Having Trouble Bringing Myself To Tell My Parents

[LongWayAround]

When I first realized that I no longer believed, I planned to tell my wife and grown kids but not to tell my parents.  I didn't want them to worry that I was bound for hell and, I have to admit, I didn't want to disappoint them either.

 

As time has passed, I realize that I need to tell them.  I don't want to be at a family gathering and have my dad ask me to say the public prayer.  I would feel obligated to proceed with it rather than make a big scene.  I would feel like I was being dishonest to myself and I feel like it is a really bad example to set for my kids.  It is a position that I don't want to be placed in.

 

Beyond being asked to say the prayer, other situations will come up when I am around them that will require me to either fake it or come out with the truth.  I don't want to lie to them.

 

Now, I find myself procrastinating about going to see them.  I know they will accept that I am no longer a believer but I dislike losing the connection that I had with them when we were both christians.

 

I know what I have to do, I just am finding it hard to take the leap.

[TrueFreedom]

That's a difficult conversation to have.  It will permanently change your relationship with them.

[Leo]

I can't conceive of how difficult this will be. I have personally sort of formulated what I will do when topics like that arise, but I am not in your situation, not asked to do a public prayer, or asked about 'my walk with the Lord' and other things that so many get asked. No matter how we try and handle it, letting someone in on this does have potential to change the relationship profoundly. It sounds like you have a difficult situation on your hands and I wish you the best.

[mymistake]

For me I had to tell my mother because I did not want her to find out from some other source.  I wanted her to find out from me first.  I started off by saying I am not religious anymore.  She presumed I meant like other cults besides Christianity (because as you know all religions besides Christianity are wrong) but I kept at it.  No, I mean that I am not like I was before.  I do not believe the things I use to believe.

 

It was a rough day when the meaning sunk in but since then things have gotten better.  I wish you the best of luck.

[midniterider]

Good luck. If telling them is important to your relationship with them, then tell them. If it isn't then dont. :-) I understand your procrastination. I preferred to keep information from my parents that I knew they would not like to hear because I preferred not to hear them bitch at me. I didnt visit them much either because in their eyes I would always be a child.

[Ellinas]

Good luck with this one.

[passerina]

I hope it goes well for you! I told my parents a while back that I no longer believed in several important doctrines of the particular denomination I was raised in. It didn't go well at all, even though I was very careful and polite in what I said. I expected that they would be surprised and tell me how wrong I was, but it was much worse than I expected- crying, raised voices, one of them ran off for hours. I've never seen them react in that way to anything, they are typically calm and rational people. Both have since apologized to me for how they acted, but the relationship is not the same.... I get that it was upsetting to them and I really appreciate that they were able to apologize.

 

They are nowhere near ready to hear that I don't believe in God anymore... Seeing me back off from church responsibilities and heavily cutting my church attendance is a big adjustment for them already. We have to feel each other out on how to go forward with our relationship in a way that is not revolving around church.

 

Proceed with caution!

[Sophrosyne]

I'm in the same boat right now. 

I want to tell my parents, but I am afraid that it will change things. I have thought of all the possible reactions. 

I feel guilty for not being honest and open about the changes I've gone through. Eventually I know I have to come out about it, for right now I am reading books about coming out atheist, so I feel more prepared. I also want to be calm when I explain why I left christianity (I don't want to get emotional or respond in a way that makes me look foolish) I just want them to have a clear picture of why... to know its not their fault, and to try and assure them I'm still the same person regardless of my change in beliefs... that I still have ethics, etc...

But I don't want to attack their differing views or make them feel like I look down on them (because they're christian and I'm not anymore). 

 

In the book "Mom, Dad, I'm an Atheist.", the writer mentions how he told his family early on (in his youth) and that it disappointed them but they eventually moved on and accepted it.  His point was that the earlier you tell them, the better. They'll initially be shocked or maybe upset - but eventually they'll have to get over it. 

I think it's a great idea to find books relating to this, it's definitely helping me figure out how to word things when I finally tell friends/family, and what reactions I should expect. 

 

Take the time you need to prepare yourself, you're doing the right thing. Good luck!  

[StandingRoomOnly]

I told my parents right after graduating and living at home again. I knew I wouldn't be able to live at home and keep it from them, as I wanted to be genuine with myself and them as much as possible. I gave them a two page printed out letter explaining where I was and why I didn't believe. We talked a little after about what it all meant, but from what I remember, my dad was angry and my mom was shocked and sad. I could hear her sobbing to sleep that night. This was about 11 years ago, so I don't remember all the specifics, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to stay sane at home--without much luck finding a job initially I quickly applied for graduate school a couple hours away and student aid. Luckily things worked out well and I was able to move out.

 

Things were definitely not the same after telling them, and honestly, never will be. My parents are very much fundamentalist Christians. They weren't overly preachy to me or at home before, but things almost instantly amped up on "religiosity" overnight with them after my reveal, mostly from my mom since she is the outspoken one between the two of them. Bible quotes, religious comments, religious related pictures all over their house, etc... Over the years the topic of my deconversion really hasn't been mentioned and their opinion of it has been ultimately one of denial ( as of the last few years or more ). I think they would like to believe that I am a secret Christian, or that ultimately god has a plan. I don't bring up the topic of religion and I generally steer conversations away from it to something neutral we can both enjoy talking about. I became the black sheep after telling them, and will never be quite that insider anymore since they have labeled me as a backslider.

 

Do I regret telling them? No, for me, it was important to tell them the truth, and I would not want to live with holding onto that as a secret.

[Leo]

The book recommendations sound great. I also think it's very instructive to read how the gay and Lesbian people have been managing this issue. For most Fundamentalist Christians, they'd rather find out their child was gay than an atheist. They'd rather find out they were convicted of a crime than to find out they are an atheist. To the evangelical, many take seriously that Jesus didn't come to bring peace, but a sword, and to divide parent from child, sibling from sibling. It is about them, in this instance. Being the parent of an adult child, I can attest to how in the Church, the child's well-being is far less important than the parenting style being deployed, and the reputation of the parents as parents. This is mainly true about women, from what I observed. It's hard when you're young, I can only imagine. I used to see tons and tons of literature as a parent for how to keep the children indoctrinated as they grow up. And it's a badge of honor when the child remains faithful, or becomes even more fervent, than the parents. This is entirely about the reputation of the parents. Again, this typically bears out on the mother, who may pressure the father to conform or maybe he will just become angry as a response. None of this has to do with the child in question. Easy to say, me, in my 40s, when there are so many that are young and dependent on their parents for food and sustenance. Many in the gay and Lesbian community have sought alternative sources so that they are standing on their own two feet and not relying on the parents. It gets harder the closer the family is, and you all have my sympathies.

I know for me in midlife, I don't see my parents that often, and I could happily live out the rest of my life without telling them. But if my mother starts up with apologetics books again, I will have to tell her. I'm just careful as to how I out myself and where. I have not done so directly on Facebook, because of some fundamentalist Christian family. I have privately talked to some about this, but not all.

[LongWayAround]

Thanks for the replies and support.  It helps to know that I am not alone.

 

I can't decide if it would be better to have my christian wife with me when I tell them or do it alone.  In a weird way, it may lessen the blow if she is with me.  They might view her as a positive influence and that my household isn't completely lost.  On the other hand, I won't be able to control the conversation as well and it has the potential to turn into 3 against 1 scenario. 

[Orbit]

Perhaps discuss it with your wife beforehand and let her know 3 on 1 isn't ok

[mwc]

     When I told my mom I just sort of blurted it out on the phone (the situation was messed up but I won't go into that) and it was not a good thing.  It was like I just shit all over her and she started crying and going on about hell and whatnot.  It was a total mess.  I would not do that again.

 

     I would probably just ease into it.  Make some mentions about doubting or something.  Then just continue falling away over some length of time.  Do some "soul searching."  All that crap.  Take time out in agnostic-land.  Then just come to the atheist conclusion.  It will still be painful but, at that point, something they see coming.  It's the whole blind-siding that sucks and tends to cause all the shock and such.  Just ease the frog into the water and then bring it to boil.

 

          mwc

[mymistake]

Thanks for the replies and support.  It helps to know that I am not alone.

 

I can't decide if it would be better to have my christian wife with me when I tell them or do it alone.  In a weird way, it may lessen the blow if she is with me.  They might view her as a positive influence and that my household isn't completely lost.  On the other hand, I won't be able to control the conversation as well and it has the potential to turn into 3 against 1 scenario. 

 

 

If I could do it over again I wish my wife had not been there.  For about an hour both of them unloaded their frustration on me.  Better to tell people one at a time.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I feel the same way as you, Longwayaround, I'm tired of being dishonest, but I know it will cause disappointment and concern.  I'll get the courage to do it eventually.  Good tips from everyone posting, thanks.

[LongWayAround]

     I would probably just ease into it.  Make some mentions about doubting or something.  Then just continue falling away over some length of time.  Do some "soul searching."  All that crap.  Take time out in agnostic-land.  Then just come to the atheist conclusion.  It will still be painful but, at that point, something they see coming.  It's the whole blind-siding that sucks and tends to cause all the shock and such.  Just ease the frog into the water and then bring it to boil.

 

This is a really accurate description of how I broke the news to my wife and it went better than I expected.  

 

It is a little different with my parents for a couple of reasons; they know something is up with me.  Last time I visited, they asked if something was wrong because I seemed quiet.  I am also sure that they have heard through the grapevine that we stopped going to the church where we had been attending for years.  The other reason it is different is because after I tell them, I can leave and I don't have to live with them while they process the information.

 

It was easy to tell my wife I was having doubts and working through what I believe because I had hid what I was thinking from everyone.  That isn't going to work with my parents if my wife is sitting there.  She knows that I don't have any doubts at this point and that I know what I believe (and don't believe).

[Discern]

I sent my parents a fairly short email (two or three paragraphs) giving them the basics that I was no longer a believer, and told them that I'll meet up with them on the weekend. The email helped soften the blow and it allowed me to carefully word the dropping of this bombshell on my fundamentalist parents.

I had pages of notes that I had been writing for my own reference, filled with bible contradictions/problems. I took my notes, but left them in the car so that I didn't seem pushy and hard-headed. If my parents wanted to get into the nitty gritty, then I could go out and get them. But I never needed them. It's funny how most of the christians I've told never want to really talk about problems with the bible. It's like they have a thin bubble of blind faith around them and they don't want to do anything that might pop it. I was probably the same way as a believer actually.

 

Definitely tell your parents. It's better to keep your dignity and tell them yourself, rather than cower at every family gathering and eventually be revealed as a pussy who deceived everyone for the last however many years. I'm not saying tell them straight away though...it took me about 5 months or so before I felt the time was right and my thoughts had settled enough. 

 

Yes the relationship will change, but it's better than being dishonest. My parents have never even asked me about it since that initial encounter. And that was four years ago.