traveller2 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I've been reading about this in regard to some continuing intrusive thoughts and subsequent neutralising one I have.little mantras also that I have crop up.these were really bad as a christian but faded off on deconversion and had largely thought I'd outgrown them.really interesting.anyone else experience this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 I actually stumbled across it while reading about fear of eye contact which I never actually knew was a symptom of my anxiety disorder.getting diagnosed with that was one of the best things that ever happened to me and the beginning of alot of healing and awareness for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I have some weird ass shit that I have done ever since I was a small child. I made up a name for one of these weird things when I was probably eight or so: "Playing Even." It comes out mostly with my eyes: I will feel like the outer corner of my left eye is somehow sticky; like the upper and lower eyelid are sticking together. I will widen my eye to unstick it, and then I compulsively MUST do it with the other. Except for some reason, I can widen my left eye fairly naturally, but I can't widen the right one without narrowing the left one, and I end up looking really scary. It comes on really badly in times of mental stress. My husband just says, "You're doing your eye thing again." I often don't know I'm doing it without someone telling me. Also, when going to the bathroom. I don't do this particular thing anymore; I forced myself to stop, but I did it well into my 20s. When sitting on the toilet, I could not pee (or poop, sorry TMI), unless I was looking at something emotionally neutral. Like, I could look at the wall, or the bath, but I could not look at, say, a shirt on the floor that belonged to a loved one, because then I would be somehow cursing them. HOWEVER, if I clasped my hands together while peeing, the "curse" would "lose its power". When I watch movies, I CANNOT look at characters who are evil, and blink. I can see evil characters out of the corner of my eye, that's fine; I can also quickly glance at them; but I cannot continue to look at them long enough that I need to blink. If I somehow fail at this, and I DO blink while looking at them, I quickly look somewhere else on the movie screen and blink there instead, and it "transfers" whatever the fuck my brain thinks needs to be transferred. I have tried SO hard to stop this. My husband and I saw the movie "Winter's Tale" in the theater not long ago, and I tried SO hard to be able to look at Russell Crowe's character and blink. I could not do it. It started to make me feel like my eyes were beginning to physically hurt; like they were super dried out and needed to blink SO bad. ETA: Obviously I'm more than just the O in OCD, just wanted to say you're not alone 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Thankyou so much for sharing these thinks with such clarity.it was courageous of you and much appreciated. I particularly identified with the cursing thing.I had big problems with this all my christian life as I believed in the power of curses.If I saw a plane going overhead, quite involuntary I would curse it to crash then distressed by that thought that popped into my head I would have to pray for it or bless it to neutralise that.it was quite ritualised and panicky....and bloody exhausting.if I saw someone or interacted with someone who was pleasant or looked innocent like an old person using their stick I also had such thoughts.i hated it coz it wasn't intentional and I knew it was coming and would struggle with it but inevitably the thought would flash into my mind and would have to neutralise or counter the thought ritualistically. And needless to say it was distressing as obviously I don't actually mean harm on anyone. Sometimes similar thoughts about animals...I mean ffs I love animals and probably care more about them than I do people. Then I recall the first time I read in bible about cursing the holy spirit and of course that started 15 yrs of thoughts about cursing god and the holy spirit. I gave managed to reduce difficulty leaving my house in regard to electrical switches with just a quick and organised check I've switched everything off tho I struggle to repress the desire to recheck stuff that I know I've visually checked once and move on tho mentally it is hard to resist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hi Angus Sorry to hear about your OCD symptoms. Often we struggle on with these things and never get professional help with them or find out if meds can help. There are meds for OCD and there is also well-studied cognitive behavioural therapy by a clinical psychologist. I hope you are able to access these if you wish to. Good luck! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes I have this condition, its a dreadful thing to have to live with. Although these bad thoughts distress me, they make a mockery of the idea that God holds us responsible for what we think, when a percentage of thinking is involuntary 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiyana Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 You aren't alone, and you aren't crazy. The brain can do such weird, weird things. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 thanks all of you for your replies,its a big comfort.i am definatly going to see my doctor about it.getting diagnosed with anxiety was really helpful and the only crazy thing is I neer took these symptoms as what they were...just so slow to recognise they might actually be a symptom of something that is pretty common and treatable.I told my girlfriend about them last night and she was totally cool and understanding about them.she actually knew somthing was up last night as she could feel my tension and anxiety radiating off me as I had been reading about it on the bus on the way to see her.can't believe i had had this all these years and never realised it was a mental health problem lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes I have this condition, its a dreadful thing to have to live with. Although these bad thoughts distress me, they make a mockery of the idea that God holds us responsible for what we think, when a percentage of thinking is involuntary thanks man,that was the hardest thing as a christian,having this psycopathic demon yahweh as a god with its horrendous judicial world as a religion and then this free fire zone in my head generating all this crap. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes I have this condition, its a dreadful thing to have to live with. Although these bad thoughts distress me, they make a mockery of the idea that God holds us responsible for what we think, when a percentage of thinking is involuntary thanks man,that was the hardest thing as a christian,having this psycopathic demon yahweh as a god with its horrendous judicial world as a religion and then this free fire zone in my head generating all this crap. Your welcome, hang in there, medication can help and I have a lot of up days which help compensate when I am having a bad day. Keeping busy also helps me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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