Religious Sexual Repression

[luke1993]

As a previous member of a very devout pentecostal church, I struggle with integrating into the social world around me. I don't have any relationship experience, other than a kiss I got from a girl when I was 6 years old. (I ran away) How do people leave such a restrictive atmosphere only to go out and live normal lives? I can now make decent conversation with the opposite sex, and I can maintain secular conversation with just about anyone, but I still get anxious at the thought of even considering a relationship with someone. Does anyone know of websites or groups that deal with problems like this? I am in a continual struggle with depression as i face what seems to me like a pitiful future of solitude and emotional desolation.

[buffettphan]

Welcome to Ex-C, luke.  There are some members here who are in similar situations.   Have you heard of Valerie Tarico and/or Marlene Winell and Religious Trauma Syndrome?   Both were raised in fundamentalist families and now devote their lives to helping people in their recovery from christinsanity.  They both also frequently post on the Ex-C Main Blog.   Here are a few websites to get you started.  

 

http://journeyfree.org/rts/

 

http://exchristian.net/labels/Marlene%20Winell.html

 

http://valerietarico.com/

 

http://new.exchristian.net/search/?q=valerie+tarico&submit.x=0&submit.y=0

 

Hope to see you around!

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome to Ex-C.  You are not alone, many others have been through something similar and if you stick around here, you'll get to meet them

 

It does get better. 

[mydisplayname]

If I can give you one piece of advice that I wish my younger fundie self knew. All the fears you have the opposite gender has as well. They might hide it better than you can at this point in time, but they do.

 

You just have to get out there. Start small. Start with a conversation. Your aim must be just that. You're not going to ask her out. You're just talking. If she notices you're uncomfortable and she rejects you for that then you wouldn't want to be with her anyway. Try again.

 

Somehow, sometimes when there's a spark then the relationship just happens and it's the greatest feeling in the world when it does.

 

I got lucky. The first girl I actually felt comfortable enough to ask out ended up becoming my wife. Together 12 years and married 6. I'm not special in any way and in many ways I'm very boring.

 

Welcome to the community. This place is one of the few places where there is some sanity. We're glad to have you here.

[Geezer]

This is a good book and I highly recommend it. 

 

Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality 
Darrel Ray, Author

 

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Religion-Distorts-Sexuality-ebook/dp/B0073WNSV6

[mymistake]

I got over my repression one step at a time.  Just focus on the next step.

[traveller2]

I echo Mymistake and others.take little steps.i was very much in same situation too and had to learn these skills that Christianity twisted and repressed.and remember to be kind on yourself.somtimes I cannot believe how much Christianity damaged my ability to relate to women sexually or romantically and it took time to gain experiences I would normally have encountered at an earlier age.but it is very achievable and I look back on the first few years of my deconversion with great fondness as I took those steps to socialise as a particularly shy and unconfident man initially. The fond recollection is of the journey and learning of those years.It was great.

[luke1993]

Thank you everyone for your posts and support, I will definitely look into the resources you have supplied me with. My apologies for the late reply. For some reason whenever I looked at this post for the first two days there weren't any responses, yet I see now that it only took a few hours. Your responses made my day.

[Jaseph]

I also have sexual repression; I started repression seriously when I was almost 19 and became a member of a christian student group. Before that I never had sex either, but at least I kissed a lot. In the student group I became a much more radical christian. I gave heavenly things priority over earthly matters. Everything sexual was not allowed, at least not before marriage. That's why most christian guys I know are sexually frustrated.

 

I am thinking about ways to get rid of this. Baby steps (as suggested) are always a good idea. I try to meet more girls, just for conversation, so I can get comfortable again. Also I like flirting with girls in the street, something I never allowed me to do. I am not very direct (to say the least) but I am discovering that it's fun and, who knows what will happen.

A question I haven't answered yet is whether or not I allow myself to have short relationships with girls (with sex). Because I don't have any experience it's hard to decide. I was taught that sex is a gift from God, it's sacred, and so in my mind it's something special that I want to share with one girl.

 

So I know how frustrating it is. Good luck on your journey!

[violetbutterfly]

This is a good book and I highly recommend it.

 

Sex and God: How Religion Distorts Sexuality

Darrel Ray, Author

 

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Religion-Distorts-Sexuality-ebook/dp/B0073WNSV6

I'm reading this right now based on your recommendation and I am loving it. I wish I would have come across this book a few years ago.

[Guest Furball]

Don't get me started on the whole masturbation thing. GAAaawwd did that make me feel guilty.

[luke1993]

I also have sexual repression; I started repression seriously when I was almost 19 and became a member of a christian student group. Before that I never had sex either, but at least I kissed a lot. In the student group I became a much more radical christian. I gave heavenly things priority over earthly matters. Everything sexual was not allowed, at least not before marriage. That's why most christian guys I know are sexually frustrated.

 

I am thinking about ways to get rid of this. Baby steps (as suggested) are always a good idea. I try to meet more girls, just for conversation, so I can get comfortable again. Also I like flirting with girls in the street, something I never allowed me to do. I am not very direct (to say the least) but I am discovering that it's fun and, who knows what will happen.

 

A question I haven't answered yet is whether or not I allow myself to have short relationships with girls (with sex). Because I don't have any experience it's hard to decide. I was taught that sex is a gift from God, it's sacred, and so in my mind it's something special that I want to share with one girl.

 

So I know how frustrating it is. Good luck on your journey!

I'm in the same boat, It doesn't help that I am a thinker, I already avoid risky situations as it is and procrastinate due to over thinking things. I don't want to just lump my self in with the rest of society after so long without thinking for myself, so it's a hard transition from "sex is a precious thing" to "fuck a stranger," if I even want to make that transition. Good luck on your journey as well.

[Jaseph]

 

I also have sexual repression; I started repression seriously when I was almost 19 and became a member of a christian student group. Before that I never had sex either, but at least I kissed a lot. In the student group I became a much more radical christian. I gave heavenly things priority over earthly matters. Everything sexual was not allowed, at least not before marriage. That's why most christian guys I know are sexually frustrated.

 

I am thinking about ways to get rid of this. Baby steps (as suggested) are always a good idea. I try to meet more girls, just for conversation, so I can get comfortable again. Also I like flirting with girls in the street, something I never allowed me to do. I am not very direct (to say the least) but I am discovering that it's fun and, who knows what will happen.

 

A question I haven't answered yet is whether or not I allow myself to have short relationships with girls (with sex). Because I don't have any experience it's hard to decide. I was taught that sex is a gift from God, it's sacred, and so in my mind it's something special that I want to share with one girl.

 

So I know how frustrating it is. Good luck on your journey!

I'm in the same boat, It doesn't help that I am a thinker, I already avoid risky situations as it is and procrastinate due to over thinking things. I don't want to just lump my self in with the rest of society after so long without thinking for myself, so it's a hard transition from "sex is a precious thing" to "fuck a stranger," if I even want to make that transition. Good luck on your journey as well.

 

Indeed that transition is very hard. At the moment I think I don't think I don't set "fuck a stranger" as a target, because it only makes me anxious thinking about it; my whole life I heard (and believed) that this was a bad thing to do - I'm sure you know what it's like, and I worry that my lack of experience will be a problem. However I will buy some condoms (never done that) so at least I am prepared - and more important, it has a symbolic meaning: in a way it signifies that I accept sex as an option. I do think that I will reserve it for serious relationships, because then I have time to get to know the girl better and to get ready. I am pretty sure that my natural desire for sex will help me take this step within a few months (or less). So, even though I don't think one night stands are bad and even think they can be great, I accept that to me sex is connected to intimacy and, that to me that means doing it with someone that I am in a serious relationship with and that I know and trust.

 

So, bottom line, I don't think I will (and should) make a complete transition. I think it's fine that I think sex is (to me) something that I do in serious relationships, even thought the initial motivation for that standpoint (religion is gone.

 

But who knows, perhaps a pretty girl will invite me to have sex and I'll be fine with it. At least I'll have my condoms with me!

[Sheild Maiden]

I am in the exact same boat as the OP, except I'm a female with guy problems. I've never been in a relationship and have only been on two dates where I was terrified to be touched by the two guys because I had been taught that pre-marital sex was life-ruining. I was also terrified of pregnancy and diseases so I was shy and withdrawn. No guys ever noticed me romantically, but I have no problem talking about everything else with both men and women. Thanks for all of the links, I know it will take time to grow past this and accept myself as a natural, healthy adult with normal urges.

[luke1993]

 

 

I also have sexual repression; I started repression seriously when I was almost 19 and became a member of a christian student group. Before that I never had sex either, but at least I kissed a lot. In the student group I became a much more radical christian. I gave heavenly things priority over earthly matters. Everything sexual was not allowed, at least not before marriage. That's why most christian guys I know are sexually frustrated.

 

I am thinking about ways to get rid of this. Baby steps (as suggested) are always a good idea. I try to meet more girls, just for conversation, so I can get comfortable again. Also I like flirting with girls in the street, something I never allowed me to do. I am not very direct (to say the least) but I am discovering that it's fun and, who knows what will happen.

 

A question I haven't answered yet is whether or not I allow myself to have short relationships with girls (with sex). Because I don't have any experience it's hard to decide. I was taught that sex is a gift from God, it's sacred, and so in my mind it's something special that I want to share with one girl.

 

So I know how frustrating it is. Good luck on your journey!

I'm in the same boat, It doesn't help that I am a thinker, I already avoid risky situations as it is and procrastinate due to over thinking things. I don't want to just lump my self in with the rest of society after so long without thinking for myself, so it's a hard transition from "sex is a precious thing" to "fuck a stranger," if I even want to make that transition. Good luck on your journey as well.

 

Indeed that transition is very hard. At the moment I think I don't think I don't set "fuck a stranger" as a target, because it only makes me anxious thinking about it; my whole life I heard (and believed) that this was a bad thing to do - I'm sure you know what it's like, and I worry that my lack of experience will be a problem. However I will buy some condoms (never done that) so at least I am prepared - and more important, it has a symbolic meaning: in a way it signifies that I accept sex as an option. I do think that I will reserve it for serious relationships, because then I have time to get to know the girl better and to get ready. I am pretty sure that my natural desire for sex will help me take this step within a few months (or less). So, even though I don't think one night stands are bad and even think they can be great, I accept that to me sex is connected to intimacy and, that to me that means doing it with someone that I am in a serious relationship with and that I know and trust.

 

So, bottom line, I don't think I will (and should) make a complete transition. I think it's fine that I think sex is (to me) something that I do in serious relationships, even thought the initial motivation for that standpoint (religion is gone.

 

But who knows, perhaps a pretty girl will invite me to have sex and I'll be fine with it. At least I'll have my condoms with me!

 

I have the same idea. To be honest the concept of running and hiding, by accepting and dealing with a life of celibacy free of relationships is tempting. I think I'll mirror that and get a condom to put in my wallet just as a reminder that I have the option, even if I still have a terrible anxiety. It would most definitely have to be a long-term relationship though, and I also have self worth issues like "I am boring." It is hard to go out into a world that is so different and become "the life of the party." Or even just an engaging individual. Perhaps my compulsion to make a "complete transition" is actually part of whats holding me back? I'm going to keep that in mind Jaseph. =D

[luke1993]

I am in the exact same boat as the OP, except I'm a female with guy problems. I've never been in a relationship and have only been on two dates where I was terrified to be touched by the two guys because I had been taught that pre-marital sex was life-ruining. I was also terrified of pregnancy and diseases so I was shy and withdrawn. No guys ever noticed me romantically, but I have no problem talking about everything else with both men and women. Thanks for all of the links, I know it will take time to grow past this and accept myself as a natural, healthy adult with normal urges.

I too have a fear of diseases and accidental pregnancies even with the consideration of condoms. I may also have a fear of a loss of something precious, even though it feels illogical now to think of virginity as precious. Shy and Withdrawn are definitely my problem, but even now they are slowly being diluted with confidence and out-going positivity. If nothing else don't fear, because I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who are willing to accept you without a litany of experiences.

[Vigile]

 

I am in the exact same boat as the OP, except I'm a female with guy problems. I've never been in a relationship and have only been on two dates where I was terrified to be touched by the two guys because I had been taught that pre-marital sex was life-ruining. I was also terrified of pregnancy and diseases so I was shy and withdrawn. No guys ever noticed me romantically, but I have no problem talking about everything else with both men and women. Thanks for all of the links, I know it will take time to grow past this and accept myself as a natural, healthy adult with normal urges.

I too have a fear of diseases and accidental pregnancies even with the consideration of condoms. I may also have a fear of a loss of something precious, even though it feels illogical now to think of virginity as precious. Shy and Withdrawn are definitely my problem, but even now they are slowly being diluted with confidence and out-going positivity. If nothing else don't fear, because I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who are willing to accept you without a litany of experiences.

 

 

I had all those fears myself and then I had sex and they all went *poof* in a single night.  It was kind of shocking how eye-opening the experience was for someone like me who had been so indoctrinated on the issue.  It reduced me to tears and anger of the lies I had believed. 

[Sheild Maiden]

Thanks luke1993! Vigile, I'm waiting for the right guy to come along and I don't think I could ever do one-night stands, but I'm glad to know all of the anxiety disappeared after you had sex. Hopefully, that will happen for all of us too. 

[eternal student]

I understand you.

 

I had a very similar experience, but now, in my mid-30s, I find myself still incredibly angry about what I feel my religious upbringing and early adulthood "cheated me out of". As you probably do to, I find myself feeling immature and inexperienced compared to all of the "normal" friends and acquaintances I have who were able to enjoy a childhood in what I would call mainstream secular society.

 

As I read the replies here, I envy those who are still young and have so much time still before them to experiment and have any experiences they might choose to have.

 

During my deconversion in my early twenties, I became involved with the woman I would later marry, so I feel that I never had the time to  "catch up" to my peers, if that makes sense. Can anyone else relate?

[austere]

^ Yes, I deconverted exactly a year ago (early 20s!) and have now been with my boyfriend for ten months. I got to know him more and more and realised that even if I was at a difficult time in my life, I couldn't let this person go if he was willing to walk that road with me. (Which he was.) So I asked him out.

 

It's been good but tough in places, but at the same time he has had a lot more sexual experience than I have and it makes it a little hard sometimes. It's not that I really want to have sex with anyone else now, it's just that I haven't even slept with one person before him. It makes me jealous in a small way, but it's counteracted by me actually thinking out what it would mean to have had sex with another person, and my brain's just like, NOPE.

 

The other thing is that I only date people I think I could marry, and he's the third person I've met who I've thought that about in my entire life, Christian OR non-Christian. I'm actually really personally traditional (probably because I don't like taking unnecessary risks), so in practice, my life would probably not have been that different, sex-wise. Except for masturbation. I would have liked to have actually felt I had the option for that before I left my teens.

 

I too feel cheated out of my childhood and adolescence. The sensible part of me says that I do like who I am, underneath it all, and I wouldn't be the same person today if I wasn't. The other part of me is just plain mad.

[eternal student]

^ Yes, I deconverted exactly a year ago (early 20s!) and have now been with my boyfriend for ten months. I got to know him more and more and realised that even if I was at a difficult time in my life, I couldn't let this person go if he was willing to walk that road with me. (Which he was.) So I asked him out.

 

It's been good but tough in places, but at the same time he has had a lot more sexual experience than I have and it makes it a little hard sometimes. It's not that I really want to have sex with anyone else now, it's just that I haven't even slept with one person before him. It makes me jealous in a small way, but it's counteracted by me actually thinking out what it would mean to have had sex with another person, and my brain's just like, NOPE.

 

The other thing is that I only date people I think I could marry, and he's the third person I've met who I've thought that about in my entire life, Christian OR non-Christian. I'm actually really personally traditional (probably because I don't like taking unnecessary risks), so in practice, my life would probably not have been that different, sex-wise. Except for masturbation. I would have liked to have actually felt I had the option for that before I left my teens.

 

I too feel cheated out of my childhood and adolescence. The sensible part of me says that I do like who I am, underneath it all, and I wouldn't be the same person today if I wasn't. The other part of me is just plain mad.

Thanks for replying :-) I'm glad at least one person can relate as far as the feeling of having been cheated out of something that I have no way of getting back.

 

I've been meaning for years now to write a longer ex-timony that would explain more about why I'm just so angry about it all still. Unfortunately, I can very much relate to the jealousy problems too, but in a major and not a minor way. I completely understand, when you write that it's not that you really want to sleep with anyone else *now*. If you asked me what it is I really want, it isn't anything different in the future: I just want a different past if that makes any sense.

 

I was brought up as a male in a fairly liberal christian background (not anywhere close to fundamentalist), where drinking, smoking cursing, missing church on a Sunday and so on were "bad" in the same way that causing a minor traffic accident might be bad (not something you should be doing, but still a boys will be boys kind of thing), but somehow pre-marital sex was just about the worst thing imaginable. I mean, if you had asked me in my late teens, if I'd rather marry a woman who had had pre-marital sex or who had experimented with heroine, I would have taken the second option without blinking.

 

At some point in my late teens, I began to feel rather emasculated by it. Going to a big state school of 20,000 students, I watched most of the "normal" people around me having all of these experiences that I had been convinced were just a straight ticket to Hell, and they certainly didn't seem worried about it. I wish I could say like you that I probably wouldn't have done much differently, but the truth is, deep down I didn't really want to be the guy spending a Friday night in front of the TV with my chaste Christian girlfriend or sitting in my dorm room alone reading a book. I wanted to be out partying or picking up some girl for a one-night-stand or anything more exciting than what I doing.

 

Sorry if that's a bit rough-sounding. I think it's probably a lot different for men than women to have to look back through your past and just see, well, hardly anything in the way of real formative sexual experiences.

[Ginko12]

OP, it sounds like you've already made some good progress. Just take it one step at a time. Once you feel good about one step, you'll know you're ready for the next one. I went through this before deconversion because I liberalized tremendously before deconverting, and having someone else who grew up sexually repressed going through it with me really helped. Maybe you would feel more comfortable in your first relationship with someone else who grew up repressed by religion but who is ready to leave that behind. Also, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do/aren't ready to do. Just because you no longer believe it is morally wrong doesn't mean you have to be personally comfortable with it yet, or ever.