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Goodbye Jesus

Bipolar Mania Issues


Brother Jeff

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Posted this to Facebook but want to share it here too. 

 

It has been about a month now since I stopped taking the Geodon, which as most of you know, was for the bipolar disorder. I am definitely now in a manic phase and may be more so than I really realize. I'm not to the point of making irresponsible and impulsive decisions that might have serious consequences, and I'm not going days without sleep. I think I was pretty manic when I was seriously considering a 24 mile hike in the Alaskan wilderness all alone, and trying to do it in one day, with few outdoors survival skills under my belt, should I have needed them. I would still love to do that hike, but definitely not alone! I recognize the wisdom of that now. My friend Steve Schoonmaker has thus far shown no interest in joining me, but if not him, surely I can find someone else to hook up with! Steve is a busy guy with a lot on his plate and he may just not have time to do it. Or hiking 24 miles in one day may not appeal to him at all. I just don't know since I haven't yet heard from him. Not mad at him at all. Just taking the lack of response as him being busy and not that interested in it.
 
Anyway, the main symptom of the bipolar mania has been so much trouble getting good sleep! It is always a problem, but the insomnia the last month or so has been severe. It's always hard to get to sleep, and that's after being up much later than usual, and being even more obsessed with Facebook than normal. I usually have to take a lot of sleep meds to make sleep happen, and then I usually only manage a few hours of good sleep. And, even with the desmopressin onboard, I still am up once usually to pee, and then it takes me a long time to get back to sleep.
 
The other annoying symptom of bipolar mania is that is really bothering me is having racing thoughts. Late at night, when I really need to be trying hard to sleep, my exhausted but manic mind is going a million miles an hour all over the place. I stay up sometimes at least an hour with my mind going everywhere thinking out loud about recent events and even stuff that happened to me many years ago that no longer even matters now. It's highly irritating, but usually after several efforts to shut my mind up and get to sleep, it works and I am finally there.
 
EDIT: Another symptom I am often hit with in the manic phase is brief but intense returns to fanatical religious belief. Fortunately, I have not lost my mind and had that happen again. I may be manic, but my religious views remain unchanged, and I hope they stay that way. I have no desire at all to go off the deep end again in that way...
 
I would HATE to have to go back on some sort of medication again. I would refuse Geodon, and Zyprexa doesn't work well for me either. It does make me sleep very well indeed, but it also causes significant weight gain, constant hunger, and absolutely insane sugar cravings. Those side effects, too, I find totally unacceptable. And the Geodon is unacceptable because it's so hard on my heart. A racing, pounding heart that leads to anxiety attacks that sometimes have sent me to the ER I don't need!
 
So... not sure what to do. I just know that I need sleep! I cannot continue to function well long with only a few hours of sleep a night, and I have been so groggy and tired today, that at 2:40 pm now, I have not yet been outside to enjoy the awesome late summer Alaska weather! Ugh...
 
Anybody have any thoughts? I am getting desperate for a good night of sleep! The last month or so has been awful!
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Contact your doctor. Maybe you need a temporary med to get you through this. You could try a hefty dose of Trazodone for sleep--no side effects.

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Guest ninurta

I find that finding healthy outlets like hikes do help, but I agree, that you should bring a knowledged buddy. I'm lucky that a rusty bike chain was the worst I had to deal with when mania drove me to ride a bicycle in a blizzard at night one year, 30 miles at that. What was I thinking? It seemed like fun, it was exciting, but probably not very wise.

 

You gotta admit though, mania can feel amazing. That's part of why its dangerous. The diminished fear, the increased excitement. It's a shame that you end up with less reason in that state, because it would be really awesome if it weren't for the impulsivity, and sometimes doing really dumb things.

 

I refuse to leave my apartment sometimes when manic. If I do, I never bring money. It will be gone when I get home.

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I find that finding healthy outlets like hikes do help, but I agree, that you should bring a knowledged buddy. I'm lucky that a rusty bike chain was the worst I had to deal with when mania drove me to ride a bicycle in a blizzard at night one year, 30 miles at that. What was I thinking? It seemed like fun, it was exciting, but probably not very wise.

 

You gotta admit though, mania can feel amazing. That's part of why its dangerous. The diminished fear, the increased excitement. It's a shame that you end up with less reason in that state, because it would be really awesome if it weren't for the impulsivity, and sometimes doing really dumb things.

 

I refuse to leave my apartment sometimes when manic. If I do, I never bring money. It will be gone when I get home.

 

Back in 2012, a severe manic episode drove me to run up a $16,000 credit card bill in a matter of days, and I went several nights with almost no sleep at all. No fun, and my father ended up having to pay off the huge credit card bill. He was understandably not happy about it, but he was well off enough to be able to do it, and I'm just glad he was wiling to do it!

 

Then, back in early 2013, I get hit with a serious mania again, and that time it resulted in a brief but intense return to religious belief for a few months. I rapidly went from atheist to being well on my way to becoming a hardcore fundie again. It was happening so fast that I actually scared myself and backed off. Fortunately, the mania died down and the religious beliefs fell away again and I have been fine ever since. I'm just glad that right now I am feeling no desire at all to return to religious belief again. It's not real and it never lasts, anyway...

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Contact your doctor. Maybe you need a temporary med to get you through this. You could try a hefty dose of Trazodone for sleep--no side effects.

 

I haven't taken Trazodone since 1999, but I will talk to my doctor about it. Thanks! Glory!

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Guest ninurta

 

I find that finding healthy outlets like hikes do help, but I agree, that you should bring a knowledged buddy. I'm lucky that a rusty bike chain was the worst I had to deal with when mania drove me to ride a bicycle in a blizzard at night one year, 30 miles at that. What was I thinking? It seemed like fun, it was exciting, but probably not very wise.

 

You gotta admit though, mania can feel amazing. That's part of why its dangerous. The diminished fear, the increased excitement. It's a shame that you end up with less reason in that state, because it would be really awesome if it weren't for the impulsivity, and sometimes doing really dumb things.

 

I refuse to leave my apartment sometimes when manic. If I do, I never bring money. It will be gone when I get home.

 

Back in 2012, a severe manic episode drove me to run up a $16,000 credit card bill in a matter of days, and I went several nights with almost no sleep at all. No fun, and my father ended up having to pay off the huge credit card bill. He was understandably not happy about it, but he was well off enough to be able to do it, and I'm just glad he was wiling to do it!

 

Then, back in early 2013, I get hit with a serious mania again, and that time it resulted in a brief but intense return to religious belief for a few months. I rapidly went from atheist to being well on my way to becoming a hardcore fundie again. It was happening so fast that I actually scared myself and backed off. Fortunately, the mania died down and the religious beliefs fell away again and I have been fine ever since. I'm just glad that right now I am feeling no desire at all to return to religious belief again. It's not real and it never lasts, anyway...

 

I used to find god every couple of years when mania would severely strike. Eventually, it did sink in even when manic, that its because I'm manic. That "feeling" I got, as awesome as it was, is just my brain. Though I do still try to enjoy it when it comes. Though I also keep myself home, because I realize that its not much different than being on a really powerful stimulant high, and that it can be damaging to not be aware of that.

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I find that finding healthy outlets like hikes do help, but I agree, that you should bring a knowledged buddy. I'm lucky that a rusty bike chain was the worst I had to deal with when mania drove me to ride a bicycle in a blizzard at night one year, 30 miles at that. What was I thinking? It seemed like fun, it was exciting, but probably not very wise.

 

You gotta admit though, mania can feel amazing. That's part of why its dangerous. The diminished fear, the increased excitement. It's a shame that you end up with less reason in that state, because it would be really awesome if it weren't for the impulsivity, and sometimes doing really dumb things.

 

I refuse to leave my apartment sometimes when manic. If I do, I never bring money. It will be gone when I get home.

 

Back in 2012, a severe manic episode drove me to run up a $16,000 credit card bill in a matter of days, and I went several nights with almost no sleep at all. No fun, and my father ended up having to pay off the huge credit card bill. He was understandably not happy about it, but he was well off enough to be able to do it, and I'm just glad he was wiling to do it!

 

Then, back in early 2013, I get hit with a serious mania again, and that time it resulted in a brief but intense return to religious belief for a few months. I rapidly went from atheist to being well on my way to becoming a hardcore fundie again. It was happening so fast that I actually scared myself and backed off. Fortunately, the mania died down and the religious beliefs fell away again and I have been fine ever since. I'm just glad that right now I am feeling no desire at all to return to religious belief again. It's not real and it never lasts, anyway...

 

I used to find god every couple of years when mania would severely strike. Eventually, it did sink in even when manic, that its because I'm manic. That "feeling" I got, as awesome as it was, is just my brain. Though I do still try to enjoy it when it comes. Though I also keep myself home, because I realize that its not much different than being on a really powerful stimulant high, and that it can be damaging to not be aware of that.

 

 

I spent 15 years of my life swinging between periods of devout and extreme religious belief and bouts of doubt and unbelief and severe substance abuse. My church friends got used to me suddenly being gone for periods of time and they always welcomed me back. And, of course, every time I came back to church I was manic, the religious feelings were going strong, and I always wondered how I could have walked away from such an awesome God. Yet, the cycle continued repeatedly for 15 years! Months in church being there almost every time the church doors were open and months spent engaging in intense religious activity at home (hours of praying, worshiping, and bible reading), and then that would be followed by months of hardcore alcohol and drug abuse and I wasn't religious at all. Over and over and over again...

 

I actually wrote a book about my experiences with bipolar disorder and religion that you are welcome to check out.

 

Bipolar Religiosity - Bipolar Disorder and My Religious Experience.pdf

 

I still remember the date that I got "saved" -- March 7, 1985. I was 19 years old at the time. I often wonder if religious belief for me has always just been bipolar disorder in action. The wild swings between devout belief and hard partying started within months of my conversion, and serious doubts about my faith also started just months after my conversion. Yet, I managed to stick with it for 15 years. Part of that was a strong desire to please the friend who "led me to the Lord", part of it was the ability to write my doubts and questions off to tricks of the devil until early 2000 when I just couldn't do that anymore, and part of it was mental illness in action. But, at any rate, I am very happy now to be FREE!! Glory!

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serious doubts about my faith also started just months after my conversion

Just about everyone here who I've heard talking about conversion as a late teen or adult says this.  The initial emotional high/brainwashing seems to last no more than a few months.  True, my first adult conversion lasted 5 years, but the second one fell apart after a few months.

 

I am beseeching the FSM that you stay out of the cult this time brother!

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Brother Jeff - the first advice has to be to see your doctor.  You need to make sure everything is under control now, whilst you have the clarity of mind to do so just to ensure this does not get out of hand.

 

I have no idea whether this would be of any use given you medical condition, but have you considered any herbal remedies?  Can you meditate?  None of this will replace medication, I suspect, but it may help reduce your requirements, and if something as simple as a regular mug of camomile tea does prove beneficial, what's not to like (apart from the taste, admittedly).

 

Herbal remedies can be quite "long term" - they need to be used for a while to have a noticeable effect; you should try to find someone who knows what they are talking about in this field, and check with your doctor that there is no conflict with your medication.

 

As to the meditation, I'm thinking of something as simple as trying to focus on your breathing in order to block out other thoughts.  Again, that is likely to take time and practice, but may prove of help.

 

All the best.

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serious doubts about my faith also started just months after my conversion

Just about everyone here who I've heard talking about conversion as a late teen or adult says this.  The initial emotional high/brainwashing seems to last no more than a few months.  True, my first adult conversion lasted 5 years, but the second one fell apart after a few months.

 

I am beseeching the FSM that you stay out of the cult this time brother!

 

 

Yeah, I got sucked into the cult in March of 1985. At the time, I was very happy and very excited to have found GOD!! And after seeing the "Jesus Film", I knew that I definitely wanted what this Jesus had to offer! I transformed rapidly from a typical teenage party animal to a hardcore religious fanatic fundie. In August of 1985, I was off to school at East Texas Baptist University in Marshall, TX. I was still very religious when I got there, but the questioning and doubt was beginning. I remember talking to a friend about my doubts back then, and he tried hard to convince of the truth of my beliefs. The swings between extreme religious belief and periods of unbelief and severe substance abuse had begun too. I dropped religion by 1986 and eventually got kicked out of ETBU for drinking and smoking pot. Religious schools tend to frown on partying, lol... 

 

I have no desire at all to go back to religious belief right now, so I think I am safe in that regard. At least, I hope!

 

The "Jesus Film" is still available publicly online. Of course, I know now that it's just Christian propaganda and that the Jesus of the Gospels is not real, but in 1985 when I was a 19 year old kid, it had a powerful impact on me.

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Brother Jeff, there is no two ways about it. See your doctor and have him put you on a decent antipsychotic (neuroleptic) medication. I was on Geodon and am now on Olanzapine (Zyprexa to you). There are many more brands to try out. Find one that works for you.

 

You are obviously undergoing at least a hypo mania. Don't let it go any further. Herbals aren't going to do the trick. You need real dedicated medication. Don't walk in the Alaskan wilderness. Go see your doctor now. Each mania takes its toll on the brain and makes it more difficult to recover in the future. See your psychiatrist!

 

Hi Henry, the list of drugs that have not worked for me over the years is very long. They either don't have a noticeable effect on me, or the side effects are unacceptable. I took a 10mg Zyprexa last night and got some good sleep, but it's not a long-term solution. I will try to get in to see my doctor next week, but I don't know how helpful she will be. I recently switched doctors because the doctor I had been seeing for three years left the clinic. I just don't know how helpful this new doctor is going to be. And, I'm not very hopeful that there is a drug in existence that will work for me and do so long-term. But I'm willing to give something else that I have not tried before a shot...

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serious doubts about my faith also started just months after my conversion

Just about everyone here who I've heard talking about conversion as a late teen or adult says this.  The initial emotional high/brainwashing seems to last no more than a few months.  True, my first adult conversion lasted 5 years, but the second one fell apart after a few months.

 

I am beseeching the FSM that you stay out of the cult this time brother!

 

 

Thanks, Sister! Glory!

 

Yeah, I spent 15 years of my life swinging between periods of devout religious belief and periods of unbelief and severe substance abuse. I used to LOVE Charismatic praise and worship services! The emotional religious highs were intense, and I felt so close to god and so loved by him. But now, I recognize the psychology of it all and how the incredible power of belief drove the emotions. And, of course, mental illness played into it a lot too. Bipolar mania often includes bouts of intense religiosity where religious feelings run very high. But it never lasts because it isn't real...

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I'm glad you could sleep. Sleep is very important for bipolar. I'm sure you know that.

 

Yes, sleep is extremely important. And I wish I was getting more of it. Last night was another struggle to get sleep, and I have been dragging ass all day from lack of sleep last night. Hoping tonight will be better...

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Tomorrow isn't a holiday--call your doc and get something for sleep. I'm worried about you.

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serious doubts about my faith also started just months after my conversion

Just about everyone here who I've heard talking about conversion as a late teen or adult says this.  The initial emotional high/brainwashing seems to last no more than a few months.  True, my first adult conversion lasted 5 years, but the second one fell apart after a few months.

 

I am beseeching the FSM that you stay out of the cult this time brother!

 

 

Sometimes, Sister, I am amazed that I stuck with it for 15 years. If I had not been such a people pleaser back when I was young, I might would have walked away long before I finally broke free in early 2000. I had some hero worship going on with the friend who "led me to the Lard", and I desperately wanted to make him happy. I frequently doubted it all back then, just months after my conversion. And my friend Mike would always be happy to pray me through to belief again. I remember one time we were at a very early morning prayer meeting at 6:00 am at my church, and I was so full of doubt and unbelief that my friend Mike had to pray me through to belief again so that I could enjoy the prayer meeting. I think, honestly, that I was a Christian Atheist for a long time, lol...

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Tomorrow isn't a holiday--call your doc and get something for sleep. I'm worried about you.

 

I will call the doc, but I have some "big guns" medication that I can take if I have to -- Xanax and Zyprexa. I prefer the Xanax. It is addictive, but has no noticeable side effects. Zyprexa, on the other hand, if I take it regularly will make me fat, hungry all the time, and give me intense sugar cravings. So it's not a long-term solution. I'm open to trying some new drug, but not optimistic. The list of drugs that has not worked for me over the years is very long, and I have about given up on it...

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