Here Goes.

[masquerade]

I've been holding off on giving my testimony solely for the purpose of organizing my thoughts well enough to make something worth reading. My chaotic, obsessive compulsive mind is never going to be "organized" the way I want it to be, so it's now or never. I'll give it a shot.

 

I would prefer to keep vivid details on my early life to a minimum; focusing more on the latter half. To keep it simple: I had a Southern Baptist upbringing. My family was loving and not overly strict or legalistic. Aside from a few things that I won't mention, things were good. They were great. Those days provided me with memories I wouldn't trade for anything. I am fortunate.

 

Enter the teen years. I had put my faith in Christ as a child, yet I struggled with doubt up to that point in believing my eternal destination was secure. Around the age of 15 or 16, I was sick of doubting my salvation. I was sick of going up to the front of the church during the invitation, only for the pastor and/or youth pastor to assure me that I had already done what the Lord had asked of me; that I needed to trust in his promise of salvation. I was sick of saying the sinner's prayer over and over in my head just "to make sure." I was ready to nail down once and for all that I was a born again child of God. I wanted to be a frontman in the Lord's army. That was the beginning of the end for my Christian faith.

 

I did just that. I nailed it down. My faith was my life. I was a self-declared Jesus freak. Anything that I thought would even remotely offend my savior was cast from my life. I foolishly began to consider my friends—Christian friends from my church—to be a bad influence. Why? Because of "unholy" things they did, like listening to the devil's music (i.e., anything that didn't come from a Christian bookstore) or watching a movie that had a "bad" word or a woman showing anything between her face and her ankles. I remember emailing my youth pastor, worrying about the salvation of one of my friends....just because his denomination was different than mine. I was a self-righteous fool. Thankfully I was too much of a coward to ever confront them about their "sin."

 

From a religious perspective, things were good for a while...until I began listening closely to the voice of undiagnosed OCD, which I mistook for the voice of God. This is a dangerous mistake to make. I stumbled upon the writings of fundamentalist lunatics who condemned everything short of breathing, and it affected me in ways I still haven't completely shaken off. It made me question a lot of things, such as my Christian music, my preferred translations of the Bible, my already modest male apparel, etc. It got to the point where I considered every single thing in my life to be sinful in some way, to the extent that I couldn't function. Not only this, but I stumbled across a newfound source of terror— the mysterious unforgivable sin.

 

Due to my unrecognized OCD, I had struggled for a long time with unwanted, often blasphemous thoughts. I brushed them off; that is, until I made the connection that “I” had committed blasphemy against the Holy Spirit—the one sin Jesus would not forgive. I still remember that night. I wept. I was afraid. I was alone. I was destined for an eternity of writhing pain. There wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. It was a horrible feeling. Fortunately, it subsided to a small extent after a period of time, although the lingering fear was always there, just like my previous doubt of salvation years prior.

 

Even with that said, things were never well for me after that from a religious standpoint. My view of everything being sinful was only getting worse, and I had lost my belief in the doctrine of eternal security, which made things much worse for me. I prayed so much for some form of relief from this mental suffering, but help never came.

 

I finally reached the point where my faith flat lined. I stilled believed in the Christian church’s doctrines, although I no longer believed God cared about me or the rest of his creation. So I rebelled. Or so I thought. Looking back, this “rebellion” was anything but; it was merely me trying to be different than what my repressed mind was used to. I remember when I finally gained the courage to say the word “fuck.” I also remember when I first began to allow myself to discover my sexuality. I masturbated for the first time at the age of 18. Even then, I was afraid of porn. I wouldn’t watch it. It took me a long time to be able to look at a fully naked body, male or female. Thankfully, I’m over that. I know who I am and I know what I like. I love everything about the female body; I view it as a beautiful work of art.

 

Fast-forward to the present: I am a part time college student in my early 20s. I am unsure of who I am or what I believe. I live with my parents; one of which my relationship with is great, the other which is about to bottom out. The former I’ve come out to, and they accept me for who I am. The latter I’ve attempted to come out to and it backfired. This person is an angry, judgmental, fundamentalist zealot who has only gotten worse in their pursuit to make my home life a living hell since I attempted to come out to them. It is because of this person that I am trying to become financially stable enough, albeit working part time, to get the hell out of here. This house is not my home.

 

So there it is, a mess of thoughts from my tired mind that hopefully makes sense to someone other than myself. It is what it is. I take no pride in my story. I’ve made more mistakes than I have successes, and I’ve said and done things that haunt me every damn day of my life. This is no success story. I don’t expect a good outcome. I’m apathetic. If I find peace, I will find peace. If not, so be it.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome to ex-c.  

 

There are several people here who have stories like yours, involving OCD, fundamentalism, an abusive parent or two, and working to get out of the house while studying at college.  Sadly all too often OCD and fundamentalism combine to cause misery.  

 

But there is hope!  Things can get better, with the right support and with time.  I hope you are under the care of a good doctor and exploring medication for your OCD and anything else that's going on there.  Talk therapy is very important too.  If you're lucky there might be a secular therapist in your area, try www.seculartherapy.org to find one.  Peace.

[Orbit]

Welcome to ExC!

[masquerade]

I appreciate the warm welcome.

 

 

 

Things can get better, with the right support and with time.  I hope you are under the care of a good doctor and exploring medication for your OCD and anything else that's going on there.  Talk therapy is very important too.  If you're lucky there might be a secular therapist in your area, try www.seculartherapy.org to find one.

 

I am medicated and I did have a place in mind to try for talk therapy, but I was unaware of that website and I'll definitely see what I can find available near me. The place I was thinking about is secular, although being in the Bible Belt, it would be very likely I would end up with a Christian therapist. So if I can find one that actually understands what religious indoctrination can do to a mind, that would be great.

[Burny]

Welcome to EX-C. We all have stories like yours, you are among friends here. OCD is awful, I have family members with it and I had a dose when I was young and combined it with Fundamentalism too. When you really believe in God and the Bible and Hell, life can be terrifying. +

 

Christianity only works well for those who don't over think it or take it literally.

[masquerade]

 

 

Christianity only works well for those who don't over think it or take it literally.

 

Absolutely.

[Ravenstar]

Welcome to Ex-C!  

[masquerade]

I wouldn't call myself "new." I was here in the past under a different username. But again, I appreciate the warm welcome.

[Guest Furball]

Welcome to Ex-C. I know what you mean about those pesky blasphemous thoughts. I thought i had committed the blasphemy against the holy ghost many times as well. Christianity also left me apathetic too. Glad your here and look forward to your posts. -Peace

[LukeExChristian]

this was what lead to my deconversion being set in stone. i recommend it to EVERYONE who is or was affiliated with christianity

https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA0C3C1D163BE880A

[JoelFry]

Welcome.  I live in a small town in Alabama, and there should be a Public Mental Health Center relatively near where you live.  The public centers are good.  I've been going to one for a long time.

[JoelFry]

Welcome, I've been going to a public Mental Health Center here in North Alabama for a long time, and I live in a small town.  There might be one near where you live.

[Onyx]

Welcome to ExC! Make yourself at home.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

I hope you find stability and a home in which you can be at peace and free of religiously imposed fears.

[Positivist]

Hi!! I can relate to the OCD/blasphemous thoughts, esp. as a child. How horrific to endure the pain, as a child, of being doomed to eternal torture in hell. As a child I was a wreck due to religious anxiety. 

 

As an atheist, I still marvel that no one (i.e. god) can read my thoughts. 

[masquerade]

Thanks, everyone.

 

this was what lead to my deconversion being set in stone. i recommend it to EVERYONE who is or was affiliated with christianity
https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLA0C3C1D163BE880A

 

I've seen some of his videos. I'd like to watch the whole series when I get a chance.

[Blood]

You're a good writer and your thoughts are well-organized in the OP. So you are doing a lot better than a lot of OCD people. 

 

Realizing how much you don't know is the beginning of wisdom. Look at your Christian indoctrination as a worthwhile experience, inasmuch as it teaches you something about human psychology, cultural norms and traditions and how they are formed and maintained. But definitely not an experience worth continuing. 

[masquerade]

You're a good writer and your thoughts are well-organized in the OP. So you are doing a lot better than a lot of OCD people. 

 

My post may be, but my thoughts are anything but.

[TheHappyWarrior]

I have to agree with a good part of this-I've always been tempted to think that the strictest interpretations of the Bible and consequent doctrines and practises are the most correct since they presumably would be less motivated by other factors such as pragmatism or convenience. 

[masquerade]

I have to agree with a good part of this-I've always been tempted to think that the strictest interpretations of the Bible and consequent doctrines and practises are the most correct since they presumably would be less motivated by other factors such as pragmatism or convenience. 

 

Ever since I started reading the Bible for myself, it didn't take long to see that those around me didn't take all of it seriously...yet, the things they chose to abide by, they were fervent about it to the point of being an inconsiderate bigot towards those in disagreement. Even today it makes me wonder, are they reading the same book I was?

[totallyanonymous]

Masquerade,

I have been lurking here for 18 months or so. no account.  Wouldn't get one.  

 

I read your story this morning and just about started crying.

 

You see, I am 45..and have OCD.  It was undiagnosed until I was about 37.  

 

I grew up in a home with parents who loved me, but were sort of strict at times..we were nominal Lutherans but my dad had streaks where he watched Jimmy Swaggart and yeah I still remember watching some horror movie when I was like 5...making some comment, and my dad telling me I would go to hell in a handbasket.  Terrified me.  

 

OCD first surfaced in early childhood, went away for while, came back at 19 with unwanted thoughts that I had likely killed somebody or would.  Scared the shit out of me but I had no clue.  So this all goes away and life goes on.

 

Mr. OCD resurfaces at about 28 or 29.  By this time I am a high school teacher.  I teach psychology.  You think I would have put it together but no.  This time it was the fear I had said something wrong, committed a horrible sin, or possible run some kid over in the bus I had to drive along with teaching.

 

Fast forward a year or two.  We move, new state, new teaching job.  The guy who owned my old house had left a Jack Chick tract in a drawer.  I read it thinking THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  Within a year, I went from a nominal lutheran to a dyed in the wool fundie.  I brought my wife. My kids.  We all bought in.  

.  

We were there 11 years or so.  My OCD didn't get better, in fact it got worse.

I finally saw my doctor at a very stressful point in my life...who sent me to a therapist.  Therapist listened for an hour, agreed, wanted to see me back.  Thanks to the shitty insurance I have, that wasn't possible.  I did do several other things.  I started running.  I started drinking with people who eventually became my friends.  I gradually checked out of the fundie church and started going to a more middle of the road one.  And I started medication.  And I went to grad school.  Life got better.

 

It can be better.  The reason I share this with you is that I was reminded that my words may release someone else from their own prison.

 

I am fucking pissed that the years from 30 to about 42 I lost.  I wouldn't have fun.  I didn't have any friends except at church. (Later I realized the only reason they were my friends is because initally they saw me as a mission project.)  Thousands of dollars.  How many hours listening to some crank telling me that rock music is sending me to hell?  How much guilt laid on my own kids.

 

I got the fuck out.  Today I attend a very liberal church because a) I like the people, and b)it is almost unforgiveable here to identify as a non believer.

 

I think there is a God, but he's not the bearded guy in the Bible.  I believe God is love if that makes sense.  But I'm really not too fucking sure and am not about to waste the one life I DO have either.

 

My hope is that you find peace

 

totallyanon

[totallyanonymous]

and YES there is definitely a relationship between fundamentalist Xianity, GUILT, and OCD....

[masquerade]

Masquerade,

I have been lurking here for 18 months or so. no account.  Wouldn't get one.  

 

I read your story this morning and just about started crying.

 

Wow. I'm touched. Glad to have you here.

 

 

You see, I am 45..and have OCD.  It was undiagnosed until I was about 37.  

 

I grew up in a home with parents who loved me, but were sort of strict at times..we were nominal Lutherans but my dad had streaks where he watched Jimmy Swaggart and yeah I still remember watching some horror movie when I was like 5...making some comment, and my dad telling me I would go to hell in a handbasket.  Terrified me.  

 

OCD first surfaced in early childhood, went away for while, came back at 19 with unwanted thoughts that I had likely killed somebody or would.  Scared the shit out of me but I had no clue.  So this all goes away and life goes on.

 

Mr. OCD resurfaces at about 28 or 29.  By this time I am a high school teacher.  I teach psychology.  You think I would have put it together but no.  This time it was the fear I had said something wrong, committed a horrible sin, or possible run some kid over in the bus I had to drive along with teaching.

 

Fast forward a year or two.  We move, new state, new teaching job.  The guy who owned my old house had left a Jack Chick tract in a drawer.  I read it thinking THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  Within a year, I went from a nominal lutheran to a dyed in the wool fundie.  I brought my wife. My kids.  We all bought in.  

.  

We were there 11 years or so.  My OCD didn't get better, in fact it got worse.

I finally saw my doctor at a very stressful point in my life...who sent me to a therapist.  Therapist listened for an hour, agreed, wanted to see me back.  Thanks to the shitty insurance I have, that wasn't possible.  I did do several other things.  I started running.  I started drinking with people who eventually became my friends.  I gradually checked out of the fundie church and started going to a more middle of the road one.  And I started medication.  And I went to grad school.  Life got better.

 

I can identify. Glad things are better for you now.

 

 

It can be better.  The reason I share this with you is that I was reminded that my words may release someone else from their own prison.

 

I understand, and I appreciate it. It is my hope that my failures will help someone else as well.

 

 

I am fucking pissed that the years from 30 to about 42 I lost.  I wouldn't have fun.  I didn't have any friends except at church. (Later I realized the only reason they were my friends is because initally they saw me as a mission project.)  Thousands of dollars.  How many hours listening to some crank telling me that rock music is sending me to hell?  How much guilt laid on my own kids.

 

I understand. I am angry at myself as well for the years and potential life experiences that I lost, some of which I can never get back. I wasted thousands of dollars as well. Trashing my valuables, rebuying them, trashing them again, rebuying, etc. It's a cycle. It's fucking frustrating. I still struggle with it, albeit for different reasons. OCD will destroy you if you allow it to.

 

 

I got the fuck out.  Today I attend a very liberal church because a) I like the people, and b)it is almost unforgiveable here to identify as a non believer.

 

Same here, although I do not attend a church.

 

 

I think there is a God, but he's not the bearded guy in the Bible.  I believe God is love if that makes sense.  But I'm really not too fucking sure and am not about to waste the one life I DO have either.

 

I'm in a similar boat. I believe that there is something out there, something eternal, a source of life and consciousness. But not in a theistic sense. It is much bigger than our minds can comprehend. For me, "do you believe in God(s)?" is not a yes/no question. As I put in my profile, what defines a god?

 

 

My hope is that you find peace

 

Same to you, my friend.

[Margee]

Welcome to Ex-c Masquerade! I'm glad you found us! Thanks for sharing your story. It was very interesting and many of us can relate. You never have to feel alone. We're all in this together!!

 

Keep posting!

 

Hug

[Margee]

Masquerade,

I have been lurking here for 18 months or so. no account.  Wouldn't get one.  

 

I read your story this morning and just about started crying.

 

You see, I am 45..and have OCD.  It was undiagnosed until I was about 37.  

 

I grew up in a home with parents who loved me, but were sort of strict at times..we were nominal Lutherans but my dad had streaks where he watched Jimmy Swaggart and yeah I still remember watching some horror movie when I was like 5...making some comment, and my dad telling me I would go to hell in a handbasket.  Terrified me.  

 

OCD first surfaced in early childhood, went away for while, came back at 19 with unwanted thoughts that I had likely killed somebody or would.  Scared the shit out of me but I had no clue.  So this all goes away and life goes on.

 

Mr. OCD resurfaces at about 28 or 29.  By this time I am a high school teacher.  I teach psychology.  You think I would have put it together but no.  This time it was the fear I had said something wrong, committed a horrible sin, or possible run some kid over in the bus I had to drive along with teaching.

 

Fast forward a year or two.  We move, new state, new teaching job.  The guy who owned my old house had left a Jack Chick tract in a drawer.  I read it thinking THIS IS WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  Within a year, I went from a nominal lutheran to a dyed in the wool fundie.  I brought my wife. My kids.  We all bought in.  

.  

We were there 11 years or so.  My OCD didn't get better, in fact it got worse.

I finally saw my doctor at a very stressful point in my life...who sent me to a therapist.  Therapist listened for an hour, agreed, wanted to see me back.  Thanks to the shitty insurance I have, that wasn't possible.  I did do several other things.  I started running.  I started drinking with people who eventually became my friends.  I gradually checked out of the fundie church and started going to a more middle of the road one.  And I started medication.  And I went to grad school.  Life got better.

 

It can be better.  The reason I share this with you is that I was reminded that my words may release someone else from their own prison.

 

I am fucking pissed that the years from 30 to about 42 I lost.  I wouldn't have fun.  I didn't have any friends except at church. (Later I realized the only reason they were my friends is because initally they saw me as a mission project.)  Thousands of dollars.  How many hours listening to some crank telling me that rock music is sending me to hell?  How much guilt laid on my own kids.

 

I got the fuck out.  Today I attend a very liberal church because a) I like the people, and b)it is almost unforgiveable here to identify as a non believer.

 

I think there is a God, but he's not the bearded guy in the Bible.  I believe God is love if that makes sense.  But I'm really not too fucking sure and am not about to waste the one life I DO have either.

 

My hope is that you find peace

 

totallyanon

Welcome also totallyanonymous!! Thanks for sharing!! Glad you are also here with us and decided to join!! Keep posting my friend!

 

Hug