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Are There Common Stages A Religious Spouse Goes Through After Learning About The Deconversion?


LongWayAround

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I am still fairly new to this.  I realized early this year that I no longer believed and told my wife in the spring.  These are the stages that I have noticed my wife going through during this time:

  • Shock - Until I told her, she had no idea I was struggling with my faith.
  • Intense Honest Discussion - We had a lot of long, honest discussions about what I believed and why.  This was a good stage to give her information about why so many things about xtianity don't make sense.
  • Guilt - My wife expressed guilt that she had somehow been a bad christian example and that had caused my deconversion (this is not at all true).
  • Saddness - My wife has felt very sad at times that the religious life that she envisioned will not include me by her side.
  • Fear - Intense fear that I am bound for hell.  My wife has asked me to promise that if I know my death is imminent, I will reconvert to avoid hell.  It is a promise that I won't make.
  • Super Religious - during this time, my wife would spend hours studying the bible and reading religious books.
  • Super Kind - My wife was super kind and loving towards me like she was going to love me back in to believing.
  • Denial - Although my wife knows that I no longer believe, she thinks I will eventually come to my senses and go back to being an xtian.
  • Moratorium on Honest Discussion - My wife no longer wants to talk about my deconversion or hear my view of any religious topic.  I think she does not want to hear the counter apologetics because she is afraid it may affect her faith or it is easier for her to be in denial about my deconversion if the topic doesn't come up.

I think those are the major stages she has been through or is still experiencing so far.  Some were very short-lived while others spanned longer time periods.  Many over-lapped or were intermittent.  When I contemplated telling her, I expected anger from her at some point but it never came.

 

For those in the un-equally yoked boat, has your spouse experienced similar stages?

 

What can I expect next?

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I hear you.

Every situation is different, and it seems from what I've read, even gender dynamics can play into things. I also came out this past spring. I have experienced some, but not all, of what you have. My Wife was shocked, Her first words were, "I didn't marry an atheist!", wich, to Her credit She apologized for later. Honestly, I understood those words to come from emotion and from what the Church's narrative about atheists is.

My Wife isn't attending church right now, plans to start looking in January. To be fair, She has had a lot of trouble at work which has wholly occupied Her entire mind for the duration since I came out. I think part of the denial must be normal, She told the Daughter on a phone call that I was "exploring" and "moving backwards" and "know better." I know some ex-c's are really offended at family's perspectives on things, I'm not. I'm used to being misperceived as a blind man, I've been completely blind for my entire life, 44 years now. Being in a severe minority where misperception is completely socially acceptable, even among the most progressive diversity types, has cured me of any sensitivity to others' feelings about my atheism.

It's interesting you and your wife have had these long discussions. I and She have not, not really. She wasn't raised evangelical or fundamentalist, so hasn't had Hell indoctrinated into her fibers since childhood like many of us have. I don't know if that factors into things or not. But I honestly felt sad when She said She really didn't want to be "one of those women," going to church without Her husband. She used to help women in that very situation. And in some cases, the Church narrative was actually right, although you and I know that has to do with life choices more than belief. You know what I'm talking about: the nonbeliever, especially the man, is supposed to be a nonbeliever so he can be immoral -- fulfilling the wishful thinking fantasies of many in the church: off having affairs, getting roiling drunk and of course an absentee father. I felt sad, because I know what it's like to be unjustifiably pitied, and what humiliation that really can be. No matter what She says about me in the church, many will draw their own conclusions and virtually  or literally pat Her on the head. And I know She's got far too noble a character to spread false base information, as many did in the churches where we went, unbelievers painted in a bad light in order to fulfill a narrative, and for someone to get attention. I feel sad about that, not only because of that, but She does have the genuine and natural right to support, as a human being, from people She feels comfortable with. I don't know if the bargaining will start, in my case. Or if my waning years of Christianity were in fact that bargaining, and neither of us really knew it. I would expect that Her perspective might change, as mine might also. How it will change, I don't think we can know, for your wife or mine. I explained to Her when I did come out, that if I didn't respect Her, I would have consented to go to a new church, and played along, when I didn't believe it. Instead, I respect Her enough to tell Her the truth, and I found it hard to do so, because She could easily feel betrayed. We humans hate betrayal of all forms. I know I definitely could have handled it better than I did, but She has moved on from that as have I, and I accepted her forgiveness on that account.

But you know, Dale McGowen's book "In Faith And In Doubt" is really good. She has not read it, but I have. He goes to great length to speak about how religion is often more about community than even the most fervent believers will admit. I'm not a Christian anymore, but my Christian upbringing produced the predictable "That's not true!" responses of the evangelical narrative. Except, it really is true.

I'm still figuring this one out every day myself. I obviously have challenges with religion but not necessarily its followers. And I think another thing She said that's really applicable everywhere, when I came out to Her. I don't remember it exactly, but She wanted me not to judge Her according to the way other Christians are, or the stereotypical Christian narrative. Again, Dale McGowen would back this up: ask the believer what she or he thinks on an issue, rather than assume that you know, based on your experiences or what you've read. Makes sense in principle, but takes conscientious effort, since our brains like to take those mental shortcuts. I did ask Her the same favor in return, and She's honored that. I don't know about your latter stages of faith, but if you were becoming more humanistic, that makes for an easier understanding, on your part. I didn't know it at the time, I like most evangelical-raised American Christians, totally misunderstood what humanism even is, and didn't even look at it until reading books after my deconversion was already complete. But looking back, I was increasingly humanistic in my responses to things, far gone were the days of a couple decades ago when I was a real on-fire fundamentalist. That makes my part easier, I can continue to be as humanistic as I was being a Christian, only without the guilt that showing compassion and empathy above all else to those I love, was supposed to produce, according to the Evangelical mind set.

I've had to decide that I'm not going to hold out, waiting for Her job to settle, and all the emotions to bubble up and then go through what everyone talks about happening. If it happens, I intend on being as I have always ben for her, a stolid support. Sometimes things that come out are pretty emotional and revealing: She said that She thought Her experience was like a woman finding out Her husband was gay. I don't know if She feels like that anymore. Like Dale McGowen's book says, it comes down to mutual respect. And a pair of adults can respect one another as people, even if they don't agree about certain things. Only within the Christian narrative is belief the focal point. For us as nonbelievers, nonbelief isn't the focal point, the relationship can be.

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The thing that frustrates me the most about my wife remaining a Xtian after I deconverted is that she absolutely refuses to discuss with me the reasons why I deconverted. It is an insult to my intelligence and to my honest commitment to her. But I know she does not view it that way. I imagine she thinks that by steadfastly remaining committed to  her faith she is doing what god wants from her and what I need from her. She does not make attempts to  reconvert me out of fear that I will go to hell. Thank gawd for that. In fact, when I think about it, I probably am better off that he does not want to discuss my reasons for deconverting. I have been thinking that I want her to do that. But what if she became one of those people who never gives an inch. Like the apologists. Maybe I'm better off as it is. "Be careful what you wish for."   Rip

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When I started seriously questioning Christianity, my wife thought I was having a crisis of faith like Peter during the crucifixion, after which I'd bounce back as an even stronger Christian than I had already been. That, of course, didn't happen. My questioning was quite different, because I was discovering that the entire foundation of Christianity was a big, fat lie.

 

In discussing some Bible problems, she's told me that I'm too analytical. That amounts to not wanting to deal with real problems.

 

One thing that frustrated me was that, despite knowing some of the real issues, she told some people that I was struggling because the music ministry I thought I was called to hadn't worked out. That had absolutely NOTHING to do with it. In fact, it would've been quite stupid to get stubborn over something like that and commit myself to an eternity in hell. I was quite insulted that she would spin things that way, but I don't think she was intentionally lying. I think she just couldn't accept that Christianity really is a lie, so she had to think that there was something else as the root cause.

 

Nowadays we almost never discuss religion. We're actually doing pretty well, and we're getting ready to celebrate our 19th anniversary. We just live and let live.

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I'll fill in some more detail when I write the final installment of my extimony, but when I finally realised that I was no longer a Christian, I started questioning a lot of things, including the reasons I'd got married.  My deconversion resulted in my wife becoming much more committed as a Christian, and we rapidly grew apart.  

 

Eventually, despite the the pain I knew I would cause, I left her.  In retrospect (over 15 years ago now) it was very much the right thing to do, for me definitely, and I suspect for her too.

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Whether there are identifiable stages that are generally applicable, I don;t know; if so, there will always be exceptions.

 

My wife knows my views - or rather would know them if she thought about recent conversations.  To be honest, I'm in two minds whether to describe her as "in denial" or as "keeping up appearances for the sake of family & friends".  Actually, I suspect primarily the latter.

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