How Do You Deal With Being A Secret Atheist?

[R. S. Martin]

 

 

 

Littlena, your family seems like a really difficult situation already, and if things are "good enough" as they are, I can see why you wouldn't want to stir the pot. I have a similar family where things were seriously dysfunctional before religion became an issue. Throw in religion and the pot boils to high heaven. On these forums we've seen families break up and custody of children denied when a person came out about deconversion. In other families, things continue without a hitch just because one person's not religious. Most families are probably somewhere in the middle with some awkwardness and/or jibes but basically tolerable. Like others say, you'll have to decide what you can live with.

Yes this is exactly how I'm feeling. I just feel sad because my family has been through too much pain already. I've had to be selfish before to protect myself and my grandma insinuated that I was doing it to punish my mom. They certainly have a hard time seeing anything from my perspective and want to protect their baby (my mom). My brother and I are on our own emotionally and mentally. I don't think the result would be as serious as some of the ones you mention (which are heartbreaking ), but I'm kind of afraid to stir the pot like you said. Before, I didn't come out because my family was still in the wake of a lot of turmoil, things are calmer now, and I'm feeling more strong, so that changes things. I'm really sorry you have a situation like mine. It's hard. I hope it's peaceful for you right now.

 

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts. The details of my situation are a lot different from yours, now that you've told more. But the living in fear of their disapproval is, and has always been, very strong. I found peace when I cut ties with them to the extent that I don't try to have a relationship anymore. The last of my parents died a year ago, which greatly improved things. You are a lot younger than me and it is sad that you must live in such a bad situation. I am glad that you have hope of getting a job far away. 

 

Re faking or not "being real." Have you ever thought what it's like for a person whose family and community never accepts them for who they are because they have talents their family does not value? For example, the son of accountants is an artist? Such people must keep their true selves hidden too. It's not fun but it is a survival technique. I don't see it any different to keep one's religious opinions to oneself. In fact, I've had to do this for most of my life--no one ever wanted to hear my ideas and questions but I could not stop the ideas and questions from coming into my mind. So I researched them as best I could under the radar. For me, it's been a way to survive and I don't really know what it's like being with people who truly know me. I see it as a way to live peacefully with myself and others, not as faking or living a lie. The people who prove themselves worthy of knowing me get to know me. The others...they will hate having been kept in the dark but basically it's their own fault by being so judgmental and unaccepting. I don't know any other way of seeing it. I didn't choose to be the way I am. And, I would guess, nor did you or the artist son. Maybe the judgmental people didn't either, but it is a fact of life that their judgmentalism hurts us so that some of us cannot share who we are. 

 

My family knows I am atheist and they will not ever forgive me for it. The only solution they see is to convert me back to religion by whatever means possible. That's why I have peace away from them with my new friends.

[FarflungWanderer]

Littlena (sorry to cut your quotes, but we're taking up space), my Dad found out because he knew I wasn't going to church (admittedly, I was lying about it and that wasn't good of me, but I really didn't want to get into a confrontation with him. He threatened to pull college at least twice before I went to school [and one time once I was there] if I didn't do what he wanted [one time involving a girl that I was starting a romantic relationship with--That wasn't a fun conversation, nor a good aftermath], so I didn't want to run that gamut).

 

Sorry for the parenthesis abuse.

 

He definitely starts the debate. I'd be gaming, killing time before bed, and my Dad would come up and say "come down to the basement". I don't know why I keep going with him, but I do, and I know I'm in for it. And that's basically how it all starts: He gets me alone, and we start debating. I don't get much in, I'm accused of being arrogant, etc... It's not much of a debate, more of a broadside. It's all cool, though, because he "respects my beliefs" and isn't "attacking me" after attacking my character, my beliefs, my actions...

 

Yeah, it's beyond frustrating, but I don't know what to do. You have no idea how tempted I am to just walk away (or even punch him, as he's attacked my closest friend a few times, and one of the only things that truly matters to me is her), but I never do. I guess I'm trying to be the better man, for all that's doing me.

[sparklingphoenix]

Thank you for your kind thoughts. The details of my situation are a lot different from yours, now that you've told more. But the living in fear of their disapproval is, and has always been, very strong. I found peace when I cut ties with them to the extent that I don't try to have a relationship anymore. The last of my parents died a year ago, which greatly improved things. You are a lot younger than me and it is sad that you must live in such a bad situation. I am glad that you have hope of getting a job far away. Re faking or not "being real." Have you ever thought what it's like for a person whose family and community never accepts them for who they are because they have talents their family does not value? For example, the son of accountants is an artist? Such people must keep their true selves hidden too. It's not fun but it is a survival technique. I don't see it any different to keep one's religious opinions to oneself. In fact, I've had to do this for most of my life--no one ever wanted to hear my ideas and questions but I could not stop the ideas and questions from coming into my mind. So I researched them as best I could under the radar. For me, it's been a way to survive and I don't really know what it's like being with people who truly know me. I see it as a way to live peacefully with myself and others, not as faking or living a lie. The people who prove themselves worthy of knowing me get to know me. The others...they will hate having been kept in the dark but basically it's their own fault by being so judgmental and unaccepting. I don't know any other way of seeing it. I didn't choose to be the way I am. And, I would guess, nor did you or the artist son. Maybe the judgmental people didn't either, but it is a fact of life that their judgmentalism hurts us so that some of us cannot share who we are. My family knows I am atheist and they will not ever forgive me for it. The only solution they see is to convert me back to religion by whatever means possible. That's why I have peace away from them with my new friends.

I think fear of disapproval is something that bothers me a lot now that you mention it. It must have been painful to cut your family off, but sounds like it was for the best. I cut my family off for a year two years ago because they were so dysfunctional I was feeling lost in it all. I've tried to reintegrate myself into the family now that I've had some time to work on my own issues and get a little stronger, but I just can't fit in at all anymore. It's funny that you mention an artist, because that is one of my talents, squashed by my family. If I ever mention how I miss doing art or something remotely sounding like I would want a career in art, everyone tells me how I'll never make money and it's too hard, and it should just be a hobby. It makes me so sad. I really wish I had studied art in college but I used up all my college money and am about to graduate with a degree everyone thought was acceptable. I think I tried to be myself all along but my family always made fun of me or told me how different I was. I'm really sorry to hear how your family responded to your uniqueness and curiosity. I'm really glad you found away to have peace in your life, and your family is missing out by not trying to understand or get to know you. I find my family isn't too interested to know me either. They'd rather just imagine they know me and be in denial.

 

Everything you said was really helpful for me. I appreciate your perspective a lot and I like what you said about fakeness. Makes me feel better about keeping me to myself, if that makes sense. I think I just need to stop caring what they think. Maybe I will feel better when I can graduate and move away. Do you ever feel regret about cutting off your family? I don't speak to my dad at all and sometimes I wonder how I will feel if one day he is gone forever.

[sparklingphoenix]

 

It's fine I'm not offended ha. Wow your dad sounds pretty strict and intense. Threatening you is not the right move for sure. His personality sounds kind of like my dad with all the threatening and the berating. If your dad is anything like mine, I know it's hard to stand up to him. What do you think he'd do if you refused to go down to the basement with him? Love how hypocritical he is and those low blow attacks on your friend. Not cool. I couldn't blame you for not wanting the confrontation and lying about church given the history of your dad's behavior. I've basically been doing the same thing, just different issues.

 

I know that kind of situation is hard to navigate. Are you planning to stand up to him? I don't think there's anything wrong with walking away. He's not treating you very kindly or respectfully.

[FarflungWanderer]

Littlena, first this'll be my last post for the night. It's 12:05pm where I am.

 

Yeah, he is very strict. I feel like he's trying to be a good father, but his execution is extremely flawed. I think that comes down to the advice he gets. That applies as well to my mom, though she's nowhere near as bad.

 

It is very hard to stand up to him. When I'll finally get around to writing my deconversion story, I'll explain how things worked with him, but.. Yeah. I didn't want to stand up to him for a very, very long time. Even now, I don't really know how to do it. He invalidates my arguments, attacks me any way he can... It's pretty messed up. Still, I hope that I can somehow normalize things between us.

 

I've tried to stand up to him, but only in his debates under his rules. It's not that easy, honestly. I feel like walking away would make things worse, but  I don't know how to make it a fair fight.

 

Hey, if you want to PM me some questions, feel free to. 

[Fweethawt]

 

DO NOT 'EVER' TAKE PART IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU WERE ENCOURAGED TO DO SO BY PEOPLE CLAIMING A CERTAIN PERSON IS "GOOD" AND "GODLY CHRISTIAN™"!!!!!!

Odds are, you will regret that decision for as long as you live and your time with that person will eventually become a living, hellish nightmare.

I'm just sayin'...

I know someone (a very good person) that did that very thing, and her life got totally fucked up.

I definitely agree with you! I'm trying to deflect my grandparents suggestions and I'm trying to figure out how not to meet this person during Christmas... -.-

You can "meet" anyone. That part shouldn't be awkward. Just don't allow it to go beyond just regular, normal greeting and interaction.

 

Guard your mind and your hormones and you'll be fine.

[totallyanonymous]

I live in a very conservative part of rural America.  I hold visible roles in a small community (teacher, coach, etc.)  

 

I don't identify as an atheist (most days!) but it is difficult to even acknowledge my own spirituality which is clearly not evangelical Christian any more.  There are a few who sort of "get it" among my friends.  I generally just go with the flow.  

 

Even among my family--it would be a big problem.  My parents don't go to church much but they are very conservative and always sharing posts like "Share if you agree America needs God!"  and the like.   In my own family-well, we spent over 10 years at a super conservative evangelical church.  We decided to do something else so we now attend (when we feel like it) a nice mainline church.  I go when I want (or when I am obligated) and enjoy the music where i can, and take the stuff I need--leaving the rest.

 

Here is my thought, and help me if I am wrong.  My current belief system tells me that while there MAY be something good waiting for me on the other side, I am really only sure I exist right now.  So why, knowing I could lose everything that I cherish and love--from family to friends to even jobs, in the one life I have---to assert my beliefs?    

 

I go with the secret eye roll, bite my tongue, ask questions to make people think sometimes, and live and let live.  Maybe this changes one day.  It is not easy..at all...

[Jeff]

My wife's family is dysfunctional and very religious, so it's easy to counter their arguments with the reality of how bad they are to each other and how much unhappiness has occurred between them.  We are not too unhappy that they pull away from us because of our unbelief and I'm personally glad that my wife has some distance from them due to their unkindness.  But, whenever they backslide they come around and drink some wine (gasp!), drop a witness line or two to feel ok with themselves and then go back home... it works for us.

 

My family is very kind and supportive of each other, but very judgmental of everyone who doesn't love god, preaching, church, gospel music or who likes smoking, drinking, etc..  I could never point out their issues, because life has been good for them and therefore god is good to them and has blessed them they think.  It doesn't register to them that a majority of the world does not live or think like they do.  They just assume that god is Midwestern and wears a tie.  They know that I don't go to church and will not go ever again, but I'll never outright tell them that I don't believe... I'm content to be thought of as a backslider or whatever.  I would never want to hurt them purposefully as we have a good relationship.

 

I think that I am older than you are OP and this also makes my decisions a bit easier for me as my life is established pretty solidly. 

 

My point in typing this is this:  Family is very important in my estimation, but I do think you should weigh the balance of how much relationship you actually have with your family.  If your family is damaging to you, then maybe you can risk the rejection and build your life somewhat apart from them.  If you have a strong loving supportive future with them, maybe you should put up with the false impressions and outright lies, and gently back away from their beliefs over time.

 

I guess others have basically said this, but I hope the comparison between my wife's family and mine will help you decide what you think you should do for yourself.

 

I hope you find some relief whatever you decide.

 

[AManWithOutAGod]

I find it "easy" to keep it hidden and doesn't really stress me out. I know if I told my parents and family, I would likely be disowned. My mom would freak out and worry that her  son would now be heading to hell. My dad will likely be angery and yell at me. My mom is often complaining about how my cousins are always using curse words on facebook and one cousin all of a sudden some type of satanist. (though i think the stupid shit my cousin's post is more for reaction/looking and showing people how non conformist they are).. So you can see how finding out her oldest son is a atheist might go down.

 

 

 But hiding it is pretty easy. Mostly because I am not family oriented, I have never been the type to attend events or go see family or call them...I rarely talk to my extended family and when I do see them and start ask me questions, i keep my answers short and sweet, since they don't need to be in my business, If they ask why I no longer go to church, I just tell them I don't feel like it. I went every day for 23 years growing up.

 

doubt I will ever "come out" though.

[sparklingphoenix]

...

My point in typing this is this:  Family is very important in my estimation, but I do think you should weigh the balance of how much relationship you actually have with your family.  If your family is damaging to you, then maybe you can risk the rejection and build your life somewhat apart from them.  If you have a strong loving supportive future with them, maybe you should put up with the false impressions and outright lies, and gently back away from their beliefs over time.

 

I guess others have basically said this, but I hope the comparison between my wife's family and mine will help you decide what you think you should do for yourself.

 

I hope you find some relief whatever you decide.

 

Thanks for your response and the thoughtful comparison! I wish my situation was more clear cut. I'm really having difficulty deciding what to do even though I've gotten so many great responses.

 

Some of my family, mainly on my dad's side, I am not even worried about. They are hugely dysfunctional and I only see them on Christmas. My mom's side is more complicated because I've always been close to my grandparents and I leaned on them a lot when my parents were causing so much turmoil. After my family got through my parent's divorce, I started changing a lot because I was trying to give myself a chance to have a healthy, happy life, that I never had before. It caused a lot of upset on my mom's side because no one understood. I cut them off for a year to give myself time to heal, and the past year or so I've been trying to have a normal relationship with them. It's not feeling good though because I have to lie constantly and be vague. They are still stuck in the same place as before the divorce-- no growth or maturity (which I could blame Christianity for). The relationships are already broken and I don't know if I can fix it by myself, plus I'm feeling really unhappy about not being able to be myself. The only conclusion I can come up with at this point is to first discuss all this with my brother, who is also in the same position as me, and possible come out to my mom. I don't think it would tear everyone to shreds, but it will definitely cause stress and sadness. I think the best summary of that is that I have a very broken family and our relationship is limping along by sheer love for all that is left of us.  

[sparklingphoenix]

Here is my thought, and help me if I am wrong.  My current belief system tells me that while there MAY be something good waiting for me on the other side, I am really only sure I exist right now.  So why, knowing I could lose everything that I cherish and love--from family to friends to even jobs, in the one life I have---to assert my beliefs?    

 

I go with the secret eye roll, bite my tongue, ask questions to make people think sometimes, and live and let live.  Maybe this changes one day.  It is not easy..at all...

 

If I had a more healthy, happy family, I may not ever consider to come out. Sounds like you found the right decision for you and your family. I appreciate your thoughts! I don't really even want to assert my beliefs or push them on my family, rather I am really tired of having to deprive myself of authenticity in front of them. 

[sparklingphoenix]

I find it "easy" to keep it hidden and doesn't really stress me out. I know if I told my parents and family, I would likely be disowned. My mom would freak out and worry that her  son would now be heading to hell. My dad will likely be angery and yell at me. My mom is often complaining about how my cousins are always using curse words on facebook and one cousin all of a sudden some type of satanist. (though i think the stupid shit my cousin's post is more for reaction/looking and showing people how non conformist they are).. So you can see how finding out her oldest son is a atheist might go down.

 

 

 But hiding it is pretty easy. Mostly because I am not family oriented, I have never been the type to attend events or go see family or call them...I rarely talk to my extended family and when I do see them and start ask me questions, i keep my answers short and sweet, since they don't need to be in my business, If they ask why I no longer go to church, I just tell them I don't feel like it. I went every day for 23 years growing up.

 

doubt I will ever "come out" though.

 

Oh it doesn't sound like coming out would be too fun for you either. Does your mom or other family members not bother you much about religion usually? Or are you just able to handle it and not even feel bothered? My family talks about god alllllllllllllll the time. And when they ask me personal questions I have to lie or be extremely vague. I hate it.  

[sparklingphoenix]

 

 duplicate oops

[sparklingphoenix]

 

 

DO NOT 'EVER' TAKE PART IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU WERE ENCOURAGED TO DO SO BY PEOPLE CLAIMING A CERTAIN PERSON IS "GOOD" AND "GODLY CHRISTIAN"!!!!!!

Odds are, you will regret that decision for as long as you live and your time with that person will eventually become a living, hellish nightmare.

I'm just sayin'...

I know someone (a very good person) that did that very thing, and her life got totally fucked up.

I definitely agree with you! I'm trying to deflect my grandparents suggestions and I'm trying to figure out how not to meet this person during Christmas... -.-

You can "meet" anyone. That part shouldn't be awkward. Just don't allow it to go beyond just regular, normal greeting and interaction.

 

Guard your mind and your hormones and you'll be fine.

 

Haha! well my mind and hormones already have someone else to focus on so I think I'm covered. 

[Jeff]

 

 

 I think the best summary of that is that I have a very broken family and our relationship is limping along by sheer love for all that is left of us.  

 

 

Wow, that is very moving and you have my sympathy and respect.  For what it's worth, know that some completely random internet people are sincerely hoping that it all works out in your favor.

[sparklingphoenix]

 

 

 

 I think the best summary of that is that I have a very broken family and our relationship is limping along by sheer love for all that is left of us.  

 

 

Wow, that is very moving and you have my sympathy and respect.  For what it's worth, know that some completely random internet people are sincerely hoping that it all works out in your favor.

 

Thank you! This website has really been so helpful in letting me feel less alone. I really appreciate your input and kindness

[Fweethawt]

 

 

 

DO NOT 'EVER' TAKE PART IN A RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU WERE ENCOURAGED TO DO SO BY PEOPLE CLAIMING A CERTAIN PERSON IS "GOOD" AND "GODLY CHRISTIAN™"!!!!!!

Odds are, you will regret that decision for as long as you live and your time with that person will eventually become a living, hellish nightmare.

I'm just sayin'...

I know someone (a very good person) that did that very thing, and her life got totally fucked up.

 

I definitely agree with you! I'm trying to deflect my grandparents suggestions and I'm trying to figure out how not to meet this person during Christmas... -.-

You can "meet" anyone. That part shouldn't be awkward. Just don't allow it to go beyond just regular, normal greeting and interaction.

Guard your mind and your hormones and you'll be fine.

Haha! well my mind and hormones already have someone else to focus on so I think I'm covered. 

Sweet! That's good to hear.

 

I just stumbled across this link and thought this was a good place to put it.

 

This should be required reading for every human being from teenage years forward...

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/dating-warning-signs_b_6226712.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

[R. S. Martin]

 

It must have been painful to cut your family off...

.... Do you ever feel regret about cutting off your family? 

 

 

The process is painful but it doesn't last as long as the pain of procrastination, of hoping maybe this time it will work out. I don't regret it at all. But I decided not to burn my bridges. I stopped going to family functions decades ago simply because I don't enjoy them. At the time, I thought it was because of my Myers-Briggs type and explained it thus. Possibly that's the reason I didn't enjoy family events but it didn't help that nobody was interested in anything that interested me but everybody expected me to take an avid interest in their pet interests. 

 

What I mean about not burning my bridges is that I didn't tell them that I cut them off. I didn't go to Dad's funeral but they didn't really expect me to. (I'm an evil atheist, you know, on top of everything else.) For years, my siblings have tended to swing from friendly moods to critical moods. Ever since I skipped Dad's funeral a year ago they've been in a friendly mood so if I want information on the family I call. I don't reply to letters from them and they haven't been calling me. You can obviously say dysfunctional. 

 

I don't speak to my dad at all and sometimes I wonder how I will feel if one day he is gone forever.

 

 

That's a difficult one because it's irreversible. People like to hold it over one's head.

 

All I've ever felt about my parents dying is that I'm so lucky they're gone. Life is so much easier. 

[R. S. Martin]

 

 

Sweet! That's good to hear.

 

I just stumbled across this link and thought this was a good place to put it.

 

This should be required reading for every human being from teenage years forward...

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/dating-warning-signs_b_6226712.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

 

 

Thanks for posting that. Excellent article.

[Thrive]

It sounds like it might help you to open up to your brother, as long as you don't have to put him in a bad position of possibly lying to other family members for you.  Hopefully you will be able to make it until you are able to move away and start your life on your terms.

 

When I first became comfortable with my deconversion I had every intention of casually coming out.  If it came up in conversation I'd be calm and straight forward, but I wouldn't feel the need to make an announcement.  I had already mentioned in relevant conversations with co-workers and fellow students that I was agnostic and it went over well.  Then I had a discussion with my mom about a women's studies course I was taking, and the entire time she had this smirk on her face.  She thought it was cute that I was going through a stage, like other college students who suddenly think they know everything about the world (despite the fact that I'm 34 so not the typical student).  I didn't want her to reduce the time, research and emotion that went into my deconversion to just being a phase. 

 

I still figured I would wait a year or two in secret before I let myself consider speaking up, but then I had to go to a hearing for child support for my son.  As I felt like a hypocrite for swearing to a god I don't believe in, I was suddenly terrified that being agnostic/atheist could be held against me if my ex ever tried to get custody.  My ex has never really wanted anything to do with my son, but he is vindictive and has threatened in the past to fight for custody. I wouldn't put it past him to play up every atheist stereotype to paint me as an unfit mother.  It was a real eye opener to me about the possible consequences in public opinion.  So for now I will keep it from my family so that it doesn't get back to my ex, but as my son gets older I hope I will feel more confident to be myself. 

 

There have been a few times during recent family get togethers that I have felt guilty or uncomfortable, but luckily religion isn't a common topic in my family.

[Leo]

I agree with those who say it's not so black and white. My wife and daughter know, a sister of mine has found out via Facebook, others may know now too, I don't know. But I haven't told my parents, who are aging, - differnet situation from yours, - but have a lot of other concerns right now.

It depends on how much time you spend with them. And when you do come out to someone, be sure you do what gays and lesbians do, only come out to someone who won't out you to someone else, ask the person you're coming out to not to tell anyone else, that this is an extremely personal issue, and you're being sensitive to the feelings of others right now and trying to find the best way to present it.

Also, you're still young: If you depend on them for college money, room and board, or any of that, you could lose it all. Parents kick out gay kids, yes, but statistics show parents would rather their kids were gay, or even committed criminals, than atheist. I don't know if you're atheist, or agnostic, or just don't know yet. But in the world of fundamentalist Christians, they see Christian or atheist, because their religion has it that way.

One way to circumvent anything while you're still not out, is to just ask a question of them in response to something they bring up. People like to talk about themselves and their beliefs and often will interject yu into their thinking, and thereby leave you alone.

It's a tough one. I definitely think it's not so black and white as many make it seem, and yes, whichever way you choose to handle it is going to have its challenges. You may want to see if there's a Freedom From Religion chapter in your area, if you are not living at home. If you're in control of your own finances, see if there are some secular meetups in your area. Or humanist groups on your college campus. Recovering From Religion is a great resource. It's cathartic to get together with others of the same mind, people who understand you. That breaks the isolation. All this gets harder if you are living under their roof, of course. Just as those of us in interfaith or "unequally yoked" marriages can't just go spend money donating to flagrantly oppositional causes to religion.

One thing you may find being out, is that religion will start to matter less and less to you, and you'll see how it consumes them. As I said, I don't know what mind set you're coming from. I happen to be a rational atheist, and as such I opt for taking the rational high ground in all these situation in my own life. That means I need to find outlets, Twitter happens to be one of mine, this place is another, where I can let off the steam so that I can be what I want to be in relationships where faith is involved.

[Guest Furball]

What is the value of having someone love and accept a false image? If they can't love you for who you really are, they aren't worth keeping in your life. Also,  if you love someone then they have the right to know who is loving them and it's unfair to present them with a lie. Those who can't tolerate a different opinion are the problem, not you. Lying to keep a false peace serves no one. Eventually the truth must be known, and you don't want to hear, "You've been like this for two years and never said anything? Don't you trust me?" Sometimes the fallout isn't as bad as you imagine; sometimes it is. Sorry, that's the truth.

I was going to reply, but florduh nailed it to the cross. Honesty is the best policy, if they truly love you, their love will be unconditional. I hope it all works out. -peace

[sparklingphoenix]

The process is painful but it doesn't last as long as the pain of procrastination...

 

 

 

Hmm. I see. Thanks for sharing that with me. It helps give me more perspective. I feel so sorry your family situation worked out like that, but in a way it's still good because you can find family in better people. Not telling them they are being cut off seems like a better way to do it than how I did it at first. I used to love family events with my mom's side, but now it's not the same. I am thinking of not traveling to see any family this Christmas because it is so tiring and I have work to do. Maybe this can be the beginning of my distance from everyone. It just feels so sad. 

 

I have no idea how I'll feel when my dad is gone. It's hard for me to separate the feelings of love I shared with him when I was little, even though I haven't felt that in probably 15 years, which is a good chunk of my life so far haha! I feel like I might regret it because I feel sorry for him, but I know my life is better without him in it. I don't know. :/ 

[sparklingphoenix]

It sounds like it might help you to open up to your brother, as long as you don't have to put him in a bad position of possibly lying to other family members for you...

 

Thanks for sharing your perspective with me. I am planning to talk to my brother about it when I get a chance. He knows I am not a Christian anymore, but I haven't said anything about coming out to everyone else yet. He is also atheist now so if he has to lie for me, he is still lying for himself too. 

 

Ha, I think my family thinks I'm having phases too. That's the way they react to anything different I do. They never take it seriously until I do something serious about it. It feels kind of degrading and like no one respects you. I would think you would be able to get some respect from your parents by the time you reach 30. I can see how no one really believes or respects me much since I am still dependent and I haven't had a real job, but I guess in some cases older family still like to have their power and influence over the younger family no matter the age.

 

Oh my gosh your ex sounds terrible. I really hope you don't have any trouble from him and I'm so sorry it has to cost you to conceal part of yourself. You seem to have made the right choice in keeping quiet about your atheism. It's worth it for your son to be in a better home environment and he will be so appreciative later I'm sure. Good luck to you!

[sparklingphoenix]

I agree with those who say it's not so black and white. My wife and daughter know, a sister of mine has found out via Facebook, others may know now too...

 

I am atheist, I've decided that much, and I want to be true to myself. I'll most likely be dependent on my family until I can get a job after graduation next spring. I could be dependent until next September, but I will try to work at my university until I get hired somewhere. I may just have to wait till I finish school to come out at all. I don't know if I will actually out myself or not. I'm very tempted to tell my mom, because I'm getting annoyed at her constant Jesus comments every time I talk to her. I think she already knows anyways and that's why she keeps making those comments. I imagine, like you said, that it won't bother me as much later. Right now it's just driving me crazy because I'm stressed by school and many other things. Then my family pressures me to do and think like them and I want to explode, but instead I just lie. Having this website has been a good outlet for me, and I really would like to find some groups here to meet up with. I think there are some groups, but they are about an hour from where I go to school. I tried to join an atheist group at school and got too swamped with school work to keep attending the meetings. I will try to hold out for now and see what happens. I appreciate your thoughts and rational response