I Obeyed The Church, Lost The One Person I Ever Loved, And Don't Know How To Love Again.

[tylereverett]

Sorry everyone…. I feel like this is a bit egocentric but I wrote it out in a moment of depression and I want to share it, for my own sake.  

 

I became a Christian at age 14. I was a confused, awkward, lonely kid. I had had only one "girlfriend," an I use the term lightly because it only lasted a week. As long as I remember I had always been a romantically minded kid. I remember being 9 to 10 years old and having intense crushes on the one girl, hoping I could be with her. Her face may change through the years but she always had the same smile in my dreams, and the same gentle touch.

No matter. I found Jesus. He would take care of me. And hopefully, provide me with a wife. But that was secondary. Idolatry. It was important to worship him for his sake. 

At the age of 19, I fell in love. Truly in love. She was my first kiss and my first girl. She surely was the "one" that God gave me. And despite my best efforts to be obedient, I couldn't wait. She had been with other guys before, but I could let that go. She showed me how to love, and how to be loved. I learned how to hold someone, and to look in their eyes and feel like the world could end and everything would be ok. 

But of course, Jesus wanted me to remain pure till marriage, and to lead her in purity. Despite the fact that she was the first woman who saw me naked and accepted all my flaws, and she was the first I would hold in my arms, I was supposed to suppress that love until marriage. She was the girl I dreamed of for years, and I didn't want to lose her. SO I proposed, and she accepted. 

We could not remain "pure", and the church intervened. A pastor told me to leave her. To let her go. And though it was the most painful thing I ever did, I left her. I let her go. And I knew God would sustain me.

Except he didn't. I spent three years after losing her trying to follow him only to become more and more skeptical, and more and more impatience with his silence. One day it dawned on me that my faith was dying. Soon, I would have to admit to myself that I was no longer a Christian.

It was like waking up from a dream. I fell asleep a confused 14 year old kid and woke up a confused 24 year old man. Suddenly going back into a world I had ignored. The only thing I took with me was the anger I feel at the church for pushing me away from the one love I had found.

One year later and I'm alone. Desperately alone. I see myself aging and I realize that my early 20s was stolen from me. I want to love again. I want to experience sexuality, something that I don't understand because I've only had toxic views of it. But I'm behind. This world I enter is way to fast paced, and way too experienced. I don't even know how to start dating, let alone express my sexuality.

The loneliness has taken its toll. I often feel that life is without hope, and in particular, that I will never again know what it is to hold someone, the lovely scent of her hair in my nostrils, and the warmth of her body in my arms. I feel like its pointless. The voice of my mind tells me to end it all. To kill myself. I've sought help but all that it is is temporary hope that this empty nightmare will end. 

I lost the hope I had. I lost the idealism I had. All I'm left with is an emptiness and quiet, feeling the gap in my heart and the desire for sweet release from the silence.

[Sheild Maiden]

I am so sorry, I can't imagine how you feel having to give up someone you love. We're talking about sexual repression from religion in this topic, if you want to join us. I grew up Christian so I have always been taught to be afraid of sex and I am a 23-year-old shy virgin. I feel socially behind due to this but after leaving religion, at least my depression went mostly away and my confidence has grown in the last few years tremendously

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/65409-religious-sexual-repression/#.VGbfYFfF90Y

[tylereverett]

Thanks for the kind words.  Its nice to hear I'm not alone in my feelings. I'll look over that post.  

 

I am so sorry, I can't imagine how you feel having to give up someone you love. We're talking about sexual repression from religion in this topic, if you want to join us. I grew up Christian so I have always been taught to be afraid of sex and I am a 23-year-old shy virgin. I feel socially behind due to this but after leaving religion, at least my depression went mostly away and my confidence has grown in the last few years tremendously

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/65409-religious-sexual-repression/#.VGbfYFfF90Y

[milesaway]

I get it. I'm reminded of a guy I met during my rodeo with religion that I actually liked, but looking back, I have a feeling he was gay. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case, and were I to pursue a relationship with him, I'd have basically been a beard. That's not something I really care to devote my life to being for someone, and it's unfair to him too. 

 

I still think about him from time to time. We parted ways not long after I walked away from the last church I visited, and there's a part of me that wonders what could have been. While I didn't grow up in religion, their toxic views of sexuality had an impact on me too, and I feel like I'm really behind as well. Fuck religion and the horse it rode on!

[Ginko12]

I read this yesterday and wasn't sure what I could say. That's awful. I'm giving you a web hug. What a stupid thing to break up a couple that is too passionate for one another... It reeks of jealousy to me. Then again, so many of the rules pertaining to sexuality reek of jealousy...

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I left my soul mate because "she wasn't the one god had for me."  I've never known love that intense since then.  Best of luck to you.

[eternal student]

My friend, I had a similar experience at the same age, however, at that moment when I was forced to choose between the woman and religion, I made the choice to keep the woman and let the religion go.

 

But, I want to tell you something, since you seem to be agonizing over the choice you made: as someone who chose to go this other path, I have ended up dealing with problems that have brought me to that same low place you were in too. All those things you described so perfectly about feeling out of place, behind, like you don't "get" the modern concepts of sexuality -- they don't magically go away, even when you are in a relationship with someone you love. That situation was caused by the experience of growing up in the parallel fantasy universe of christian wishful thinking as far as the promises of future mates and "god's plan for you" go.

 

I can read from your post that your heart is aching, but man, you are "only" in your early twenties, single, childless, freed yourself of religious delusional thinking. I would give my life savings to trade places with you and get back all those chances that I threw away without a second thought because I didn't really know what they were worth at the time.

 

This may sound callous, but let me give you one piece of advice that I learned the hard way: without ever having met this girl you're talking about, I can still tell you the truth right now. That is She's not worth it. I'm sure she's special ()and wonderful and

[eternal student]

Sorry, OP. Tablet uploaded my post before I was done. Anyway, you get the point. Don't know if you're looking for advice or support, but I just wanted to pass on what I learned in a similar situation, but much too late.

[Positivist]

Hi! I too have given up valuable people, experiences and things for God. I agree--there's no return on those investments and they end up being very, very painful lessons. There is no love quite like first love, in my opinion/experience. However, there is still love and wonderful experiences. Life is good but yes there are dips of sadness and grief.

 

I didn't crawl out of my god delusion until I was nearly 40. I didn't marry my first love, but our marriage is good. He too has left the faith.

 

Have hope, my friend. You are young and there is a beautiful, amazing world just waiting for you to experience it in fullness. 

 

Keep us posted. 

[RipVanWinkle]

tylereverett: I feel for you, I agree, however with eternal student's post. The pastor who told you to  drop the girl is fool of shit.Truly. I wish those bastards would stick to something they know, if indeed they know something worthwhile. But romance and dating is a treacherous path in and of itself, without adding religious nonsense to the mix. It is heaven and hell as anybody who has suffered though a teenage love affair can tell you. Nor is it limited to teenagers. These relationships are governed by hormones and emotions; logic is not invited. So religion or not it is a tough rite of passage we have to go through. Don't beat up on yourself about this loss of love when you were fourteen. The chances are good that it would have been a short romance as almost all teenage love affairs are. Get over the fact that you missed the experience and start generating romantic experiences now.  Get counseling if you need it. Talk to friends who may be able to set you up with a nice prospect. Join a club that could result in meeting girls. Don' kid yourself into thinking you can't do it. There's no doubt that you can, Become proactive. And good luck.  Rip

[Autumn2909]

I too lost the first man I had deep feelings for, partly because of my obedience to the Church. Whole bunch of other stuff too, but I still regret deeply choosing a faith I was already doubting over the man I loved. I've struggled to maintain a relationship beyond a couple months since and feel really fucked up about relationships.

[mydisplayname]

I left my soul mate because "she wasn't the one god had for me."  I've never known love that intense since then.  Best of luck to you.

 

I married the first women who was interested because "god" sent her.