For The First Time In My Life, I Don't Believe In God Any More.

[Min]

Hello, fellow ex-Christians. I am new to this online community and would like to share my testimony. English is not my first language so please forgive any errors I make.

 

I was born and grew up in a Protestant Christian family. My family's quite liberal and moderate in their approach towards religion, so I have been fortunate enough to escape the horrors of more extremist religious people, which I've read about on this and other sites. However, that's not to say I haven't had my fair share of unpleasant experiences that have left me feeling ill-disposed towards Christianity.

 

When I was a child, I fervently believed in the Christian God. I read Christian books, listened to Christian music and attended church with my family. My parents advised me to pray to God whenever I was feeling unhappy or going through difficult times, and as an innocent kid, I eagerly heeded their advice. But this was not to last. At the age of 10, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and my life fell apart. From a happy kid, I turned into an anxious and sullen girl; I had no friends and often thought about killing myself. For some reason, my family stopped attending church around the same time. To this day, I don't know why. Maybe my parents no longer wanted to believe in a God who would do nothing to prevent mental illness from befalling an innocent young girl. However, when I was 14, my parents suddenly and unexpectedly got back into the religious lifestyle again. They started attending church again and invited me to go with them. Before long, I also became a devoted Christian again. Various friends and acquaintances of my family praised our decision and spouted things like "It's great that you've decided to come back to the Lord" and "Jesus is the Good Shepherd, he has rescued you!". For years, I really believed that. I wholeheartedly believed that, although my family had "fallen by the wayside", all would be fine because of the Christian God's compassionate and all-powerful nature. I had visions, spoke in tongues, thought I could hear God's voice speaking to me in my mind, and believed I could feel the Holy Spirit restore my peace of mind whenever I was troubled. When my psychiatrist declared me fully recovered at the age of 16, I believed that God was responsible for my recovery, despite the fact that I had been taking pills for several years. In hindsight, I now know how silly it was to attribute my recovery to some supposedly benevolent, almighty entity, when science can easily explain that I recovered because the pills I took corrected a chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

The turning point came earlier this year (I'm 20 now). To be honest, for a long time I had been having niggling doubts about Christianity in the back of my mind. Every now and then, while attending church services, I would glance around and see fellow church-goers doubled over in fervent prayer, belting out gospel songs, going into convulsions and wailing as "demons" were cast out of their bodies, etc. and a feeling of horror would wash over me when I realised that I felt like an outsider observing a bunch of lunatics. I would then mentally kick myself and tell myself repeatedly that I just needed to have more faith, pray more and talk to God more often. It was like there were two sides of me having a heated argument-one side was becoming increasingly sceptical about the existence of God, and the other defensively said that it was my fault for not having enough faith. For months, the two sides fought fiercely, but over time, the sceptical side slowly began to win out, especially when one of the leaders of my church was embroiled in a national scandal and accused of homophobia. My unease intensified when said church leader circulated a document amongst all members of the church, instructing us to "take a stand against sexual deviants and their corrupt practices for the good of the nation". I wondered why a loving God would persecute LGBT people, and said as much to a fellow church-goer whom I was fairly close to and respected. Her response was that God intends for men and women to mate with each other and procreate, therefore attraction to the same gender is sinful in the eyes of God. I find that just plain silly. In the first place, if God is really all-powerful, and if he really doesn't like homosexuality, why doesn't he make everyone be born heterosexual? Surely he has the power to make that happen, if he so wishes? And if he does have the power to make that happen, but chooses not to and instead blames innocent people for "choosing" to love someone of the same gender, doesn't that simply mean that he's a mean, bullying jerk?

 

Unable to get rid of my growing scepticism and unease, I decided to do some research on religion. The further into my research I got, the more debates about the existence of God I encountered, and I felt troubled as I began to seriously consider the possibility that the God I had believed in all my life does not exist. Part of me kept protesting, "God is DEFINITELY real! All those people who put forth supposedly logical and intellectual reasons for not believing in God are simply misguided. They haven't had the good fortune to experience the grace and love of God. Where there's smoke, there's fire, right? Surely the existence of so many religions in this world is evidence that God does exist!" but that part of me slowly became quieter, until it eventually fell silent. I know some people, when they deconvert, feel it as something earth-shattering or life-changing, but for me, it came quietly. I was at home having lunch, when my mother, who has suffered from poor health for many years, entered the room and began talking about her most recent bout of illness. At some point during the conversation, she unhappily remarked that she didn't understand why God would make her endure so much illness. A thought floated into my mind: My mother hasn't recovered despite all the prayers that have been prayed for her over the years, despite the fact that she really tries her hardest to be a decent person, good mother and good Christian, because God does not exist. My mother might as well pray to our living room curtains for all the difference it would make. With that simple yet profound conclusion, my next thought was: It all makes so much sense now. All my doubts about God and the religion I had been raised in, all the research on religion I had been doing, culminated in that moment. I remember sitting and staring at my food, a strange feeling coursing through me. This may sound strange, but the feeling was a little like electricity. The end of my belief in God made me feel like I was tingling all over. My emotions were a paradoxical mixture of excitement, disappointment and most of all, relief. I no longer felt guilty about not putting blind faith in a supposedly divine, otherworldly being and trusting that he is looking out for me.

 

Since then, I identify as an atheist. I wish I could say that my new path in life, without the security blanket Christianity offered me, has been entirely smooth-sailing so far, but that's not the case. There are still times when I catch myself falling into my old mental pattern of thanking God for everything that goes right in my life, making excuses for him when all my prayers go unanswered and begging for God's forgiveness for even the smallest mistakes, pleading with him to save me from hell. Whenever I have a "religious relapse", I feel a strange combination of anger, disappointment and hurt that I built much of my early life around a lie; and relief that I am no longer oppressed by belief in a non-existent God. Imagine trying to talk on the phone with no one on the other end of the line. I feel like I did the religious equivalent of that for many years. I'm so glad to have finally "hung up".

 

So far, I have revealed my newfound atheism to only one person, who has promised to help me keep it a secret for now. Maybe someday I will readily confess that I no longer believe in God, but at this point in time, I do not feel ready. I know that I will get a lot of questions which I just don't feel prepared to deal with. I don't want to have to handle an onslaught of remarks like "Why don't you just pray more?" or "You're just going through a phase. God is good all the time and if you just have faith, he'll reward you!".

 

Thank you for reading. I have done my best to make this a coherent testimony, and I apologise in advance for any confusing parts.

 

 

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I doubt if any deconversion is really "plain sailing".  Two steps forward and one back is nothing unusual.  Shout on these forums if you need help with any specific issues.

 

And your English seems fine, by the way.

[mymistake]

Welcome Min!  It's good to have you.  

[Orbit]

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story!

[florduh]

I don't believe for a minute that English is not your first language!

 

Welcome.

[TrueFreedom]

It's nice to meet you, Min.  That's a fine extimony.  I can relate.  Take your time in deciding if, when, and how to reveal your new perspective.  Welcome!  

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome, Min!  I enjoyed reading your post and I could relate to a lot of what you said.

[Abrooks2007]

Hey.

 

Very thorough testimony.  BTW you say your English isn't good, but I understood everything.

 

My journey away from organized religion has not been "smooth sailing" either.  I actually saw a priest a couple of weeks back after a friend suggested I return to church.  For a few days, I felt that old desire for prayer and religious devotion, but when I tried to do the prayer services, they simply just weren't happening.  I am realizing that now that the tapestry has been unraveled, I can't return to the faith I had before.  Those days are definitively over for me.

 

There is a book I recently read that you might find interesting.  It's called "Leaving the Fold."  It's for people who are leaving organized Christianity, particularly the Protestantism you were affiliated with.  You might find it of some use.

 

Welcome to the boards. :-D

 

Andrew

[Storm]

Welcome Min! Thanks for sharing your story. Feel free to share your issues and struggles here. Many people on this forum have been where you are and have great advice on how to deal with things. 

 

Its good to be amongst people who understand and can help you get where you need to be.

[Bedouin]

Seems to me that you could TEACH English Min. Thanks for the succinct outline of your journey, I can most certainly identify. Looking forward to seeing you posting around the board.

[Margee]

Welcome to Ex-c, Min!  I totally enjoyed reading your story and I could relate to much of what you said. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!! You never have to be alone again my dear. We here at Ex know exactly where you are coming from. 

 

This was one of my first posts here Min....almost 4 years ago now. http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/44259-please-forgive-me/#entry644114

 

You will see that you are definitely not alone in your conclusions. Keep posting!!

 

Hug for you

[bapainter]

Wow. Thanks for sharing! As a new atheist, it's comforting to read stories like yours. I don't feel so crazy. :-)

[Ellinas]

Wow. Thanks for sharing! As a new atheist, it's comforting to read stories like yours. I don't feel so crazy. :-)

 

And welcome to you, bapainter.

 

Incidentally, why the Union Jack if you are from Mississippi?