Farflung Wanderer's Testimony

[FarflungWanderer]

1. Note:  The important thing about my testimony that I need to state before I get into it is that a lot of my memory has gaps. That's a mix of both spotty memory on my part, and years of being told by my father that I've been "exaggerating" things. As such, not everything has stuck with me, but I'll try my best to cover the general story as best as I can.

 

 

2. Early Childhood:  I was born in early 1996, the first of two (my brother would be born in summer, 1998). My mother and father were both devoted members of the International Church of Christ (we'll refer to it as "ICOC"), and both came from some form of broken home. My father went through a series of abusive parents, both male and female, before becoming a member of the church in the late 80s or early 90s. My mother grew up Catholic in a family dominated by her mother, who was often physically abusive to both her husband (a Korean War veteran) and her children. I don't know when she left the Catholic Church, but it happened long before my parents met.

 

For the first few years of my childhood, I was kept in the care of my grandparents (mother's side), and I can't honestly say what happened other than I watched old cartoons on an archaic looking television (I have no idea how I remembered that). Once my brother was born, we would later move to the house that I spent the rest of my childhood in.

 

Not long into my life I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, as was my brother, which obviously led to a difference in how we were treated by our parents (both of us were also cursed with bad eyesight, me being nearsighted, but that's not much to be talked about). I was a damn smart kid, reading books both appropriate for my age and older at a very young age. Because of my Dad's history books being strewn about (military history was his hobby, specifically the Second World War), as well as other history books, I became accustomed to the atrocities man has inflicted on man far sooner than any of my contemporaries.

 

I grew up in the church, going to wherever our region of ICOC held it that Sunday. I was an incredibly eager student, and my parents adored me at this age for being such a "young man of God". I don't remember too much of this era, other than I was a far more adventurous child than my brother. Where he was far more complacent and trusting of our parents, I was more likely to push boundaries. Lying was my biggest fault, and I would often get spanked for it. The physical punishment never truly did anything other than made me more determined to avoid being caught, so it wasn't as if that really helped. I knew doing "sin" was wrong, but in the moment I wasn't thinking of grand theological issues; just what I was doing, and how I could avoid getting in trouble if I realized I had slipped up. As for as how I lived, I was extremely Conservative back then, and had some issues restraining myself to be political correct (and while I was far too extreme back then, something I blame only on youth, my mental condition, and my general isolation from other people, I have improved greatly since then, though I still feel like Political Correctness doesn't exactly help)

 

In many ways, this phase of my life continued until I was in the 7th Grade. It was around then I had my first serious crush for a friend I had made, long distance (admittedly, we were e-friends and had never met, but even looking back on it today I don't think she was anything other than who she said she was, barring some youthful exaggeration). I made my first email address to communicate with her more privately, and I still believe that at the very tail end, we had actually begun to fall in love with each other, even if we only just dipped into those waters. It was at that moment that my Dad found out.

 

He was upset, upset that I had made so close a friend outside the church and that she didn't see the world he did (admittedly, the exaggeration likely didn't help, but I was more than wiling to see past that) . She was an atheist, I believe; I don't remember her being too religious, but then again I don't remember too much from then. I can say for certain that my Dad cracked down on this, hard. He convinced me that I was doing the wrong thing, that she was wrong, and the ideas she had were also wrong. I had to write an email to her asking her to go to church and say that what she believed was wrong. I had been convinced by my Dad that I was doing the right thing, so I had whimsically optimistic views on how she'd react.

 

Spoiler: She didn't see it that way.

 

She felt betrayed, very personally, and I suddenly came to grips that I had just betrayed someone that had meant the world to me (and yeah, a 7th Grader's world isn't too big, but still). The fallout from it was devastating. For the first time, I felt depressed. Given the way I processed things, this deepened to cause a more permanent scar, and it led to self-confidence issues that still plague me. I felt absolute, true remorse for what I did, on a scale I had never experienced before. I tried for many weeks to try to regain her friendship, to try to fix the damage I had done, and I halfway succeeded. We did eventually become friends again, but that has faded with time. I haven't talked to her in a long time, and sometimes I wonder how she is.

 

Regardless, this was the first time that I had begun to wonder. What I had done was supposedly "Godly", but it had caused a great deal of pain to someone that meant a lot to me. I wondered if it had been a good thing that I had done. I suppose right there represents the start of it all.

 

 

3. To Senior Year:  Two major things came of 8th Grade. The first was that I met the closest friend I have ever known, someone I consider to be my sister to this very day. The second was that I made a close friend who had nothing to do with ICOC, or any church for that matter. Obviously, I won't reveal either of their names, but I do keep in constant contact with both.

 

For the former, she had grown up in a very abusive home and moved to live with her grandmother. She was in the process of leaving ICOC because she felt like it was wrong, but still remains religious to this day. I had met her before, during a Church homecoming (every dance I have ever gone to was part of ICOC's teen/pre-teen ministry; my parents barred me from going to a real dance aside from one Halloween dance in 8th Grade), but we became friends during the summer dance at the end of the school year (I forget the name of the dance, but they have a word for it). I wasn't very comfortable at that dance, around people I didn't really know, so I kept apart from others. She was the only person to approach me and talk to me; our conversation lasted hours, and that was all it took. Our friendship would grow over the years, and I'll have more to say about her contributions later.

 

For the latter, she grew up in a half-Jewish, half-Christian family, and had decided neither would be her choice. She was a very energetic girl, with interesting tastes. She matured greatly as the years passed, but we became very close friends. There was a long-standing romantic tension between us that wouldn't come to fruition until later. Either way, she gave me a window into life outside God. While she wasn't a great person, she was still my friend, and I saw her as capable as good or bad as I was with no God to hold her hand.

 

High School passed by. I would have a crush on a girl in my church, who remains my friend (and is a closet atheist), and I would try to figure things out. History remained my passion, but I became good at math. I was never very athletic (something I'm trying to rectify now, to good effect), though. I kept my friends, played in Orchestra (something I was good at, but didn't want to do; it was at my parent's behest), and on it went. During the summers, I would go to the ICOC camp, which was always interesting. I was very good at being religious there, although whatever promises I made to myself during camp to stay "pure" wouldn't last too long once I went home.

 

Sexual purity was a major deal in ICOC, particularly in the teen and pre-teen ministries. We were told that Masturbation was an affront to God, that it would make us unholy and draw us away from God. There were very specific dating rules, especially on dating only within the church. While this may not be the most noble of reasons to start building irritation at the church, those dating rules did play their part. As for the "sexual purity", I tried rather nobly to conquer that particular issue, though human nature always got the better of me. I tried to pull as much advice as I could from my "sister", but she came to the ultimate decision that it was a bunch of bullocks.

 

As she began to learn more about what happened in daily life, such as the conversations and tongue-lashings by my father, the isolation I had from the rest of the world at my parent's behest, and the like, she began to be more convinced that my parents were emotionally abusing me, albeit unintentionally. I didn't believe her at that point, but she would eventually convince me as time went by.

 

Honestly, there is a lot from this particular point in my life that I have forgotten. I remember that my father would occasionally strike me when pushed: He would usually work in the basement, and if there was an argument that lasted too long in the kitchen (or any other floor of the house) between my mother and I, he would come up and grab me, or physically strike me. I remember one argument where he outright stated that "guys don't cry"; it affected me so much that I haven't cried since. My dad once threw a chair toward the rest of the family before taking a long drive when he had been pushed too far. While he never did any serious physical damage to any of us, it did lead to a long-standing psychological effect. I would be jumpy around him for years, avoiding physical contact or not putting my all into hugs. 

 

A lot of the time, I felt like his reasons for being upset was that because I was embarrassing him in some way, or failing, or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time. My Dad would always feel like, whenever I voiced my complaints to him, that I was "exaggerating" things to create some form of "victim mentality", something my sister loudly protested.

 

Regardless, life continued on until Senior year. My psychological condition went through multiple ups and downs, and my sister helped me through it as best as she could. Regardless, I had self-confidence issues, and would go through multiple dips and peaks as the years passed. While I never was suicidal, low points were still bad.

 

 

4. Senior Year and the Summer After:  School progressed well enough. I did well on my ACT, and got into my dream college (by the skin of my teeth), but by December of 2013, things had begun to change. I began to make a deeper connection with my secular friend in High School, bordering on the romantic. We both had long-buried feelings, but she was always dating someone. This wouldn't bubble over for months, but it was one of two things that also led to flashpoints. The second was the Army.

 

I had grown up knowing all the tales of warfare, but as I got older I began to realize how childish it was to glorify warfare. At the same time, I began to make friends with veterans, and I realized that the reason why I so wanted to join the military was to participate in the brotherhood that they spoke of. I didn't care if anyone fired a single bullet at me, or if I never fired a bullet in return (quite frankly, I didn't want to; I would have been happy to never go to war). What mattered to me was to pay a debt I felt I owned to the veterans I knew, and all those who didn't.

 

Perhaps you guys don't understand me. It's hard to explain my feelings on the military, and I rarely am able to explain it well. Still, by the end of Senior year, I wanted to serve with the best of reasons, and I was willing to work to whip myself into shape to do it (something I get the feeling I underestimated).

 

At the same time as I began to seriously consider going into the Army Reserves, romantic feelings between me and my friend at High School finally reached a fever pitch when she kissed me a few days before we finished High School. Our relationship was short, but earnest. However, this led to the first of two major incidents during the summer of 2014.

 

My quasi-girlfriend (we weren't officially dating, due to the fact that I was still living under my parent's shadow and wasn't allowed too much out of the house) was not the kind of girl my Dad would like, for a multitude of reasons. When he found out (I should mention here that how he found out was how he usually found out; by breaking into my email or phone without my permission. This was a pattern of disrespect for my privacy that he has yet to overcome), all hell broke loose.

 

College was going to be expensive, but the loans weren't signed. He used that to his fullest advantage. He put a choice in front of me: Choose her, and go it alone in life, or choose College. I told her immediately, and the decision we made was a painful one. I would go to college, and she would be left behind. I remembered only one thing when the final choice was made: That I had betrayed her as I had betrayed that first girl. She didn't see it the same way, and neither did my sister-they had seen it as a tyrannical act by my father that was out of my hands. The relationship didn't last long beyond that conversation, as to be expected, though it suddenly upshot in passion just prior to the very end.

 

(To save space, the second conversation wasn't too different from the first: My Dad had an identical choice put before me for the military. Again, I was forced to choose college, though I spent every day I could during this first semester getting in shape trying to be ready to go over his head someday and join regardless. I recently learned, however, that I am medically exempt. I don't really know what there is for me to say on that; it was a huge disappointment, and that's about all)

 

The immediate aftereffect of what happened with her was something I don't think anyone expected: A sudden upsurge in faith. I became convinced that what I had done with her, even though we had never really done anything, was too close to the sun, and that I was truly as bereft of morality as my Dad believed, and what the Church stated. Without God, I had been "immoral" and all that.

 

The rest of the summer, I dove straight into religion. I was trying to become a disciple before I left for college. I believed it all: That man wasn't worth anything without God. That if one wasn't a disciple in ICOC (or a similar Church: A great deal of other Churches were believed to be damned unless they became more orthodox). That I could only date inside the Church. That Jesus had died for my sins. On and on it went, crazy things I believed whole-heartedly because I was scared.

 

To my parents, I was becoming a better person. I seemed like a better person to them, though my sister didn't feel like I had changed much at all other than becoming seriously religious (something that I think needs to be said about her is that she really is more of a parent to me than my actual birth parents. I got more out of her advice and her nonjudgmental attitude towards my actions and her willingness to help without berating me than I ever did from my parents). I believed it, but deep inside I still felt broken.

 

When I finally became baptized, I felt hollow despite it all. I thought that God's love would fill me, but nothing of that sort happened. I felt just as alone as I always did, and I heard nothing from God.

 

 

5. To Today:  I left for college only a week after being baptized. My Dad was criticized for sending me to a college without a campus ministry, and was wary of letting me go on my own. I felt like I was going to do fine, that being exposed to history through documents unaltered would show me the truth.

 

It would, just not the way my parents expected.

 

The first flaw that came up was that I had to drive over an hour on Sundays to Church. I quickly found that to be a horrible idea; I had my first car that terrified me to drive in, I was barely familiar with any of the roads in Michigan, and I was exhausted come any morning. After my first time, I rapidly lost the drive (get it?) to go to the ICOC's Lansing branch any further. Unfortunately, the people there called me constantly, but I stopped replying after a while as they persisted to bother me any hour they could.

 

One of my classes for this semester (which is approaching finals as I write this) was a Religion class. It covered classical interpretations of the Old and New Testament, and how Christians tried to piece it together afterward (I will put up my notes from this class on a separate thread some other time). I quickly began to see flaws in ICOC's methodology. Things I was learning, like the God of "hesed" (Hebrew for, essentially, divine love) didn't match with the angry God that I had learned of in ICOC. It continued to build, and I simply took notes. I had come to realize that I was separate from ICOC.

 

When my sister decided that she wanted to change religions, this time to Mormonism, I was the first to decry it. It was full of shit, and I knew it. Nothing the Mormons said matched anything that I had learned about during the year, and I voiced my concerns to her. I didn't want her getting hurt by getting involved with these people. Ultimately, we resolved it peacefully, though hopefully my concerns are still in the back of her mind and may pull her away from that particular insanity (I could talk a lot about how she views the world and religion. In a way, she sees it as a far nicer place than any religion I know. I'm just scared that she'll be hurt by being a Mormon--Ironically, her boyfriend is an atheist). What I noticed debating with her was that my arguments against Mormonism began to rang true as arguments against God. Things didn't made sense, didn't add up with prior scripture, weren't historically accurate.

 

So, I began to dig.

 

I kept digging, until I stumbled across this site. I must have spent hours pouring over every blog I could over the scientific and historical evidence against the Bible. At the end, I knew the truth: It wasn't real, all of it.

 

The champ that she is, my sister treated my leaving God the best of all of my closest friends. She loved me as she always did, like I was her brother, and remained as close as ever. Some friends, such as my secular friend from High School (I don't want to call her an "ex" or anything like that; we never truly dated in the first place--we had reconnected a few months into the semester) accepted it fairly well, though didn't really seem to care all that much.

 

My father, on the other hand, was a different story. He found out last week, on my Thanksgiving break. The arguments we had were long, and pulled me way late into the night as I was hammered over and over by him. If you want a better description, I'd advise you to look at my posts in Littlena's "Secret Atheist" thread, where I cover events pretty thoroughly.

 

Today, I stand alone. I know that there is no God, and that, while we do not have all the answers, there is more to life than just religion. There is a great and mysterious universe outside that has fascinated me ever since I was a child, stars stretching endlessly into the black. I see goodness in humanity, even despite what horrible things have and continue to happen. I see hope, and I see a chance for us to someday pull ourselves out of the mud. I think we're meant for great things, even if I don't live to see them.

 

And, that's about all I have to say.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Welcome to ex-c , Farflung Wanderer.  I'm an Aspie too, there are a few of us here.  I enjoyed reading your extimony.

[Skip]

 

 

Today, I stand alone. I know that there is no God, and that, while we do not have all the answers, there is more to life than just religion. There is a great and mysterious universe outside that has fascinated me ever since I was a child, stars stretching endlessly into the black. I see goodness in humanity, even despite what horrible things have and continue to happen. I see hope, and I see a chance for us to someday pull ourselves out of the mud. I think we're meant for great things, even if I don't live to see them.

 

 

 

You've come a long way and dealt with a lot, and despite letting go of a god you haven't let go of hope and aspirations for humanity's future. I love that. I think a lot atheists share this in common, and I think believers don't understand this or believe it to be the opposite. They're holding themselves back.

[Ellinas]

Welcome.

 

Seems to me you have suffered too much and too long at the hands of those who fear you rejecting "their way" (even if they would dress it up as being "god's way"). 

I actually saw that from the opposite side of the fence, so to speak, when many years ago my father discovered I was joining a fundamentalist christian group.  It made for a difficult time with many arguments.  My current views are very different to what they were then, but I can understand the pain that can be caused when the head of the family seeks to interfere in choices that are purely personal matters.

 

Stick to what is right for you regardless - no-one has the right to live your life for you.

[FarflungWanderer]

Thank you, everyone, for your replies.

 

FT: Thanks for your tips. Glad to know I'm not the only one on here-To be honest, it's strange how it works. My brother is quite the opposite when it comes to religion, but he has roughly the same issue I have.

 

Skip: What can I say? I'm an optimist for everyone else. I mean, we've managed to survive long enough, I think we can go the extra mile and thrive.

 

Ellinas: Thank you for your advice, I'm hoping to stand on my own more and more as I go through.

[BrotherJosh]

1.and years of being told by my father that I've been "exaggerating" things. 

 

Hi FarflungWanderer and welcome! You have an interesting story and thank you for sharing it. What you describe here is a form of mental abuse called gaslighting. It's a way to invalidate your experiences and even make you doubt yourself. It makes you question your experiences and says what you feel or think is wrong. Hopefully, you can set up some boundaries around your father as he sounds rather oppressive.

[masquerade]

Hang in there. As for your father, if he doesn't accept you for who you are, it's his problem and his loss.

[FarflungWanderer]

Sorry for not replying for a while.

 

BrotherJosh: What exactly is Gaslighting? I looked at the Wikipedia page, but it's rather sparse.

 

Masquerade: I'd rather come out with some form of acceptance by him than a complete cutting of ties.

[Margee]

Sorry for not replying for a while.

 

BrotherJosh: What exactly is Gaslighting? I looked at the Wikipedia page, but it's rather sparse.

 

Masquerade: I'd rather come out with some form of acceptance by him than a complete cutting of ties.

FarflungWanderer, Welcome to EX-c and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I think you will find great comfort here because we all can relate so much to the posted stories. You are a survivor!! You got out!!

 

I just thought I'd share a bit on what gaslighting is because I had to learn to understand all these 'techniques' that the church and family will use on you to get you to stay in a bad relationship. In this case, the church (and your dad) would love for you to be and feel really guilty. Some of these techniques are very sneaky and manipulative and one of those is known as gaslighting.

 

 Gaslighting causes a person to question their own sanity, causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, which gives the 'abusive partner' a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control especially in religions)  Once an abusive partner, friend, family member has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.

 

Let your gut instincts guild you. Most of the time your gut can tell you some very good truths. 

 

This is how the church gets you to stay. It's how the family gets you to stay. It's how a spouse gets his spouse to stay. It's how friends get friends to stay. It' sick manipulation. In other words, you're in a bad  'relationship', (and you know it) yet the other person or institution makes you question why you would think this.

 

There are a variety of gaslighting techniques that an abusive partner might use:

 

Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen or talk openly about a problem.I.E. They will try to 'skirt' over the issue as if it dosen't exist.They will say: “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”

 

Countering: the abusive partner or institution questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. I.E. “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”

 

Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner or institution changes the subject and/or questions the victim’s thoughts. I'E.. “Is that another crazy idea you got from friend/family member?” or “You’re imagining things.”

 

Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant. I'E. “You’re going to get angry over a little thing like that?” or “You’re too sensitive.”

 

Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner or institution pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim.(This could pertain to god) I.E. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”

 

Gaslighting typically happens very gradually in any relationship; in fact, the abusive partner’s actions may seem harmless at first. Over time, however, these abusive patterns continue and a victim can become confused, anxious, isolated, and depressed, and they can lose all sense of what is actually happening. Then they start relying on the abusive partner more and more to define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape. This is where it's soooo important to take back your own power!!

 

In order to overcome this type of abuse, it’s important to start recognizing the signs and eventually learn to trust yourself again. Some of the signs of being a victim of gaslighting include:

• You constantly second-guess yourself.
• You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” multiple times a day.
• You often feel confused and even crazy....Guilty, shameful......
• You’re always apologizing to your partner. You fear you have created the problem.
• You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
• You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family trying to justify their actions.
• You find yourself withholding information from friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
• You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
• You start lying to avoid the put downs and reality twists.
• You have trouble making simple decisions.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
• You feel hopeless and joyless.
• You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
• You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner.(or good enough for god)

When one realizes they are being 'gaslighted', one then has the power to fight back a little and have their own opinion without feeling afraid.

Hang in there!! So glad you are here with us!! Hope this helps a little.

[FarflungWanderer]

When you gave the five different tactics of gas-lighting, I can say for certain that the last four I have definitely encountered from my Dad, 2-4 especially.

 

As for the effect it causes on me... I'm pretty sure I can say I apply to just about all of those.

 

Jesus, what exactly have I gone through?

[masquerade]

I'd rather come out with some form of acceptance by him than a complete cutting of ties.

 

I understand. Unfortunately, it's not always possible. Maybe it is in your case.

 

Either way, I wish you peace.

[Jeff]

I had read some of your story as you told it in another post, but reading the whole story here left me shaking my head.

I think it's really bad that your dad treats you this way.  As a dad and ex-xtian, I can understand the desire to point your kids in the "right" direction, but your dad is way out of bounds by how he is handling things.  He has become abusive and doesn't realize it, or I hope that he is not aware because if he is... well then that's another problem.  I truly cannot fathom his desire to risk your future success by threatening your school funding.

 

I really think you need to be careful because you're at an age where you need a few things to happen without problems like your education and step into adulthood without his support.  But once you're on your own and he gets a chance to calm the F down, maybe he will repair some of the damage he's doing to your relationship.  Maybe you'll even be able to help free him up in the future so he's not so fearful and angry.  Religion is damaging him too.

 

best of luck

[FarflungWanderer]

It's funny, looking back at what I wrote.

 

I don't really know how to describe it, but there were moments where I swear someone else wrote this about their life, not me writing about mine.

 

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about, or am I finally losing it?

[Sheerbliss]

There's a good book called The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation by Dr. Robin Stern. IIRC, one point she makes is how important it is for gaslightees for other people to see things their way. It was helpful for me to learn to think, "We don't all have to agree."

 

The term "gaslight" comes from a classic movie by the same name. If you've seen enough of the same old Christmas movies, you can get Gaslight through Netflix or, probably, through your library.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of what you went through with your father, FW. Fortunately, you have managed to free yourself from his religion and are now able to recognize the kind of abuse you have gone through in the past. Perhaps now you can find a way to move forward and protect yourself from further abuse in the future. Thank you for sharing your testimony.

 

 

It's funny, looking back at what I wrote.

 

I don't really know how to describe it, but there were moments where I swear someone else wrote this about their life, not me writing about mine.

 

Does anyone understand what I'm talking about, or am I finally losing it?

 

I wonder if maybe this experience you are describing is one of the effects of the abuse you've gone through. Since I haven't (that I am aware of) experienced what it is like to be gaslighted, I am not an expert on this, but this feeling of your experiences being someone else's could have been caused by this abuse, somehow.