LookingGlass Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Hello Ex xtians, I've been an ex-C for several years now, but recently I notice I have a habit of clinging to people for approval/advice/comfort/emotional stability. Most recently I find that I do this with someone I care very much about, and she cares very much about me, so I think she tolerates it, but I hate that I do this....this evening I sent her maybe six long instant messages because I was feeling very intense feelings about some changes I'm going through. I very much felt that I needed to cling to her to "steady" myself in a way. But she's not God...she has her own life and gets busy too....does anyone else find that they do this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thrive Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 When we deconvert, we not only loose the security of a god watching over us, but many times we loose a church family or community as well. The social aspects of attending church can provide love, support and a validation that we are living our lives the "right way". Suddenly without that, we can feel overwhelmed with trying to make decisions on how to live our lives without religion. Clinging to someone during times of stress is understandable, but as you have already realized probably not the best thing for you or her. Have you tried seeking your own support first? Maybe write out what is bothering you, even write it as a letter to this friend, but don't send it. You may find that working through your thoughts to put it down on paper will help you clarify your feelings and come to peace with the changes in your life. If you still feel the need to contact her after that maybe you could now cut it down to 1 or 2 text messages instead of 6. It is good to have friends, and it is wonderful to be able to count on them for support in tough times, but don't underestimate your own strength and ability to get yourself through whatever life sends you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VacuumFlux Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I have a best friend that I lean on a lot, who is... one of the rare people who doesn't mind telling me to go away when he's not up to talking about things. If I'm being too much he'll either ignore half of what I'm saying (which is about equivalent to writting something down just to talk to myself) or just tell me so to my face and not be at all upset with me over it. Most people don't work that way though. They feel obligated to "be nice" or supportive and won't tell me to stop until after I've already dumped so much on them that it brings their mood down, which makes me feel guilty and sad and creates a bad cycle instead of helping me work through things. And even with the friend I can safely dump more on, it's not always healthy for me to do so, because just like I was taught to with god, I don't trust myself on anything and keep looking for external validation. And then when something happens and that friend isn't available to talk to I feel kinda lost. Having a real human to engage in conversation with, who will encourage me to live my own life and refuse to make decisions for me, is a step up from trying to have a codependent relationship with a non-existent entity. But I still have a lot to work to do to get to a healthy point of being confident in my own decisions and not have panic attacks when there's no one around to give approval. I do sometimes write one of my other friends long emails when I'm trying to work through something that I do need advice about. If it's an emotionally charged thing that I know might be a drain on her, I will start out with a disclaimer saying so, and ask her to ignore the email until she's in a state where that won't be a problem (especially if I know a midterm is coming up or there's something else busy in her life at the time). And then I will try to end the email with a positive statement about what I'm doing or considering doing to address the problem so that I'm at least ending it on a happier note, and state whether I just needed to talk about it and get emotional support or if there was a specific question I need help answering. So far that seems to be working out ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Well other people are real. Try not to lean on other people too hard because that might annoy them. But if you have a good friend sometime we need good friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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