Codependency And Religious Belief

[mikey101]

This question is for those experienced with codependency, 12-step groups, recovery, etc.

 

12 step programs are heavily laden with the concept of 'God' (a religious belief). At some point they realized there are different religions and many seeking recovery don't like the word God, so they allowed 'Higher Power' which can be anything you want.  But still, they didn't take the word God out, and you hear it all the time in meetings.

 

I'm confused, if codependency means needing outside validation in order to feel valuable instead of providing that validation for yourself, then isn't needing God or a Higher Power the same thing?  Why is a particular religious belief needed, i.e, believing that a God or Higher Power hears your prayers and will restore you sanity?  Seems to me it's all the letting go and getting help that's restoring me to sanity, not a vague person 'out there' called God.  

 

I understand that addicts and codependents have a problem with wanting to be in control, reject the idea of getting help, and letting go of that control is part of the solution.  But why do I have to let go of control to a Higher Power to let go?  Can't I just let go?  Why does there need to be a benevolent force 'out there'?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Actually, the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous" has an entire chapter dedicated to those who want to get sober without belief/reliance on "god" or "my higher power who I choose to call god" or "god as I understand it".  Chapter 4 is called "We Agnostics".

 

Here's a link to a pdf of the entire chapter.  Happy reading.

 

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf

[Orbit]

There is a secular 12-step movement called SOS (Save Our Selves) so these groups do exist.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Good question.  I am an ex-12stepper.  I rejected the approach because when I deconverted I realised that I now want to take full responsibility for my life, without reliance on any kind of "higher power".  IMO the programs replace dependency on substances/behaviours with dependency on the program itself.

 

The kind of xianity I was raised in and adopted as an adult encourages codependency.  We are taught to believe we are nothing without god.  We are taught to place jesus first, yourself last, and others in between (there is even a song about this, JOY, that I learned in Sunday school).  

 

Today I overcome codependency by being crystal clear on what is my responsibility and what is other people's.  The program never taught me this, I learned it myself, mostly through the school of hard knocks.  Deconverting is also extremely helpful in this regard, and I have learned a lot about shaking off my codependency-encouraging upbringing from ex-c.  I also value cognitive behavioural therapy from a clinical psychologist.  This has an excellent scientific evidence base, unlike the 12 steps.

 

I wish you well on your journey.

[mikey101]

I'm not happy about the prejudice against non-god folk in 12 step programs.  If they ask me to lead the serenity prayer I'll start with 'universe' because that's my higher power.  Why should I feel forced to pray to a Christian god when I'm not a Christian?  They really need to have some diversity training. How would they like it if they were peer pressured to pray to Satan?

[mikey101]

Actually, the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous" has an entire chapter dedicated to those who want to get sober without belief/reliance on "god" or "my higher power who I choose to call god" or "god as I understand it".  Chapter 4 is called "We Agnostics".

 

Here's a link to a pdf of the entire chapter.  Happy reading.

 

http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_bigbook_chapt4.pdf

I guess the writers of the big book have never heard of Buddhism.  Maybe AAs need to lay aside their prejudice and allow people to have different beliefs than they do.  I guess it's typical though for people brought up in a society that believes a certain way to think of their beliefs as 'truth'. I disagree with that chapter almost entirely, it's Christian thinking attempting to allow people to 'eventually' find their religious truth..

[FreeThinkerNZ]

12 step programs are based on the AA program, which dates from the 1930s and was started by a church group.  The terminology has evolved but the premise and basic approach of 12 step programs has not.  Instead of utilising the scientific advances in psychology of the last 85 years, the 12 steps approach is a product of a bygone age.  I know people have tried, but I believe it is impossible to divorce the approach from its religious origins.

[mikey101]

I think there are lots of examples of things being separated from their religious roots.  I also think people can basically be saying the same thing but use very different language.  A Christian says "Jesus is the only way to salvation".  To me, it's basically the same thing to say "getting in touch with who I am changes my life for the better."  I know that sounds like a stretch, but that's the way I think. People are basically the same, it's just all the little details we've developed in our societies get in the way of communication. We latch on to our details and make them part of our identity, and see others who are different as aliens with nothing in common.

 

The only way I'm going to be able to continue my meeting, which are actually helping, is to not focus on the religious intolerance there and focus on what's helping.  But you're supposed to be honest, so I'm going to say I think this part of it is bullshit.