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Goodbye Jesus

The Acceptance Phase / Spouse And Kids


Murkywater

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Hi all. For some background to this post, see my story here.

 

My crisis/loss of faith is fairly recent (within the last few months), so much of it is still raw. I'm slowly becoming more intellectual convicted of my newfound beliefs - or lack thereof - but I still have a ways to go emotionally. I still come across apologetic arguments, emotional experiences, religious references or the like and feel twinges of confusion, longing, guilt, sadness, fear, etc. I hate that these triggers are everywhere and feeling like I'm the crazy one for not being able to believe it. 

 

I'm still having some pretty debilitating depression and anxiety. My counselor describes it much like PTSD, or religious trauma syndrome. But the people who think this is happening to us because we "lost God" (as if this this was a choice I am inflicting upon myself, succumbing to temptation) are just cruel. 

 

I'm still consumed by my incessant (read: debilitating) need to research, although some of that now centers around deconverts and how they deal with the fallout and/or implications in their life. If you know my backstory, you know that one of the things that launched my questioning was my church's belief in creationism vs. evidence for evolution and an old earth. That led to researching everything under the sun, including attempts to explore more liberal or even non-literal offshoots based on the Christian narrative. Some of my initial research also centered around conflicting evidence regarding the doctrines of hell (or proof that even if Christianity were true, that at least the mechanism of salvation wasn't guaranteed simply based on the thought-crime of being uncertain of Jesus' identity...I find it oddly comforting that even different Christian denominations can't come to agreement on this.)

 

Does one ever get over these questions?? How long until I no longer feel compelled to do research? Do those fears dissipate over time? 

 

All I need to do is read an article about astronomy or glance in the Old Testament for reassurance that I'm not crazy. But I think it's so much harder for me to let go because of my husband and kids. (Again, backstory = husband is principal of a conservative Christian school where my young kids attend.) A lot of my pain is centered around the fact that I'm surrounded by triggers and at a total loss for how to deal with them. It's been a rocky road with my husband the last couple months. We still love each other so much, but there's a lot of difficulty relating to and understanding one another now. I cannot resist the urge to try to get him to empathize with my point of view, which never goes well...something I should already fully understand and realize, but have a hard time accepting. I just feel completely alone! I want him to see me through and wish he could help me find new forms of comfort, give me advice on how to handle all of this, deal with family, etc. 

 

We went to marriage counseling so that these topics don't keep morphing into massive arguments, but it's so tough because of the kids. 

 

After all of my researching, I'm not keen on them being inculcated with the disturbing idea of hell. Not that it's a big focus at their grade level, but you can't give them the sprinkles and rainbows version of God without doctrinal, literalist baggage that will eventually come into the picture. Of course, it's not like they won't encounter it elsewhere in life, especially with our entire extended family being religious. I guess I just wish it didn't have to be deep-rooted from early childhood. But I'm not left with a lot of options.

 

You also can't have the principal's kids being the ones questioning everything in class and bringing up mom's well-reasoned arguments for the non-historicity of the flood. I get that. I do. And my husband is traumatized by the idea of me possibly allowing them to go to hell and not have God in their life. To him, a naturalist view of the universe is still imposing a worldview. I can't disagree; there's no way to really be "neutral" here except to tell them that people hold differing opinions on the matter. My husband is less opposed to that, but prefers that I wait until the kids are older (preteen/teens) before engaging in those conversations. 

 

That's at least something, but I don't know what to do in the meantime, especially when my kids bring up God. Just be honest when the time comes when they directly ask me a question and otherwise leave it be? Be open and ask them to draw their own conclusions? Do I need to tell them I flat out disagree on any of it? Or tell them mom and dad and all kinds of people have different views and opinions? 

 

The evolution thing I am preparing to make more of a stance on when they reach middle school/high school biology. I'm also no longer skipping over the word "millions of years" when we read dinosaur books or books about the universe.

 

For now though, I'm just struggling with emotional triggers when they bring home worksheets about law and gospel, memory work, etc. Their dad is the one helping them with all of this now, because I can't anymore. He has very willingly agreed. Right now, he just wants to see my through my depression and wants to be here for me however he can. But the kids are still a pretty big issue. 

 

Advice? 

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I don't have any advice for you.  It's good that you have a good counsellor.  Yes, it does get easier over time.  You are doing really well... doing your best... and that, contrary to what we were taught as kids, is enough.

 

((hug))

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Hi Murky...as you may or may not have seen from my post yesterday on this board, I'm in a similar situation as my wife still believes - me....not so much.  Been a little over 2 1/2 yrs since I deconverted.  We're on the verge of telling the 2 older kids (we have 4 total).  My wife and I love each other very much, but this is definitely driving a  wedge.  Part of me resents the fact that she can read SOME of the same things I've read, and although I know full well she has no answer for it, she puts her head down and wills herself to believe in spite of the really good arguments to the contrary.  The other part of me doesn't want her to lose her faith...but admittedly that part of me is retreating as the months tick by.

 

It's unfortunate that when you think about it, this division is coming from the belief in an invisible sky wizard...an imaginary friend, as it were.  It's so clear to me now, and I find myself getting frustrated/angry with the people in my life that are so insanely UN-CURIOUS...I'm ashamed to have ever called myself a xtian, if this is what it means to be one.

 

Sorry - didn't mean to make that all about me.  All that said, you're in a rough spot, and I know it's hard.  You two married each other because you loved each other, and it sounds like you still do.  Hang on to that.  Ask your husband to love you for who you are...not just who you were. 

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I see your pain and the difficulty you are faced with. I am in a similar situation, but I have not yet declared my deconversion yet. It is for much of the same reasons you are facing right now.

 

at this point, I see that you are being a bigger person than your husband. And I also see that you are doing everything in your power to maintain the status quo as much as possible. But I don't see how your husband is reciprocating. Even if you are still trying to figure out your way in this whole process, the kids are yours and your husbands, not just his. I think that you should be able to present both sides to your kids. Its not fair that you should have to mute what you really feel and believe just for peace's sake. Allowing your kids to be taught by your husband now and waiting to talk to them about the truth when they are older gives him a huge advantage and will likely only cause more problems for them. You know how it affects you now, apply that to your children. The more they learn about god and believe in christianity blindly, the more difficult the process of leaving that behind becomes. You need to come to a consensus with your husband about how to teach your kids what you both believe. Even though he is concerned about them and you going to hell, its simply his worldview. You both have equal concerns and you both should have equal influence and say in the matter.

 

Its a tough situation and I am in the same boat with my wife. At this point, my daughter is only 20 months old, so we haven't hit this issue just yet, but my wife and I have already discussed it several times and I am sure it will continue to come up again.

 

Best of luck. Please keep us informed.

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