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Goodbye Jesus

I Don't Fit In... Anywhere.


Aiyana

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It's been ten months since I deconverted, six or seven since I came out publicly. I have been realizing lately that although I don't miss much about Christianity, I do miss having somewhere to fit in. Now, I fit in nowhere.

 

Nowhere religiously. I can't go to a liberal Christian church, because I don't feel liberal politically. I don't fit with atheists, because I don't consider myself a "hard" atheist. I don't feel like I fit in here at ex-C, because I have a pro-life stance and really like football. I don't fit in with football fans, because none of them seem to be interested in intellectual pursuits. I don't fit with intellectuals, because, again, I'm conservative politically. But I don't fit in with political conservatives, either, because I have too much interest in the "crunchy" lifestyle. And I don't fit in with crunchy people because I still drink Coke and think kids sometimes just need a good spanking on their butts.

 

I am a blue-collar, intellectual, football loving, unathletic, Walmart and Hobby Lobby shopping, Trader Joe's shopping, pro-life, pretty-darn-close-to-atheist, crunchy, Coke drinking, fantasy genre loving, sci-fi hating, neo-Luddite, facebook addict, anxiety having, wannabe badass, road trip loving, freeway avoider, homeschooler, mother of a public high schooler, nature loving, SUV driving, rap and hip-hop loving, white suburban female.

 

Where the fuck do I fit???

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I think you will fit in at the site just fine. :)

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Sorry you feel that way.  Just to let you know most atheists are soft atheists.  But there really isn't any thing to fit into with atheists.  We are just a group of people that lack one thing.  It makes us a very diverse group.

 

Sounds like you belong here just fine.  I'm pro abortion rights but I don't hold your views against you.  Maybe the feeling will improve with time.

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That does seem to be a weird mixture. smile.png

 

I guess it doesn't matter if everybody stays focused on areas of known agreement without assuming other areas of agreement. Like if atheists talk about atheism and don't casually insult people holding a viewpoint that is uncommon for atheists.

 

Also it doesn't matter if the friendships are strong enough and the disagreements are good natured.

 

I know it's frustrating when you have to keep your opinions to yourself because you are in the minority and don't want to start a heated argument.

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You sound like a rebel to me. I like it. I think you should stay awhile and see what happens!! 

 

((Hug))

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I agree with Margee. Sounds like you have alot to share. I only recently realized that my many years experience with religion was a form of "fitting in" with the group. I needed that to somehow feel good about myself. How deceptive that was. I never did fit in anyway.

 

So, welcome to the group, Aiyana. Glad you are here.

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Aiyana, you are a unique and special person. No one on earth is like you, and that is a positive thing. Treasure both the common points and the differences that you have with us. We're all outcasts of one kind or another - especially in regard to our beliefs or lack thereof.

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We've got a forum full of don't-fit-ins! Pull up a chair and enjoy.

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We've got a forum full of don't-fit-ins! Pull up a chair and enjoy.

 

Not fitting in is kinda the whole point of being ex-c.  

 

If you get together with people because they have something in common, you already fit in based on that common interest.. and only that interest.  You shouldn't have to be all the same outside of that interest, if so, then they're idiots.

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She doesn't like sci-fi...

 

Stone her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ha-ha! Just kidding! I agree with everybody else. Stick around and see what happens. If you don't like it -- leave. But don't assume you won't fit in until you at least tried.

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You're a person who knows their own mind.  I'd say that means you fit in here just fine.

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i am chinese

i live in singapore

i will be 50 next month

i am an exC

i am a novice tibetan buddhist

i enjoy oldies

i watch soccer/tennis

i love travelling

i am a heart attack survivor

 

there is so much of me that is different from others and there are some common denominators with others, and rather that to seek out differences, there are much common grounds we can enjoy each other's company,,,,,,,

 

it would be boring if we have totally same interest and same view point for everything,,,

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Aiyana,

 

First of all,  I love your name - "eternal bloom"  (if either of my sons had been a girl, Aiyana was going to be their middle name).

 

I love your post!!  You made me feel a little less of an outcast - I can so relate to not feeling like fitting in ANYWHERE.

 

Anyways, thank you for posting!!! 

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Aiyana, welcome!

 

Just jump in and post your views here.  It's very cathartic!  And everyone won't agree with you, but so what?  Some people will agree with things you say, and some might even be inspired by something you have to say.  So say it!

 

From your different experiences and your age (you say you have a high schooler) I would say you have a lot of life experience to draw from and a lot of knowledge gained over the years.  Share it!

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Thanks for all the responses, guys. Yes, it is a weird mixture, isn't it? And yes Margee, rebel is a good word to define me :)

Thanks earthgypsy, I have kind of an obsession with names and their meanings. I was probably in high school or just shortly after when I found the name Aiyana in a baby name book. The meaning I read for it was "forever flowering", similar to what you said. At that point in time, I interpreted it to mean someone who is constantly changing and growing, and I kind of adopted it as the name in the baby name book that best described me. 

 

Amateur, yes, I have a high schooler, but I'm only 34 :) She was born when I was 19.

 

LOL fweethawt... yes, I am one of those people who insists that sci-fi and fantasy are two different genres. My husband hates that I say that! I love fantasy, but sci-fi, not so much. Bring on the gnomes and talking animals, but no robots or space travel! 

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What makes you think all atheists are only "hard" atheists, and won't accept anyone who isn't? I think you'll actually find a large range of opinions among atheists. 

 

No one is ever going to find someone else who corresponds EXACTLY to every interest, idea, and opinion you have. That's a good thing! The key thing is to find people who broadly share your interests and ideas. 

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You put a lot of labels on you. Why not just say I am. That is what I do when I feel like I don't fit in. And believe me, that is a universal feeling. There are many feeling that way. And for me it is: I am 37 and still not done with education and I already have two dead end careers behind me working at an undemanding job that bores the brains out of me. I am a woman but I don't often feel like dressing up. I hate shopping. I hate cooking. I have no boyfriend/husband or so and I have no children like most of my age have. I have a mess in my apartment and feel like a child most of the times. I have two mothers and four brothers whom I have grown up and I am related to by law and I have two half sisters that I am related to by blood but have not grown up with and they are ten and twenty years younger than me and the younger one has a half brother who is about my age. I live in a mainly secular society and most people don't have a clue what it means to grow up religious and deconvert so I hardly ever have anyone to talk about my concerns and issues. People who claim to be atheist here are as atheist as people who are christians on paper, means go to church twice a year, get married there and buried and thats about it. I work in an environment where most people are right wing and I am leaning more to the left even though I don't consider myself a leftist. Those who are all left are weird too and so I don't fit with either really. And now...so what. I just be me.

 

I once signed up at a marketing company to be open for surveys where you get payed something for. About three to four times a year they call me to ask if I was interested in giving them an interview. They ask me about three questions and it is clear I don't fit their target group. That's how I fit in this society...but I like it that way. I stopped to look for labels because that only limits who I am. I am way more than that. I am an individual and I can make up my mind about everything I want to. I can also change my mind whenever I want to.

 

And maybe you can look it another way: You fit everywhere. Because you are not limited to one specific group :). I consider that as a big plus.

 

And also who is a hard atheist? I don't think I am. Though right now I need the total exclusion of the thinking of any supernatural being for my own mental health and well being. That does not mean I deny the possibility of an existence of a higher being.

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Yeah, I think I just need to meet more atheists, both here and IRL, probably. I think that what I actually lean to is pantheist. I investigated paganism quite a bit, and am quite drawn to Druidry... so there are some more "layers of me", haha.

 

moanareina, I am a hopeless labeler. I am drawn to labels like mosquitoes to dusk. There's another layer. There's something super OCD? Melancholic? in me that just loves those damn labels. That is part of my problem. My husband is one of the types who says "Don't put me in a box! Don't label me!" and I'm like, "Pleeeeease label me! And put me in this box... this one... right here." LOL.

 

I fail a lot of those marketing surveys, too. But it's definitely cool to think of myself as fitting everywhere, rather than nowhere. I'm like the O positive blood, I guess.

 

I think part of my issue... what makes it hard for me... is just not feeling accepted, or feeling like people are pissed at me. I'm talking about my pro-life stance on another thread right now and, maybe it's just my imagination, but I swear I can feel people's anger and resentment through my computer. Around my friends who are Christians, I feel their pity and judgment. I know I can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time, and I am trying to learn to be more assertive, and even to learn to say fuck it to anyone who doesn't like me as I am, but these are skills I should have learned long, long ago and never did.

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You seem more than slightly on the eccentric side :)

 

You will find yourself in good company here ;)

 

Pro life? Nobody WANTS to have an abortion.

Yeah, I think I just need to meet more atheists, both here and IRL, probably. I think that what I actually lean to is pantheist. I investigated paganism quite a bit, and am quite drawn to Druidry... so there are some more "layers of me", haha.

 

moanareina, I am a hopeless labeler. I am drawn to labels like mosquitoes to dusk. There's another layer. There's something super OCD? Melancholic? in me that just loves those damn labels. That is part of my problem. My husband is one of the types who says "Don't put me in a box! Don't label me!" and I'm like, "Pleeeeease label me! And put me in this box... this one... right here." LOL.

 

I fail a lot of those marketing surveys, too. But it's definitely cool to think of myself as fitting everywhere, rather than nowhere. I'm like the O positive blood, I guess.

 

I think part of my issue... what makes it hard for me... is just not feeling accepted, or feeling like people are pissed at me. I'm talking about my pro-life stance on another thread right now and, maybe it's just my imagination, but I swear I can feel people's anger and resentment through my computer. Around my friends who are Christians, I feel their pity and judgment. I know I can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time, and I am trying to learn to be more assertive, and even to learn to say fuck it to anyone who doesn't like me as I am, but these are skills I should have learned long, long ago and never did.

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You seem more than slightly on the eccentric side smile.png

 

You will find yourself in good company here wink.png

 

Pro life? Nobody WANTS to have an abortion.

Yeah, I think I just need to meet more atheists, both here and IRL, probably. I think that what I actually lean to is pantheist. I investigated paganism quite a bit, and am quite drawn to Druidry... so there are some more "layers of me", haha.

 

moanareina, I am a hopeless labeler. I am drawn to labels like mosquitoes to dusk. There's another layer. There's something super OCD? Melancholic? in me that just loves those damn labels. That is part of my problem. My husband is one of the types who says "Don't put me in a box! Don't label me!" and I'm like, "Pleeeeease label me! And put me in this box... this one... right here." LOL.

 

I fail a lot of those marketing surveys, too. But it's definitely cool to think of myself as fitting everywhere, rather than nowhere. I'm like the O positive blood, I guess.

 

I think part of my issue... what makes it hard for me... is just not feeling accepted, or feeling like people are pissed at me. I'm talking about my pro-life stance on another thread right now and, maybe it's just my imagination, but I swear I can feel people's anger and resentment through my computer. Around my friends who are Christians, I feel their pity and judgment. I know I can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time, and I am trying to learn to be more assertive, and even to learn to say fuck it to anyone who doesn't like me as I am, but these are skills I should have learned long, long ago and never did.

 

Yes, very eccentric. Haha.... I've never actually applied that word to myself but it is really rather spot on. After my children grow up I want to live in a 150 square foot house in the woods. If that isn't eccentric I don't know what is :)

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Yeah, I think I just need to meet more atheists, both here and IRL, probably. I think that what I actually lean to is pantheist. I investigated paganism quite a bit, and am quite drawn to Druidry... so there are some more "layers of me", haha.

 

moanareina, I am a hopeless labeler. I am drawn to labels like mosquitoes to dusk. There's another layer. There's something super OCD? Melancholic? in me that just loves those damn labels. That is part of my problem. My husband is one of the types who says "Don't put me in a box! Don't label me!" and I'm like, "Pleeeeease label me! And put me in this box... this one... right here." LOL.

 

I fail a lot of those marketing surveys, too. But it's definitely cool to think of myself as fitting everywhere, rather than nowhere. I'm like the O positive blood, I guess.

 

I think part of my issue... what makes it hard for me... is just not feeling accepted, or feeling like people are pissed at me. I'm talking about my pro-life stance on another thread right now and, maybe it's just my imagination, but I swear I can feel people's anger and resentment through my computer. Around my friends who are Christians, I feel their pity and judgment. I know I can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time, and I am trying to learn to be more assertive, and even to learn to say fuck it to anyone who doesn't like me as I am, but these are skills I should have learned long, long ago and never did.

I am a labeler,too, Aiyana. I think that has to do with my need of acceptance. I try to be all things to all people and therefore lose my true self in the process. In the beginning of my deconversion, a dear friend on this site told me that the only label I need is Woodsy....just be Woodsy. So, I try. That's all any of us can do.

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LOL fweethawt... yes, I am one of those people who insists that sci-fi and fantasy are two different genres. My husband hates that I say that! I love fantasy, but sci-fi, not so much. Bring on the gnomes and talking animals, but no robots or space travel! 

 

I have the same gripe. Why are they in the same section? It's like petrol and diesel. They're both fuel but it's crucial you don't mix them up. I hate it when I'm in the middle of a sci fi book and then animals and gnomes start talking. 

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You know, I work with people I don't really understand their world views and if we had a discussion about certain topics it could become crazy fast. But I like them as people and they are my workmates and I am not rejecting them because they have a view different from me. But they can't expect me to agree with them when it comes to certain topics and especially if it comes to immigrants and strangers I get uneasy and might say something and it might come across harsh, depending on the situation. But I can still be friends with them.

 

I get that it can feel quite lonely if you feel like you do not belong. I know that feeling quite well since I have grown up with it. My feeling of belonging has never been satisfied because I never really felt like I truly belonged to my adopting family (I think part of it is that I just am not the same blood but part of it is also because my parents have some sort of personality disorder that makes them really weird people) and I don't feel like I truly belong to my adopting family either. I feel some sort of bond but I also feel that I am just so very different to any of them. That showed especially in my seventh to ninth grade where I felt all alone and my class mates loved to pick on me. There was such an insecurity within me I could not take the slightest joke or whatever and that made me to be an outcast for the entire three years. It was hell for me to spend all my breaks by myself. To get chosen last always in gym classes and to do group works in class was the nightmare in itself. I remember when I started my apprenticeship how I was looking for a label to put on me to fit in and belong. So I started to listen to heavy metal music and dress metal like. Then I started to snowboard and that became my identity. And then I got to know those punks who believed in Jesus and hanged out with them and my style adjusted...until I left that group and studied graphic design. One time I realized how I tried to make up an identity and trying to express who I was through clothing and other things. It was a pretty painful moment to see how I had no clue who I actually was. But it was also good to understand how I did not have to put on that made identity anymore and could just be me. Though it took another few years until I deconverted and being able to take off that religious mantel as well to finally come to the core of my being.

 

Just last year I had a major identity crisis and while that I got to know a crazy guy I wrote about in another thread. After this guy left my life again I felt like I had to do some changes. I hated to be this quiet person who everyone thought was so boring and shy etc. And so that need of dressing different, having an eye-catching hair style (I would have made my hair pink or green if I had another job) came up again. Also I thought I had to find some crazy activities and hated that I had not much energy left (while studying and working) to do so. And I had to remind myself that I was ok the way I am...no need to find acceptance by fitting labels.

 

The interesting thing is, I just started taking latin classes at the university of Zurich and it is awesome. I chose to do so because I find it interesting. Everyone is telling me I am crazy and what do you need latin for, why taking that hardcore class when you can do a crash course in Austria and take a test that is way more easy than the one they want you do at the University. I just tell them that I find it interesting and want to learn it and am not just doing it because it is required for what I am going to study. It is the first time I have not been like oh, I will find people there who are just like me. And now I have found a room full of people who talk soft, like me, who dress good but not put much emphasis on how one dresses at the same time, just like me...but also I am comfortable not to have the need to fit. 

 

What I try to say is, it is possible we chose labels to identify with because we feel insecure. It has been my experience that the more I trust in myself without looking for others to reflect me, the less I have a need to belong and put labels on me. I can just be me. Jut be.

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LOL fweethawt... yes, I am one of those people who insists that sci-fi and fantasy are two different genres. My husband hates that I say that! I love fantasy, but sci-fi, not so much. Bring on the gnomes and talking animals, but no robots or space travel! 

 

I have the same gripe. Why are they in the same section? It's like petrol and diesel. They're both fuel but it's crucial you don't mix them up. I hate it when I'm in the middle of a sci fi book and then animals and gnomes start talking. 

 

Haha... that's funny. P.S. I used to live in South Africa.

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Aiyana, I read all the responses to your post and it's unanimous. We want you to stay. I truly do understand how you feel. I too feel all by myself at times. I only have casual friend most of which are Christian and seldom do I have the opportunity to engage in conversation that I would consider stimulating. I wouldn't say that I'm pro life but still feel very conflicted on the subject.

I also like Facebook and would be happy to be your friend. Tell your husband I'll be 66 next year and I'm married so he doesn't need to consider me a threat.

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