Brother Jeff Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Bless the Lard! I am pleased to announce that the Spook of Kryasst who is also somehow magically Him has magically inspired me to enter the race for President of the United States! Glory! I am running as an independent candidate. I represent not the Republicans or the Democrats or even the Libertarians - but the One who Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Himself for us all! I represent KRYASST, and I pledge to do what must be done to restore our nation to the greatness it enjoyed when the Lard and His Word were revered in this country. As your future president, I rest my campaign upon the following Twenty Promises: If elected, I will restore mandatory prayer in our public schools. Our children will start their mornings off right with a humble prayer of thanksgiving before the Lard Jesus Kryasst acknowledging His Lardship, followed by the Pledge of Allegiance with the words “UNDER THE HOLY FARTER” clearly stressed. If elected, I pledge that no child will be left spiritually behind. Every child will have the opportunity to hear and respond to the Gospel and receive spiritual counseling, and they will receive a free KJV Bible, courtesy of the new Federal Bible Program, which will be funded through taxes levied against Atheists. Creation Science will be given its rightful place in our public schools, and the teaching of the Satanic Doctrine of Evolution shall cease, with the exception of courses designed by Creation Scientists to expose the many flaws of that Atheist religion. If elected, I pledge to see Biblical Justice implemented in this nation. Homosexuals, adulterers, and disobedient children shall be publicly stoned to death just as the Lard commands. Anyone who dishonors the Holy Farter and works on the Sabbath or dares even to pick up sticks on that Holy Day shall be put to death. Anyone who angers Kryasst by wearing sinful mixed fabrics shall be put to death. Anyone who teaches the Satanic Doctrine of Evolution shall be put to death. Anyone who takes the Lard’s Name in vain shall be put to death. Anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spook shall be put to death and forever damned to Our Lard’s loving Lake of Fire. Witches and sorcerers shall be put to death. Anyone who worships a false god - which is really an evil spook - shall be put to death. Atheists who refuse to convert shall be put to death, as they are immoral and an offense to the Holy Farter and not fit to be citizens of our Christian nation. Anyone who teaches the cosmological heresies that are married with the Satanic Doctrine of Evolution and denies the smallness of our universe or the flatness of our world or the solidness of Our Lard’s great starry firmament shall be put to death. The mentally ill (demoniacs) and those seized by fits shall be put to death, as they have been infested by evil spooks. Anyone who masturbates shall be put to death. Anyone engaging in sex before marriage (which, by definition, is between one woman and one man) shall be put to death. Any married woman who fails to properly submit to her husband as the Lard commands shall be put to death. Anyone who marries a divorced woman shall be put to death, as they will have committed adultery. Any woman who dares to speak in church shall be put to death. Any man who angers Kryasst with his sinfully long hair shall be put to death. Furthermore, if elected, I pledge to integrate Church and State and form the glorious Christian theocracy that our Christian founding fathers clearly envisioned. Glory! Brother Jeff on Some Important Issues Civil Rights There is no more fundamental Christian right than the right to vote. Only followers of our Lard and Slaver Jesus Kryasst have the spiritual capacity to vote. If elected, I will ensure that every Christian in our Christian nation has the right and the ability to vote. Also, if elected, I will see to it that poll taxes and other strong penalties are levied against Atheists and other heathens who attempt to vote in our Christian nation. Defense Our country's greatest military asset is the men and women who wear the uniform of the United Christian States of America. When we do send our men and women into harm's way during the glorious Crusades I will order as your president, we must also clearly define the mission, prescribe concrete political and military objectives, seek out advice of our military commanders, evaluate the intelligence, plan accordingly, and ensure that our troops have the resources, support, and equipment they need to protect themselves and fulfill their mission for Kryasst. Disabilities Christians with disabilities must have enough faith to be healed, or they will be left to their own devices. Atheists and other heathens with disabilities must be given no rights or privileges under the laws of this Christian nation. Economy As president, Brother Jeff will implement a Christian economic agenda to help ensure that Christians in America can compete in a global economy, and ensure that the Christian middle class is thriving and growing. He will increase investments in infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development; modernize and simplify our tax code to favor Christians so it provides greater opportunity and relief to more Christians; and implement trade policies that benefit Christian workers and increase the export of Christian goods. Education Throughout America's Christian history, education has been the vehicle for social and economic mobility, giving hope and opportunity to millions of young Christian people. Our schools must prepare students not only to meet the demands of the Christian economy, but also help Christian students take their place as committed and engaged citizens. It must ensure that all Christian students have a quality education regardless of race, class, or background. Brother Jeff is committed to strengthening our Christian public schools to maximize our Christian country's greatest natural resource - Christian people. Brother Jeff believes that we must equip poor and struggling districts, both rural and urban, with the support and resources they need to provide disadvantaged Christian students with an opportunity to reach their full potential. Too often, our leaders present this issue as an either - or debate, divided between giving our schools more funding, or demanding more accountability. Brother Jeff believes that we have to do both, and has offered innovative ideas to break through the political stalemate in Washington. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I would like to nominate myself onto your ticket as your vice president candidate. Although I was born far away from Jesus land in the UK, thanks to Tony Blair, we are virtually the 51st state now anyway. I believe that with a dedicated prayer group behind me, this problem of not being born in the US can be overcome. As VP I shall campaign to scrap all our Nuclear weapons and completely disband all our military forces. This is one nation under God and In God we trust. I know the Lord will protect us. Yours In Christ (and hopefully The White House) Your Next Vice President Cas P.S I open the forum for other members to select themselves to your cabinet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bedouin Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Cud I bee da sekerterry uv edukayshun? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orbit Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 You're scarin' me, Bro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Well that's three of us ready to lead our nation into the glorious light of Christian salvation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted September 23, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted September 23, 2014 You can't just copy the Republican platform. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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