceptable to society and my family) I could put on myself and say "mum and dad, I want you to know that I am not a Chistian anymore.  I am ________________. "  But that would never fly in my adoptive family and most of my community Christian is the only accepted label. 

 

 

I wouldn't consider coming out until you're financially independant. I have seen what christians are capable of doing to their children.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.