Things To Do In Church

[UnFundEd]

As I am in a relationship with a woman who is still a devout evangelical, I end up attending church with her fairly often - just to be polite. Here is a brief list of things I do to occupy my time while there.

 

1. Try to pick out anyone who looks like maybe their heart isn't in it. For instance, the main worship leader often has a blank look on his face, as if he's just going through the motions. It makes me wonder if he's on his way to de-converting. I send him my own customized "encouraging thoughts".

 

2. During Praise and Worship, I mentally substitute other names into the songs. In place of "god" I might insert Zeus or Aphrodite or Thor, In place of Jesus Christ I'll insert "my invisible friend" or Thomas Jefferson or Mickey Mouse, or some other famous name. It reminds me how strange it all seems now.

 

3. One of the female worship leaders reminds me a lot of a woman I dated a couple of years ago. She was a very attractive woman, and the sex was fabulous. So it's easy to picture this gal in any number of creative poses and situations. It brings back some fond and warm memories.

 

4. During the sermon I follow along in my Skeptic's Bible or a Strong's Concordance app, and see how many different perspectives I can find on the passages. As my own deconversion is recent and ongoing, it helps me process some of the details that still remain unpondered.

 

5. Sometimes I catch preachers contradicting the bible. A couple of weeks ago, the pastor briefly went off on a tangent about Samson having "a woman problem" and that was why he hooked up with Delilah. I found the passage that talked about that story, noted that it clearly says that "it was of the Lord" that he pursued her - not his lust - so I highlighed that verse on my tablet and showed it to my girlfriend. She read it but didn't say anything.

 

6. Whenever I hear them refer to other religions as "false religions" I ponder how much fun it would be if I could have lunch with the speaker and get them to realize that christianity is every bit the false religion the others are.

 

7. Mostly I just observe all of it. I seems strangely surreal now. I just shake my head and wonder why I didn't see the cracks sooner.

 

Anyone have other suggestions that they have used in similar situations?

[Brother Jeff]

Awesome list, Brother. Glory!

 

This has nothing to do with your post really, but I farted in church once during the worship service, and the people behind me moved. Glory! 

[UnFundEd]

Awesome list, Brother. Glory!

 

This has nothing to do with your post really, but I farted in church once during the worship service, and the people behind me moved. Glory! 

That's some powerful conviction, bro!

[pratt]

Awesome list, Brother. Glory!

 

This has nothing to do with your post really, but I farted in church once during the worship service, and the people behind me moved. Glory! 

your fart is like sweet aroma that is pleasing to the lard,,,,,

 

glory

[★ Citsonga ★]

Awesome list, Brother. Glory!

 

This has nothing to do with your post really, but I farted in church once during the worship service, and the people behind me moved. Glory! 

The lard has spoken and he told me that you farted in church more than once.

[traveller2]

how about leaving some atheist or 'false' religion tracts in the church?

[amateur]

I always liked looking around during the prayers and seeing who else was looking around, and not sitting with their head bowed and eyes closed!  It was kind of like a secret club!

 

When I was a teenager, and when my daughter was a teenager, it was always fun to write notes back and forth on the bulletin.  Either silly things, funny pictures, or actual comments on the sermon (pointing out contradictions, or Captain Obvious comments like when the preacher seriously intoned things like, "You can't take your money with you when you die!"  Yeah, Captain Obvious!).  The trick was not laughing too loudly.  I really had fun doing this with my daughter, and luckily we have quit attending church altogether, because it's one thing to get giggly as a teenager, another when you're in your 40's and trying to stifle giggles.  But I recommend bringing a teenager to the service with you.  Preferably, a snarky, sarcastic, bright one!

 

I also always enjoyed thinking about sex during services.  It was such fun since the place was so wrong!

 

Actually reading the bible and finding contradictions or weird passages. 

 

Sleeping.

[UnFundEd]

I always liked looking around during the prayers and seeing who else was looking around, and not sitting with their head bowed and eyes closed!  It was kind of like a secret club!

 

When I was a teenager, and when my daughter was a teenager, it was always fun to write notes back and forth on the bulletin.  Either silly things, funny pictures, or actual comments on the sermon (pointing out contradictions, or Captain Obvious comments like when the preacher seriously intoned things like, "You can't take your money with you when you die!"  Yeah, Captain Obvious!).  The trick was not laughing too loudly.  I really had fun doing this with my daughter, and luckily we have quit attending church altogether, because it's one thing to get giggly as a teenager, another when you're in your 40's and trying to stifle giggles.  But I recommend bringing a teenager to the service with you.  Preferably, a snarky, sarcastic, bright one!

 

I also always enjoyed thinking about sex during services.  It was such fun since the place was so wrong!

 

Actually reading the bible and finding contradictions or weird passages. 

 

Sleeping.

You would have been fun to go to church with!

 

Over the years (many hundreds of church services) I developed the amazing ability to sleep while sitting up, with my head falling forward just enough to make it look like I was reading the open bible in my lap. People who know me often comment that it's amazing to watch.

[seven77]

Strong's got me through many church services back in the day. I also like Henry's Commentaries. Very dense but the man had a knack for dissecting biblical bullshit like a surgeon. My favorite way to stay entertained during church classes and lectures (not services though) was to play Scrabble Blast or Sudoku Challenge (defunct app, no longer around). I was very good at both and at one point, I played Scrabble (not the blast version) online and became a champion, thanks to the practice I got in church lol.

 

Reading books in Kindle or other apps is good too. I used to read manga during services. Pick something light and kind of boring, but not overly so. I read several magical girl manga during the last year or so I attended church. Print manga books are usually pretty small and will fit inside of a standard or large size bible quite nicely. Or you can put a stretchy cover or a paper bag cover over your book of choice and read during the service. I did that too. Read a few lengthy fantasy books this way, lol. If you're doing a regular book, pick a long one that could feasibly pass for a bible. Just be sure to cover it so no one can glance the cover lol. Ebooks are better, I think.

 

One thing that you shouldn't do to entertain yourself at church is get stoned. BAD IDEA.

[UnFundEd]

One thing that you shouldn't do to entertain yourself at church is get stoned. BAD IDEA.

That's probably good advice, sseven77. Pot tends to make one far less tolerant of BS, and that is incompatible with church.

 

Years ago, however, I attended my grandmother's funeral, which happened to take place shortly after I had started getting stoned for the first time. As I was sitting in the church basement for the devotional given for the family before the main funeral service, I suddenly had a vision of a fantastic celestial apartment building. It was quite interesting. At the time I categorized it as a view of heaven. Not sure what to make of it now.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I wonder if anyone's ever taken a Ouija board to church. Just imagine how the superstitious would react to that!

[Blood]

2. During Praise and Worship, I mentally substitute other names into the songs. In place of "god" I might insert Zeus or Aphrodite or Thor, In place of Jesus Christ I'll insert "my invisible friend" or Thomas Jefferson or Mickey Mouse, or some other famous name. It reminds me how strange it all seems now.

 

 

That's a great idea. 

[Helvetios]

When I'm not silently poking holes in whatever the preacher is saying or thinking of Bible verses to contradict it (not difficult) I usually go through my to-do list for the day and think about all the things I could be doing if I wasn't sitting there. Knowing where gods come from makes church a strangely enlightening experience.

[Overcame Faith]

The long prayers are perfect for a nice nap.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Those are all very good things to do while attending to church, but for me, I just try not to either burst out laughing or go into a rage and tell everyone in the congregation that they're nuts. Always best if I can avoid going completely.

 

Fortunately, I'll be working the night shift Saturday and won't be expected to show up Sunday morning. Kind of makes me wish I could do that every Saturday night...

[traveller2]

'One thing that you shouldn't do to entertain yourself at church is get stoned. BAD IDEA. '

 

 

I dunno, I used to get a bit of a stone on before Church History lectures back in seminary as a way of getting thru those lectures they were so long winded.

[OnceConvinced]

As I am in a relationship with a woman who is still a devout evangelical, I end up attending church with her fairly often - just to be polite. Here is a brief list of things I do to occupy my time while there.

 

1. Try to pick out anyone who looks like maybe their heart isn't in it. For instance, the main worship leader often has a blank look on his face, as if he's just going through the motions. It makes me wonder if he's on his way to de-converting. I send him my own customized "encouraging thoughts".

 

Very easy to find people whose heart isn't in it at church. Most of them would rather be somewhere else, even the devout ones. lol

 

 

 

5. Sometimes I catch preachers contradicting the bible. A couple of weeks ago, the pastor briefly went off on a tangent about Samson having "a woman problem" and that was why he hooked up with Delilah. I found the passage that talked about that story, noted that it clearly says that "it was of the Lord" that he pursued her - not his lust - so I highlighed that verse on my tablet and showed it to my girlfriend. She read it but didn't say anything.

I sometimes attend my parents church when I visit and I have a lot of fun picking fault at the sermons in my mind. It's so easy to refute almost everything they say. They don't realise how lucky they are that when they preach that people aren't allowed to interrupt.

 

Speaking of contradicting themselves, it's amazing how often they do it when you're looking out for that kind of thing. It's the same with most Christians though. They will have some argument and then make another one later on which contradicts their first argument, but will be totally oblivious to it, because both arguments come from the bible.

 

 

7. Mostly I just observe all of it. I seems strangely surreal now. I just shake my head and wonder why I didn't see the cracks sooner.

I'm hearing ya! It's all so clear now what a big charade it all is. So much delusion.

 

I tried an experiment a few years ago and that was to start attending church again regularly and pretend to be a  Christian. I actually documented it here on this website. As soon as I returned I had leaders there wanting me involved in their newest church production. (I'd been involved in a lot of productions while I was there). So loving acting, I got right into it. However, when it came to the preaching, all I could see was these deluded idiots babbling on about a whole lot of illogical crap and they and the congregation just couldn't see it. Not long after we put on the production, I just couldn't be bothered with the charade any more. All these deluded people and their silly beliefs. So I stopped going. One thing I learnt once and for all, was that there was no holy spirit and not one of them could tell the difference between a so-called true Christian and one just pretending to be one. I knew the game so well I simply fitted right back in.

[★ Citsonga ★]

 

I tried an experiment a few years ago and that was to start attending church again regularly and pretend to be a  Christian. I actually documented it here on this website.

 

 

Sounds interesting. Do you have a link to that thread?

[Sheild Maiden]

When I go back to visit my parents, I usually try not to fall asleep, or if I'm in the college group alone after their service, I just read on my phone with an old bible also open so i can switch to it easily if someone wants to look over my shoulder, or I just doodle on the paper they give us.

 

Sometimes, if I go alone to the college service, I just go get the pamphlet they give us, go to the bathroom, then sneak out after it starts, and read/watch stuff until church ends and I wait until a few others cars have left until I leave for home. Fill out the pamphlet before I go home. If I do go inside and want to seem like I'm paying attention, I just read various bible stories throughout the whole speech, tuning out the speaker.

[traveller2]

Had a girlfriend once who told me when she went with her ex to church she'd go into the toilets there and masterbate to pass the time.

[rach]

5. Sometimes I catch preachers contradicting the bible. A couple of weeks ago, the pastor briefly went off on a tangent about Samson having "a woman problem" and that was why he hooked up with Delilah. I found the passage that talked about that story, noted that it clearly says that "it was of the Lord" that he pursued her - not his lust - so I highlighed that verse on my tablet and showed it to my girlfriend. She read it but didn't say anything.

 

7. Mostly I just observe all of it. I seems strangely surreal now. I just shake my head and wonder why I didn't see the cracks sooner.

 

I haven't been attending church for awhile now.  A-mum hasn't forced me thank god, but that's only because I'm working.  When I do end up in a church service or hearing Christian radio things get ugly. I start thinking god is talking to me directly through the minister.  For instance if the minister reads about Lot's daughters getting gang-raped, my mind believes that god is communicating to me that he is going to have me gang-raped.  It really is horrifying and unbearable.  Anyways...

 

#5....amazing how that happens.  The bible says plainly that the "good Lord's" interference caused the damned problem/issue/whatever but instead of hearing what the bible says, we hear what the minister says, either because we haven't read the damned bible or because the bible is so goddamned boring we can't stand to read it, and the minister is often so emotional or impassioned, that his words are the ones to get imprinted in our brain

 

#6...I swear but there is some dreadful power attached to Christianity.  I don't say a good power.  But what I have experienced is some type of spiritual evil power come over me during my time of being Christian.  That power made me weak, weak as water and willing to bow the knee and serve a god I do not know.  I swear I was no different than the Nazis who worshipped Hitler.  Some power came over their brains and made them weak and blind so that they could not realize what they were doing.  And same with me when inside of Christian beliefs.  When I was inside of it that part of my brain that asks questions and has doubts did not function.  I swear but that a spiritual power overtook my brain to make me compliant. 

[UnFundEd]

 

5. Sometimes I catch preachers contradicting the bible. A couple of weeks ago, the pastor briefly went off on a tangent about Samson having "a woman problem" and that was why he hooked up with Delilah. I found the passage that talked about that story, noted that it clearly says that "it was of the Lord" that he pursued her - not his lust - so I highlighed that verse on my tablet and showed it to my girlfriend. She read it but didn't say anything.

7. Mostly I just observe all of it. I seems strangely surreal now. I just shake my head and wonder why I didn't see the cracks sooner.

 

I haven't been attending church for awhile now.  A-mum hasn't forced me thank god, but that's only because I'm working.  When I do end up in a church service or hearing Christian radio things get ugly. I start thinking god is talking to me directly through the minister.  For instance if the minister reads about Lot's daughters getting gang-raped, my mind believes that god is communicating to me that he is going to have me gang-raped.  It really is horrifying and unbearable.  Anyways...

 

#5....amazing how that happens.  The bible says plainly that the "good Lord's" interference caused the damned problem/issue/whatever but instead of hearing what the bible says, we hear what the minister says, either because we haven't read the damned bible or because the bible is so goddamned boring we can't stand to read it, and the minister is often so emotional or impassioned, that his words are the ones to get imprinted in our brain

 

#6...I swear but there is some dreadful power attached to Christianity.  I don't say a good power.  But what I have experienced is some type of spiritual evil power come over me during my time of being Christian.  That power made me weak, weak as water and willing to bow the knee and serve a god I do not know.  I swear I was no different than the Nazis who worshipped Hitler.  Some power came over their brains and made them weak and blind so that they could not realize what they were doing.  And same with me when inside of Christian beliefs.  When I was inside of it that part of my brain that asks questions and has doubts did not function.  I swear but that a spiritual power overtook my brain to make me compliant.

I feel badly for people who have emotional ties to religion that are difficult to shake. I have been fortunate in that regard, I guess. I'm not a terribly sentimental person, so when I walk away from something, I'm usually able to do so without complications. My deconversion began very slowly about 10 years ago, and then began to speed up exponentially. The final stages have been happening the past several months. It just has very little emotional hold on me any longer. Rach, I wish you strength and preserverence.

[Aries256]

Blow my nose and drop the tissue in the collection plate

[Newlife]

Unfunded, Creative imagination. What would it do to your relationship if you just didn't go?

[UnFundEd]

Unfunded, Creative imagination. What would it do to your relationship if you just didn't go?

In my case, it would just make things slightly awkward. Long-term, I'm hoping she eventually deconverts. My attending church with her at this point is a voluntary show of support for her beliefs, which (one would hope) will make her more open to examining my perspective at some point in the future. She is largely aware of my lack of belief, so she realizes that I am doing this even though I do not share her beliefs.